Punch (79.1880)

September 4, 1880.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

107

hideous frauds, the most degrading of felonies. Not
a hundred years ago they would have been hanged for
their transgressions, and it is a mistake and a mis-
fortune that the law now shows them clemency. The

names of these infamous villains are-

Incidental.

Editor to Colonel Contributor.—For both our sakes I must cut
you short! What you are writing is rank libel!

Colonel Contributor to Editor.—You have no right to interfere
with a professional man writing on a professional subjeet! Sir,
I am absolutely shaking with indignation !

Editor to Colonel Contributor.—Shake, but hear !

Colonel Contributor to Editor.—1 am at your orders, Sir.
Pistols for two, and coffee for one.

Editor to Colonel Contributor.—No; permit me, coffee and
cigars for two. I trust to your kindness of heart, sound sense,
and moderation, and I am sure the conclusion of your admirable
paper will be simply excellent.

The Article (concluded).

The Scandal at 'Wimbledon can be only dealt with by
military men. What right have a pack of incompetent
•civilians to talk about it F But there is a lower depth.
The Editor of this paper has dared to lecture the writer
of this article upon his facts, his literary style, and his
■convictions! The.writer of this article.is an old Soldier,
and has been out in his day a score of times, and is ready
to go out again. He is a dead shot with a pistol, and
taught Angelo fencing. He tells the Editor of this
paper that--

[.Remainder of the Article editorially suppressed.]

LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL

II.—The Song op the Sandbox.

0

sand

Holiday-makers can
rarely be still,

But take super-
human exertions
And make themselves hot
and exhausted and ill
To organise horrid “ ex-
cursions ” !

Let those who enjoy it ride
out in a “ shay ”—
Exploring each dell and
each dingle—

fj But let me throw stones in
, o the water all day
'—' And roll on the

and the shingle !

They think it delightful to walk on the pier,

And try to create a sensation ;

When passengers land, looking pallid and queer,

A cause is for great jubilation :

Let lunatics listen to bands when they play,

And nod to their noise and their jingle—

But let me throw stones in the water all day
And roll on the sand and the shingle !

Anemone-hunters roam over the rocks,

All hoping to fish up a tank-full;

They hopelessly ruin their shoes and their socks—

0 why can’t they rest and be thankful ?

They rave o’er a winkle, a wrass, or a wray,

And sea-weeds that with them commingle—

Bat let me throw stones in the water all day
And roll on the sand and the shingle /

They think it is pleasant to go for a sail
With wind in a dubious quarter;

When waves “ chop about,” and they get very pale
And up to their knees in the water.

Let maritime maniacs, wetted with spray,

Discourse on a cleat or a cringle—

But let me throw stones in the ivater all day
And roll on the sancl and the shingle !

I ’d much rather take a good pull at ozone
Without all this hustle and riot;

If well-meaning friends would but leave me alone,
To bask in the sunshine and quiet.

Such labour as theirs fills my heart with dismay—
The thought of it makes my blood tingle—■

So I will throw stones in the water all day
And roll on the sand and the shingle !

[Left rolling.

A FREE TRANSLATION.

(With Punch's Apologies to the Shade of Uhland.)
Our Seasick Poet—

“Take, oh Steward, thrice thy fee ;

I ’VE BEEN AS ILL AS ANY THREE ! ”

THE MUDEOG PAPERS.

Messrs. Bentley and Son have republished Charles Dickens’s Mudfog
Papers, which first appeared in their Miscellany. Those who remember Albert
Smith’s brochures, such as The Gent, The Ballet Girl, &c., may easily see in
wliat school he had studied, by reading The Pantomime of Life. But the
other evening, while assisting at a representation of The World, by Messrs.
Merritt, Pettitt, and Harris, we were tickled into a sudden guffaw by this
line placed in the mouth of Mr. Jackson as the Comic Yillain—“Veil, ’ere
ve are again, as the Queen says ven she opens Parlyment! ” The absurd
association of ideas struck us as a decidedly original turn of humour. Oddly
enough, on reading the Mudfog Papers, we hit on the following passage, in
The Pantomime of Life:—“ We take it that the commencement of the Session
of Parliament is neither more nor less than the drawing up of the Curtain for a
Grand Comic Pantomime, and that His Majesty’s most gracious Speech on the
opening thereof may be not inaptly compared to the Clown's opening speech of
“ Here we are ! ” (Dickens, by the way, omits the “ again.”) “ ‘My Lords and
Gentlemen, here we are! ’ appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good
abstract of the point and meaning of the propitiatory address of the Ministry.”
The authors of The World had probably never seen or heard of the Mudfog
Papers; but, even after tbis distance of time, les grancls esprits se touchent.
The Mudfog Papers are most interesting as a specimen of Dickens’s budding
humour. Perhaps the best in the collection is The Pantomime of Life. The
description of the Pantaloon and the Harlequin is inimitable.

A Swell’s Iteview.

A Tramp Abroad is equal to any book by two authors. Of course it is. It’s
by Mask Twain. Second Notice, by our Lardy-Dardy Swell: “Aw! vewy
amusing—vewy—aw I He’s not at all a slow Twain, though he stops at such
a lot of places. Yaas. Wead it. Yaas. You can get it at Shutters and
Windows. I mean Chatters and Wonders—I mean Chatto and Wind us.
Adoo.”

Touching Ceremony in the Irish Hills.—“Waking ” the Echoes.