Punch (68.1875)

260

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI_U™ 19> 1875-

A MATCHLESS PAIR.

Both Passengers (in a

breath).

i i
tc

Ma.Y I TROUBLE YOU FOR A—
Would you oblige me with a—

Light ? ”

A HOUSE FOR- WHALLEY.

“The Government have engaged to mate a House for the
Honourable Member for Peterborough ; but keeping a House
must depend very much upon the speeches.”—Mr. JDisraeli,
June 7.

“ To make a House for Whalley,”

The pledge provokes a smile,

And yet why should not folly
Have its fling, once a while ?

The Borough of St. Peter
its minster bells should ring,

When, the more scoffed at, the sweeter,
Whalley is asked to sing !

When that borough was re-christened,

Nine hundred sixty-three,

In King Edgar’s eye there glistened
The tear of grateful glee,*

Sprung from conviction thorough,

That in his island home
He had, in Peterborough,

A city fair as Pome !

So lands and gold he gave it,

. And a new name, as we see ;

But ah, he could not save it
From a Whalley yet to he!

No change could be completer
Than what has come to pass ;

In the borough of St. Peter,

Whalley, ruler of the mass !

Then sing, thou new Ixion,

Whose wheel turns in thy brain;

While o’er thy foes Stoke’s Lion
Shakes the dew-drops of his mane.

In this dizzy drowsy weather,

Of use a laugh will he,

So both sides should pull together
To keep a House for thee !

* A.D. 963, King Edgar, with the Archbishops of Canter-
bury and York, and most of the Nobility and Gentry of the
realm, came together to Peterborough, then called Medesham-
stead. The King changed its name to St. Peter's Borough, gave
it great oblations, and “ wept for joy that he had a second Pome
wuhin his own kingdom.”—Old Chronicler.

Laws Amendment Bill—to do away with the long- standing injustice
of the law by which offences of Master against Servant are treated
as civil, but those of Servant against Master as criminal.

What is sauce for Master Goose will henceforth be sauce for
Servant Gander, and vice versa.

Friday (Lords).—Earl Delaware moved for a Select Committee
to inquire into the cruelties of cattle-transport. The Duke of
Richmond declined. There are more Select Committees than Govern-
ment know how to find work for already. Besides, what need for
inquiry ? The thing lies in a nutshell. There is law enough to
protect the poor brutes: all that is wanted is its enforcement. How
satisfactory for the cattle !

The Bishop of Exeter withdrew his Bill for consolidating little
livings—i. e., starvings — in Exeter city, en attendant a general
Bill— much wanted—giving powers to do as much everywhere.

(Commons.) Whalley the Wonderful in two of his favourite
characters, “the Jesuits’ Foe” and “the Claimant’s Friend,” sup-
ported in the second rule by the great K. A succes de rire for W. ;
a succes de desestime for the Doctor, both as usual.

Mr. Butt moved for a Royal Commission to pull up the Irish
Land Act of 1870, and look how it is growing. (A man must do
something for his money!) Sir M. H. Beach declined—in the
radical interests of the Act and of Ireland.

TEACHING THE TEACHERS.

As compulsory education is now a “ burning question” (so it was
three centuries ago—how history repeats itself!), Mr. Punch begs
to suggest a few novel Acts to the respectful consideration of
Members of Parliament. Gentlemen of the House of Commons will
be good enough to take out their pencils and note-books. Mr. Punch
begs to inform them that he will give his hearty support to any and
all of the following measures, when they come up for Reading a
Second Time :-

A Bill for Teaching Members of Parliament generally the differ-
ence between frivolous questions and important inquiries.

A Bill for Teaching Home-Rulers the practical inconvenience of
:aptious opposition.

A Bill tor Teaching Gentlemen who love late hours, and have
)een elected to “ the best Club in London,” that the duties of the
Louse need never interfere with the claims of the Home.

A Bill for Teaching Ladies fond of airing their eloquence in
mblic, that if conversation (in the drawing-room) is silver, silence
on the platform) must he golden.

A Bill for Teaching Young Bachelors that Club life pur et simple

lecomes monotonous after five-and-forty.
a Pi’ii rr^„„L,’r,n, rtnirtio,-.- that-. r>ash has not the relative rank of

honour and glory.

A Bill for Teaching the Royal Academicians that the walls of
Burlington House should not be hung with “ Pot-boilers.”

A Bill for Teaching Theatrical Managers that when “ the Mirror
is held up to Nature,” the result should never be a mere burlesque.

A Bill for Teaching Heads of Families about to travel on the
Continent that there is no place like home.

A Bill for Teaching Company Promoters (practically) that there is
no real difference between burglary and the manufacture of false
prospectuses.

A Bill for Teaching Cabmen (also practically) that an unprotected
Miss should never be considered as good as an extra mile.

And, finally, a Bill for Teaching the whole world a fact already
admitted by every civilised country under the sun, that the Best
Reformer, the Truest Patriot, and. the Wisest Sage, is to be found
in the person of Dear, Clever, Good-Natured Mr. Punch, of
85, Fleet Street, E.C., London.

“ That Clever Czar ! ”

We have all heard of Julius CiESAR’s “ Veni, vidi, vici! ” and
Sir Charles Najpier’s “ Peccavi” despatch. The last achievement
in the line of epistolary brevity is the Czar’s despatch, in answer to
the proposal of General Ivanofe, commanding on the Central
Asian frontier, to annex more territory. It was a blank, with the
direction phonetically spelt—“ General I’ve enough.”