Punch (103.1892)

143 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 24, 1892.

CULTURE BY THE SEA.

"Have you Browning's Works?"

"No, Miss. They're too difficult. People down here don't understand them.
"Have you Praed?"

" Prayed, Miss ? Oh yes ; we 'ye tried that, but it's no use I "

THE CHATEAU D'" IF.

The Castle that I sing, is not

The stronghold pres Marseilles,
Where Monte Christo brewed his plot

For Dumas' magic tale :
It's one we all inhabit oft,

Tbe residence of most,
And not peculiar to the soft,

Mediterranean coast.

The Castle " If"—If pigs had win?s,

If wishes horses were,
If, rather more substantial things,

My Castles in the air;
If balances but grew on Banks,

If Brokers hated "bluff;"
If Editors refrained from thanks

And printed all my stuff.

If, holidays were not a time

Beyond a chap's control.
When someone else prescribes how I 'in

To bore my selfish soul;
If bags and boxes packed themselves

For one who packing loathes;
If babes, expensive little elves,

Were only born with clothes

If Bradshaw drove me to the train!

Were mal-de-mer a name !
If organ-grinders ground a strain

That never, never came ;
If oysters stuck at eighteen pence ;

If ladies loathed "The Stores ; "
If Tax-collectors had the sense

To overlook my doors!

If sermons stopped themselves to suit

A congregation's pain ;
If everyone who played the flute

Were sentenced to be slain ;
If larks with truffles sang on trees,

If cooks were made in heaven ;
And if, at sea-side spots, the seas

Shut up from nine till seven.

If /might photograph the fiend

Who mauls me with his lens,
If supercilious barbers leaned

Their heads for me to cleanse !
If weather blushed to wreck my plans,

If tops were never twirled ;
If " It's and ands were pots and pans,"—

'T would be a pleasant world!

Summary of Result for Old Catholic
Congress.—Lucernd Lucellum.

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.

Dear Mr. Punch,—I got so wet on the
St. Leger day, that I've been in bed ever since
—not because I had to wait till my things
were dry—but because I caught a cold!
What a day it was!—I am told that in
addition to the St. Leger, Doneaster is chiefly
celebrated for Butter Scotch—if so, I presume
they don't make it out-of-doorsj or it would
have stood a good chance of being melted—
(not in the mouth)—on Wednesday fort-
night ! But the excitement of the race
fully made up for the liquid weather, and we
all—(except the backers of Orme)—enjoyed
ourselves. I was told that the Duke of
Westminster had " left the Leger at Good-
wood," which is simply absurd, as I not only
saw it run for at Doneaster myself, but it is
ridiculous to insinuate that the Duke went
there, put the Leger in his pocket—(as if a
Nobleman ever kept books) — walked off
quietly to Goodwood and ^left it there
deliberately!

1 conclude it can only be an expression
coined to discount—(another ledger term)—•
the victory of La Fleche,—to which not half
enough attention has been drawn, solely (in
my opinion) because La Fleche is of the
gentler sex, and men don't like the "horse
of the year " to be a mare.

I still maintain she was unlucky to lose
the Derby, as she won the Oaks two days
Later in two seconds quicker time:—(which
is an anachronism—as if you win once out
of twiee—how can it be two seconds ?)

There was good sport at Yarmouth flast
week, though owing to the rain the course
must have been on the soft (roe) side,—by the
way you can get them now in bottles, and
very good they are. I am glad to see that
staunch supporter of the turf, Lord Eltham,
winning races again—as his horses have been
much out of form lately, at least so I am
told, but I was not aware that horses were
in a "form " at all, unless being " schooled "
over hurdles.

I shall have a word or two to say on the
Cesarewitch shortly — having had some
private information calculated to break a
Rothschild if followed — but for the
moment will'content myself with scanning
the programme of the Leicester and Man-
chester Meetings.

There are two races which seem perhaps
worth picking up—one at each place; and,
while giving my selection for the Leicester-
shire race in the usual verse, I will just
mention that I should have given Lord Dun-
raven's Lnverness for the Manchester race,
but that I see his Lordship has sent it to
America—rather foolish, now that winter is
coming on ; but perhaps he has another, and
may be doing a kindness to some poor Ameri-
can Cousin! St. Angelo might win this race
vvithout an Inverness, though I presume he
will appear in some sort of clothing.

Yours devotedly, Lady Gay.

Leicestershire Royal Handicap
Selection.

On seeing an awkward, three-cornered affair,
Which I heard was a raeer from Fingal,

And hearing him roaring, and whistling an air,
I said, he '11 be beaten by Windgall.

P.S.—This is awful; but what a horse to
have to rhyme to !

"ShutUf!" at Barmouth!—Mr. Glad-
stone having made up his mind not to utter
another syllable during his holiday, selects
as an appropriate resting-place, a charming
sea-side spot where he stops himself, and
where there is a " Bar " before the "mouth."