Punch (79.1880)

160

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 9, 1880.

NOTE 3 FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.

ll us City Walters
has our long Voca-
i tion the same as
/ other perfessional
people, and so
direcly August
comes, off I goes
to Margate, the
Cockney Parydice
as sumbody called
it, and here I am
for a few weaks,
hoping to pick up
a job or two now
and then as usual,
and in the society
of many of my
noble Patrons. I
never see Margate
so full of Masters
and Wardens and
Chairmen.

My Life here is
very plessent for
a time. I break-
_ _ fasts late and I
* dines early and
makes a good Tea,
and then just a
little bit of supper and off to bed. If the weather’s fine I takes my
bag of srimps and my City Press, and goes to the Jetty, or the
Sands, according to suckumstances, and whiles away a nidle our.

I never bathe in the Sea, it don’t seem quite consistent with my
persition. There’s a want of dignity in appearing almost nood in
public, that to me is simply intollerabble !

Perhaps the height of human injyment would be Manshun Ouse
Feeding with a Margate appetite. Here’s a Fillysoffick sayin’—
Them as has plenty to eat has no appytites, and them as has splendid
appytites hasn’t enough to eat. It reminds me of the remark as was
made by the Unfortnit Nubbleman now languishing &c. wich he
said about branes.

Feeling yesterday just the least bit in the world tired of setting
all day on the sands, eating srimps and listening to the Niggers, 1
went for a change on a little egskursion to Westgate. Just the place
I thought to spend a appy day. Well I have seen and heard of
strange places in my long and waried egsperience, but for reg’lar
quiet and sleepyness and lazyness, Westgate beats ’em oiler. Of
course I went and sat on the Beech, and, I hardly expex to be be-
leived when I say, there warn’t a single Nigger, nor a Minsterel,
nor no Brass Ban, not even a Organ! No, and hardly a donkey to
be seen, tho Brown says that when I was there the hobservashun
was soupufflus. I can’t make out what the People does to amuse
theirsels at Westgate. They seemed to be all a reeding or a chat-
ting or a larfing, and some on ’em was a setting and a staring at the
Sea and the Clouds and the Ships or some such rubbish, and yet
they all seemed quite appy and contented.

Ah, it’s the old storey' they ’re quite content because they don’t
know of nothink better. And yet within 2 or 3 miles of ’em there’s
all the joys of Margate reddy to their hands.

How the gratest blessings of life is waisted on some people, and
how thankful ort we to be who are able to apreshiate ’em all.

I went up to town and to Gildhall on Wensday to see the
Lord Mare elected. I wanted to see what sort of a Rite Honer-
able Gent we was to have next year. I was told he was to he a
Skotchman, and of course that made me rather ankshus. I don’t
much care for Skotchmen as a rule, they ’re sumtimes dreadful near
in small things, and its principally small things as affects grate
men. I know several of the Beeduls of the Gills, so I’d no difficulty
in getting in, and wen the Common Sergent told the Common Crier
to order every person as wasn’t a Liveryman to leave the All on pain
of imprisonment, I larfed like the rest on ’em. It was the fust
apearance of the new Sheriffs’ footmen’s Liverys, and they certinly
did look gorjus. Why they must ha’ had Gold Lace enuff upon ’em
to make a Feeld Marshell. Some one said that though the Sheriffs
bort their Servants Liverys, they only highered their lovely Car-
ridges. I don’t believe it. The Sheriff as highers his Carridge
lowers his Dignity!

Brown said he wa3 told this was to be the last time as a
Alderman was to he Lord Mare; for a Mr. Fjroth was a going to
pass a Act of Parlyment to make a Dook the next Lord Mare!

What rubbish! Why the Queen can make a Dook, and all that;
but she can’t make a Lord Mare. There’s about a score of Dooks,
I’m told, but only one Lord Mare.

How werry pertickler they are to have the Elekshun all straight.
Why they akshally turns out the Lord Mare and all the Aldermen
before the elekshun begins, for fear the Liverymen should be afraid
to do as they likes while they was a looking at ’em. But they kept
the oldest on ’em, Aldmn Mac Arthur, there; and sumboddy with
a very loud voice asked him a lot of questshuns, some on ’em such
preshus long ones, that I wundred how he could remember ’em.
But Brown told me it was all settled beforand; and the Alder-,
man knowed what he was going to be asked, and the man with th <
loud voice knowed what be was a going to answer. Lor, what a lot
of humbug there is in this Mortial World ! I’m told if the loud-
voiced Gent doesn’t ask any werry orkud questshun, he gits asked,
to dinner wunce or twice.

51 There was lots of Aldermen as wanted to be Lord Mare, and their
names was all put up on a bord, hut they don’t seem a wery poplar
set, for some on ’em couldn’t get a single hand held up for ’em. Why
if I was one on ’em and kep a shop or a warehouse, as they do, I
should send all my shopmen and my clerks to voat for me, it seems
so wery hard not to have a single voat. After the Sheriffs had told
us as Aldmun MacArthur was dewly elected, the Lord Mare and
the Aldermen, which, poor fellows, had been kep waiting outside, were
allowed to come in again and see what was going on. Then Sir
Henry Beak, who I spose is a Majistrate, asked us to do the rite
thing, and so we thanked the Lord Mare, and then we thanked the
Sheriffs, and then we thanked somebody else under the Sheriffs, and
said as how their never had been such a set afore, which would have
all been more satisfactory if I hadn’t rekkylektid that we said just
egsackly the same thing last year, and the year before, and the year
before that, and then they all returned thanks, just as if we wos at
dinner, and said as how it was the proudest day of their lives, but
all on ’em looked preshus sorry that their year of glory were over,
and went back to their varrus biznissis, without their grand robes
and chains, sadder and plainer, if not wiser men.

Well, Hornimenx is Hornimenx, but give me life without chains,

sez * (Signed) Robert.

THE MID-CHANNEL ROBBER.

(A Suggestion for a Nautical Sensation Drama.)

liIf a detective accompanied the tidal train, I think the robberies would
ceas^. .. . The public, I think, have a right to the Companies’ protection.”—
Correspondent to a Pally Paper.

ENE — ’ Tween - decks on
board the good steam-
ship “ Albert - Dover -
Victor-Calais." [Pale
Passengers discovered
feebly braving the ter-
rors of the Mighty
Deep. A storm raging.
Thunder, lightning and
rain.

Enter the Chief Steward
stealthily. He pauses,
opens a large note-book,
and is about to solilo-
quise when he is called
away by a Passenger.

Chief Steward (closing
note-book, and not un-
kindly). Yes, Sir ?

First Passenger
(faintly). I want to tell

you that-

Chief Steward (inter-
rupting). Good Sir, I know
your story ! ’Tis indeed a sad one! You. would say that the bag
you carried on board is gone. Yes—the little all—the produce of
hours, nay days, nay years of honest toil—has been taken from
you! Oh, shame upon the heartless wretch who robbed you!
He has not left you the tickets that otherwise ’twould have been
my duty to demand of ye ! Is ’t not so P

First Passenger (more faintly). Aye, indeed ! But I care not for
that (with an effort explaining himself ). Just at present I am in feeble
health, Steward, and would ask your help.

Chief Steward (heartily). And in good time, honest Sir, you shall
have it! I am here to protect ye—to succour ye ! Nay, no more—
1 am summoned by another, and must leave ye! Farewell, sweet
Sir, for a time fareweR ! Moves off.

Second Passenger (mostfaintly). Steward!