DOI issue:
September 3, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0110
September 3, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
105
THE LAND OF THE (RATHER TOO) FREE.
Scene—The Landing-Stage of an English
Port.
Custom-Home Officer {through an inter-
preter). Do you speak English ?
Emigrant [ditto). No.
Cast.-II. Off. {as before). Have you any
money ?
Emi. {ditto). Not a kopeck.
Cust.-H. Off. Where do you come'from?
Emi. Polish Russia.
Cast.-II. Off. Have you any family ?
Emi. A sick wife and eight sick children.
Cust.-II. Off. Do any of you know a
trade ?
Emi. None of us.
Cust.-II. Off. Are you well enough to
work P
Emi. No.
Cust.-H. Off. Have you any friends in
England ?
Emi. Don't know a soul.
Cust.-H. Off. Have you any luggage ?
Emi. Only the Cholera !
A Compendiously Grammatical Tree.—
A Yew Tree. First it may be a 'Igh Tree,
hut it is a Yew Tree. It is either a He Tree
or a She Tree. If small, it represents the first
person plural by being a " Wee Tree :" the
second person plural is the Manager and
Manageress of the Haymarket, " Ye Trees ;"
and the third person plural would be ex-
pressed by a Devonshire Gardener indicating
this talented couple as " They Trees."
TEE, TEE, ONLY TEE !
{Song of the Golf Enthusiast. After Thomas Moore.)
' —='•;■-- ^^ag^r-^ Air—" Thee, thee, only thee."
..^^^'^—The dawn of morn, the daylight's
■^-^^^^^^^^^ZZ^- sinking,
-^f / \ | y~~j~=s^^_ Shall find me on the Links, and t hink-
J^si OfTee, Tee, only Tee !
..7:-=- When rivals meet upon the ground,
y|fa|p^L:-.. ;■ The Putting-green's a realm en-
Wjlm ■■ -. , W^k? Nay, in Society's giddy round
£|Pr —:ry',.'.v||y?^.,-.. My soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is
gf ..... ... ^^^X By Tee, Tee, only Tee!
Pll||gs—; —■---^B^^^S^- \ 15 For that at early morn I waken,
*3§11|\ ^SsjglliSfir v And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,
^^P '5^::"V:^^^R=T For Tee' Tee' only Tee !
^mfc&ril- 'm £aine to start all in the dark
'■■—- _;- ^m&sBBS^ To the Links hurrying — resting
fE^Zll^-:~~-^- SliPSS The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,
yi—s^jsaK?^ ~ •'gMi-'^- 1 halt not, heed not, hastening ever
IB " Slf To Tee'Tee'only Tee 1
^^^^^^m:^^^Sr " Of chilly fog I am no funker,
^^" "^^^^L. E ^ ^)raVij1 Yer^ higgest Dunker
- Jlllp1 "591l??5~ spell that nought on earth can break
^^^j&pg£?^5 j - " Holds me. Golf's charms can ne'er
r ^^=zz~^T7~"^* -^u^ ^ate ^ 'll'sleep, and early wake,
Of loyalty be this my token,
" To Tee, Tee, only Tee!
INNS AND OUTS.
No. II.—The Head-Wetter.
I entitle him as self-pronounced. If " Mr." is the Grand-Hotel
than the Prime Minister of England—and, between you and me,
I believe he is fully as capable—and yet he finds time to write a
letter to his old mother at Hamburg—1 have seen him do it. Perhaps
it was about the cigars! The only people who hate Adolf are the
Jupiter, the Head-Waiter is its Mercury. Nothing d&kLA Under-Waiters ; he rules them with a rod of iron,
modern is so versatile as the Head-Waiter. The -^W^m' marshalling their heated battalions at table d'hote,
first thing about the Head-Waiter is his cigars. These ^y^S and plundering them of their sweethearts; if he
are covered with tinsel and colours: very gay—almost breaks anything (hearts included), it is they who
as gay as the Head-Waiter. They are of unpro- ^^^^^i'^, have to pay. It is Adolf's only weakness—he is
nounceable and unknown brands. They vary in flsf^jl^ a hully to underlings of his own trade. But then
price and size, but agree in flavour—liquorice, tern- ^e ^as Deen an Under-Waiter once himself, and
pered by ink. Like the fabled fruit, they crumble i^tm-1 Firmtftli suffering brutalises ; however, he is outside the
to ashes in your mouth. If you are only a bird of '^wHKtl sphere of morality, and I could pardon him almost
passage, you will often find a box or so in your \Wlmmmii anJTthing.
room. " Great opportunity—veritable Pestarenas m/£ffi'V From time to time his fascinations induce an
of Nockudaun — one whole box for a sovereign jPr^w?f \ ^^^/WlUk Englishman or Englishwoman to take this treasure
English," the Head-Waiter assures you. The memory Wyfy-'/w \^M^mK§Wm home as a servant. But Adolf in livery, and Adolf
of that man is astounding; he remembers all the ffl <:Mi xf^^Kmf with his magic order-book, are two very different
numbers, all the wines, all the names, and all the if Jji'n ',c W^M^ people. Little things are missing ; he becomes quar-
Lady's-maids. For he is a bit of a Leporello, is y^^^m CW/Smm. relsome; the gipsy-spirit returns—and he is off again,
the Head-Waiter. Wml^~ \WM$Wl blithe as ever, on his travels. " London very naice,"
After dinner, where he takes a dozen orders, makes ne saYsi as you buy that infernal Pestarena ;
a dozen recommendations, and tells a dozen lies at ^^^^H^UimMmm " P°rewer) very naise ; 'Ampton Court, very
once, you may see him philandering by the Lake with BKy''Jw^filM^i naise; I know dem, hein ? But, is no sunshine,
M ary Ann, Jeanette, and Klara, all jealous, and WmSm^K/mM'//, 110 air, no gaiety." And Adolf cannot exist with-
all adoring, teaching each the language of the other, ^B^^HBUMmfm I ou* sunshine, air, and gaiety. Also he prefers
and all the art of love. I have often envied him. Wm^/W^^if/M being his own master, which, as Head-Waiter, he
The Head-Waiter's life is a "happy one." He is ^0wMMmSiM/m/' practically is.
ubiquitous; Egypt, The Riviera, Switzerland, and wM^^SKwiM'1 How insinuating he is about the food, " Some naice
Italy, see him by turns ; in each he has a white waist- ^^^^^rmW/lW/l fishes P Ley was having (lis morning." And then,
coat, of which Mr. Chamberlain might be proud, Bfafff ifflluk how accommodating! 1 was once in the Grand Hotel
infinite occupation, and infinite diversion; his nimble- W^^m^. llil during the usual "exceptional season," when it
ness, his light-heartedness, Ids languages, and his iMilwmh nflMpilJh rained unintermittently for a fortnight; the place
cigars, are inexhaustible. W^^m mssla/i was empty; " tristeful," as Adolf styled it. The
How we besiege him in the morning ! " Luncheon, w^^m WmM'' genius played billiards with me every day, and always
Adolf, for a party of seven, in a basket—a nice Wmmt hPPP won' though I rather fancy myself ; and then how
basket, you know—and don't forget the corkscrew." imMmi $P1P mindful he is of your individual bettings. " I gif you
" Yes, yes, I know—and you take the bottle-bier— wimM W$m%' ^s l^ace °y ^e window— to do you joy!" he ejacu-
it is much better nor the warne. Ha ! Ha ! " What Wip ffP|§l? lates. The simple creature, he is constantly trying .to
a laugh !—a roguish, child-like merriment of a Greek- wW/y 1 111111/ '' ma^e You please."
godlike character—or want of it. Old Ladies talk to WmW^^^^k I always present Adolf with ten shillings—five on
him quite trustingly at first sight; it's "Adolf, --^w^m^^wV arrival, and five on departure. This procures me
hare you such a thing as a bottle of gum—gummi, many harmless little privileges; and when old Brown
gum, you understand"; or, " Could you get me 0^^^^^^^^^, calls him an impertinent brute, I know that Brown
another cushion " ? He can, and does. As for the 4**^ u§ ^Ifeas^ and ten shillings are difficult to part,
children, they love him; he romps with them, and O1^ There is nothing Adolf will not do for you for a
does conjuring tricks, and warbles innumerable « One whole box for a sovereign sovereign—but I cannot run to this; and yet this is
songs. That man gets through more in one day English." the impression he has made.
105
THE LAND OF THE (RATHER TOO) FREE.
Scene—The Landing-Stage of an English
Port.
Custom-Home Officer {through an inter-
preter). Do you speak English ?
Emigrant [ditto). No.
Cast.-II. Off. {as before). Have you any
money ?
Emi. {ditto). Not a kopeck.
Cust.-H. Off. Where do you come'from?
Emi. Polish Russia.
Cast.-II. Off. Have you any family ?
Emi. A sick wife and eight sick children.
Cust.-II. Off. Do any of you know a
trade ?
Emi. None of us.
Cust.-II. Off. Are you well enough to
work P
Emi. No.
Cust.-H. Off. Have you any friends in
England ?
Emi. Don't know a soul.
Cust.-H. Off. Have you any luggage ?
Emi. Only the Cholera !
A Compendiously Grammatical Tree.—
A Yew Tree. First it may be a 'Igh Tree,
hut it is a Yew Tree. It is either a He Tree
or a She Tree. If small, it represents the first
person plural by being a " Wee Tree :" the
second person plural is the Manager and
Manageress of the Haymarket, " Ye Trees ;"
and the third person plural would be ex-
pressed by a Devonshire Gardener indicating
this talented couple as " They Trees."
TEE, TEE, ONLY TEE !
{Song of the Golf Enthusiast. After Thomas Moore.)
' —='•;■-- ^^ag^r-^ Air—" Thee, thee, only thee."
..^^^'^—The dawn of morn, the daylight's
■^-^^^^^^^^^ZZ^- sinking,
-^f / \ | y~~j~=s^^_ Shall find me on the Links, and t hink-
J^si OfTee, Tee, only Tee !
..7:-=- When rivals meet upon the ground,
y|fa|p^L:-.. ;■ The Putting-green's a realm en-
Wjlm ■■ -. , W^k? Nay, in Society's giddy round
£|Pr —:ry',.'.v||y?^.,-.. My soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is
gf ..... ... ^^^X By Tee, Tee, only Tee!
Pll||gs—; —■---^B^^^S^- \ 15 For that at early morn I waken,
*3§11|\ ^SsjglliSfir v And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,
^^P '5^::"V:^^^R=T For Tee' Tee' only Tee !
^mfc&ril- 'm £aine to start all in the dark
'■■—- _;- ^m&sBBS^ To the Links hurrying — resting
fE^Zll^-:~~-^- SliPSS The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,
yi—s^jsaK?^ ~ •'gMi-'^- 1 halt not, heed not, hastening ever
IB " Slf To Tee'Tee'only Tee 1
^^^^^^m:^^^Sr " Of chilly fog I am no funker,
^^" "^^^^L. E ^ ^)raVij1 Yer^ higgest Dunker
- Jlllp1 "591l??5~ spell that nought on earth can break
^^^j&pg£?^5 j - " Holds me. Golf's charms can ne'er
r ^^=zz~^T7~"^* -^u^ ^ate ^ 'll'sleep, and early wake,
Of loyalty be this my token,
" To Tee, Tee, only Tee!
INNS AND OUTS.
No. II.—The Head-Wetter.
I entitle him as self-pronounced. If " Mr." is the Grand-Hotel
than the Prime Minister of England—and, between you and me,
I believe he is fully as capable—and yet he finds time to write a
letter to his old mother at Hamburg—1 have seen him do it. Perhaps
it was about the cigars! The only people who hate Adolf are the
Jupiter, the Head-Waiter is its Mercury. Nothing d&kLA Under-Waiters ; he rules them with a rod of iron,
modern is so versatile as the Head-Waiter. The -^W^m' marshalling their heated battalions at table d'hote,
first thing about the Head-Waiter is his cigars. These ^y^S and plundering them of their sweethearts; if he
are covered with tinsel and colours: very gay—almost breaks anything (hearts included), it is they who
as gay as the Head-Waiter. They are of unpro- ^^^^^i'^, have to pay. It is Adolf's only weakness—he is
nounceable and unknown brands. They vary in flsf^jl^ a hully to underlings of his own trade. But then
price and size, but agree in flavour—liquorice, tern- ^e ^as Deen an Under-Waiter once himself, and
pered by ink. Like the fabled fruit, they crumble i^tm-1 Firmtftli suffering brutalises ; however, he is outside the
to ashes in your mouth. If you are only a bird of '^wHKtl sphere of morality, and I could pardon him almost
passage, you will often find a box or so in your \Wlmmmii anJTthing.
room. " Great opportunity—veritable Pestarenas m/£ffi'V From time to time his fascinations induce an
of Nockudaun — one whole box for a sovereign jPr^w?f \ ^^^/WlUk Englishman or Englishwoman to take this treasure
English," the Head-Waiter assures you. The memory Wyfy-'/w \^M^mK§Wm home as a servant. But Adolf in livery, and Adolf
of that man is astounding; he remembers all the ffl <:Mi xf^^Kmf with his magic order-book, are two very different
numbers, all the wines, all the names, and all the if Jji'n ',c W^M^ people. Little things are missing ; he becomes quar-
Lady's-maids. For he is a bit of a Leporello, is y^^^m CW/Smm. relsome; the gipsy-spirit returns—and he is off again,
the Head-Waiter. Wml^~ \WM$Wl blithe as ever, on his travels. " London very naice,"
After dinner, where he takes a dozen orders, makes ne saYsi as you buy that infernal Pestarena ;
a dozen recommendations, and tells a dozen lies at ^^^^H^UimMmm " P°rewer) very naise ; 'Ampton Court, very
once, you may see him philandering by the Lake with BKy''Jw^filM^i naise; I know dem, hein ? But, is no sunshine,
M ary Ann, Jeanette, and Klara, all jealous, and WmSm^K/mM'//, 110 air, no gaiety." And Adolf cannot exist with-
all adoring, teaching each the language of the other, ^B^^HBUMmfm I ou* sunshine, air, and gaiety. Also he prefers
and all the art of love. I have often envied him. Wm^/W^^if/M being his own master, which, as Head-Waiter, he
The Head-Waiter's life is a "happy one." He is ^0wMMmSiM/m/' practically is.
ubiquitous; Egypt, The Riviera, Switzerland, and wM^^SKwiM'1 How insinuating he is about the food, " Some naice
Italy, see him by turns ; in each he has a white waist- ^^^^^rmW/lW/l fishes P Ley was having (lis morning." And then,
coat, of which Mr. Chamberlain might be proud, Bfafff ifflluk how accommodating! 1 was once in the Grand Hotel
infinite occupation, and infinite diversion; his nimble- W^^m^. llil during the usual "exceptional season," when it
ness, his light-heartedness, Ids languages, and his iMilwmh nflMpilJh rained unintermittently for a fortnight; the place
cigars, are inexhaustible. W^^m mssla/i was empty; " tristeful," as Adolf styled it. The
How we besiege him in the morning ! " Luncheon, w^^m WmM'' genius played billiards with me every day, and always
Adolf, for a party of seven, in a basket—a nice Wmmt hPPP won' though I rather fancy myself ; and then how
basket, you know—and don't forget the corkscrew." imMmi $P1P mindful he is of your individual bettings. " I gif you
" Yes, yes, I know—and you take the bottle-bier— wimM W$m%' ^s l^ace °y ^e window— to do you joy!" he ejacu-
it is much better nor the warne. Ha ! Ha ! " What Wip ffP|§l? lates. The simple creature, he is constantly trying .to
a laugh !—a roguish, child-like merriment of a Greek- wW/y 1 111111/ '' ma^e You please."
godlike character—or want of it. Old Ladies talk to WmW^^^^k I always present Adolf with ten shillings—five on
him quite trustingly at first sight; it's "Adolf, --^w^m^^wV arrival, and five on departure. This procures me
hare you such a thing as a bottle of gum—gummi, many harmless little privileges; and when old Brown
gum, you understand"; or, " Could you get me 0^^^^^^^^^, calls him an impertinent brute, I know that Brown
another cushion " ? He can, and does. As for the 4**^ u§ ^Ifeas^ and ten shillings are difficult to part,
children, they love him; he romps with them, and O1^ There is nothing Adolf will not do for you for a
does conjuring tricks, and warbles innumerable « One whole box for a sovereign sovereign—but I cannot run to this; and yet this is
songs. That man gets through more in one day English." the impression he has made.