DOI issue:
September 10, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0125
120
[September 10, 1892.
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. XIII.-TO IRRITATION.
I have just come home from my Club in a state bordering' upon
distraction. No great misfortune has happened to me, my dearest
friend has not been black-balled, the Club bore has not had me in
his unrelenting clutches. The waiters have been, as indeed they
always are, civil and obliging, the excellent chef catered with his
usual skill to my simple mid-day wants, my table companions were
good-humoured, cheerful, and pleasantly cynical. What then, you
may ask, has happened to shatter my nerves and impair my temper
for the day ? It is a simple matter, and I am almost ashamed to
confess it openly. But I am encouraged by the fact that _ two
eminently solid and, so far as I could see, perfectly unemotional
gentlemen were as deeply pricked and worried by what happened as
I was myself. To begin with, I do not admit that my nerves vibrate
more easily than those of my fellow-men. I have never killed an
organ-grinder, I am guiltless of the blood of a German band, I have
even gone so far as to spare guards who asked for my railway-ticket
after I had carefully wrapped myself up for a journey, and no tout-
other philosophers opened their eyes and frowned, and still Dr.
Ftjssell continued to rummage. Now I knew, not only that that
fire was being poked on an entirely wrong principle, but that I alone
knew how it ought to be poked. My fingers itched, my whole body
tingled with excitement. At last Dr. Ftjssell ceased. In a moment
I was out of my seat and making a bee-line for the poker. I just
managed to beat the other two by a short head, seized the poker, and
relieved my soul by stirring the fire on strictly scientific principles.
The others watched me hungrily. When I had finished, each of them
took a short turn with the poker, and then we all returned, more or
less appeased, to our seats.
But we had not done with the ineffable Ftjssell. By this time he
was on the top of a step-ladder. Slowly he selected six tomes, and
began bis perilous descent. Our eyes were riveted upon him. Crash,
bang ! His arms were empty, and the unconscionable books fluttered
and clattered to the floor. Slowly and ruefully did Ftjssell descend
into the cloud of dust and gather his bruised treasures from the
carpet. At last he heaped them on his table, and began to write.
We hoped for peace, but it was not to be. A sudden thought struck
him. He would sew his scattered leaves of MS. together. With
dreadful deliberation he took needle and cotton from a little pocket
ing vendor of subscription books or f ., housewife that he carried with him,
works of art can truthfully say that I / ... h i ';/, f|W//l/ anc^ ^en De?an one °f the most mad-
have kicked him. On the whole I think , j|' 11 , |j, Lit l //,//, I Umif//////// 11 i dening performances I have ever
I am reasonably even-tempered and of 1^' '('I t 'F l III I watched. Carefully he held the needle
higher than average amiability. Others ;i jlli ' ■l^pt-^Ul^ ' \ / to the light, carefully he wetted and
may judge me differently._ I don't wish >|'!' M I l| f0MK0^r$''i W trimmed his cotton to a point. And
to quarrel with them. I simply reiterate jj J/ J| I f°F ten stricken minutes we saw him
my opinion. Why then ami to-day in J |^^^S|tM^M^''J>, 'U^cjj! M\ miss the eye of the needle, sometimes
a seething state of exception to my iL ^^^^m^mMff^^^^ff^' I by an inch, sometimes by a hair's
rule ? Here is the cause: ■^^^^^^mSKH^^^^^F^^^} breadth. It _ was a thrilling contest
After I had done with my luncheon, . l^^™HHii!^;iw' IK^0- between obstinacy and evasiveness. I
and had puffed a friendly cigar, I pro- \ g^^pMlH^^MmWB^^^^MF'l^m^ was fascinated by it. Every time, as
ceeded to that room in the Club which is , !0^^m^M iB8wBiliIiSM W- % the cotton neared the eye, my heart
specially dedicated to literature and i% ^^^^mrnKKKK^nKOmSTO\\lfflkl. 4 slowly ascended into my mouth, only
silence. What a feast of multitudinous f\ y^$0i^^^M..; - ;,':}'':.'l§ifflmS|^^^F to drop with a fatal swiftness into my
periodicals is there spread out, how u'^iiii'wt '^Wlii^l^* ~~ ~~ boots as the triumphant needle scored
brightly the variegated array of books —iij j^^jj^^^P^^^PMy||^»lp^^^ another victory. I began to imitate
from the circulating library attracts the ■ $jffig$B^^ Fussell's every movement. 1 threaded
leisurely, how dignified and awe- WBBm^^^^^^e^'1- - - —r!^^^^^ invisible needles by the gross with un-
inspiring are the far-stretching ranks of Jj^^aB^M^^MHjl^Bfe^^"' perceptible cotton. I felt in my own
accumulated volumes upon the shelves. /^mS^^^^^'^^^^TK^^^^mS!F^^ breast all the ardour of the chase, all
And the carpet, how soft, and the chairs ^mBmK^^^^^^SS^^^^^^^^^^^^^SK the bitter sorrow of repeated failures,
how comfortably easy. Into one of these '^sS^B^^SsSBS^m^^^^^^^^^^ My two companions in misfortune were
chairs I sank with a religious novel (I ^^^^SS^^^^^^W^^^^^^^^^^^^^- _ similarly affected, and there we sat,
merely mention the fact, whether for J^a^BSB^^^^^^^lBsB^^^£'^^M three sane and ordinary men, feverishly
praise or [blame I care not), and began IB/ going through all these itching move-
to think deeply about various life- ^"-'^^^^^^S^^^^H^^^^^^^^^P*' ments with Ftjssell as our detested,
problems that have much distressed me. ^^^^^B^^^^^^SS^^^^^^^^f^ uncorLsci°us fugleman. The strain
Why must men wear themselves out -'^^BSsBStSBSf^^S^^^B^Plr■ became too great. I sprang from my
prematurely with labour? Why must ^^S^^^^^U^T^f^^^i^^^^^^^^^i chair, "Sir," I said to the astonished
we suffer? And why, granting the ^^^^^^jw^ I |Jf/| Ftjssell, "permit me; I learnt the art
necessity for pain, should I occasionally )v^BS^^^^^^SBS^^^^^^^. II If I of threading needles as a boy from an
sink under a toothache, while Hah- ^j«^|^^^^^g^^^^^^Sg^^| 117 East End seamstress," and before he
rison, a blatant fellow with a red face || \ had time to protest, I had seized the
tion of robust and oppressive health ? —^^^^^^^^^^IZZ'-^^^^^^^^^^ °f inspiration had passed the cotton
These speculations were not so painful —^^^^^^^^ "^--^^^X^j through. Then without waiting to hear
and disturbing as might be supposed. what Ftjssell might have to say, I fled
from the room. And here consequently I sit with my nerves shat-
tered, and an untasted crumpet cooling on the tea-tray.
Am I singular ? I think not. There are others whose mannerisms
plague me too. For instance, Tbubebky, whom I meet occasionally,
has a wild and venomous habit of relating to be me his infinitesimal
jokelets. That I could pardon. But when, having related one, he
Indeed, they had a soothing effect. From the .'^rhythmical breathing
and the closed eyes of two other occupants of arm-chairs, I judged
that they were similarly occupied in philosophic reflection. I was
just composing myself to a bout of specially hard thinking, when,
lo, the door opened, and in stepped Dr. Ftjssell !
Everybody, I take it, knows Dr. Ftjssell. He is a member of
countless learned Societies. Over many of them he presides, to some j bursts, as he always does, into a helpless suffocation of purple
he acts as secretary. He reads papers on abstruse questions con- j laughter, the savage within me awakes and I murder Trtjberry in
nected with sanitation, he dashes with a kind of wild war-whoop fancy to an accompaniment of refined and protracted tortures. Once,
into impassioned newspaper controversies on the component elements ; as I helped him on with his overcoat, he joked and exploded. My
of a dust particle, or the civilisation of the Syro-Phomicians. He is ; fingers were horribly near his throat. But I mastered the impulse,
acute, dialectical, scornful and furious. He denounces those who j and Trtjberry will never know how near he was to destruction,
oppose him as the meanest of mankind, he extols his supporters as : And to make matters worse, he is one of the kindest and most con-
the most illustrious and reasonable of all who have benefited the j siderately helpful of human beings. Oh, Irritation, Irritation, you
human race. In the Club he is always engaged in some investiga
tion which keeps him continuously skipping from bookshelf to book
shelf, climbing up ladders to reach the highest shelves, rushing up
and down-stairs with sheaves of paper bulging in his coat-pockets,
or stowed under his arms. He lays his top-hat on the table, and
makes it a receptacle for reams of notes and volumes of projected
essays. In a word, he is a human storm.
Well, in he came with his grey hair streaming over his forehead,
have much to answer for. The fly in the ointment of the apothecary
was a baby to you. Avaunt, avaunt! Diogenes Bobinson.
The very Latest.—Mrs. Bam had a paragraph read to her from
the I). T.'s "London Day by Day," recounting how the Arch-
bishop of Canterbury when staying at Haddo House, had attended
service in the parish Kirk, which conduct might have provoked
and his eyes aflame. I knew in a moment that repose in his presence | High Churchmen to assail him for " bowing the knee in the House of
was out of the question, though I still sat on, hoping against hope. j Bimmon." Thinking it over afterwards, when she had muddled up
First, the Doctor bounded to the fire-place, seized the poker, and i the name in her usual fashion, our old friend Mrs. B. observed, with
began to rummage the fire. It was a good lire, and had done some humour, that she thought " the Archbishop had shown his good
nothing to deserve this punishment. I shifted on my seat; the two scents by going to the House of Bimmel."
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper,
there will be no exception.
[September 10, 1892.
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. XIII.-TO IRRITATION.
I have just come home from my Club in a state bordering' upon
distraction. No great misfortune has happened to me, my dearest
friend has not been black-balled, the Club bore has not had me in
his unrelenting clutches. The waiters have been, as indeed they
always are, civil and obliging, the excellent chef catered with his
usual skill to my simple mid-day wants, my table companions were
good-humoured, cheerful, and pleasantly cynical. What then, you
may ask, has happened to shatter my nerves and impair my temper
for the day ? It is a simple matter, and I am almost ashamed to
confess it openly. But I am encouraged by the fact that _ two
eminently solid and, so far as I could see, perfectly unemotional
gentlemen were as deeply pricked and worried by what happened as
I was myself. To begin with, I do not admit that my nerves vibrate
more easily than those of my fellow-men. I have never killed an
organ-grinder, I am guiltless of the blood of a German band, I have
even gone so far as to spare guards who asked for my railway-ticket
after I had carefully wrapped myself up for a journey, and no tout-
other philosophers opened their eyes and frowned, and still Dr.
Ftjssell continued to rummage. Now I knew, not only that that
fire was being poked on an entirely wrong principle, but that I alone
knew how it ought to be poked. My fingers itched, my whole body
tingled with excitement. At last Dr. Ftjssell ceased. In a moment
I was out of my seat and making a bee-line for the poker. I just
managed to beat the other two by a short head, seized the poker, and
relieved my soul by stirring the fire on strictly scientific principles.
The others watched me hungrily. When I had finished, each of them
took a short turn with the poker, and then we all returned, more or
less appeased, to our seats.
But we had not done with the ineffable Ftjssell. By this time he
was on the top of a step-ladder. Slowly he selected six tomes, and
began bis perilous descent. Our eyes were riveted upon him. Crash,
bang ! His arms were empty, and the unconscionable books fluttered
and clattered to the floor. Slowly and ruefully did Ftjssell descend
into the cloud of dust and gather his bruised treasures from the
carpet. At last he heaped them on his table, and began to write.
We hoped for peace, but it was not to be. A sudden thought struck
him. He would sew his scattered leaves of MS. together. With
dreadful deliberation he took needle and cotton from a little pocket
ing vendor of subscription books or f ., housewife that he carried with him,
works of art can truthfully say that I / ... h i ';/, f|W//l/ anc^ ^en De?an one °f the most mad-
have kicked him. On the whole I think , j|' 11 , |j, Lit l //,//, I Umif//////// 11 i dening performances I have ever
I am reasonably even-tempered and of 1^' '('I t 'F l III I watched. Carefully he held the needle
higher than average amiability. Others ;i jlli ' ■l^pt-^Ul^ ' \ / to the light, carefully he wetted and
may judge me differently._ I don't wish >|'!' M I l| f0MK0^r$''i W trimmed his cotton to a point. And
to quarrel with them. I simply reiterate jj J/ J| I f°F ten stricken minutes we saw him
my opinion. Why then ami to-day in J |^^^S|tM^M^''J>, 'U^cjj! M\ miss the eye of the needle, sometimes
a seething state of exception to my iL ^^^^m^mMff^^^^ff^' I by an inch, sometimes by a hair's
rule ? Here is the cause: ■^^^^^^mSKH^^^^^F^^^} breadth. It _ was a thrilling contest
After I had done with my luncheon, . l^^™HHii!^;iw' IK^0- between obstinacy and evasiveness. I
and had puffed a friendly cigar, I pro- \ g^^pMlH^^MmWB^^^^MF'l^m^ was fascinated by it. Every time, as
ceeded to that room in the Club which is , !0^^m^M iB8wBiliIiSM W- % the cotton neared the eye, my heart
specially dedicated to literature and i% ^^^^mrnKKKK^nKOmSTO\\lfflkl. 4 slowly ascended into my mouth, only
silence. What a feast of multitudinous f\ y^$0i^^^M..; - ;,':}'':.'l§ifflmS|^^^F to drop with a fatal swiftness into my
periodicals is there spread out, how u'^iiii'wt '^Wlii^l^* ~~ ~~ boots as the triumphant needle scored
brightly the variegated array of books —iij j^^jj^^^P^^^PMy||^»lp^^^ another victory. I began to imitate
from the circulating library attracts the ■ $jffig$B^^ Fussell's every movement. 1 threaded
leisurely, how dignified and awe- WBBm^^^^^^e^'1- - - —r!^^^^^ invisible needles by the gross with un-
inspiring are the far-stretching ranks of Jj^^aB^M^^MHjl^Bfe^^"' perceptible cotton. I felt in my own
accumulated volumes upon the shelves. /^mS^^^^^'^^^^TK^^^^mS!F^^ breast all the ardour of the chase, all
And the carpet, how soft, and the chairs ^mBmK^^^^^^SS^^^^^^^^^^^^^SK the bitter sorrow of repeated failures,
how comfortably easy. Into one of these '^sS^B^^SsSBS^m^^^^^^^^^^ My two companions in misfortune were
chairs I sank with a religious novel (I ^^^^SS^^^^^^W^^^^^^^^^^^^^- _ similarly affected, and there we sat,
merely mention the fact, whether for J^a^BSB^^^^^^^lBsB^^^£'^^M three sane and ordinary men, feverishly
praise or [blame I care not), and began IB/ going through all these itching move-
to think deeply about various life- ^"-'^^^^^^S^^^^H^^^^^^^^^P*' ments with Ftjssell as our detested,
problems that have much distressed me. ^^^^^B^^^^^^SS^^^^^^^^f^ uncorLsci°us fugleman. The strain
Why must men wear themselves out -'^^BSsBStSBSf^^S^^^B^Plr■ became too great. I sprang from my
prematurely with labour? Why must ^^S^^^^^U^T^f^^^i^^^^^^^^^i chair, "Sir," I said to the astonished
we suffer? And why, granting the ^^^^^^jw^ I |Jf/| Ftjssell, "permit me; I learnt the art
necessity for pain, should I occasionally )v^BS^^^^^^SBS^^^^^^^. II If I of threading needles as a boy from an
sink under a toothache, while Hah- ^j«^|^^^^^g^^^^^^Sg^^| 117 East End seamstress," and before he
rison, a blatant fellow with a red face || \ had time to protest, I had seized the
tion of robust and oppressive health ? —^^^^^^^^^^IZZ'-^^^^^^^^^^ °f inspiration had passed the cotton
These speculations were not so painful —^^^^^^^^ "^--^^^X^j through. Then without waiting to hear
and disturbing as might be supposed. what Ftjssell might have to say, I fled
from the room. And here consequently I sit with my nerves shat-
tered, and an untasted crumpet cooling on the tea-tray.
Am I singular ? I think not. There are others whose mannerisms
plague me too. For instance, Tbubebky, whom I meet occasionally,
has a wild and venomous habit of relating to be me his infinitesimal
jokelets. That I could pardon. But when, having related one, he
Indeed, they had a soothing effect. From the .'^rhythmical breathing
and the closed eyes of two other occupants of arm-chairs, I judged
that they were similarly occupied in philosophic reflection. I was
just composing myself to a bout of specially hard thinking, when,
lo, the door opened, and in stepped Dr. Ftjssell !
Everybody, I take it, knows Dr. Ftjssell. He is a member of
countless learned Societies. Over many of them he presides, to some j bursts, as he always does, into a helpless suffocation of purple
he acts as secretary. He reads papers on abstruse questions con- j laughter, the savage within me awakes and I murder Trtjberry in
nected with sanitation, he dashes with a kind of wild war-whoop fancy to an accompaniment of refined and protracted tortures. Once,
into impassioned newspaper controversies on the component elements ; as I helped him on with his overcoat, he joked and exploded. My
of a dust particle, or the civilisation of the Syro-Phomicians. He is ; fingers were horribly near his throat. But I mastered the impulse,
acute, dialectical, scornful and furious. He denounces those who j and Trtjberry will never know how near he was to destruction,
oppose him as the meanest of mankind, he extols his supporters as : And to make matters worse, he is one of the kindest and most con-
the most illustrious and reasonable of all who have benefited the j siderately helpful of human beings. Oh, Irritation, Irritation, you
human race. In the Club he is always engaged in some investiga
tion which keeps him continuously skipping from bookshelf to book
shelf, climbing up ladders to reach the highest shelves, rushing up
and down-stairs with sheaves of paper bulging in his coat-pockets,
or stowed under his arms. He lays his top-hat on the table, and
makes it a receptacle for reams of notes and volumes of projected
essays. In a word, he is a human storm.
Well, in he came with his grey hair streaming over his forehead,
have much to answer for. The fly in the ointment of the apothecary
was a baby to you. Avaunt, avaunt! Diogenes Bobinson.
The very Latest.—Mrs. Bam had a paragraph read to her from
the I). T.'s "London Day by Day," recounting how the Arch-
bishop of Canterbury when staying at Haddo House, had attended
service in the parish Kirk, which conduct might have provoked
and his eyes aflame. I knew in a moment that repose in his presence | High Churchmen to assail him for " bowing the knee in the House of
was out of the question, though I still sat on, hoping against hope. j Bimmon." Thinking it over afterwards, when she had muddled up
First, the Doctor bounded to the fire-place, seized the poker, and i the name in her usual fashion, our old friend Mrs. B. observed, with
began to rummage the fire. It was a good lire, and had done some humour, that she thought " the Archbishop had shown his good
nothing to deserve this punishment. I shifted on my seat; the two scents by going to the House of Bimmel."
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper,
there will be no exception.