Punch (103.1892)

September 17, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129

WHY YOUNG MEN DON'T
MARRY.

Dear Me. Punch,—The
reason is obvious. It is
entirely owing to your ad-
vice to those about to marry
—Don't! I myself have
been on the brink of pro-

Sosing to several thousand
elightful girls, a large
per centage of •which, I am
convinced, would have
gladly accepted me. I
have in every case been
restrained by the recollec-
tion of your advice.—Your
obedient and obliged Ser-
vant,

Hugh Adolphus

Latch-Key.
Sept. 5, 1892.

Deab Me. Punch,—The
reason (which I confide to
your ear, and yours alone,
is obvious—the girls don't,
and apparently wonH pro-
pose. Of course they ought
—what else do we have
Leap Year for ? Take my
own case. I am genuinely
in love with Ethel Tein-
keeton, who has just been
staying with us in the
country for three weeks.
She has paid me every kind
of attention. In our neigh-
bourhood, if A. carries B.'s
umbrella, where A. and B.
are of opposite sexes, it is
regarded as an informal,
though perfectly definite
way of announcing an ap-
proaching engagement. She
knew the custom, and car-
ried mine on no less than
three occasions. (It is
entirely beside the point
that it rained heavily each
time.) Yet she left us yes-
terday without an approach
to a proposal. She 's fair enough herself, but is her conduct ? It isn't
as if I hadn't given her enough chances. It cost me a small fortune
to bribe my small brother to keep away ; and, time after time, I've
consented to sit alone with her in the summer-house. It isn't as if
she couldn't afford it. They tell me she has at least a thousand
a-year in her own right (whatever that may be), which would do
capitally. I happen to be penniless myself; but, as I heard her
say, her idea of marriage was the union of " soul to soul," my
want of a few paltry pence could hardly matter. It's particularly
humiliating for me, as, after the repeated umbrella-carrying,
everybody here thinks it's all settled. That, Mr. Punch, is the
reason why, at any rate, one young man doesn't marry.

Yours, thoroughly aggrieved,
Pichleton-in-the-Marsh, Kent. Beetie Cool-Cheek,

_ P.S.—If Ethel really didn't understand her position, and would
like to reopen the matter, I would not be haughty about it.
-B. C-C.

Deae, Kind, Good Me. Punch,—The reason is obvious—the men
don't and won't propose to the right girls. Take my own case. I've
just stayed three weeks with the Cool-Cheeks, and felt quite certain
Beetie would have proposed. He had all the symptoms badly. I
saw him give his little brother half-a-crown to go indoors for ten
minutes, and the way he would go in the summer-house and for long
walks—with me—made it quite clear (as I thought) what was going
to happen. Yet, he let me come away without a word! I'm sure I
don't want to run after him (or anybody else), but I did think he
meant something. We suited one another admirably. In fact, if he
doesn't ask me with all the opportunities he had, he'd ask no one.

Yours, just-a-little-disappointed,

The Thorns, Bayswater. Ethel Teinkeeton.

P.S.—He carried my umbrella almost hourly—and you know what
that means. If Beetie was only nervous, and would like another
chance—well, we are always at home on Sunday afternoons.—E. T.

Local Preacher {giving an account to the Vicar of the Parish oj a dispute he has
had with the Leading Lights of his Sect). "Yes, Sir, after Treatment the likes

o' that, I says to 'em, ' for the future,' says I, ' I chucks up all religion,
and I goes to church !' "

A HINT TO EDITORS.

Scene—The Sanctuyn of a
Newspaper Office. Editor
discovered {by Obtrusive
Yisitor) hard at work.

Obtrusive Visitor. I trust
that I have not come at an
unfortunate moment ?

Editor [looking up from
his desk). Dear me ! You
here ! Delighted to see you.
But don't let me disturb
you. Good-bye!

Ob. Vis. {seating him-
self). No; I am afraid it
is the other way. I know
at this time of the week you
must be exceptionally busy.

Ed. {with courteous im-
patience). Not at all, but—
Ob. Vis. Oh! thank you
so much. .Because it is
the very last thing in the
world I would like to do—
to disturb you. And now,
how are you ?

Ed, Quite well, thanks.
But now, if you don't
mind, I will just finish.
[Turns to go on with his
article.
Ob. Vis. {rejecting the
hint). I said to myself as
I came along, Now I will
look him up.
Ed. Yery kind of you,

but--

Ob. Vis. Oh, not in the
least; and you know, my
dear fellow, how I enjoy a
chat.

Ed. Yes,—and I, too.

But just now-

Ob. Vis. Quite so. You
want me to do all the
talking, as we haven't met
for the last three weeks.
Well, you must know we
have been to Herne Bay,

~~ and-

Ed. Yes; charming place. But just now I am-

Ob. Vis. Quite so. But I didn't come to tell you about Herne

Bay, although it is really a delightful spot. The air-

Ed. Yes, I know all about it. First-rate, most salubrious, and

the rest of it. But, my dear friend, you really must--

Ob. Vis. Quite so! Yes, everyone knows all about Herne Bay;
and I really came to ask you if you had any room for an article.

Ed. {roused). My dear fellow, I assure you we are quite full for
months. Any number of excellent things standing over.

Ob. Vis. Oh, yes, I know you are always full. You told me so
the last time I called.

Ed. Quite so! Yery sorry, but it can't be helped. Have to look
so far ahead nowadays, you know.

Ob. Vis. Certainly ; and that is why I thought I would just bring
a half-finished article and show you what I had done, and complete
it if you thought it would do. _ You can put it in whenever you like ;
so it would not hurt for standing over.
Ed. {with inspiration). What is it called ?

Ob. Vis. " Russian Wheat and Chinese Tea or Free Trade in
Australia." The subject is quite novel, and ought to attract con-
siderable attention.

Ed. Novel! Why, my dear fellow, I do believe I have an article
somewhere in that heap upon the very subject.

[Pretends to search pile of MS.
Ob. Vis. {uneasily). Oh, never mind. I will read you what I have

written, and-

Ed. {genially). Oh, no, I won't give you the trouble. I will read
you what he has written, and then you can see.—Ah, here it is I

[Produces enormous pile of MS.

Ob. Vis. {hesitating). Well, perhaps, if you don't mind-

[Suddenly remembers an appointment and exit. Editor resumes
his ivork with an air of triumph. Curtain.

A REAL CONVERT,

The Thief's Motto.—" Take things quietly."