DOI issue:
September 10, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0114
September 10, 1892.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
WHY I DON'T WHITE
PLAYS.
{From the Common-place Booh
of a Novelist.)
Because it is so much
pleasanter to read one's work
than to hear it on the Stage.
Because Publishers are
far more amiable to deal
with than Actor-Managers.
Because " behind the
scenes" is such a disap-
pointing place—except in
Novels.
Because why waste three
weeks on writing a Play,
when it takes only three
years to compose a Novel ?
Because Critics who send
articles to Magazines in-
viting one to contribute to
the Stage, have no right to
dictate to us.
Because a fairly successful
Novel means five hundred
pounds, and a fairly success-
ful Play yields as many
thousands — why be influ-
enced by mercenary motives ?
Because all Novelists hire
their pens in advance for
years, and have no time left
for outside labour.
And last, and (perhaps) not
least, Why don't I send in
a Play ? Because I have
tried to write one, and find
I can't quite manage it!
According™ to recent ac-
counts, the attitude of the
Salvation Army in Canada
may be fairly described as
44 Revolting."
EQUIVOCAL.
Rising Young Physician {who cured so many Patients in last year's Epidemic).
"Not much chance of more Influenza in England this Winter, I fancy 1"
His Wife. "Let us hope for the best, Dearest I"
A DIARY OF THE DEAD
SEASON.
{Suggested by the Contents
Bills.)
Monday.—First appear-
ance of "the Epidemic." Good
bold line with reference to
Russia. Not of sufficient
importance to head the Bill,
but still distinctly taking.
'Tuesday.—Quite a fea-
ture. Centre of the Bill with
sub-lines of "Horrible Dis-
closures," and "Painful
Scenes." Becoming a boom.
To be further developed to-
morrow.
Wednesday.—Bill all
"Epidemic." Even Cricket
sacrificed to make room for
it. "News from Abroad."
" Horrors at Hamburg." No
idea it would turn out so
well. A perfect treasure-
trove at this quiet season of
the year !
Thursday.—Nothing but
" Epidemic "—" Arrival in
England" — "Precautions
Everywhere." Let_ the
boom go! It feeds itself!
Nearly as good as a foreign
war !
Friday— Still "the Epi-
demic," but requires
strengthening. "Spreading
in the Provinces," but still,
not like it was. Falling
fiat.
Saturday.—A good sensa-
tional Murder! The very
thing for the Contents Bills.
Exit " the Epidemic," until
again wanted.
SONGS OF SOCIETY;
I. —INTRODUCTORY. TO MY LYRE.
[" Smoothly written vers de Societe, where a
boudoir decorum is, or ought always to he, pre-
served ; where sentiment never surges into passion,
and where humour never overflows into boisterous
merriment."—Frederick Locker sPreface to "Lyra
ElegantiarvmJ"~\
Dear Lyre, your duty now you know!
If one would sing with grace and glow
Songs of Society,
One must not dream of fire, or length,
Or vivid touch, or virile strength,
Or great variety.
Among the Muses of Mayfair
A Bacchanal with unbound hair,
And loosened girdle,
Would be as purely out of place
As Atalanta in a race
O'er hedge or hurdle :
Our Muse, dear Lyra, must be trim,
Must not indulge in vagrant whim,
Of voice or vesture.
Boudoir decorum will allow
No gleaming eye, no glowing brow,
No ardent gesture.
Society, which is our theme,
Is like a well-conducted stream
. Which calmly ripples.
We sing the World where no one feels
Too pungently, or hates, or steals,
Or loves, or tipples.
And should you hint that down below
The subtle siren all men know
Is hiding her face,
Our answer is : " That may be true,
But boudoir bards have nought to do
Save with the surface."
Some luxuries yet are left to sing,
The Opera-Box, the Row, the Ring,
And Golf, and Coaching.
Not e'en the Socialistic scare
The dandyish and the debonair
Has quite demolished;
Whilst Privilege hath still a purse,
There's yet a chance for flowing verse,
And periods polished.
If Ibsen, Bellamy, and George,
Raise not the boudoir critic's gorge
Beyond all bearing,
Light lyrics may she not endure,
On social ills above her cure,
Below her caring ?
Muse, with Society we may toy
Without impassioned grief or joy,
Or boisterous merriment;
May sing of Sorrow Avith a smile ;
At least, it may be worth our while
To try the experiment.
And therefore, though Society feel
The Proletariat's heavy heel
Its kibe approaching,
Quite the Treble Gloucester Cheese !
—The Three Quires' Festival this week. Do
the Three Quires appear in the Cathedral ?
If so, as each quire means twenty-four sheets,
there'II be quite a "Surplice Stock."
Contribution by Our Own " Muley
Hassan."—Puzzle—To find "three Single
Gentlemen rolled into one?" Answer—Sir
Euan Smith. Explanation—Sir, You. an'
Smith. [Exit Muley Hassan going to Bray,
Why ought a Quack's attendance on a
patient to be gratis ?—Because he is No-Fee-
sician.
vol. ciii.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
WHY I DON'T WHITE
PLAYS.
{From the Common-place Booh
of a Novelist.)
Because it is so much
pleasanter to read one's work
than to hear it on the Stage.
Because Publishers are
far more amiable to deal
with than Actor-Managers.
Because " behind the
scenes" is such a disap-
pointing place—except in
Novels.
Because why waste three
weeks on writing a Play,
when it takes only three
years to compose a Novel ?
Because Critics who send
articles to Magazines in-
viting one to contribute to
the Stage, have no right to
dictate to us.
Because a fairly successful
Novel means five hundred
pounds, and a fairly success-
ful Play yields as many
thousands — why be influ-
enced by mercenary motives ?
Because all Novelists hire
their pens in advance for
years, and have no time left
for outside labour.
And last, and (perhaps) not
least, Why don't I send in
a Play ? Because I have
tried to write one, and find
I can't quite manage it!
According™ to recent ac-
counts, the attitude of the
Salvation Army in Canada
may be fairly described as
44 Revolting."
EQUIVOCAL.
Rising Young Physician {who cured so many Patients in last year's Epidemic).
"Not much chance of more Influenza in England this Winter, I fancy 1"
His Wife. "Let us hope for the best, Dearest I"
A DIARY OF THE DEAD
SEASON.
{Suggested by the Contents
Bills.)
Monday.—First appear-
ance of "the Epidemic." Good
bold line with reference to
Russia. Not of sufficient
importance to head the Bill,
but still distinctly taking.
'Tuesday.—Quite a fea-
ture. Centre of the Bill with
sub-lines of "Horrible Dis-
closures," and "Painful
Scenes." Becoming a boom.
To be further developed to-
morrow.
Wednesday.—Bill all
"Epidemic." Even Cricket
sacrificed to make room for
it. "News from Abroad."
" Horrors at Hamburg." No
idea it would turn out so
well. A perfect treasure-
trove at this quiet season of
the year !
Thursday.—Nothing but
" Epidemic "—" Arrival in
England" — "Precautions
Everywhere." Let_ the
boom go! It feeds itself!
Nearly as good as a foreign
war !
Friday— Still "the Epi-
demic," but requires
strengthening. "Spreading
in the Provinces," but still,
not like it was. Falling
fiat.
Saturday.—A good sensa-
tional Murder! The very
thing for the Contents Bills.
Exit " the Epidemic," until
again wanted.
SONGS OF SOCIETY;
I. —INTRODUCTORY. TO MY LYRE.
[" Smoothly written vers de Societe, where a
boudoir decorum is, or ought always to he, pre-
served ; where sentiment never surges into passion,
and where humour never overflows into boisterous
merriment."—Frederick Locker sPreface to "Lyra
ElegantiarvmJ"~\
Dear Lyre, your duty now you know!
If one would sing with grace and glow
Songs of Society,
One must not dream of fire, or length,
Or vivid touch, or virile strength,
Or great variety.
Among the Muses of Mayfair
A Bacchanal with unbound hair,
And loosened girdle,
Would be as purely out of place
As Atalanta in a race
O'er hedge or hurdle :
Our Muse, dear Lyra, must be trim,
Must not indulge in vagrant whim,
Of voice or vesture.
Boudoir decorum will allow
No gleaming eye, no glowing brow,
No ardent gesture.
Society, which is our theme,
Is like a well-conducted stream
. Which calmly ripples.
We sing the World where no one feels
Too pungently, or hates, or steals,
Or loves, or tipples.
And should you hint that down below
The subtle siren all men know
Is hiding her face,
Our answer is : " That may be true,
But boudoir bards have nought to do
Save with the surface."
Some luxuries yet are left to sing,
The Opera-Box, the Row, the Ring,
And Golf, and Coaching.
Not e'en the Socialistic scare
The dandyish and the debonair
Has quite demolished;
Whilst Privilege hath still a purse,
There's yet a chance for flowing verse,
And periods polished.
If Ibsen, Bellamy, and George,
Raise not the boudoir critic's gorge
Beyond all bearing,
Light lyrics may she not endure,
On social ills above her cure,
Below her caring ?
Muse, with Society we may toy
Without impassioned grief or joy,
Or boisterous merriment;
May sing of Sorrow Avith a smile ;
At least, it may be worth our while
To try the experiment.
And therefore, though Society feel
The Proletariat's heavy heel
Its kibe approaching,
Quite the Treble Gloucester Cheese !
—The Three Quires' Festival this week. Do
the Three Quires appear in the Cathedral ?
If so, as each quire means twenty-four sheets,
there'II be quite a "Surplice Stock."
Contribution by Our Own " Muley
Hassan."—Puzzle—To find "three Single
Gentlemen rolled into one?" Answer—Sir
Euan Smith. Explanation—Sir, You. an'
Smith. [Exit Muley Hassan going to Bray,
Why ought a Quack's attendance on a
patient to be gratis ?—Because he is No-Fee-
sician.
vol. ciii.