DOI issue:
November 5, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0221
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[November 5, 1892,
THE STEPNEY THAT COSTS.
[" The circumstances will indeed have to be very remarkable to take two
Judges into Stepney." — Baron Pollock, re Stepney Election Petition, Oct. 26.]
I chanced to meet a man the other day,
"Whose store of legal knowledge was amazing,
He stormed at me in quite the stormiest way,
With fiery indignation simply blazing.
I wondered if he'd lost his (legal) hair
(Forgive the phrase) against a demi-rep ? Nay !
They 'd really ventured to presume to dare
To ask a Judge or two to go to Stepney !
Now if it had been merely Peckham Rye,
They would have gone at once, and gone right gladly.
Then Brondesbury, Barnet—New or High,—
Or Shepherd's Bush would not have done so badly.
Penge would have brought the Crystal Palace near,
And Kensington's Olympia made their soul burn,
They'd have enjoyed the jaunt to Greenwich Pier,
And Heaven had been synonymous with Holborn.
Oh ! had it been Soho or Maida Yale
It would have been of course another story. A
Delightful trip to Euston could not fail
To please as much as Broad Street or Victoria.
Belgravia would have suited very well,
They could have done with Balham, Bow, or Brixton,
With Flower-laden Battersea. But tell
Me if you can— oh! why was Stepney list on ?
ROBERT'S VISIT TO IRELAND.
Wrell, it isn't for one like me to say as how as good luck means
wirtue rewarded, cos I have, in my long xperiense, seen not a
werry few cases where it wasn't so—no, not by no manner of means.
But this I can most trewly
say, that my slice of luck
during this larst munth is
worthy of being called a reel
staggerer! And this is how
it cum about:—•
The Amerrycain Gent, at
the Grand Hotel, wyanted a
change for about a weak or
two, and he naterally arsked
me what he shood do. I
made lots of wise suggeshons,
in course, such as Margate,
and Grinnidge, and Hern
Bay, and other hily arrister-
cratick places, but they none
on 'em woodn't do. So pre-
sently he calls out, 1' Did you
ever go to Ireland?" I was
that staggered, that I coud
ardly arnser him ; but then I
says, " Yes, Sir—but it were
sum time ago." Then he stag-
gers me much more wiolently,
for he says, says he, "Why
shoudn't you go with me
then, and be my Wally!"
When I recovered my breth,
I says, " I don't know as our
gentelmanly Manager here
woud spare me." So he says,
"I'll soon see about that."
So he rings the bell wiolently,
and arsks for him—and he
cums —and, to my serprize,
he doesn't make not no objec-
shun at all, which was, in
course, werry complementary
to me, and, strange to say, no
more did Mrs. Robeet, when
~Wff^\ 1 told her of it.
1 ■ 5«|3?^? Well, I passes over all pre-
«1 was i hat staggered, t hat I could H^enerry derangements, till
'ardly answer him." f e finds ourselves on board a
lovly steemer, bound tor Old
Ireland, as we alius calls her, tho' I don't spose as she's any older than
the rest onus. It was thatruif that I perposed waitin till the sea got
smooth; but my Master ony larft, and sed I shood be all rite if I
follered his adwiee, as he was used to the sea, and rayther liked
it a little rufiish. So he got me a sheet of brown paper to put on my
manly chest, and gave me some champane, and one glass of Perettic
Sline,I think he called it, and, with their ade, I got over much better
than I xpected.
We went as strate as we coud go to the Lakes of Killarny, and if
that isn't jest about as lovly a plaice as the hole world can show, why
then let sumbody show me another as is. If anyboddy arsked me if
it never rained there, truth wood make me say yes, it most suttenly
does sumtimes, but then so it does ewerywheres in ollidy time excep
where it's most speshally wanted.
My Guvner's fust harty larf was at dinner on the fust day, when
he told me to ring for sum pepper. Tim the Waiter arnsered the
bell, and I told him what was wanted, and I scarce xpecs to be
bleeved when I says, as he cums back and he says, says he, " If you
plase, Sir, sure the Pepper's engaged ! " I thort the Guvner wood
ha larfed hisself hill, but he soon recovered, and said, " Thin niver
mind Tim, we '11 do without it to-day, but let us have fust turn at
it to-morrow." " Suttenly, your honour," says Tim, and wanishes.
The next day, after driving us round the naybourhood, he came in
without being arsked, and goes to the fire and warms his hands, and
then says with a broad grin, " Sure it's a jolly lucky cupple as you
are, for the rains a bustin down like thunder ! " When handing the
unpeeled Potatows to ,the Guvner he wood pint his finger at one' and
say, " That's a rale buty, Sir! "
I spose as the Guvner was rayther libberal to Tim, when we left,
as all reel gennelmen alius is, for the tears acshally came into the
pore feller's eyes, and he blessed us both, and wished as a few more
genelman like us woud sumtimes wisit poor old Ireland!
We stayed about a fortnight, but we didn't see another Waiter
like poor Tim, who was the werry fust humane being as hever called
me a gennelman, pore feller ! but we had a werry nice time of it on
the hole, which I may p'raps elude to sum day, when things ain't
quite so brisk as they is just now, and I must say as my Guvner
behaved like the reel Gennelman as he is, when we cum f or to settel
up. Robert.
SECUNDUM HARTY.
[" I have even gone so low as Id. a course . . . with enough success as to
elicit effusive eulogies from some distinguished literary persons ..."
—Mr. Ernest Hart in " Where are the Cooks ?''—BaiUj Graphic, Oct. 18.]
On ! where are the Cooks;
where on earth can they be ?
Pray, hark to the House-
keeper's pitiful moan.
Mr. Hart seems to know, and
he tells us, with glee,
Of a plan which is his, and is
his, too, alone.
It's a plan for a dinner, that's
easily shown
To be cheap, and of pleasure
the joy-giving source,
'Tis a wonderful plan—hear
the epicure groan— ■
It costs just exactly one penny
a course.
The dinner's Hartistic. Sweet
Hart says that he
Had a meal fit to soften the
heart of a stone,
There were guests—-men of
letters, and lofty degree—
Who were pleased, and not only saw fit to condone,
But who ransacked each country, land, continent, zone,
For encomiums of praise, till they really grew hoarse.
But would they have done so, had only they known
It cost just exactly one penny a course ?
Yes, a penny a head. It's not easy to see
How it's done for the price of a bun or a scone.
When the Mistress and Cook find it hard to agree,
And the former of these is provokingly prone
With the latter to pick a most terrible bone,
When it seems that disaster must follow perforce,
Oh! whisper them this in a Hart-rending tone—
It costs just exactly one penny a course!
L'ENVor.
0 Host, if all other ideas have llown,
Remember this plan as a final resource,
Be Harty ! Be Earnest! Make his plan your own!
It costs j ust exactly one penny a course !
The Real Art oe Book-Keeping.—Never to lend !
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures ox any description, wiU
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed ".Envelope;, Cover, or Wrapper. To this ruia
there will te no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[November 5, 1892,
THE STEPNEY THAT COSTS.
[" The circumstances will indeed have to be very remarkable to take two
Judges into Stepney." — Baron Pollock, re Stepney Election Petition, Oct. 26.]
I chanced to meet a man the other day,
"Whose store of legal knowledge was amazing,
He stormed at me in quite the stormiest way,
With fiery indignation simply blazing.
I wondered if he'd lost his (legal) hair
(Forgive the phrase) against a demi-rep ? Nay !
They 'd really ventured to presume to dare
To ask a Judge or two to go to Stepney !
Now if it had been merely Peckham Rye,
They would have gone at once, and gone right gladly.
Then Brondesbury, Barnet—New or High,—
Or Shepherd's Bush would not have done so badly.
Penge would have brought the Crystal Palace near,
And Kensington's Olympia made their soul burn,
They'd have enjoyed the jaunt to Greenwich Pier,
And Heaven had been synonymous with Holborn.
Oh ! had it been Soho or Maida Yale
It would have been of course another story. A
Delightful trip to Euston could not fail
To please as much as Broad Street or Victoria.
Belgravia would have suited very well,
They could have done with Balham, Bow, or Brixton,
With Flower-laden Battersea. But tell
Me if you can— oh! why was Stepney list on ?
ROBERT'S VISIT TO IRELAND.
Wrell, it isn't for one like me to say as how as good luck means
wirtue rewarded, cos I have, in my long xperiense, seen not a
werry few cases where it wasn't so—no, not by no manner of means.
But this I can most trewly
say, that my slice of luck
during this larst munth is
worthy of being called a reel
staggerer! And this is how
it cum about:—•
The Amerrycain Gent, at
the Grand Hotel, wyanted a
change for about a weak or
two, and he naterally arsked
me what he shood do. I
made lots of wise suggeshons,
in course, such as Margate,
and Grinnidge, and Hern
Bay, and other hily arrister-
cratick places, but they none
on 'em woodn't do. So pre-
sently he calls out, 1' Did you
ever go to Ireland?" I was
that staggered, that I coud
ardly arnser him ; but then I
says, " Yes, Sir—but it were
sum time ago." Then he stag-
gers me much more wiolently,
for he says, says he, "Why
shoudn't you go with me
then, and be my Wally!"
When I recovered my breth,
I says, " I don't know as our
gentelmanly Manager here
woud spare me." So he says,
"I'll soon see about that."
So he rings the bell wiolently,
and arsks for him—and he
cums —and, to my serprize,
he doesn't make not no objec-
shun at all, which was, in
course, werry complementary
to me, and, strange to say, no
more did Mrs. Robeet, when
~Wff^\ 1 told her of it.
1 ■ 5«|3?^? Well, I passes over all pre-
«1 was i hat staggered, t hat I could H^enerry derangements, till
'ardly answer him." f e finds ourselves on board a
lovly steemer, bound tor Old
Ireland, as we alius calls her, tho' I don't spose as she's any older than
the rest onus. It was thatruif that I perposed waitin till the sea got
smooth; but my Master ony larft, and sed I shood be all rite if I
follered his adwiee, as he was used to the sea, and rayther liked
it a little rufiish. So he got me a sheet of brown paper to put on my
manly chest, and gave me some champane, and one glass of Perettic
Sline,I think he called it, and, with their ade, I got over much better
than I xpected.
We went as strate as we coud go to the Lakes of Killarny, and if
that isn't jest about as lovly a plaice as the hole world can show, why
then let sumbody show me another as is. If anyboddy arsked me if
it never rained there, truth wood make me say yes, it most suttenly
does sumtimes, but then so it does ewerywheres in ollidy time excep
where it's most speshally wanted.
My Guvner's fust harty larf was at dinner on the fust day, when
he told me to ring for sum pepper. Tim the Waiter arnsered the
bell, and I told him what was wanted, and I scarce xpecs to be
bleeved when I says, as he cums back and he says, says he, " If you
plase, Sir, sure the Pepper's engaged ! " I thort the Guvner wood
ha larfed hisself hill, but he soon recovered, and said, " Thin niver
mind Tim, we '11 do without it to-day, but let us have fust turn at
it to-morrow." " Suttenly, your honour," says Tim, and wanishes.
The next day, after driving us round the naybourhood, he came in
without being arsked, and goes to the fire and warms his hands, and
then says with a broad grin, " Sure it's a jolly lucky cupple as you
are, for the rains a bustin down like thunder ! " When handing the
unpeeled Potatows to ,the Guvner he wood pint his finger at one' and
say, " That's a rale buty, Sir! "
I spose as the Guvner was rayther libberal to Tim, when we left,
as all reel gennelmen alius is, for the tears acshally came into the
pore feller's eyes, and he blessed us both, and wished as a few more
genelman like us woud sumtimes wisit poor old Ireland!
We stayed about a fortnight, but we didn't see another Waiter
like poor Tim, who was the werry fust humane being as hever called
me a gennelman, pore feller ! but we had a werry nice time of it on
the hole, which I may p'raps elude to sum day, when things ain't
quite so brisk as they is just now, and I must say as my Guvner
behaved like the reel Gennelman as he is, when we cum f or to settel
up. Robert.
SECUNDUM HARTY.
[" I have even gone so low as Id. a course . . . with enough success as to
elicit effusive eulogies from some distinguished literary persons ..."
—Mr. Ernest Hart in " Where are the Cooks ?''—BaiUj Graphic, Oct. 18.]
On ! where are the Cooks;
where on earth can they be ?
Pray, hark to the House-
keeper's pitiful moan.
Mr. Hart seems to know, and
he tells us, with glee,
Of a plan which is his, and is
his, too, alone.
It's a plan for a dinner, that's
easily shown
To be cheap, and of pleasure
the joy-giving source,
'Tis a wonderful plan—hear
the epicure groan— ■
It costs just exactly one penny
a course.
The dinner's Hartistic. Sweet
Hart says that he
Had a meal fit to soften the
heart of a stone,
There were guests—-men of
letters, and lofty degree—
Who were pleased, and not only saw fit to condone,
But who ransacked each country, land, continent, zone,
For encomiums of praise, till they really grew hoarse.
But would they have done so, had only they known
It cost just exactly one penny a course ?
Yes, a penny a head. It's not easy to see
How it's done for the price of a bun or a scone.
When the Mistress and Cook find it hard to agree,
And the former of these is provokingly prone
With the latter to pick a most terrible bone,
When it seems that disaster must follow perforce,
Oh! whisper them this in a Hart-rending tone—
It costs just exactly one penny a course!
L'ENVor.
0 Host, if all other ideas have llown,
Remember this plan as a final resource,
Be Harty ! Be Earnest! Make his plan your own!
It costs j ust exactly one penny a course !
The Real Art oe Book-Keeping.—Never to lend !
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures ox any description, wiU
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed ".Envelope;, Cover, or Wrapper. To this ruia
there will te no exception.