DOI Heft:
December 17, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0291
286
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 17, 1892,
DIARY OF A STATESMAN.
("Made in France.")
Monday.—Immense enthusiasm. The Ministry never so strong.
When asked my intentions, replied, '' My intentions are the inten-
tions of my country." They nearly shook my hand off in their
delight. Grand official reception in the evening. Everyone there.
All the Diplomatic body offered congratulations.
Tuesday.—Ministry suddenly threatened by an unseen danger.
Everything going smoothly, when someone in the back benches
interrogated us about an open window in the corridors. Considering
the question frivolous, deoLined to answer. Enormous excitement,
all the Members shaking their fists, and gesticulating. " Urgency"
asked for. We protested; and, after a heated debate, secured the
passing to the Order of the
Day pur et simple by a majo
rity of two I Too close to be
pleasant.
Wednesday.—We have been
defeated ! The window inci-
dent was renewed. The Minis-
ter of Justice explained that
it was the accidental careless-
ness of a Commissionnaire of
Police. Although the man was
brave, and crippled by a
wound, the _ Chamber de-
manded his immediate dis-
missal. We protested.
"Urgency" was voted by a
majority of 343, and we imme-
diately resigned. Bore to have
to pack up!
Thursday. — Have refused
to join no less than five com-
binations. Too dangerous.
None of them seemed suffi-
ciently stable. Six men have
been tried, but at present
without result. Well, if
nothing is done by to-morrow
morning, I shall go into the
country for a little shooting.
Fido is quite ready—he has
his coat cut, his moustache
curled, and can carry a bag
in his mouth. He is very
good at tricks too. Altogether
a thorough sporting dogue.
Friday. — Back again.
Others being unable to form a
Cabinet, have formed one my-
self. Think it will hold to-
gether, but one never knows.
So far we have had an over-
whelming vote of confidence.
Put it to the Members whether
we might do what we pleased
with the windows. "Yes," and
"Urgency" voted almost
simultaneously. No doubt a
veritable triumph!
Saturday. — Everything
went smoothly until the after-
noon, when a Deputy wished
to know the correct time.
Minister of Education gave it
as a quarter to six. It was
proved that he was wrong.
He should have said ten minutes to the hour. Serious Ministerial
crisis in consequence. Fearful excitement. A Bill brought in and
passed legalising everything that four men and a boy might decide.
Ministry forced to protest;; turned out in consequence. Base in-
gratitude ; but a time will oome ! Generally hop in and out of offioe
twice in a fortnight. Quite aocustomed to it. Good exercise.
Sunday.—Released from my Ministerial duties. Shall have a
day's shooting with Fido in consequence. But I must be back
again to-night, beoause I am sure to be expected to form a New
Ministry to-morrow!
'iA---'' t
"Where are you Stayino ? I'll call and see you."
"Don't! You'll only think the Worse of me when you see my
Surroundings ! "
"Oh, my dear Fellow, that's impossible, you know!"
"SMALL BY DEGREES, AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS."
Dear Mr. Punch,—I see that the authorities at Monte Carlo
very properly have refused permission to Doctors, their wives and
families, to visit the tables of the Casino. I have not yet ascer-
tained the reason for the prohibition, but no doubt it is because the
" powers that be " consider Physicians too valuable to the community
to run the risk of endangering their lives in the excitement of play.
If we may accept this as a basis, we can see how the idea can be
developed. If it is right to exolude Doctors, why then, as a kindred
class, Lawyers should also be refused admission. Of course
Clergymen of all denominations are, even now, conspicuous by their
absence. If they are not, the decree of banishment should refer also
to the wearers of the cloth.
We have now got rid of Doctors, Lawyers, and Parsons—three of
the Professions. To be con-
sistent, we must take the
fourth. This will prevent
Musicians from gambling.
But if Musicians are tabooed,
why not Actors ? And if
Actors, why not Artists ? And
if we except Artists, we must
join Literature and Science,
or there might be jealousy.
And now we have excluded
Doctors, Lawyers, Parsons,
Musicians, Actors, Artists,
Authors, Men of Science, and
everyone more or less con-
nected with them.
Now_ we must remember
what is bad for the master
must be equally bad for the
man. So if a Doctor is ex-
cluded, a Chemist, an Under-
taker, and a Grave-digger
would also be kept away. A
Lawyer would carry with him
Judges, Magistrates, Clerks,
and Law Stationers. The
Clergy would represent every-
one connected with a church,
from an Archbishop to a Bell-
ringer. Then, if we are to
take away the Professions,
Commerce must follow —
wholesale and retail. In one
blow we keep out of the rooms
nearly the entire community.
Still there are the Army, the
Navy, and the Civil Service.
But these are all more or less
branches of the original class.
They, like the Doctors, work
for the public good. Without
an Army and Navy and a Civil
Service, how would the State
exist P So they must go. And
now we have very little left.
We have lost the Doctors, the
Clergy, the Lawyers, the Con-
tributors to Fine Arts, the Mer-
chants, the Traders, and the
Servants of the Crown. Natu-
rally the lower orders would
follow the lead of the upper
classes, and then there would
be only the Croupiers left. And
as the Croupiers may not play
themselves, and would have the play of no one to superintend, they,
too. might be excused, as their labour would be in vain.
And now having reduced the visitors of the tables to an unknown
quantity, I may disappear myself. Yours retiringly,
Spatiish Castle, Isle of Skye. An ex-X.
KINDLY MEANT.
Query.— Why cannot Mr. Gladstone eat more than two-thirds of a
rabbit, whether boiled or curried ? Answer.—It does not matter
what Mr. Gladstone or anybody else can do, as nobody can eat
a rabbit [w)hole.
A Push of One.—The Times, a few days ago, alluding to the
unemployed loafer, said, " it is he who flocks " to Relief Committees,
and so forth. How delightful to be able to flock all by yourself!
It recalls the bould Irish soldier who "took six Frenchmen prisoners
by surrounding them" ?
The Grammar op Art.—" Art," spell it with a big or little "a,'
can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am "
must have the place of honour; then '1 Thou Art I " to apostrophised,
comes next.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 17, 1892,
DIARY OF A STATESMAN.
("Made in France.")
Monday.—Immense enthusiasm. The Ministry never so strong.
When asked my intentions, replied, '' My intentions are the inten-
tions of my country." They nearly shook my hand off in their
delight. Grand official reception in the evening. Everyone there.
All the Diplomatic body offered congratulations.
Tuesday.—Ministry suddenly threatened by an unseen danger.
Everything going smoothly, when someone in the back benches
interrogated us about an open window in the corridors. Considering
the question frivolous, deoLined to answer. Enormous excitement,
all the Members shaking their fists, and gesticulating. " Urgency"
asked for. We protested; and, after a heated debate, secured the
passing to the Order of the
Day pur et simple by a majo
rity of two I Too close to be
pleasant.
Wednesday.—We have been
defeated ! The window inci-
dent was renewed. The Minis-
ter of Justice explained that
it was the accidental careless-
ness of a Commissionnaire of
Police. Although the man was
brave, and crippled by a
wound, the _ Chamber de-
manded his immediate dis-
missal. We protested.
"Urgency" was voted by a
majority of 343, and we imme-
diately resigned. Bore to have
to pack up!
Thursday. — Have refused
to join no less than five com-
binations. Too dangerous.
None of them seemed suffi-
ciently stable. Six men have
been tried, but at present
without result. Well, if
nothing is done by to-morrow
morning, I shall go into the
country for a little shooting.
Fido is quite ready—he has
his coat cut, his moustache
curled, and can carry a bag
in his mouth. He is very
good at tricks too. Altogether
a thorough sporting dogue.
Friday. — Back again.
Others being unable to form a
Cabinet, have formed one my-
self. Think it will hold to-
gether, but one never knows.
So far we have had an over-
whelming vote of confidence.
Put it to the Members whether
we might do what we pleased
with the windows. "Yes," and
"Urgency" voted almost
simultaneously. No doubt a
veritable triumph!
Saturday. — Everything
went smoothly until the after-
noon, when a Deputy wished
to know the correct time.
Minister of Education gave it
as a quarter to six. It was
proved that he was wrong.
He should have said ten minutes to the hour. Serious Ministerial
crisis in consequence. Fearful excitement. A Bill brought in and
passed legalising everything that four men and a boy might decide.
Ministry forced to protest;; turned out in consequence. Base in-
gratitude ; but a time will oome ! Generally hop in and out of offioe
twice in a fortnight. Quite aocustomed to it. Good exercise.
Sunday.—Released from my Ministerial duties. Shall have a
day's shooting with Fido in consequence. But I must be back
again to-night, beoause I am sure to be expected to form a New
Ministry to-morrow!
'iA---'' t
"Where are you Stayino ? I'll call and see you."
"Don't! You'll only think the Worse of me when you see my
Surroundings ! "
"Oh, my dear Fellow, that's impossible, you know!"
"SMALL BY DEGREES, AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS."
Dear Mr. Punch,—I see that the authorities at Monte Carlo
very properly have refused permission to Doctors, their wives and
families, to visit the tables of the Casino. I have not yet ascer-
tained the reason for the prohibition, but no doubt it is because the
" powers that be " consider Physicians too valuable to the community
to run the risk of endangering their lives in the excitement of play.
If we may accept this as a basis, we can see how the idea can be
developed. If it is right to exolude Doctors, why then, as a kindred
class, Lawyers should also be refused admission. Of course
Clergymen of all denominations are, even now, conspicuous by their
absence. If they are not, the decree of banishment should refer also
to the wearers of the cloth.
We have now got rid of Doctors, Lawyers, and Parsons—three of
the Professions. To be con-
sistent, we must take the
fourth. This will prevent
Musicians from gambling.
But if Musicians are tabooed,
why not Actors ? And if
Actors, why not Artists ? And
if we except Artists, we must
join Literature and Science,
or there might be jealousy.
And now we have excluded
Doctors, Lawyers, Parsons,
Musicians, Actors, Artists,
Authors, Men of Science, and
everyone more or less con-
nected with them.
Now_ we must remember
what is bad for the master
must be equally bad for the
man. So if a Doctor is ex-
cluded, a Chemist, an Under-
taker, and a Grave-digger
would also be kept away. A
Lawyer would carry with him
Judges, Magistrates, Clerks,
and Law Stationers. The
Clergy would represent every-
one connected with a church,
from an Archbishop to a Bell-
ringer. Then, if we are to
take away the Professions,
Commerce must follow —
wholesale and retail. In one
blow we keep out of the rooms
nearly the entire community.
Still there are the Army, the
Navy, and the Civil Service.
But these are all more or less
branches of the original class.
They, like the Doctors, work
for the public good. Without
an Army and Navy and a Civil
Service, how would the State
exist P So they must go. And
now we have very little left.
We have lost the Doctors, the
Clergy, the Lawyers, the Con-
tributors to Fine Arts, the Mer-
chants, the Traders, and the
Servants of the Crown. Natu-
rally the lower orders would
follow the lead of the upper
classes, and then there would
be only the Croupiers left. And
as the Croupiers may not play
themselves, and would have the play of no one to superintend, they,
too. might be excused, as their labour would be in vain.
And now having reduced the visitors of the tables to an unknown
quantity, I may disappear myself. Yours retiringly,
Spatiish Castle, Isle of Skye. An ex-X.
KINDLY MEANT.
Query.— Why cannot Mr. Gladstone eat more than two-thirds of a
rabbit, whether boiled or curried ? Answer.—It does not matter
what Mr. Gladstone or anybody else can do, as nobody can eat
a rabbit [w)hole.
A Push of One.—The Times, a few days ago, alluding to the
unemployed loafer, said, " it is he who flocks " to Relief Committees,
and so forth. How delightful to be able to flock all by yourself!
It recalls the bould Irish soldier who "took six Frenchmen prisoners
by surrounding them" ?
The Grammar op Art.—" Art," spell it with a big or little "a,'
can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am "
must have the place of honour; then '1 Thou Art I " to apostrophised,
comes next.