Punch (74.1878)

96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Masch 2, 1878.

FACILIS DESCENSUS.

Owner of Eace-horscs. " "What do you mean by telling me Lies, you little
Scamp? You told me you didn't Fall off Bucephalus this Morning, and
Brown tells m'e you did; just as you have done regularly every
Morning since you've been here !"

Embryo Jockey. " 0 Sir, please, Sir, I didn't Fall off this Morning—I

was chucked off ! "

THE NEW POPE'S 1TRST DAY.

He performed all the customary observances necessary
to complete Ms election — tolled the great bell of St.
Peter's, counted over all the Peter's pence lving in the
Papal strong box, kissed all the Cardinals, Monsignors,
Chamberlains, and other great functionaries on the right
cheek, and was kissed by them on the left, gave audiences
to his jeweller, hatter, and shoemaker, ordered several
rings and rosaries, hats, birette and zucchette of various
colours and patterns, and a dozen pairs of slippers for
ordinary masses and State occasions.

He sent for his chiropodist, as he felt symptoms of a
bunion on the foot which he knew he should have to
present to the lips of the faithful.

He despatched telegrams to Carpineto (his native
town) and Perugia (his Archiepiscopal See).

He wrote to all his relations, and named an early day
for a family gathering at the Yatican.

He went into his bedroom, locked the door, and tried
on the triple crown before a large looking-glass.

He took a large sheet of paper, and signed his new
name several times, to see how it looked.

He composed some verses on his election.

He hired a coachman.

He thought a great deal about Antonelli.

He resolved to contribute to the Paris Exhibition.

He ordered some note-paper and envelopes with his
new address and monogram.

He went into his library, and walked round and
round the room smoking a cigarette, and meditating his
first Encyclical.

He wrote a charming little note to the Quirinal, beg-
ging the King and Queen to fix their own day for a
dinner with him en famille.

He looked through the lives of all the other Leos, and
determined what to do and what to avoid.

He enjoyed his dinner, and took just one glass of wine
more than usual.

He went to bed, but could not go to sleep, for think-
ing of the penalties of greatness—the speeches he should
have to deliver, tbe deputations he would have to receive,
the allocutions, bulls, and encyclicals he would have to
compose, the sittings he would have to give to painters,
photographers, and sculptors, the number of times he

should have to offer his foot to be kissed, and-but

here he fell asleep, and dreamed of another of. his
penalties, the " Irreconcileables."

DOG-ROASTING AND ITS RESULTS.

My dear Master,

Will you allow me to bring to your notice this paragraph

from a "West Country paper P—

"Weston-super-Mare. — Setting a Dog on Fire.—At the Police-
court on Saturday, three respectable-looking lads of South Brent, named
Alfred Slocombe, Walter Johnson, and John Webber, were sum-
moned, at the instance of Mr. 0. S. Round, hon. secretary to the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, for ill-treating and torturing a dog, by
setting fire to it, on January 4th. The principal evidence was Slocombe's
own admission, which was to the effect that on the day in question, whilst the
other two held a sheep-dog, the property of Mr. Day, he (Slocombe) poured
some turpentine on the dog's hinder legs and abdomen, and then set fire to it,
the result being that the poor animal was dreadfully scorched. Mr. Jones
having addressed the Bench for the defence, the Magistrates said they tvere
inclined to take a more lenient view of the offence in consequence of Slo-
combe' s confession, and a fine of 40s. and costs would be imposed on him,
whilst the other defendants would be discharged with a caution."

Please, Master, what does Archdeacon Denison, who, I believe,
is Hector of South Brent, think of this piece of brutal cruelty, and
the Magistrates^ way of dealing with it? In our parts the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals prosecutes the Brewers'
and Yintners' Company for nicking the Company's mark on their
Swans' beaks. In the West, the Society's Secretary seems better
employed in pulling up barbarous young ruffians like these, from
whom Hogarth might have taken a new hint for his " Progress of
Cruelty.'' Tom Nero never imagined anything half as horrible.

Now, Swans are stately birds, but nix is nothing, and Swan-
upping inflicts no appreciable pain. But dogs are the friends of man
—at least I am your f rieud, my dear Master ; and all the dogs I know
would be very sad dogs if they did not feel they had friends in their
masters and their masters' servants and children.

But here the torture of one of these humble friends—a sheep-dog

too, one of the most useful, inoffensive, hardest-working, and
hardest-living of our family—is treated as a matter for a forty-
shilling fine of the young brute who poured and lighted the turpen-
tine with which the poor dog was roasted alive, and for the dis-
charge with a caution, of two, quite as brutal, aiders and abettors,
who held the poor animal while the torture was inflicted.

Dear Master, there is a loud clamour against Yivisection, but, at
least, when the Doctors inflict pain on us it is to gain knowledge that
may be used to relieve the pains of our masters. On the dissecting-
table and in the laboratory dogs suffer for men. That is part of
our pride and all of your justification. But here! I am glad
that the Magistrates are anonymous in the paragraph I have seen,
so I can't " name names"—as the Speaker threatens to do in very
bad cases—and hold them up, personally, to the disgust of a non-
admiring world. But in the hope you will put my bark into your
paper, and that both the act and the magisterial treatment of it,
in their respective weights and measures, may awaken the indigna-
tion which they deserve.

I am, dear Master, always yours faithfully,

Toby.

"Sich a Gettin' Downstairs."

Gold, John Bull's Sovereign, is beaten holler
By Silver, Uncle Sam's " Almighty Dollar."
Creditors' dues now Debtor-doos acquit, too,
And pay Sam's Gold Bill with Bland's Silver ditto.
If debts still grow, to ease o'er-burthened mean backs,
What will Sam have recourse to ? Waal, guess Greenbacks
If doos still rule, and dues still grow—in paper-
How will Sam pay them off P—Waal, with a taper.

Bismarck's Beatitude.—Beati possidentes.