Punch (103.1892)

August 20, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

75

ELECTION AGONIES.

(By a Re-elected M.P.)

Yes, there I stood beside my wife,
And called it—whilst the mob cheered
wildly—

"The proudest moment of my life,"
"Which it was not, to put it mildly.

Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their
caps,

To see their Member safely seated;
Who in his inmost soul, perhaps,
Had almost wished himself defeated.

The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T.,

Has fairy visions of a handle
To grape the name she shares with me ;

But is the game quite worth the candle ?

Six years of unremitting work,
Of flower-shows, bazaars, and speeches,

Of sturdy mendicants who lurk
In wait to act as sturdy leeches.

The faddists—Anti-This-and-That—
Blue-spectacled " One Vote, One Person "—

Extract a promise, prompt and pat,
The while their heads you hurl a curse on.

And in return ? The dull debate,
The dreary unimportant question,

The pressure of aifairs of State,
A muddled brain, a lost digestion.

Six years of it. I cannot stand

At any cost another bout of it;
But, given away on every hand,

I don't quite see how to get out of it.

Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,

And so 'mid general adulation,
I '11 rescue some poor party waif

By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.

The world will quickly roar applause,
Of martyrs I shall be the latest;

But I'm the party and the cause
To whom the service will be greatest!

Song op Gratitude (by a Nervous Eques-
trian on the exceptional absence of ''Arry-
cyclisls or " Wheelmen'''' from the road to
Wimbledon).—

" Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you ?
Oh no, no, No ! "

A MATTER OF "COURSE."

Eminent German Specialist. "Vat Vaters 'ave You been in ze 'abit of taking?"
English Gouty Patient. "Water! Haven't torched a drop, except with my Tea,

for the last thirty years ! "

[Upon which a mild course of Ilomburg, Kissengen, Marienbad, and Karlsbad is at once
prescribed.

HOW INSULTAN'!

British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, London.

"No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of
Privy Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my house,
and smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain that Sultan
is at bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous to him?

Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, Timbuctoo.

Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not
to notice stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo with
British Force. If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather think Tim-
buctoo was discovered by an Irishman, and called after him, Tim
Bucktoo. Eh ?

British Envoy to Foreign Minister.

Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say aspect of
affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about the stone-
throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord Chamberlain,
heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under my own apartment.
Gratifying. Treaty on point of being signed.

Foreign Mimster to British Envoy.

Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! Prance,
not unnaturally, seems rather galled. See ioke ? Play on word
"Gaul."

British Envoy to Foreign Minister.
Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more of
'em. Treaty settled ! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all British
subjects trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. Draft,

with Sultan's signature, returned to him to be properly copied out.
Mere formality. Packing up, and off to Coast to-night, j

Same to Same,

Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that on
examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little word "not"
in every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What shall I do ?

Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy.
Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office. General
Election has taken place. Whole subject will be reconsidered, with
quite new lights, before long. Off for a holiday just now, and can't
attend to it. You'll hear from me again in about six months.
Meanwhile, your motto must be—" Fez-tina lente!" Last joke.
Brilliant. Just going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S—Great
success.

Reef-lection.—Delivering judgment in the case of Osborne v.
Aaron's Reef, Limited, Mr. Justice Ciiittt, in the interests of the
public, was justly severe on both plaintiff and defendants, declining

to give any costs in this action to such a Company." Everyone is
familiar with the nautical expression of " taking in a reef," which
seems to have been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to per-
form with Aaron's Reef, which, after the manner of Aaron's Rod,
when it was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty
of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers, if
consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular ditty
" Keep your Aarons," but would have recommended them, being in,
to be out again in double-quick time, if there were any chance of an
immediate though small ready-money profit to be made, before one
could have said " Scissors ! "