DOI issue:
June 27, 1874
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16938#0268
June 27, 1874.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
265
A DISTINCTION.
New Governess. “ Very good ! And how long did you Practise in the PIolidays,
Maud ? ”
Maud. “ 0, I practised Half-an-Hour, Miss Bailey. But then that was by the
Dining-Room Clock. When I Practised by the Clock on the Stairs, it was Three-
Quarters, BECAUSE THAT S SLOW ! ”
INTOXICATING LIQUORS BILL.
(FURTHER AMENDMENTS.)
North of the Trent the hours of opening and closing to he 6’30 a.h. and 11*15 p.m. ;
south of the Trent, 7T5 a.m. and 12'30 p.m.
In towns, cities, and other populous places, where the population, according to the last
Census,_ exceeded one million, the hour of closing to bel2'20; where it was between 2,500
and a million, 11*15 ; where it was under 2,500, 10T0 p.m.
On. Sundays, publicans who are members of the Establishment, to keep their houses closed
during the church services; publicans who are Nonconformists to regulate their hours of
opening and closing by the Dissenting chapels. On fine summer evenings, an additional
half-hour may be granted by permission of the nearest Magistrate. Notice to be given
beforehand, that the nearest Magistrate may be at home.
A Licensed Victualler to have the privilege of entertaining his own and his wife’s
relations, after the legal hour of closing, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays ; and also
on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if either of these last two mentioned days happens to be his
birthday, or his wife’s, or that of any of his children (if resident on the premises), or his
wedding-day. The Head of the Police or a resident Magistrate always to be of the party
on these occasions. This privilege not to be extended to beerhouse keepers, except at the
urgent request (in writing) of four-fifths of the rateable inhabitants.
Licensed Victuallers to be allowed to sell tobacco, but not pipes ; beerhouse keepers to keep
pipes, but no tobacco. In places where there are less than 2,500 inhabitants, no smoking
to be permitted before 8'30 a.m. or after 9 p.m.
Facilities to be given to potboys and barmaids for self-culture.
All signs and signboards to be submitted to the Board of Works in London, and to the
Town Council in the country.
Dusty boots to be accepted as the test of a bond fide traveller.
To insure punctuality in the hours of opening and closing, every publican will be required,
from and after the passing of this Act, to provide himself with a chronometer by one of the
best makers.
BY CAM AND ISIS.
“Encaenia coenaeque dearum.”—Times, June 8 th.
Alack, what a terrible crisis 1
The ’Varsities rivals in fun;
If Cam become rapid as Isis,
Why where can a man send his son ?
’Twixt Commencement and Commemoration
There won’t be a pin, soon, to choose :
Now the Senate-house leaps from stagnation
Into rapid Sheldonian shoes!
This age, of new fancies prolific,
Finds excitement than work more
diverting,
And Cavendish, swell scientific,
Is excuse for all manner of flirting.
Some may think the Fiend’s hoof, cojs’4
and cloven,
Can scarcely contrive to find pla
Within hearing of mighty Beethoven,
Or where Handel to Milton adds grace.
And Sir Garnet, while cheers so outrageous
Greet laurels from Africa new,
May make warlike ardour contagious,
Till our Gen’rals are not quite so few.
But what means that thump on the shoulder,
Enough to unsettle my hunch ?—
“ Drop your morals till we have grown
older;
And you have grown wiser, Pere Punch.
“ ’Tis a task to work hard in the sweetness
Of Summer, when rose-flushing June
Brings the year to its calm of completeness,
And ice with one’s claret’s a boon.
No fellow can be a good classic—
Howsoe’er caustic critics may chaff—
That don’t hold with Horace on Massie,
And Catullus on Lesbia’s laugh.
“ Why should not the ladies be merry,
And the men be both merry and wise,
While the son of the Bishop of Derry
Reads his rhymes for the Newdegate
Prize ?
He must be a cynical fellow,
Atrabilious far beyond cure,
Who considers King Coffee's umbrella
As sacred from caricature.
“ Ah no, let us have our Encaenia,
And let the fair visitants come,
Lighting up the green-ivied old mcenia
With their smiles, sweet suggesters of
home.
Life is not so brilliantly coloured
We should throw youth’s enjoyment
away;
Nor was young John Bull meant for a
dullard,
Given up to ‘all work and no play.’ ”
THE PRINCE OF POTENTATES.
In a letter written by Pius the Ninth
on the day when he was made Pope, to his
brother at Sinigaglia, and published the
other day in the Times, His Holiness, in
language of deep humility, described him-
self, “ so base,” as having been divinely
raised “ to the highest dignity on earth.”
No doubt the good Pontiff was as sincere
in magnifying his office as in depreciating
himself ; but still Popery is Popery, and its
pretensions cannot be allowed to pass un-
reproved. No true Protestant, especially if
an Englishman, and still rather if a Citizen
of London, can hear without an indignant
denial, that the pontificate is the highest
dignity, nor can any such Protestant allow
that there is any dignity on earth superior
to that of the Lord Mayor.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
265
A DISTINCTION.
New Governess. “ Very good ! And how long did you Practise in the PIolidays,
Maud ? ”
Maud. “ 0, I practised Half-an-Hour, Miss Bailey. But then that was by the
Dining-Room Clock. When I Practised by the Clock on the Stairs, it was Three-
Quarters, BECAUSE THAT S SLOW ! ”
INTOXICATING LIQUORS BILL.
(FURTHER AMENDMENTS.)
North of the Trent the hours of opening and closing to he 6’30 a.h. and 11*15 p.m. ;
south of the Trent, 7T5 a.m. and 12'30 p.m.
In towns, cities, and other populous places, where the population, according to the last
Census,_ exceeded one million, the hour of closing to bel2'20; where it was between 2,500
and a million, 11*15 ; where it was under 2,500, 10T0 p.m.
On. Sundays, publicans who are members of the Establishment, to keep their houses closed
during the church services; publicans who are Nonconformists to regulate their hours of
opening and closing by the Dissenting chapels. On fine summer evenings, an additional
half-hour may be granted by permission of the nearest Magistrate. Notice to be given
beforehand, that the nearest Magistrate may be at home.
A Licensed Victualler to have the privilege of entertaining his own and his wife’s
relations, after the legal hour of closing, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays ; and also
on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if either of these last two mentioned days happens to be his
birthday, or his wife’s, or that of any of his children (if resident on the premises), or his
wedding-day. The Head of the Police or a resident Magistrate always to be of the party
on these occasions. This privilege not to be extended to beerhouse keepers, except at the
urgent request (in writing) of four-fifths of the rateable inhabitants.
Licensed Victuallers to be allowed to sell tobacco, but not pipes ; beerhouse keepers to keep
pipes, but no tobacco. In places where there are less than 2,500 inhabitants, no smoking
to be permitted before 8'30 a.m. or after 9 p.m.
Facilities to be given to potboys and barmaids for self-culture.
All signs and signboards to be submitted to the Board of Works in London, and to the
Town Council in the country.
Dusty boots to be accepted as the test of a bond fide traveller.
To insure punctuality in the hours of opening and closing, every publican will be required,
from and after the passing of this Act, to provide himself with a chronometer by one of the
best makers.
BY CAM AND ISIS.
“Encaenia coenaeque dearum.”—Times, June 8 th.
Alack, what a terrible crisis 1
The ’Varsities rivals in fun;
If Cam become rapid as Isis,
Why where can a man send his son ?
’Twixt Commencement and Commemoration
There won’t be a pin, soon, to choose :
Now the Senate-house leaps from stagnation
Into rapid Sheldonian shoes!
This age, of new fancies prolific,
Finds excitement than work more
diverting,
And Cavendish, swell scientific,
Is excuse for all manner of flirting.
Some may think the Fiend’s hoof, cojs’4
and cloven,
Can scarcely contrive to find pla
Within hearing of mighty Beethoven,
Or where Handel to Milton adds grace.
And Sir Garnet, while cheers so outrageous
Greet laurels from Africa new,
May make warlike ardour contagious,
Till our Gen’rals are not quite so few.
But what means that thump on the shoulder,
Enough to unsettle my hunch ?—
“ Drop your morals till we have grown
older;
And you have grown wiser, Pere Punch.
“ ’Tis a task to work hard in the sweetness
Of Summer, when rose-flushing June
Brings the year to its calm of completeness,
And ice with one’s claret’s a boon.
No fellow can be a good classic—
Howsoe’er caustic critics may chaff—
That don’t hold with Horace on Massie,
And Catullus on Lesbia’s laugh.
“ Why should not the ladies be merry,
And the men be both merry and wise,
While the son of the Bishop of Derry
Reads his rhymes for the Newdegate
Prize ?
He must be a cynical fellow,
Atrabilious far beyond cure,
Who considers King Coffee's umbrella
As sacred from caricature.
“ Ah no, let us have our Encaenia,
And let the fair visitants come,
Lighting up the green-ivied old mcenia
With their smiles, sweet suggesters of
home.
Life is not so brilliantly coloured
We should throw youth’s enjoyment
away;
Nor was young John Bull meant for a
dullard,
Given up to ‘all work and no play.’ ”
THE PRINCE OF POTENTATES.
In a letter written by Pius the Ninth
on the day when he was made Pope, to his
brother at Sinigaglia, and published the
other day in the Times, His Holiness, in
language of deep humility, described him-
self, “ so base,” as having been divinely
raised “ to the highest dignity on earth.”
No doubt the good Pontiff was as sincere
in magnifying his office as in depreciating
himself ; but still Popery is Popery, and its
pretensions cannot be allowed to pass un-
reproved. No true Protestant, especially if
an Englishman, and still rather if a Citizen
of London, can hear without an indignant
denial, that the pontificate is the highest
dignity, nor can any such Protestant allow
that there is any dignity on earth superior
to that of the Lord Mayor.