Punch (79.1880)

190

PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 23, 1880.

THE KURDS IN PERSIA.

Of course this has o-kurd to
everyone—at all events, we have
received a bushel of jokes on the
same subject, more or less ok-
kurdly expressed—namely, that,
according to latest advices, “ the
Persians are giving whey to the
Kurds.” Also, “ What is the
word of command for ‘ Halt! ’
among the Kurds?—Whey/”
‘ ‘ The Kurds ought to mend their
wheys,” is another favourite one.
We have also received two
hundred and fifty plays on the
words “whey” and “weigh”
appropriate to the same subject,
j “The Kurds,” writes another
esteemed correspondent, “are a
savage race; and all have con-
I kurd in hoping they ’ll be speedily
| corc-kurd.” No—no more to-day,
Baker — take them away — we
have only re-kurded the fact,
and so make our kurdsey, draw
the kurdin, and retire ac-kurd-
ingly, for what can’t he kurd,
&c., &c. Avaunt!

Our Own Patent.

New Invention to assist the
present Ballot-Box System, which
■ will record the vote and take a
portrait of the Yoter. Albums
of Yotographs will thus be kept
for reference—one for positives,
another for negatives. The Yoto-
graphic apparatus will reproduce
an exact fac-simile of the Ayes
and Noes of every Yoter.

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS-No, 4.

BARON HENRY DE WORMS
Bait for ’Bait ; or, the right Man in the right Place.

WHO’S GRIFFIN?

The Bronze Griffin which is to
surmount Temple Bar Memorial
was last Wednesday fixed in
position. The 2 P. M. Gazette
adds, “It has been executed by
Mr. C. Birch, A.R.A.” Exe-
cuted ! Serve it right. We saw
the scaffold, and the poor thing
was covered up—after the execu-
tion, of course. The Griffin is a
fabulous animal, and cost a fabu-
lous price. This is the first ap-
plication of Birch to a juvenile
offender. Alas ! poor Griffin !
[Since the above was in type,
our hoy has run round and in-
forms us that the Griffin is still
there. Impossible ! What! after
execution P It must be his
double!]

---

A Nod’s as Good as a "Wink.

City of London School. First i
stone laid last Thursday. Mr.
Waxford, Chairman of the Com-
mittee, stated that “the School
originated from the gift of John
Carpenter, Town Clerk of the
City about 1442.” Hallo! Sir
John, Town Clerk of 1880, here’s
a chance of immortalising your-
self now. Why not do likewise—
and then apply for another fifty
per cent, rise of salary, eh ? (No
commission on this suggestion.)

Appropriate Addition to the
City Arms. — A (Temple) Bar-
Sinister !

THE SOCIETY EOR THE EXTERMINATION OE
MUSIC AND DANCING.

This Society held its one hundred and thirtieth Annual Meeting
at the Sessions House, Clerkenwell, on October 14th and 15th, under
the presidency of Captain Morley, who was supported by Major
Lyon, Mr. Sharpe, and about fifty out of four hundred other Med-
dlevex Magistrates. The representatives of the four millions of
Londoners appeared with becoming humility before this August, or
rather October, assembly, and asked meekly for permission to occa-
sionally sing a song, or play upon the flute, or dance a dance, or
witness others dancing.

The Society, not being quite clear as to whether its powers applied
to. the public as dancers, or the public as witnesses of dancing,
wisely fenced with that part of the question, but expressed a strong
conviction that no person ought at one and the same time to indulge
in the luxury of music, dancing, and singing. Having all the police
inspectors from A to Z in one box before them, they took the oppor-
tunity of scolding these gentlemen for not watching and reporting
upon any infringement of this and similar rules. Being somewhat
irritated by their own remarks, they then took away a music and
dancing licence from a deaf old. gentleman that had been granted
probably for the last eighty years, and refused another licence
because certain technical “notices” had not been properly served
on churchwardens, overseers, clerks of peace, clerks of vestries,
clerks of petty sessions, houses, station-houses, cheesemongers,
trunk-makers, bill-stickers, and paper-hangers.

After granting a licence to Exeter Hall, without a word about its
notoriously dangerous exit, they raised a discussion about a trumpery
staircase at the Scapegoat Music Hall. Having swallowed such a
camel as the Polytechnic, where “ Stage-plays,” so called, are nearly
always being represented without authority, they strained at such
a gnat as a representation of African warfare at the other end of
Whitechapel, and patronisingly granted a licence for Music to the
Royal Academy of Music, whose Directors, by the way, if they only
knew it, are quite independent of this Society for the Extermination
of Public Amusements. One member of the Society thought that it
would be better if all persons could be sent to bed at nine o’clock,
but he did not press his conviction; and another member insisted
that the refined and refining Soldier should he admitted without

scruple to every entertainment. This last idea was received with
great enthusiasm ; hut no suggestion was made as to who was to pay
for the Soldier. The Press were ordered to take notice of the idea,
and we obey the order.

After a fruitless attempt to get the Royal Aquarium into hot
water, and to prove that the only thing fishy about it is its manage-
ment, the Directors were given another year’s grace; but the
Town Hall of Shoreditch was warned that it had committed a
crime by allowing the Stabat Mater to be played on an Ash Wed-
nesday. When it was pointed out that the Meddlevex Magistrates
had no power to bar such a performance, or any performance, on
that particular day, Mr. Sharpe, who is as sharp as vinegar,
seemed to indicate that the will of the Magistrates was above all
law—

You mustn’t do sich
Near the bells of Shoreditch,

though you may do it at the Albert Hall, and on the Surrey side of
the water.

After a few dozen music licences had been granted to “coffee
palaces ”—the new pets of the professional philanthropists—a licence
was refused to the Trocadero Cafe, and a chance lost of partly
clearing the top of the Gaymarket. Such is the difference between
coffee and cafe. Evans’s was once more restored to life after a
year’s trance, but the owner was not to have the privilege ac-
corded to the late Paddy Green of entertaining duchesses unawares.
It is now to be a strictly monastic institution.

Having inflicted as much inconvenience as possible on the public,
the Meddlevex Magistrates adjourned for a year. The beauty of
this Licensing System is that if any wrong is done, it cannot be
remedied for a twelvemonth. On the other hand, if any licensee
abuses his licence, he cannot be punished for a twelvemonth. The
Act of Parliament (25 Geo. II. cap. 36), having been passed about
1750, is admirably suited, of course, to the wants of 1880.

Will these Meddlevex Magistrates meet again next October ? Un-
questionably. Will it take twenty years’ agitation, a riot, and the
march of one hundred thousand men to Westminster to get rid of this
society, and put our Licensing System on a sound and sensible foot-
ing ? Probably. The ancient Assyrians worshipped the Bull, and
other nations have adored a variety of animals. In England we
worship the J ackass.