Punch (103.1892)

July 9, 1892 ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE LAST TRAIN.

It will fade from mortal vision,
So the fashion-plates ordain;

Worthy subject of derision,
Not the mail, but female,
train!

It has goaded men to mutter
Words unhappily profane,

Trailed in ball-room or in
gutter, [train.
Whether cheap or first-class

Far and wide, on floor and
paving, [swain;

Spread the dress to catch the
Sometimes long—in distance
waving;
Sometimes wide—a " broad-
gauge train."

It has dragged a long existence
Through the dust, the mud,
the rain,
Great is feminine persistence,
She would never lose the
train.

Booby - trap3 were beaten
hollow,
Hapless man stepped back in
vain, [follow
Knowing what a trip would
If he only caught the train !

Oh, the anguish that it gave us,
Quite unnecessary pain!

Worth?> not Westinghouse,
will save us,
And at last will stop the train!

Mrs. R., hearing her Nephew
say that he had been discussing
some "Two-year-old Stakes"
with a friend, observed that
she was afraid they must have
been dreadfully tough, adding,
after consideration, '' Perhaps
they were frozen meat."

AN EXCITING TIME.

Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone

WITH A dangerous lunatic.'/ (It was ONLY LITTLE WOBBLES RUNNING ANXIOUSLY OVER THE POINTS
of HIS COMING SPEECH to THE ELECTORS of PlUMPWELL-ON-TyME ! I )

THE CANDIDATE'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.

(In Answer to a Sweep asking for a F. 0. Clerkship.)

My Dear Mr.-,

Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for
your interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office. The fact that
he has a distaste for the profession to which you belong would be no
disqualification. I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better
than diplomacy. However, if he won't help you it can't be helped.
I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of
your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better
position then than now to assist you, Yours sincerely,

Sopht Sawder.
(In Answer to a Letter about meeting a Duchess,)

My Dear Madam,

Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance.
As you say, Her Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they
are not equal to her dinners. I shall be only too pleased if I can
bring about a meeting with the Duchess.

1 am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport
of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a
better position then than now to assist you.

Yours sincerely, Sopht Sawder.

(In Answer to all Letters generally.)

My Dear-,

Of course I shall be only too delighted to help you in any
way in my power. You may always command me—only too pleased,
only too overjoyed. But the fact is, I am just now exceptionally
busy. Please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election.
Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to
assist you. Yours sincerely, Sopht Sawder.

(Common Form Reply to Answers to the above.)

Mr. Sopht Sawder, M.P., presents his compliments to-, and

begs to say that he has no recollection of having promised anything.
Mr. S. S. regrets to say that he has no time for an interview.

PRICKLE-ME-UPS.

Sir,—I am delighted to observe that some Constant Contributors
(to other papers, not yours, Sir) are making dietetic experiments on
Nettles. Perhaps you would allow me to mention that Groundsel
Salad is a delicious dish, when you get used to it, and that a Puree
of Chickweed rarely fails to create delighted astonishment at a
crowded dinner - table. Bramble Pie is another excellent recipe
straight from Dame Nature's Cookery Book. With great care, it is
possible to cook Thistles in such a way as to make them taste just
like Artichokes. My family often has these and similar delicacies at
their mid-day meal, when I am away in the City.

Yours truly, Lover of Economy.

Sir,—I saw that letter about eating Nettles. Of course it's all
rot (if you will excuse the expression), but I thought it would be
fun to try the nettle diet on my Uncle James, who never gives me a
tip when I go to visit him. although my Mother says he 's as rich as
Creesers, though I don't know who they are. So I got one or two
good stinging ones (I knew they were stingers, because I tried them
on Cook first) and cut off little bits and put them in Uncle James's
sandwiches, which he always has for lunch. It was awful larks to
watch him eat them. I thought he'd have a fit. Then I said good-
bye, and I haven't been near him since. But I got Cook to take him
in a dock-leaf from me, and I hope he ate it after the sandwiches.
I thought it might do him good. I'm going to try nettle sandwiches
on a boy I know at school, who's a beast. 1 expect it will give him
nettle-rash. No more now from Yours respectfully, Tommy.

Sir,—I frequently recommend patients suffering from advanced
atrophy to try Nettle Broth. I must say that I am myself nettled,
when they reply that they prefer the advanced atrophy. A good
counter-irritant in cases of blood-poisoning is a stout holly leaf, eaten
raw. In serious cases of collapse, if a patient can be got to consume
a cactus or a prickly pear, the stimulative effect is really surprising.
In the absence of these products of the vegetable kingdom, a hedge-
stake, taken directly after a meal, will do equally well.

Yours professionally, Soluble Salt, F.R.C.P.