DOI Heft:
August 20, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0083
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 20, 1892.
INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.
Count Peter von Strubel (just arrived in England, in time for Her Grace's Concert), Ach ! Totchess ! How is it zat in Enkland
your Lathes are zoh Peaudiful, and your Chendlemen zoh Ockly?"
Her Grace. "To-night nearly all the Ladies are English, Count, and the Gentlemen are mostly Foreign, as it
happens ! "
BEADING THE STARS A LA MODE.
understand it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe
something like " Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay." Interesting. Popular
/E, , , , ., ,r, ; 7 f fy a . 4i v } k song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the
(Extract from the Note-book of the Secretary o the Earth ami Mars Snlfr SvsW fUriof. oW™ n,or« ffc* nU™t i« nlf for mother
Intercommunication Company, Limited.)
August 10, 1899.—Open this book just to jot down briefly the
results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living in
Solar System. Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another
seven years.
August 10, 1920.—"We ought to do something this time. Improved
telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear
the adjacent planet. _ Get a better notion by this means of what we j the Marsians talking. Great advance, too, in through-space
are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as an hurling machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter,
heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last! and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian
nearest Mars (only at a_ distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), I policeman on the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the
we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to assault, but, on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook
us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our ' his fist at the Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-
new telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we snooting. They then began to watch our signals. They were just
made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. '
On more careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in
a state of eruption. "White hat evidently the smoke. Could dis-
tinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went
off for another seven years' cruise.
August 10, 190C.—Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my
predecessor, the transactions of the Company, By the way, my new
berth is a very pleasant one. Have [nothing to do except every
seven years, when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This
time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the
one of seven years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten
miles' distance. Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class
hotel on one of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper,
which by the way (like everything else on the planet), is red.
Distinctly made out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention.
Stupid donkey ! Have to wait for another seven years.
August 10, 1913.—Again ready. Better telescope than one in use
seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers.
They are written in same language as our own. Nothing in them
worth quoting. Evidently " silly season " over there as well as here.
Account of the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets,
but the inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them.
They have arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can
about to reply when we started off for another seven years.
August 10, 1927.—I take up my predecessor's book to continue
these observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants
of the neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the
look out for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled " How
are you ? " But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem
to be signalling, but not inour direction. "We have just tried another
message, " Good morning ; do you use soap ? " Ah, this has woke them
up! They do understand us. They have replied, 41 Don't be rude."
We are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet
Mars, we believe ? " This has elicited no response. Strange! "We
have begged for a reply, and it has just come. Here it is:—" Don't
bother; can't attend to you just now. We are talking with the
planet Jupiter." Time up ! Off for another seven years !
August 10, 1934.—Just one line to add to the other communications
of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication
Company, Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus,
Mars, and North Saturn Aerial Railway Company. During the
present near approach of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric
air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital
of Mars. The excursion will be personally conducted by Baron
Cook of Ludgate Circus. Return tickets, Second Class, £1,000;
First Class (with hotel coupons), Half an ounce of coal.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 20, 1892.
INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.
Count Peter von Strubel (just arrived in England, in time for Her Grace's Concert), Ach ! Totchess ! How is it zat in Enkland
your Lathes are zoh Peaudiful, and your Chendlemen zoh Ockly?"
Her Grace. "To-night nearly all the Ladies are English, Count, and the Gentlemen are mostly Foreign, as it
happens ! "
BEADING THE STARS A LA MODE.
understand it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe
something like " Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay." Interesting. Popular
/E, , , , ., ,r, ; 7 f fy a . 4i v } k song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the
(Extract from the Note-book of the Secretary o the Earth ami Mars Snlfr SvsW fUriof. oW™ n,or« ffc* nU™t i« nlf for mother
Intercommunication Company, Limited.)
August 10, 1899.—Open this book just to jot down briefly the
results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living in
Solar System. Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another
seven years.
August 10, 1920.—"We ought to do something this time. Improved
telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear
the adjacent planet. _ Get a better notion by this means of what we j the Marsians talking. Great advance, too, in through-space
are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as an hurling machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter,
heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last! and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian
nearest Mars (only at a_ distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), I policeman on the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the
we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to assault, but, on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook
us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our ' his fist at the Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-
new telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we snooting. They then began to watch our signals. They were just
made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. '
On more careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in
a state of eruption. "White hat evidently the smoke. Could dis-
tinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went
off for another seven years' cruise.
August 10, 190C.—Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my
predecessor, the transactions of the Company, By the way, my new
berth is a very pleasant one. Have [nothing to do except every
seven years, when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This
time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the
one of seven years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten
miles' distance. Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class
hotel on one of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper,
which by the way (like everything else on the planet), is red.
Distinctly made out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention.
Stupid donkey ! Have to wait for another seven years.
August 10, 1913.—Again ready. Better telescope than one in use
seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers.
They are written in same language as our own. Nothing in them
worth quoting. Evidently " silly season " over there as well as here.
Account of the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets,
but the inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them.
They have arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can
about to reply when we started off for another seven years.
August 10, 1927.—I take up my predecessor's book to continue
these observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants
of the neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the
look out for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled " How
are you ? " But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem
to be signalling, but not inour direction. "We have just tried another
message, " Good morning ; do you use soap ? " Ah, this has woke them
up! They do understand us. They have replied, 41 Don't be rude."
We are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet
Mars, we believe ? " This has elicited no response. Strange! "We
have begged for a reply, and it has just come. Here it is:—" Don't
bother; can't attend to you just now. We are talking with the
planet Jupiter." Time up ! Off for another seven years !
August 10, 1934.—Just one line to add to the other communications
of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication
Company, Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus,
Mars, and North Saturn Aerial Railway Company. During the
present near approach of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric
air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital
of Mars. The excursion will be personally conducted by Baron
Cook of Ludgate Circus. Return tickets, Second Class, £1,000;
First Class (with hotel coupons), Half an ounce of coal.