Punch (72.1877)

June 30, 1877.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.

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EQUAL TO THE OCCASION.

Lady. " I want some Tea, Mary. I suppose Mamma did not leave the
Tea-Caddy unlocked ?"

Mary. " No, Mrss. Bdt I know where Missis keeps the Key. It is
under the Clock in the Study."

PARNELL'S GUIDE TO PARLIAMENT.

Last week Mr. Parnell delivered a Lecture on
"Parliamentary Behaviour," before an audience of whom
Mr. Biggar was the Chairman. In the course of the
proceedings 'the English Members were denounced as
" snobs," and the Irish, Home-Rulers not excepted, were
accused of various offences. "We hear that the suc-
cess which attended this maiden effort of Mr. Parnell
to shine as a Parliamentary teacher, is likely to lead to
the publication by him of a Hand-Book of Parlia-
mentary Etiquette. Of this very instructive manual
Mr. Punch subjoins some specimens from a copy sup-
plied by the courtesy of the publisher:—

When you enter] the House, talk as loudly as you
can, and, if possible, have a personal altercation with a
brother Member about your seat.

If you arrive before prayers have been said, whistle
during the ceremony.

Always be prepared with a stock of questions upon
subjects of the most _ frivolous character. In putting
these questions to Ministers, make your speeches as long
and as offensive as you can. If you can accuse innocent
persons wrongfully, so much the better. Explanations
consume time, if they do not always afford amusement.

Interrupt the most useful and eloquent speeches with
the coarsest objections, and shout and hoot whenever an
opportunity is afforded to you.

Dine every day in the House with Mr. Biggar.

When not engaged actively in debate, haunt the
Smoking-room and the Library, to the great delight of
your fellow Members.

Whenever you catch the'Speaker's eye, consume as
much time as possible in reading lengthy extracts from
ancient Blue-Books.

Should the Leader of the Party you pretend to serve
venture upon remonstrating with you, write letters to
the Papers impugning his honesty and patriotism.

Meet every attempt at useful Legislation with frivolous
objection and vexatious opposition.

In fact, make up' your mind that the House of Com-
mons is composed of snobs, and keep up that belief in
yourself and others by taking every possible'and im-
possible opportunity of behaving like an arrant snob
yourself!

Motto of the Emperor of Brazil.—" Here, there,
and everywhere."

SOMETHING LIKE A HOLIDAY.

{An Extract from the Diary of an Imperial Majesty.)

4 a.m.—Much annoyed to find that I had overslept myself. Rose>
hurriedly dressed, demi-toilette, night-shirt, pantalons a pied, and
light pardessus), bathed in the Serpentine, and ran round the Park.

5 a.m.—Went to the Alexandra Palace and took the officials by
surprise, though I had sent word I should come to-day. Annoyed
to find they hadn't an opera ready.

6 a.m.—Took a cup of coffee and went to the Zoological Gardens.
Woke the Lions, had a ride upon the Elephants, and assisted at
the Hippopotamusses' morning bath. N.B.—Proud to be before-
hand with them.

7 a.m.—Called upon the Prince, and had a chat with His Royal
Highness at his bedside. Afterwards visited the Polytechnic, and
managed, the attendants not being up, to get down in the Diving
Bell singlehanded.

8 a.m.—Went to Kew and had breakfast with Dr. Hooker. Dur-
ing our repast a celebrated botanist was good enough to deliver a
lecture.

9 a.m.—Called at St. Thomas's Hospital, went over all the wards,
and visited the museum, &c, &c. Had not time to wait for an
address from the Governors.

10 a.m.—Went into the City and visited the Mansion House, the
Stock Exchange, Billingsgate, and the Tower. Had a long inter-
view with Mr. Punch at 85, Fleet Street.

11 a.m.—Drove to the Albert Hall and played upon the Organ.
Then looked in upon the South Kensington Museum, and attended
lectures upon Drawing, Art-Needlework, and Cookery.

12 noon.—Went to the Crystal Palace, linked, and inspected the
fishes. On account of my pressing engagements, the Directors
allowed me to have the fireworks by daylight.

1 p.m.—Drove to the Orleans Club, and had a pull upon the river.

2 p.m.—Went over the Mint, and inspected the machinery of the
Post Office, St. Martin's-le-Grand.

3 p.m.—Drove to Lords' and assisted at a Cricket Match.

4 p.m.—Hurried to the Westminster Aquarium, and was permitted
by that august body the Council of Fellows to try Zazel's gun-
trick. Rather shaken, but soon recovered by lunch in the Gros-
venor Gallery.

5 p.m.—After visiting the Royal Academy, attended " five o'clock
tea " in Belgravia, South Kensington, and Portland Place.

6 p.m.—Yisited Westminster Abbey, St. Paul's Cathedral, and the
Oratory, Brompton.

7 p.m.—Dinner at the Hotel. Took my coffee in Battersea Park.

8 p.m.—Went to the Egyptian Hall to see Zoe, and dropped in for
a few minutes at the House of Commons.

9 p.m.—Saw what I could of Covent Garden, the Lyceum, and Her
Majesty's, and much enjoyed the artistic acting of Mr. Jeffebson
at the Haymarket.

10 p.m.—Telegraphed directions to my Ministers in Brazil, danced
a quadrille at Willis's Rooms, and was respectfully refused admit-
tance at the Beef Steak Club, where, I regretted to learn, no
strangers are permitted.

11 p.m.—Supped at the Albion. Afterwards I attended a ball in
Carlton Gardens.

12 Midnight.—Called upon Messrs. Gladstone, Tennyson, and
Thomas Carlyle, and, after enjoying three delightful chats, re-
turned to my hotel.

1 a.m.—Wrote a few letters, read the Times through, set my
alarum for three o'clock, and went to bed.

Latest Instance of Development.

In a recent record of prize-winners at a great Pig Show we read—

PURE YOUNG YORKSHIRE SOW, descended from Earl Elles-
mere's celebrated Peacock ! ! !

One would be curious to know if there are any traces of this in-
teresting descent in the eyes or tails of these Peacock-descended
Porkers, and whether they are visibly proud of their pedigree, as
descendants of the Peacock family have a right to be ?