DOI issue:
August 20, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0086
August 20, 1892.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.
{Supplementary and Imaginary Despatch not yet
received at the Foreign Office.)
It will be remembered that I had the honour
to report that amongst my suite I had the plea-
sure to be accompanied by Herr Von Popoff,
the celebrated Germano-Russian prestidigita-
hand, he placed them in the turban he had
previously used for manufacturing his pound-
cake, and once more repeated his magic
formula.
To the general surprise (and I must not
omit my own individuality from the universal
astonishment) he produced a new Treaty,
which I then had the honour of handing to
INFRA DIG.
Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find
One Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,
One class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo !
England rejoice aloud, for thou hast two.
Sweet are the uses of—Advertisement,
To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-
cent.
The Mart, the Forum, and—alas!—the Fane.
Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;
The leaded column and the poster smart
Seduce the Histrio ; e'en the thrall of Art
Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,
That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.
The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe
Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.
But there be those share not the general
taint;
The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned
Saint.
Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade
That would confuse Professions with mere
Trade.
No, briefs and bills of costs may loom too big,
of the Draft Treaty __I_\_'_'__ Harpagon hide be-
neath a horsehair
wig, _
Sangrado thrive on
flattery and shrewd
knack.
And Dulcamara, safe
in silence, quack;
But—chortle, _ oh ye
good, rejoice, ye
wise I—
Physic and Law will
never—Advertise !
teur. When I received a despatch from the the Sultan for signature.
Foreign Office informing me that I was pre- ! The Treaty (which was subsequently dis-
mature in destroying the Draft Treaty, ! covered to contain several important conces-
although that Draft Treaty contained provi- j sions to the country I have the honour to
sions that were entirely different to those ; represent) was then signed, and the pres-
which the Sultan had already at the time ! tidigitateur and I retired loaded with
accepted and promised to sign, I made up my honours.
mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with j I have, in conclusion, to beg permission
a view to setting things right. I considered j to wear the Sheriffian Order of the Diamond-
it advisable to be accompanied by Herr Von eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star
Popoff, as I counted upon that eminent con- j of j the Emerald Life-sized White Elephant
juror's valuable aid to assist me in carrying of the Double First-Class has already been
out what I venture to submit, was my! accepted by Herr Von Popoff, as that
praiseworthy object. \ gentleman, being a foreign subject, has no
When we reached the room the Sultan was : need to desire official authorisation to use
occupying, we found His Sheriffian Majesty his recently-acquired and extremely bulky
regarding with" some indignation, the remains ; decoration.
that had been brought
back to him by the
messengers the Sultan
had sent to me.
His Majesty was
very angry, and had
given orders for the
immediate execution
of Herr Von Popoff
and myself, when my
talented assistant
gently placed his
hand upon the head
of the swarthy and
irate Sovereign, and
by a clever pass pro-
duced an egg. This
amused and amazed
the Sultan immensely,
and his Sheriffian
Majesty desired that
the feat should be re-
peated. This request
received immediate
practical acquies-
cence as the wonder-
worker deliberately
extracted eggs from
the Sultan's arms,
legs,_ and whiskers.
Having obtained some
dozen eggs by this means, Herr Von Popoff
borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister,
and breaking the eggs into _ his improvised
saucepan, mixed the mess into a compact
mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly
lent for the occasion by the Commander-in-
Chief.#
''High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" ex-
claimed the Wizard, and in a trice, the eggs
had disappeared, and in their place appeared
a pound-cake. I have the honour to report
that the cake was then cut into small portions
and passed round for consumption. His
Sheriffian Majesty was good enough to par-
take of the rather stale comestible. The
remainder of the cake was devoured by the
suite.
By this time the Sultan was in great good
humour, when unfortunately his eyes fell
upon the remains of the destroyed Draft
Treaty which were still lying unheeded on
the palace floor. Seeing them his Sheriffian
Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for
the Lord High Executioner.
It was at this crisis that Herr Von Popoff
showed great presence of mind and absolute
coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he
requested that the fragments of paper might
be given to him. Taking them in his right
"GROUSE DRIVING."
This is what she Imagined it to be in her Dream of the 12th of August.
MEMORABLE.
Sir,—So many punning Epitaphs have re-
cently appeared in the Times d propos of
"Bob Lowe," that I am sure you will now
allow me to produce and publish what was
rejected by your Editor, long before the de-
cease of the above-mentioned eminent States-
man. I thought it, and still think it,
uncommonly good ; but the then Editor said,
"No—it is unseemly to joke about the de-
cease of a living celebrity." Now on the
good old maxim of " Nil nisi bonum" I beg
you will produce this, as I'm sure it is, and
always was, uncommonly bonum, and like good
wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is :—
On the Late B. L.
Bob ! has he gone above the sky ?
We hope that it is so.
Yet when above, however high,
He '11 always be B.-Lowe.
I've seen nothing to equal this; at least,
being a judge of such things, I may safely say
so, adding numbly, " A poor thing, but mine
own." Yours, L. S. Peit D'Escalier.
_ Accidental Joke.—When does an explo-
sion do no harm ? When a husband blows
his wife up—and she deserves it.
"The Pariah."—
In the latest copy to
hand of that wonder-
ful penn'orth of gos-
sip and information,
Sala's Journal, Vol.
I. No. 16, and in the
very first line of the
light and leading
article, our "O.A.S."
asks "Is Woman a
Pariah?" Of course
she is not, we reply,
not even if she be the
very masculinest of
females. Some, if
~ they are " Riahs " at
all, are " Ma-riahs." " Riah," it may be re-
membered, is the abbreviated form of the
name as in the once popular Coster's song of
" What cheer Riah f" Whether spelt with
or without an " h" is of no consequence, the
Coster not being particular.
TO Dr. LOFIS ROBINSON.
( Who said at the British Association that a Baby
was an animal as interesting as any which had
been brought ^rom the idtcrmost parts of the
Earth.)
Quite right, Dr. Robinson, perfectly right,
No longer the need to repair to the Zoo;
No longer we '11 see with increasing delight
The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kan-
garoo.
But the " animal's interest" shall charm us
instead,
Though it's scarcely a charm you 've dis-
covered,—at least
There 's many a father who's pointedly said,
That his int'resting Babe was a "mere
little beast!"
Seasonable but Unfair.—When you have
to pay heavily for light refreshments.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.
{Supplementary and Imaginary Despatch not yet
received at the Foreign Office.)
It will be remembered that I had the honour
to report that amongst my suite I had the plea-
sure to be accompanied by Herr Von Popoff,
the celebrated Germano-Russian prestidigita-
hand, he placed them in the turban he had
previously used for manufacturing his pound-
cake, and once more repeated his magic
formula.
To the general surprise (and I must not
omit my own individuality from the universal
astonishment) he produced a new Treaty,
which I then had the honour of handing to
INFRA DIG.
Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find
One Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,
One class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo !
England rejoice aloud, for thou hast two.
Sweet are the uses of—Advertisement,
To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-
cent.
The Mart, the Forum, and—alas!—the Fane.
Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;
The leaded column and the poster smart
Seduce the Histrio ; e'en the thrall of Art
Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,
That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.
The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe
Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.
But there be those share not the general
taint;
The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned
Saint.
Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade
That would confuse Professions with mere
Trade.
No, briefs and bills of costs may loom too big,
of the Draft Treaty __I_\_'_'__ Harpagon hide be-
neath a horsehair
wig, _
Sangrado thrive on
flattery and shrewd
knack.
And Dulcamara, safe
in silence, quack;
But—chortle, _ oh ye
good, rejoice, ye
wise I—
Physic and Law will
never—Advertise !
teur. When I received a despatch from the the Sultan for signature.
Foreign Office informing me that I was pre- ! The Treaty (which was subsequently dis-
mature in destroying the Draft Treaty, ! covered to contain several important conces-
although that Draft Treaty contained provi- j sions to the country I have the honour to
sions that were entirely different to those ; represent) was then signed, and the pres-
which the Sultan had already at the time ! tidigitateur and I retired loaded with
accepted and promised to sign, I made up my honours.
mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with j I have, in conclusion, to beg permission
a view to setting things right. I considered j to wear the Sheriffian Order of the Diamond-
it advisable to be accompanied by Herr Von eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star
Popoff, as I counted upon that eminent con- j of j the Emerald Life-sized White Elephant
juror's valuable aid to assist me in carrying of the Double First-Class has already been
out what I venture to submit, was my! accepted by Herr Von Popoff, as that
praiseworthy object. \ gentleman, being a foreign subject, has no
When we reached the room the Sultan was : need to desire official authorisation to use
occupying, we found His Sheriffian Majesty his recently-acquired and extremely bulky
regarding with" some indignation, the remains ; decoration.
that had been brought
back to him by the
messengers the Sultan
had sent to me.
His Majesty was
very angry, and had
given orders for the
immediate execution
of Herr Von Popoff
and myself, when my
talented assistant
gently placed his
hand upon the head
of the swarthy and
irate Sovereign, and
by a clever pass pro-
duced an egg. This
amused and amazed
the Sultan immensely,
and his Sheriffian
Majesty desired that
the feat should be re-
peated. This request
received immediate
practical acquies-
cence as the wonder-
worker deliberately
extracted eggs from
the Sultan's arms,
legs,_ and whiskers.
Having obtained some
dozen eggs by this means, Herr Von Popoff
borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister,
and breaking the eggs into _ his improvised
saucepan, mixed the mess into a compact
mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly
lent for the occasion by the Commander-in-
Chief.#
''High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" ex-
claimed the Wizard, and in a trice, the eggs
had disappeared, and in their place appeared
a pound-cake. I have the honour to report
that the cake was then cut into small portions
and passed round for consumption. His
Sheriffian Majesty was good enough to par-
take of the rather stale comestible. The
remainder of the cake was devoured by the
suite.
By this time the Sultan was in great good
humour, when unfortunately his eyes fell
upon the remains of the destroyed Draft
Treaty which were still lying unheeded on
the palace floor. Seeing them his Sheriffian
Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for
the Lord High Executioner.
It was at this crisis that Herr Von Popoff
showed great presence of mind and absolute
coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he
requested that the fragments of paper might
be given to him. Taking them in his right
"GROUSE DRIVING."
This is what she Imagined it to be in her Dream of the 12th of August.
MEMORABLE.
Sir,—So many punning Epitaphs have re-
cently appeared in the Times d propos of
"Bob Lowe," that I am sure you will now
allow me to produce and publish what was
rejected by your Editor, long before the de-
cease of the above-mentioned eminent States-
man. I thought it, and still think it,
uncommonly good ; but the then Editor said,
"No—it is unseemly to joke about the de-
cease of a living celebrity." Now on the
good old maxim of " Nil nisi bonum" I beg
you will produce this, as I'm sure it is, and
always was, uncommonly bonum, and like good
wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is :—
On the Late B. L.
Bob ! has he gone above the sky ?
We hope that it is so.
Yet when above, however high,
He '11 always be B.-Lowe.
I've seen nothing to equal this; at least,
being a judge of such things, I may safely say
so, adding numbly, " A poor thing, but mine
own." Yours, L. S. Peit D'Escalier.
_ Accidental Joke.—When does an explo-
sion do no harm ? When a husband blows
his wife up—and she deserves it.
"The Pariah."—
In the latest copy to
hand of that wonder-
ful penn'orth of gos-
sip and information,
Sala's Journal, Vol.
I. No. 16, and in the
very first line of the
light and leading
article, our "O.A.S."
asks "Is Woman a
Pariah?" Of course
she is not, we reply,
not even if she be the
very masculinest of
females. Some, if
~ they are " Riahs " at
all, are " Ma-riahs." " Riah," it may be re-
membered, is the abbreviated form of the
name as in the once popular Coster's song of
" What cheer Riah f" Whether spelt with
or without an " h" is of no consequence, the
Coster not being particular.
TO Dr. LOFIS ROBINSON.
( Who said at the British Association that a Baby
was an animal as interesting as any which had
been brought ^rom the idtcrmost parts of the
Earth.)
Quite right, Dr. Robinson, perfectly right,
No longer the need to repair to the Zoo;
No longer we '11 see with increasing delight
The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kan-
garoo.
But the " animal's interest" shall charm us
instead,
Though it's scarcely a charm you 've dis-
covered,—at least
There 's many a father who's pointedly said,
That his int'resting Babe was a "mere
little beast!"
Seasonable but Unfair.—When you have
to pay heavily for light refreshments.