Punch (72.1877)

300

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June so, 1877.

DAILY TELEGRAPH DIALOGUE-BOOK

Fob the Europe of the Future, ayherever Buss in TJrbe is the

Rule.

(To be translated into Turkish, Russian, German, French, and Italian,
and any other language, according to the localisation of the war.)

I have not arrived at
this station with all
these boxes with a view
to waging war upon
anyone.

My wife is not a spy,
my son is not an agi-
tator, and the baby is
not a member of any
secret society.

I am not a partizan of
the Czar, or the Sultan-,
or the Emperor. (As
the case may be.)

I am delighted that
Constantinople is taken,
or St. Petersburg burnt.
{According .to the cir-
cumstances.)

I shall be greatly ob-
liged if you will not
force me to fight as a
volunteer in your army.

I can assure you that
my son is unable to fire
off that cannon.

My wife says she will
not help to carry the
wounded.

Landlord, can you
give me a sitting-room
that is out of the reach
of shell ?

Do you think we can
visit that cathedral
(which Murray describes
as a most interesting
building) if I walk in
front of our party with
my handkerchief tied'to my umbrella as a flag of truce ?
Will there be any battles this morning, Waiter ?
Coachman, your overcharge is disgraceful, and it is no excuse to
tell me that you were obliged to go a long way round, because the
enemy had blown up the bridges.
Will you please show me some bullet-proof cloaks ?
No, I do not want any other article to-day, thank you. Madame
my wife is already possessed of a steel-plated sun-shade.

Can you give me four places on this gun-carriage, please ? I was
told that there would be no necessity to book the seats, as there
would be plenty of room.

Will you kindly let me know when you intend to spring the mines,
as Madame my wife is rather nervous.

What business we have here ? Why, we are only English, and the
English are the friends of everybody.

Field-Marshal, you take the matter too seriously, and if you
really mean what you say about holding a drum-head court-martial,
I shall certainly consult my solicitor.

Look here ! If you do shoot me, I swear I will write to the Times.
There now!

FRENCH CHAMBER-MUSIC.

Chamber - Music, well played, is delightful. But French
Chamber-Music can be anything but pleasant, when, according to
ear-witnesses, it consists of sounds like these :—

"The Left howled and hooted, the Eight barked and bellowed, Members
fiercely shook their fists, and shouted at each other in a din of uncouth noises,
which the President in vain attempted to subdue."

If our M.P.'s wish to emulate such performances, they had better
exchange St. Stephen's for the Isle of Dogs.

But we sincerely hope such Chamber Concerts will be never
popular on this side of the Channel, where we prefer our own
serene "Monday Pops," to popping the Parliamentary Question in
the rude and rampagious fashion of which conflicting parties in
the French Chambers have lately been setting the example, pitch-
ing into each other " Right and Left "—or, as we say, in the same
sense—"hammer and tongs."

PRETTY WORK IN A WORKHOUSE !

Mr. Punch,—Onnerd Sir,

Talk of joax ere's a joak for yu. I cutt it out of a amshire
Paper, giving a count of a Metin of the Southampton Board of
Gardians Lately eld at the Workus, wen in that Institooshun—the
Workus mind Mr. Punch, the Union Workus—them Porochial
Hofficers ad actially led afore em a request for to sankshun, in the
Workus, i Repete amung the Paupers,

"A 'Golden Wedding Day.'—The Clerk, Mr. C. C. Smith, read a
letter from two of the inmates, in which they stated that they were about to
ask a favour respecting an event which only occurred once in a lifetime. If
it pleased God to spare them till the 24th of this month, they had been
married fifty years, and they would be glad if the Board would help them to a
small trifle to celebrate the ' golden' day. The letter concluded—' By so
doing you will oblige your humble servants, James and Mary Drudge.' "

Drudges in a Workus haxing to be aloud a Golden Weddin!
Now, ain't that a joak, Sir, a i joak—ain't it as i a joak as ever you
seed—the werry ite of Himperance ? A likely joak yu'd think, but
honly f ansy the gardians theirselves in the werry hexercise of there
important Porochial Hoffis a takin of it serious, and not honly that
but actially some of 'em a listnin and givin in to the owdashous
haplicashun of them there wicious old Paupers to deseeriate the
Workus with a Golden Weddin Day! Tho simminly uncredibel
sitch wur the Fact.

" Mr. Walden proposed that a little extra diet should be allowed on the
day named ; but the Clerk pointed out that this was out of the power of the
Master. The Deputy President said he would give a small subscription in
order that the old people might enjoy themselves. "Whatever extra was pro-
vided in this way was to be at the discretion of the Master."

So i spose them abandund hold Drudges was raly purmited to old
their Golden Weddin together in Southampton Workus. Wot a
wiolation of Porochial Dissiplin and Porochial Heconnmy ! I ears
sad Things abut Southampton Workus as to makin Paupers Too
Comfortabel—they manidges things Beter in the ile of White. But
sitch Indulgence as a Golden Weddin I shouldn't never have sus-
pected heven of the Southampton Gardians. A Golden Weddin
indede. A Pinchback Weddin is the Weddin i'd a hordered 'em
if i'd ad the power, and they shood eech ave kep it in the refractary
Ward asunder on Lo Dyet. Wy, wasn't Workuses intendid to
Punnish Weddins amung the indignant Pore ?

In Conclusion, Mister Punch, alow me to pint out the werry
hawful if not hobvious suckemstance that the 24th of Joon wen this
here preshus Golden Weddin wus no doubt sellybrated in South-
ampton Workus fell on Sunday. Wearby 2 orrible houtrages on
Porochial Properiety wus committed at wonce by Perfanin not honly
the sanctaty of the Workus but hallso of the Sabath. In witch Case
if the Sunday Rest Associashun and the Guvment Board don't both
come down upon the Southampton Gardians, I ope you will, Mr.
Punch, with witch ixpectashun, Sir, I makes bold to conclude

Your obejent and umble Servant,

Bumble.

P.S.—And witch I Respeckfully submits is both Rime and Rezun.

Much. Simpler Plan.

My Dear Mr. Punch,

I see they are sending out people to observe the approach-
ing opposition of Mars.

The opposition of Ma's can be observed among the wall-flowers at
any West-End. dance during the season.

Yours truly, Angelina.

The Fall of a Poplar Patriarch.

We learn with regret, from a Weekly Contemporary, that the
Giant Poplar at Henley has been blown down. Our recorder of the
catastrophe calls the fallen Giant "the last of its Race." What
a pity the last of its Race did not survive to see the first of its
Regatta! ___

political opposites.

Mr. Gladstone has defined a Radical to be a man who is_ in
earnest. Would he, then, define a Tory as a man who is in joke ?

Suggested Vestments for the Brethren of the Holy
Cross.—Tar and feathers.

The Priest in Absolution will be followed, we hope, by The
Horsewhip in Application.