DOI issue:
September 4, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17764#0116
108
HOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER,
Off offen I’ve
thort that on the
hole,. praps, the
Sheriffs is about
the mostwunder-
fullest chaps as I
knows on. Your
Lord Mayor and
your Aldermuns
gets a good Pren-
tiship as Com-
mon Counsel, and
so gets hardened
to ’igh livin’.
But a sheriff
comes suddenly
into it, without
any pruppera-
tion, and the na-
tural consequence
enshews, one or
other on em is
layd up about
wunce a fortnite
for the fust few
munths, and no
wunder, wen one
thinks wot they
has to go through.
Wot hecums on em all ? Brown says they takes their Carridges with
em, and goes to Africa and becomes African Princes. But in course
that’s only his nonsince. Tho’ I was told by a i'rend of mine, who’s
a second hand Coachman in Long Aker, that his master wunce had a
order to paint up a old Sheriff’s Coach with lots of red and blue and
gold and silver, and sprawlin liuns and things, and to make two
woodin hosses as large as life, runnin on fore wheels, and painted
quite natterel, and they was all sent to Africa as a pressent to one of
the Chiefs, who used to have ten niggers tied to the hosses to pull
the Coach alon^, and he used to sit on the Box and flog ’em all the
way! I shoudn’t have liked to have had to wate on His Boyal
Hiness.
To my mind the hite of human dignety is a full-blown Master
Free Mason with his apron on, and all the ensines of his office !
Many and many a Bite Honnorebble Gent have I had the honner
of assisting down-stairs wen leaving the hospitibble Board ; and once
a Boyal Pussunidge, who was speechless with emoshun, grasped my
hand, and shook it! I made all my family go thro’ the same serre-
mony before I woshed that onerd hand.
I don’t think as how we perfeshnal Gents is treeted with propper
respek. I heerd a young Swell say, only last week, that he hated
wearing white Chokers, they made a man look so much like a
Waiter! Well, I want to no wot he’d like to look like? Why,
only a short, time ago, a very young iSTobbleman, evidently quite
unused to City life, came to a great City Gill hankit, and wen I
went up to him to take his Hat, I made my ushal bow, which I
copies as neer as I can from Boyalty, the young Gentleman axshally
shook hands with me and adrest me as Woshupfool Marster! I
never was so taken a back in all my life. I axshally hlusht to that
ekstent that I must have looked like a meer vulgar Country Squire !
I am sorry to see that a lot of Forren Mussenneries has cum over
from France and Gemmany to take the bread out of the mouths of
the fine old English Waiter, tho’ preshus little of that common Stuff
they’d find in mine. I wunder where this here Free Trade is a
goin to take us to ? Who ever thought of Free Trade in Waiters ?
The thing’s ridiklus. A line set these Mussenneries are, to be
sure ! They rush about here, there, and everywere, making their -
selves as they calls’ it jinrully usefool, & atending to anybody as
wants anythmk, the Ijots! Ho quiet dignety, no orty demeener,
no stickin in one place, whether you’re wanted or not, and, above
all, no conveeneent Defness ! Ah! if this sort of thing goes on, it
will cause a nice sort of change, this will! Why at least harf on us
won’t be wanted at all, and the rest will have to intirely halter
their old sistum. All werry well for boys; hut how about us as
has grown gray in the suvviss ? My Wiskers, which is wot is called
Mutton Chop pattun, has begun to change colour, and wen I asked
Brown how it was that my wiskers changed before my head, he
said, with a laugh, it was becos my jaws had more work than my
brains. I wonder what he ment, sum of his chart', I suppose.
(Signed) Bobert.
[September 4, 1880.
WHY THERE ARE NO “EGOES” THIS WEEK.
Last week our esteemed Contributor gave the reason for his con-
spicuous absence. He told us that he was going to have his hair
cut. Naturally enough, we were most anxious to know where this
operation was to be performed. There seemed to be some reluctance
on his part to inform us. But in the interests of the public we
pressed the question. The answer was most completely satisfactory.
He had determined on undergoing the operation; and when Our
Own Egoist has determined on anything, he does it, or has it done
for him. Yet he is such a wonderful man, that we thought it.highly
probable he would disdain all assistance, and insist on cutting his
own hair as, years ago, when quite a child, he had cut his own teeth.
And at that time how irritable he was!
On inquiry at his house, we ascertained that he had abandoned all
idea of cutting his own hair, and had made an arrangement with a
distinguished professional operator, who cuts hair “By Appoint-
ment.”
Being nervous as to the after-effects of the operation on a naturally
delicate constitution, we arranged to be present on an occasion
which might be fraught with fatal consequences if skilful hands
were not employed. All that money could do, up to one shilling,
was done. "With our Artist we were on the spot during the cutting,
of which we subjoin a Cut.
We are glad to say that, our excellent Contributor is in perfect
health and spirits, but, owing to the fact of his being compelled to
have his hat removed in order to submit to the operation, he did not
recover himself quite so soon as we had expected. Previous to
placing himself in the operator’s chair., our excellent Contributor
shook hands with the hairdresser, and said that he forgave him. It
was a touching scene.
The patient was under the influence of Gas for more than twenty-
five minutes, and on waking he was understood to exclaim “ Sham-
poo ! ” whereupon, a young assistant, with more zeal than discretion,
at once wheeled him to the basin, and put his head under the tap.
This quickly restored him to more than his ordinary self, and, start-
ing up, he explained that he had asked for “ Champagne,” and not
“ Shampoo.” The mistake was easily rectified with a draught on
Pommery & Co. tres sec et bienfrappe.
Latest Bulletin.—Progressing favourably. Hair growing again.
QUOTATION ADAPTED TO INDIFFERENT SERVICE AT AN
OVERCROW'D ED SUPPER.
Waiter! Waiter! everywhere,
And not a drop to drink !
Ancient Mariner (■very dry).
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER,
Off offen I’ve
thort that on the
hole,. praps, the
Sheriffs is about
the mostwunder-
fullest chaps as I
knows on. Your
Lord Mayor and
your Aldermuns
gets a good Pren-
tiship as Com-
mon Counsel, and
so gets hardened
to ’igh livin’.
But a sheriff
comes suddenly
into it, without
any pruppera-
tion, and the na-
tural consequence
enshews, one or
other on em is
layd up about
wunce a fortnite
for the fust few
munths, and no
wunder, wen one
thinks wot they
has to go through.
Wot hecums on em all ? Brown says they takes their Carridges with
em, and goes to Africa and becomes African Princes. But in course
that’s only his nonsince. Tho’ I was told by a i'rend of mine, who’s
a second hand Coachman in Long Aker, that his master wunce had a
order to paint up a old Sheriff’s Coach with lots of red and blue and
gold and silver, and sprawlin liuns and things, and to make two
woodin hosses as large as life, runnin on fore wheels, and painted
quite natterel, and they was all sent to Africa as a pressent to one of
the Chiefs, who used to have ten niggers tied to the hosses to pull
the Coach alon^, and he used to sit on the Box and flog ’em all the
way! I shoudn’t have liked to have had to wate on His Boyal
Hiness.
To my mind the hite of human dignety is a full-blown Master
Free Mason with his apron on, and all the ensines of his office !
Many and many a Bite Honnorebble Gent have I had the honner
of assisting down-stairs wen leaving the hospitibble Board ; and once
a Boyal Pussunidge, who was speechless with emoshun, grasped my
hand, and shook it! I made all my family go thro’ the same serre-
mony before I woshed that onerd hand.
I don’t think as how we perfeshnal Gents is treeted with propper
respek. I heerd a young Swell say, only last week, that he hated
wearing white Chokers, they made a man look so much like a
Waiter! Well, I want to no wot he’d like to look like? Why,
only a short, time ago, a very young iSTobbleman, evidently quite
unused to City life, came to a great City Gill hankit, and wen I
went up to him to take his Hat, I made my ushal bow, which I
copies as neer as I can from Boyalty, the young Gentleman axshally
shook hands with me and adrest me as Woshupfool Marster! I
never was so taken a back in all my life. I axshally hlusht to that
ekstent that I must have looked like a meer vulgar Country Squire !
I am sorry to see that a lot of Forren Mussenneries has cum over
from France and Gemmany to take the bread out of the mouths of
the fine old English Waiter, tho’ preshus little of that common Stuff
they’d find in mine. I wunder where this here Free Trade is a
goin to take us to ? Who ever thought of Free Trade in Waiters ?
The thing’s ridiklus. A line set these Mussenneries are, to be
sure ! They rush about here, there, and everywere, making their -
selves as they calls’ it jinrully usefool, & atending to anybody as
wants anythmk, the Ijots! Ho quiet dignety, no orty demeener,
no stickin in one place, whether you’re wanted or not, and, above
all, no conveeneent Defness ! Ah! if this sort of thing goes on, it
will cause a nice sort of change, this will! Why at least harf on us
won’t be wanted at all, and the rest will have to intirely halter
their old sistum. All werry well for boys; hut how about us as
has grown gray in the suvviss ? My Wiskers, which is wot is called
Mutton Chop pattun, has begun to change colour, and wen I asked
Brown how it was that my wiskers changed before my head, he
said, with a laugh, it was becos my jaws had more work than my
brains. I wonder what he ment, sum of his chart', I suppose.
(Signed) Bobert.
[September 4, 1880.
WHY THERE ARE NO “EGOES” THIS WEEK.
Last week our esteemed Contributor gave the reason for his con-
spicuous absence. He told us that he was going to have his hair
cut. Naturally enough, we were most anxious to know where this
operation was to be performed. There seemed to be some reluctance
on his part to inform us. But in the interests of the public we
pressed the question. The answer was most completely satisfactory.
He had determined on undergoing the operation; and when Our
Own Egoist has determined on anything, he does it, or has it done
for him. Yet he is such a wonderful man, that we thought it.highly
probable he would disdain all assistance, and insist on cutting his
own hair as, years ago, when quite a child, he had cut his own teeth.
And at that time how irritable he was!
On inquiry at his house, we ascertained that he had abandoned all
idea of cutting his own hair, and had made an arrangement with a
distinguished professional operator, who cuts hair “By Appoint-
ment.”
Being nervous as to the after-effects of the operation on a naturally
delicate constitution, we arranged to be present on an occasion
which might be fraught with fatal consequences if skilful hands
were not employed. All that money could do, up to one shilling,
was done. "With our Artist we were on the spot during the cutting,
of which we subjoin a Cut.
We are glad to say that, our excellent Contributor is in perfect
health and spirits, but, owing to the fact of his being compelled to
have his hat removed in order to submit to the operation, he did not
recover himself quite so soon as we had expected. Previous to
placing himself in the operator’s chair., our excellent Contributor
shook hands with the hairdresser, and said that he forgave him. It
was a touching scene.
The patient was under the influence of Gas for more than twenty-
five minutes, and on waking he was understood to exclaim “ Sham-
poo ! ” whereupon, a young assistant, with more zeal than discretion,
at once wheeled him to the basin, and put his head under the tap.
This quickly restored him to more than his ordinary self, and, start-
ing up, he explained that he had asked for “ Champagne,” and not
“ Shampoo.” The mistake was easily rectified with a draught on
Pommery & Co. tres sec et bienfrappe.
Latest Bulletin.—Progressing favourably. Hair growing again.
QUOTATION ADAPTED TO INDIFFERENT SERVICE AT AN
OVERCROW'D ED SUPPER.
Waiter! Waiter! everywhere,
And not a drop to drink !
Ancient Mariner (■very dry).
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.