Punch (72.1877)

May 5, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193

AN INDUCEMENT.

Pip. " YOU SHOULD ALWAYS do WHAT MAMMA TELLS TOU, SlBSL. If YOU ALWAYS
HAD, YOU 'D HAVE BEEN IN HEAVEN LONG AGO t "

WHAT IT MAY COME TO.

{With the kind Permission of the Authorities.)

Smith Pasha (a Captain in the 30th. Hussars, Prince
Leopold's Own) is marching' northwards with a large
Turkish army. He is likely to be opposed, on reach-
ing Russian soil, by Genebal Count Snookski,
another English officer on half-pay.

Bkown Effendi (of Her Majesty's Tin Tax Office)
has accepted the post of Director of War Telegraphs
to the Turkish Government. He will leave England
immediately (on long leave) to undertake the duties
of his new post.

M. Thompsonoff (of the British Foreign Office) has
been intrusted with the mission of stirring up an
insurrection on the borders of the Danube by the
Russian Government.

Jones Effendi (a Captain in the Royal Navy) is
in command of four Turkish Iron-clads. He has
been ordered to bombard Odessa. He has received
no instructions to spare British property in that
port.

Captain Bbownoff (of the Royal Engineers, Chat-
ham) has accepted temporary service in the Russian
Army. He will be intrusted with the construction of
a road from Khiva to British India. It will be re-
membered that Captain Bbownoff has recently re-
turned from service with his company in the North-
West Provinces.

Robinson Bet (of the English Treasury) has ac-
cepted a contract from the Turkish Government to set
the Suez Canal on fire with torpedoes, powder, and
patent wood.

Members of the Indian Civil Service have been
engaged by the Russian Government to furnish con-
fidential reports of the state of native feeling in the
Presidencies of Bengal, Bombay, and Madras.

In Re Beetle-Ci'usher.

Dear Mr. Punch,

As it seems we are doomed to dance Polkas this
season, and as the old "Stamp Galop" has gone
out of fashion, do, like a dear old man, suggest to
Mb. Godfrey to give us a "Please don't Stamp
Polka." The name might convey a gentle hint, not
before it is wanted, to some over-heavy-footed
partners. I am, &c,

Camilla Swansdown.

BEAUTIEICATION FOE BAENES COMMON.

There are actually those who deprecate Railway extension on
Barnes Common! Still more, Mr. Punch, will they object to the
improvement designed for that pleasant place bv other and even
more tasteful parties than London and South-Western Railway
Directors.

Going towards Richmond by way of Hammersmith Bridge Road,
turn down the lane thence diverging at the " Red Lion " Pub. It
takes you out on the Common. You pass between meadows on the
right and left. The meadow close on the right has in it a rookery
among tall elm-trees. On the left the meadows are besprinkled and
bespangled with daisies and buttercups and marsh-marigold and
cuckoo-flower ; and as the season advances, and when haymaking is
at hand, the grass will have grown up luxuriantly, crested and
tinted with red sorrel.

On this side, just where the lane opens on the Common, nigh to
your elbow stands a pole, displaying a red flag. A series of like
poles and flags, a few yards apart, extends all the way up to the
Cemetery. In the midst of them is hoisted a black board, exhibiting,
in white letters, the enlivening legend, "Site of the Proposed
Sewage-Manure Works." Danger-signals these, apparently, hung
out by absurdly alarmed Conservators.

The site of the proposed Sewage-Manure Works is at present
occupied by nothing prettier than furze richly out in bright yellow
bloom. On a hot sunny day, to be sure, blooming furze exhales a
delightful odour. Fancy that of the Works !

A background to the site of the proposed Sewage-Manure Works
is formed of mere rows of trees coming out in leaf. Would not
Dr. Johnson have been right in saying that a grove of chimnevs in
a place like that was better than any grove of trees ? Particularly
such chimneys as the chimneys of Sewage-Manure Works.

1 am informed by enemies of the parties who propose to embellish
Barnes Common with Sewage-Manure Works that they are princi-

pally certain parochial pigs of the Bumble description styed a
Mortlake, where they have close by them an almost unfrequented
and quite out-of-the-way common in their immediate neighbour-
hood, between the road and Richmond Park, to build upon if they
must build Sewage-Manure Works upon a common rather than
expend enough money to have their sewers connected with a system
of main drainage.

Their foes also affirm that the project for the invasion and defile-
ment of Barnes Common, as ' hey call it, is opposed by the people of
Barnes and Putney, and even by those of remote Kensington, very
naturally, they say; for, should it be executed, the next step in
sanitary progress may be expected to be the erection of Sewage
Manure Works in Kensington Gardens. And why not ?

I was greatly surprised, as no doubt you will be, to hear that the
Barnes Common Improvement and Odorisation Scheme is likewise
opposed by the Metropolitan Board of Works. But its worthy
promoters are said to have prevailed so far as to have got a Govern-
ment Inspector appointed to report on the merits of their lovely
design.

Sound the alarm, Mr. Punch, summon alii the right-minded
Members of Parliament, and arouse the Society for the Preservation
of Open Spaces with your most raucous roo-too-tooi for a trumpet-
call to aid public benefactors in the attempt to enrich Barnes
Common with a delight to the eye, and a pleasure to the organ
which duly appreciates ^ Nosegay

Most Questionable Recommendation.

Hebe is about the worst recommendation from a man's last place
we ever heard of :—

T7ENTILATION, DRAINAGE, and WARMING thoroughly effected
Y at the least expense. Sixteen years' experience in the War-Office.
—Address, &c.

VOL.rLXXII.

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