DOI Heft:
November 26, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0255
250 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 26, 1892.
AVAR ON A LARGE SCALE.
(An Account of the Conflict, from the Diary of
an Inhabitant of Herne Bay.)
Monday.—Extremely awkward—the entire
British Meet have come ashore; and, as it
is impossible to move them on account of
their enormous tonnage, this will entail a loss
of £24,000,000,000!
Tuesday.—Troubles never come singly !
The French, taking advantage of the tem-
porary suspension of our naval operations,
have declared war. This means the utter
ruin of the bathing season, not only at Herne
Bay, but Southend, and the Isle of Thanet.
Wednesday.—As I expected ! The French
Fleet are coming up towards London. They
are sure to pepper us as they pass. As every
gun carries several hundred miles, I do not
see how books can be uninterruptedly issued
from and returned to the Circulating Library.
'Thursday.—Our first slice of luck! The
entire French Fleet during the mist last night
came into collision with the Nore Light, and
sank immediately. I was surprised at their
sparing the Reculvers and the local bathing-
machines, but now the mystery is explained.
Friday.—Just learned that the great gun
of Paris, which carries forty-four thousand
miles, is to be tried for the first time to-mor-
row. It would have been used earlier, had it
not been necessary to raise a foreign loan to
supply funds to load it. Trust it won't be
laid in our direction. This war has already
caused the Insurance Companies to double
their charges! Too bad !
Saturday. — All's well that ends well.
Hostilities are at an end. This morning all
the glass in the windows were broken at
8 o'clock. Ten minutes later the Champs
Elysees was deposited half a mile from Birch-
ington. We now know that the great Paris
gun burst on its first discharge, and France
exists no longer as a country, but as a" geo-
graphical expression " is deposited in various
parts of Europe.
Heal and Ideal. — "A Really Hard-
Ileaded Man "—the Iron-skulled individual
now exhibiting at the Aquarium. If his will
is as iron as his head, what a despot he would
be! If France is tired of her Republic, she
might try the Iron-Headed Man as a ruler.
There is the chance, of course,'that he might
turn out a numskull, and be only King Log,
after all.
LOCAL COLOUR.
Mr. Alfred Austin", in his new poem,
Fortunatus, the Pessiinist, has hit. upon a
new notion, to say nothing of a novel rhyme.
Sings he:—
" "When the foal and brood-mare hinny,
And in ever)' cut-down spinney
Lady's-Smoeks grow mauve and mauver,
Then the Winter days are over."
This opens a polychromatic vista to the
New Poetry. Technical Art comes to the
aid of the elder Muses. The products of gas-
tar alone should greatly regenerate a some-
thing time-worn poetic phraseology. As
thus:—
When the poet, Mr. Penntline,
Is inspired by beauteous Aniline,
Products chemical and gas-tarry
Give the modern Muse new mastery.
Mauve may chime with love, and mauver
Form a decent rhyme to lover;
While (and if not, why not ?) mauvest
Antiphonetic proves to lovest.
(Verse erotic always sports
Tricksily with longs and shorts.
Verbal votaries of Venus
Are an arbitrary genus,
And as arrogant as Howells
In their dealings with the vowels.
Love, move, rove, linked in a sonnet,
Pass for rhymes ; the best have done it!)
Then again there is Magenta!
Surely science never sent a
Handier rhyme to—well, polenta,
Or (for Cockney Muses) Mentor !
The poetic sense auricular
Can't afford to be particular.
Rags of rhymes, mere assonances,
Now must serve. Pegasus prances,
Like a Buffalo Bill buck-jumper,
When you have a "regular stumper"
(Such as " silver ") do not care about
Perfect rhyming ; " there or thereabout"
Is the Muse's maxim now.
You may get (bards have, I trow)
Rhyme's last minimum irreducible,
From dye-vat, retort, or crucible.
Verily (as Touchstone says), "I'll rhyme
you so, eight years together, dinners and
suppers, and sleeping hours excepted." And
if it is "the right butter woman's rate to
market," or " the very false gallop of verses,"
it is at any rate good enough for a long-eared
public or a postulant for the Laureateship.
A GENTLEMAN WHO "TAKES LIFE
EASILY."
AVAR ON A LARGE SCALE.
(An Account of the Conflict, from the Diary of
an Inhabitant of Herne Bay.)
Monday.—Extremely awkward—the entire
British Meet have come ashore; and, as it
is impossible to move them on account of
their enormous tonnage, this will entail a loss
of £24,000,000,000!
Tuesday.—Troubles never come singly !
The French, taking advantage of the tem-
porary suspension of our naval operations,
have declared war. This means the utter
ruin of the bathing season, not only at Herne
Bay, but Southend, and the Isle of Thanet.
Wednesday.—As I expected ! The French
Fleet are coming up towards London. They
are sure to pepper us as they pass. As every
gun carries several hundred miles, I do not
see how books can be uninterruptedly issued
from and returned to the Circulating Library.
'Thursday.—Our first slice of luck! The
entire French Fleet during the mist last night
came into collision with the Nore Light, and
sank immediately. I was surprised at their
sparing the Reculvers and the local bathing-
machines, but now the mystery is explained.
Friday.—Just learned that the great gun
of Paris, which carries forty-four thousand
miles, is to be tried for the first time to-mor-
row. It would have been used earlier, had it
not been necessary to raise a foreign loan to
supply funds to load it. Trust it won't be
laid in our direction. This war has already
caused the Insurance Companies to double
their charges! Too bad !
Saturday. — All's well that ends well.
Hostilities are at an end. This morning all
the glass in the windows were broken at
8 o'clock. Ten minutes later the Champs
Elysees was deposited half a mile from Birch-
ington. We now know that the great Paris
gun burst on its first discharge, and France
exists no longer as a country, but as a" geo-
graphical expression " is deposited in various
parts of Europe.
Heal and Ideal. — "A Really Hard-
Ileaded Man "—the Iron-skulled individual
now exhibiting at the Aquarium. If his will
is as iron as his head, what a despot he would
be! If France is tired of her Republic, she
might try the Iron-Headed Man as a ruler.
There is the chance, of course,'that he might
turn out a numskull, and be only King Log,
after all.
LOCAL COLOUR.
Mr. Alfred Austin", in his new poem,
Fortunatus, the Pessiinist, has hit. upon a
new notion, to say nothing of a novel rhyme.
Sings he:—
" "When the foal and brood-mare hinny,
And in ever)' cut-down spinney
Lady's-Smoeks grow mauve and mauver,
Then the Winter days are over."
This opens a polychromatic vista to the
New Poetry. Technical Art comes to the
aid of the elder Muses. The products of gas-
tar alone should greatly regenerate a some-
thing time-worn poetic phraseology. As
thus:—
When the poet, Mr. Penntline,
Is inspired by beauteous Aniline,
Products chemical and gas-tarry
Give the modern Muse new mastery.
Mauve may chime with love, and mauver
Form a decent rhyme to lover;
While (and if not, why not ?) mauvest
Antiphonetic proves to lovest.
(Verse erotic always sports
Tricksily with longs and shorts.
Verbal votaries of Venus
Are an arbitrary genus,
And as arrogant as Howells
In their dealings with the vowels.
Love, move, rove, linked in a sonnet,
Pass for rhymes ; the best have done it!)
Then again there is Magenta!
Surely science never sent a
Handier rhyme to—well, polenta,
Or (for Cockney Muses) Mentor !
The poetic sense auricular
Can't afford to be particular.
Rags of rhymes, mere assonances,
Now must serve. Pegasus prances,
Like a Buffalo Bill buck-jumper,
When you have a "regular stumper"
(Such as " silver ") do not care about
Perfect rhyming ; " there or thereabout"
Is the Muse's maxim now.
You may get (bards have, I trow)
Rhyme's last minimum irreducible,
From dye-vat, retort, or crucible.
Verily (as Touchstone says), "I'll rhyme
you so, eight years together, dinners and
suppers, and sleeping hours excepted." And
if it is "the right butter woman's rate to
market," or " the very false gallop of verses,"
it is at any rate good enough for a long-eared
public or a postulant for the Laureateship.
A GENTLEMAN WHO "TAKES LIFE
EASILY."