DOI issue:
August 27, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0090
August 27, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
85
TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY.
(A Sketch at the Islington Arcadia.)
Scene—The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is revolving
with its organ in full blast; near it is a " Razzle-Dazzle "
Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical piano. To the
combined strains of these instruments, the merrier hearts of
Islington are performing a desultory dance, ivhich seems to
consist chiefly in the various couples charging each other with
desperate gallantry. At the further end of the Hall is a Stage,
on which a Variety Performance is in progress, and along the
side of the gallery a Switchback, the rolling thunder of which,
accompanied by masculine whoops and feminine squeaks, is dis-
tinctly audible. Near the entrance is a painted house-front with
two doors, which are being pitilessly battered with wooden balls ;
from time to time a well-directed missile touches a spring, one
of the doors opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling
and sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of
laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy
Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest woman now
living!
The C. C. 'Ere, I'm comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's
my friend ? he '11 pay for me. He promised to take care o' me, and
I can't trust myself anywhere without 'im.
[He), enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the
bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to be
lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for initia-
tion. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted Scene,
and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is visible
and vacant; behind the barrier which separates the Stage
from the Audience stands Mile. Scintilla, a young lady in a
crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if not precisely a
Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and reassuringly
material.
The C. C. Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I like 'em !
[The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile.
The Sp. G. {appearing on the Stage as Showman). Now, Ladies and
Gentlemen! (There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by way
of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any moral sup-
Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting port whatever.) You all know that Adepts have
the idyllic and pastoral associations of Arcady, the power of disintegrating material objects and
is an unpretending booth, the placards on which ^H§ ~ \ re-integrating them when they please. I have here
announce it to be the temporary resting-place ^)^j==- a hollow mask. (He exhibits a Pantomime demon
of the " Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are m-^^'' Wf head.) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet,
there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 %*JjL ^SPIm!^ which as you perceive is empty. I raise it—and.
years' residence in the Desert of Gobi." There Jl|ff m iifWrir^^r underneath you will see materialised a wonderful
is also a solemn warning that " if is im possible ]^j^^^^P^,^r)i young lady who consists of a head and nothing else.
to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth, a j^^d^^^^mr^k mh\. l-H-e discovers the head of a very human young
fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gen- Jg^^M^^^^^^k ^ wlmft Person with short curly hair.) Now those of you
tleman, in evening clothes, and a particularly WM^^^^^^M/A "w^10 are unmarried would find this young lady an
crumpled shirt-front—who presents a sort of ^^^^^TBK3^«| admirable wife for a man of small income, for,
compromise between the Scientific Savant and W^S^^<kmfMm having no body, she will cost him
the German Waiter has just locked up his j^HBj^Hl^fe!- nothing whatever for her food or
Assistant in a wooden pillory, for no obvious m^^^l^^^mW^m^^^m^MMi^r~~~~^ frocks.
reason except to attract a crowd. The crowd J^^^^^S^Tr^^^mmt"f'The C. C. (with a touch of cym-
collects accordingly, and includes a Comic FM^m^MnKfflMM/A, cism). She'd make it up in 'ats
Coachman, who, with his Friend—a tall and ■^jS^mMmiaH^ and bonnets, though; trust 'er!
speechless nonentity—has evidently come out to ^^^H^V The Showman. She is extremely
enjoy himself. w^^mammlm^mm sweet-tempered; and, when she observes a number
The Spectacled Gentleman (letting the Assistant of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as
out of the pillory, with the air of a man who does ^^MmSmfMlmMM there are to-night, she will smile affectionately at them.
not often unbend to these frivolities). Now, Gentle- ^^^^M^M [The Head gives a very practical confirmation
men, I am sure all those whom I see around me ^^^^iW/MlBS^m ('/ this assertion, and the Lady in the
have heard of those marvellous beings—the Mahat- ^mm/IlMM^mm corner sniffs with strong disapproval.
mas—and how they can travel through space in ^wMmurMmmm 27«? C. C. 'Ere, I say—where ' s my friend ? I want
astral bodies, and produce matter out of nothing at ^UmlunUm^L to take my 'ook out o' tins—the young Lady's 'ed is a
all. (Here the group endeavour to look as if these Biii^^ra smilin' at me, and it ain't good enough, yer know—
facts were familiar to them from infancy, while the mWllljMUBmi &he 's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit me!
Comic Coachman assumes the intelligent interest of vmmUB^m The Shoreman (after extinguishing the Head,
a Pantomime Clown in the price of a property fish.) WSffl/M^miw which is giggling helplessly, in the Mask). Now
Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be Ww0/mmm£ this other young Lady, Mile. Scintilla, known to
aware that at this very moment the air ail around mflBlMUKm her friends as Stakes," is equally wonderful in
you is full of ghosts. WI'I^MmWKI her way. It may surprise you when I inform you
The Comic Coachman (affecting extreme terror). W$m$lll0ia^\ '—{here he Vuts his arm affectionately round the
'Ere, let me get out o' this! Where's my friend ? WilmsIM^wk Sibyl's neck)— that, beautiful as she is, she has
The Sp. G. I am only telling you the simple ^Wm^wM^^^k^ never been kissed in her whole life!
truth. There is, floating above the head of each Wfij'l'/tJ/i^W&mPb The C. C. (with chivalrous indignation). What?
one of you, the ghostly counterpart of himself ; and ^r^mUs ^7*^ Ere, if that's all!-•
the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smok- ^ililllL 'T^o-P *n^ma^e8t ^n pantomime, his perfect readi-
ing also the ghost of a cigar or a pipe. ' ness ^° reP"'r this omission at once.
The C. C. (to his attendant Phantom). 'Ere, 'and J -J The Showman. This is owing to the fact that
me down one o' your smokes to try, will yer ? she is impregnated with electricity to such an extra -
The Sp. G. You laugh—but I am no believer in "1 have here u'° ordinary clean orcijnary degree, that any contact with her lips will
making statements without proof to support them, ilJ V1^8- produce a shock which would probably prove fatal!
and I shall now proceed to offer you convincing evidence that what The C. C. Oh, where is that friend o'mincP (To the Sibyl.)
I say is true. (Movement of startled incredulity in group.) I have I come out without my lightnin'conductor this evenin', Miss; but
here two ordinary clean clay pipes. (Producing them.) Now, Sir, I've got a friend somewhere in 'ere as Tl be 'appy to represent me.
(to the C. C.) will you oblige me by putting your finger in the bowls [The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved to find
to test whether there is any tobacco there or not ? that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously.
The C. C. Not me. None o' those games for me ! Where's my
friend ?—it's more in 'is line!
The Showman. As a proof that I am not speaking without found-
ation, this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you
[The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background, and, \ will at once become aware of the electric current
after a little .hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests the
boivls, and pronounces them empty.
The Sp. G. Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these
empty pipes. (He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity
o f unmistakable smoke.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a
deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner,
will you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir ? (To a bystander, who,
not ivithout obvious misgivings, takes a fcw\whiffs and produces smoke,
as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators.)
Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow me
to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen inside for
the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour of intro-
ducing to you Mile. Scintilla, who is not only the most extraordinary
[The Sibyl leans across the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm
for public pressure, but there is the usual reluctance at first to
embrace the opportunity. At length a seeker after truth grasps the
hand, and reports that he " can feel a somethink," whereupon his
example is followed by the others, including the C. C, who, finding
the sensation agreeable, pretends to be electrified to such an extent
that he is unable to let go—which concludes the entertainment.
Spectators (departing). She may have 'ad one o' them galvanic
belts on for all you can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot in it,
all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them cloys !
The C. C. (to his Friend). That was a lark, Jim ! But look 'ere—
don't you go tellin' the Missus ; she ain't on the Me'atmer lay—not
much, she ain't!
vol. cm.
85
TWO-PENN'ORTH OF THEOSOPHY.
(A Sketch at the Islington Arcadia.)
Scene—The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is revolving
with its organ in full blast; near it is a " Razzle-Dazzle "
Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical piano. To the
combined strains of these instruments, the merrier hearts of
Islington are performing a desultory dance, ivhich seems to
consist chiefly in the various couples charging each other with
desperate gallantry. At the further end of the Hall is a Stage,
on which a Variety Performance is in progress, and along the
side of the gallery a Switchback, the rolling thunder of which,
accompanied by masculine whoops and feminine squeaks, is dis-
tinctly audible. Near the entrance is a painted house-front with
two doors, which are being pitilessly battered with wooden balls ;
from time to time a well-directed missile touches a spring, one
of the doors opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling
and sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of
laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy
Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest woman now
living!
The C. C. 'Ere, I'm comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's
my friend ? he '11 pay for me. He promised to take care o' me, and
I can't trust myself anywhere without 'im.
[He), enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the
bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to be
lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for initia-
tion. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted Scene,
and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is visible
and vacant; behind the barrier which separates the Stage
from the Audience stands Mile. Scintilla, a young lady in a
crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if not precisely a
Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and reassuringly
material.
The C. C. Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I like 'em !
[The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile.
The Sp. G. {appearing on the Stage as Showman). Now, Ladies and
Gentlemen! (There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by way
of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any moral sup-
Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting port whatever.) You all know that Adepts have
the idyllic and pastoral associations of Arcady, the power of disintegrating material objects and
is an unpretending booth, the placards on which ^H§ ~ \ re-integrating them when they please. I have here
announce it to be the temporary resting-place ^)^j==- a hollow mask. (He exhibits a Pantomime demon
of the " Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are m-^^'' Wf head.) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet,
there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 %*JjL ^SPIm!^ which as you perceive is empty. I raise it—and.
years' residence in the Desert of Gobi." There Jl|ff m iifWrir^^r underneath you will see materialised a wonderful
is also a solemn warning that " if is im possible ]^j^^^^P^,^r)i young lady who consists of a head and nothing else.
to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth, a j^^d^^^^mr^k mh\. l-H-e discovers the head of a very human young
fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gen- Jg^^M^^^^^^k ^ wlmft Person with short curly hair.) Now those of you
tleman, in evening clothes, and a particularly WM^^^^^^M/A "w^10 are unmarried would find this young lady an
crumpled shirt-front—who presents a sort of ^^^^^TBK3^«| admirable wife for a man of small income, for,
compromise between the Scientific Savant and W^S^^<kmfMm having no body, she will cost him
the German Waiter has just locked up his j^HBj^Hl^fe!- nothing whatever for her food or
Assistant in a wooden pillory, for no obvious m^^^l^^^mW^m^^^m^MMi^r~~~~^ frocks.
reason except to attract a crowd. The crowd J^^^^^S^Tr^^^mmt"f'The C. C. (with a touch of cym-
collects accordingly, and includes a Comic FM^m^MnKfflMM/A, cism). She'd make it up in 'ats
Coachman, who, with his Friend—a tall and ■^jS^mMmiaH^ and bonnets, though; trust 'er!
speechless nonentity—has evidently come out to ^^^H^V The Showman. She is extremely
enjoy himself. w^^mammlm^mm sweet-tempered; and, when she observes a number
The Spectacled Gentleman (letting the Assistant of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as
out of the pillory, with the air of a man who does ^^MmSmfMlmMM there are to-night, she will smile affectionately at them.
not often unbend to these frivolities). Now, Gentle- ^^^^M^M [The Head gives a very practical confirmation
men, I am sure all those whom I see around me ^^^^iW/MlBS^m ('/ this assertion, and the Lady in the
have heard of those marvellous beings—the Mahat- ^mm/IlMM^mm corner sniffs with strong disapproval.
mas—and how they can travel through space in ^wMmurMmmm 27«? C. C. 'Ere, I say—where ' s my friend ? I want
astral bodies, and produce matter out of nothing at ^UmlunUm^L to take my 'ook out o' tins—the young Lady's 'ed is a
all. (Here the group endeavour to look as if these Biii^^ra smilin' at me, and it ain't good enough, yer know—
facts were familiar to them from infancy, while the mWllljMUBmi &he 's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit me!
Comic Coachman assumes the intelligent interest of vmmUB^m The Shoreman (after extinguishing the Head,
a Pantomime Clown in the price of a property fish.) WSffl/M^miw which is giggling helplessly, in the Mask). Now
Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be Ww0/mmm£ this other young Lady, Mile. Scintilla, known to
aware that at this very moment the air ail around mflBlMUKm her friends as Stakes," is equally wonderful in
you is full of ghosts. WI'I^MmWKI her way. It may surprise you when I inform you
The Comic Coachman (affecting extreme terror). W$m$lll0ia^\ '—{here he Vuts his arm affectionately round the
'Ere, let me get out o' this! Where's my friend ? WilmsIM^wk Sibyl's neck)— that, beautiful as she is, she has
The Sp. G. I am only telling you the simple ^Wm^wM^^^k^ never been kissed in her whole life!
truth. There is, floating above the head of each Wfij'l'/tJ/i^W&mPb The C. C. (with chivalrous indignation). What?
one of you, the ghostly counterpart of himself ; and ^r^mUs ^7*^ Ere, if that's all!-•
the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smok- ^ililllL 'T^o-P *n^ma^e8t ^n pantomime, his perfect readi-
ing also the ghost of a cigar or a pipe. ' ness ^° reP"'r this omission at once.
The C. C. (to his attendant Phantom). 'Ere, 'and J -J The Showman. This is owing to the fact that
me down one o' your smokes to try, will yer ? she is impregnated with electricity to such an extra -
The Sp. G. You laugh—but I am no believer in "1 have here u'° ordinary clean orcijnary degree, that any contact with her lips will
making statements without proof to support them, ilJ V1^8- produce a shock which would probably prove fatal!
and I shall now proceed to offer you convincing evidence that what The C. C. Oh, where is that friend o'mincP (To the Sibyl.)
I say is true. (Movement of startled incredulity in group.) I have I come out without my lightnin'conductor this evenin', Miss; but
here two ordinary clean clay pipes. (Producing them.) Now, Sir, I've got a friend somewhere in 'ere as Tl be 'appy to represent me.
(to the C. C.) will you oblige me by putting your finger in the bowls [The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved to find
to test whether there is any tobacco there or not ? that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously.
The C. C. Not me. None o' those games for me ! Where's my
friend ?—it's more in 'is line!
The Showman. As a proof that I am not speaking without found-
ation, this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you
[The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background, and, \ will at once become aware of the electric current
after a little .hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests the
boivls, and pronounces them empty.
The Sp. G. Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these
empty pipes. (He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity
o f unmistakable smoke.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a
deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner,
will you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir ? (To a bystander, who,
not ivithout obvious misgivings, takes a fcw\whiffs and produces smoke,
as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators.)
Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow me
to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen inside for
the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour of intro-
ducing to you Mile. Scintilla, who is not only the most extraordinary
[The Sibyl leans across the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm
for public pressure, but there is the usual reluctance at first to
embrace the opportunity. At length a seeker after truth grasps the
hand, and reports that he " can feel a somethink," whereupon his
example is followed by the others, including the C. C, who, finding
the sensation agreeable, pretends to be electrified to such an extent
that he is unable to let go—which concludes the entertainment.
Spectators (departing). She may have 'ad one o' them galvanic
belts on for all you can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot in it,
all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them cloys !
The C. C. (to his Friend). That was a lark, Jim ! But look 'ere—
don't you go tellin' the Missus ; she ain't on the Me'atmer lay—not
much, she ain't!
vol. cm.