Octobee 8, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165

AN ABSENT AUDIENCE.

Socialist. "Ah!—it's all very well yer all Looking at Me, with yer Smiles
and yer Jeers . . . ."

DE CORONA.

[" The shape of the hat is another token in
which individuality asserts itself, and the angle at
■which it is worn. There are men who vary this
angle with their different moods."—Article on
"Men's Dress," Daily News, Sept. 10.]

You ask why I gaze with devotion
At Algernon's features, my love ?

Nay, you are astray in your notion,
My glance is directed above ;

His hair may be yellow or ruddy,
No longer I'm anxious for that,

But now I incessantly study
The tilt of his hat.

At times it will carelessly dangle
With an air of esthetic repose,

At others will point to an angle
Inclined to the tip of his nose ;

When it rests on the side of his head, he
Will smile at whatever befalls,

When pushed o'er his brow, we make ready
For numerous squalls!

When he starts for his train to the City

It is put on exactly upright,
And -who would not view it with pity

Return, mud-bespattered, at night ?
When early, so polished and glowing,

Jammed on at haphazard when late;
It forms a barometer, showing
His mood up to date.

And you, who are young and unmarried,
Give heed to my counsel, I pray;

Do not, I entreat you, be carried
By wealth or affection away;

The heroine, novelists mention,

" Eyes fondly his features." Instead,

Observe, for your part, with attention
The hat on his head !

A New Collection of Hats, Ancient and
Modern—The Church Congress at Folkestone.

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

Mount Street, Orosvenor Square.

Dear Mr. Punch,

We were not overcrowded last week
at Newmarket, and really the more one takes
racing from a business point of view, the
more attractive it becomes!—at least, I have
found it so myself ever since it has been my
duty to acquire information for the benefit
of my readers.

There was only one thing that annoyed me
during the week, and that was the incon-
siderate behaviour of Windgall in winning
the October Handicap, although it was a
most extraordinary confirmation of my re-
marks anent his performance in the Leicester
Handicap, in my last letter; but it is annoy-
ing that, when you select a horse to win a
race, he runs second, and directly after wins
a race for which he is not selected, beating
the horse chosen by a length!—it puzzles
me completely, as it is impossible in this case
to put it down to want of good breeding !
We were sorry not to have the Buccaneer-
Orvieto match decided, as it would have been
the event of the meeting; but, as the old
proverb runs, "a wise owner is merciful to
his beast," so Orvieto had an afternoon's rest
at the price of £100!—rather more than some
people might be inclined to pay for a game
of forfeits!

The time is not yet ripe—(has anyone ev»r
seen time get ripe, I wonder ?)—for disclosing
what I know about the Cesarewitch—(I never
know whether I' ve spelt that correctly or not!
—and the more you look at it the '' wronger "
it seems!)—but I may mention that I've
heard great accounts of Kingkneel, who was
bought the other day for Sir Greenash
Burnley (the latest favourite of fortune, and
beloved of the ring)—and had he not earned
a penalty—(this expression ought to be
changed, as it implies, to my mind, which

is an excellent average sample; a misde-
meanor) — by winning a paltry thousand
pounds race somewhere; I really believe the
Cesare—no!—not again !—was at his mercy—
but now, as the turf-writer puts it—" I shall
look elsewhere ! "—as if that would make any
difference!—but of this race, more anon, and
meantime, those who are fond of the "good
things " of this life must not miss my selec-
tion for the big race of next week at Kempton
—on the Jubilee Course, which said course,
I am told, is by no means a Jubilee for the
jockeys, owing to the danger in "racing for
the bend."

There are several horses entered who seem
to have great chances, making the race as
difficult as a problem in Euclid—but my
selection will most certainly be "there, or
thereabouts," which is a comforting, if some-
what vague reflection.

Yours truly, Lady Gay.

Duke op York Stakes Selection.

The muse is dull!—the day is dead!

And vain is all endeavour
To light afresh the poet's spark-

I can't find a rhyme for the winner,
Iddesleigh.

P.S.—Really it's most thoughtless of
owners to harass one with such names!

"IN THIS STYLE, TWO-AND-SIX"

(In the Pound).

Sir,—I have been much struck with the
suggestion to do without hats, and have made
trial of the system. It has also made trial
of me, in the way of colds in the head, bron-
chial catarrh, &c, but I still persevere. It's
so much cheaper ! I have sold my stock of
old hats for half-a-crown, and calculate that
I shall save quite three shillings per annum
by not buying new ones. Surely anybody can
see that this is well worth doing! I am now
seriously contemplating the possibility of
doing without boots ! Yours truly,

Save the Saxpences.

Sir,—Talk about hair growing if you leave
off hats ! My hair was falling off in handfuls
a little time ago. Did I abjure hats alto-
gether ? Not being a born idiot, I did not.
But I saw that what was needed was proper
ventilation aloft. So I had a specially-con-
structed top-hat made, with holes all round it.
In fact there were more holes than hat, and
the hatter scornfully referred to it as a
"sieve." The invention answered splen-
didly. There was a thorough draught con-
stantly rushing across the top of my head,
with the speed and violence of a first-class
tornado. My locks, before so scanty, at once
began to grow in such profusion that it now
seems impossible to stop them, except by
liberal applications of " Crinificatrix," the
Patent Hair Restorer. That checks the
growth effectually. My general name among
chance acquaintances is "Old Doormat."
You can judge how thick my hair must be
and I ascribe it entirely to the beneficent
action of the draught, as before,

Yours, Well-Covered.

Dear Sir,—Why would it be a mistake to
say that a Negro was " as black as my hat ? "
Because I never wear one. The only incon-
venience resulting is in wet weather—but,
even then, I am prepared for all emergencies.
I keep in my pocket a little square of black
waterproof, to cover my head when it rains.
In an Assize town, the other day, I was fol-
lowed by an angry crowd, who imagined that
I was'one of the Judges, and that I had gone
mad, and was walking about the streets with
the black cap on I But all true reformers are
treated in this way, even in England, the
land of Liberty. Yours, Hatzoff.