Punch / Almanack (1862)

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOE 1862

WISH FOR SEPTEMBER.

Young Goose. Sss— sss—sss —

B8S !

Old Goose. Hold your bill, you
young fool, you are only attract-
ing notice. I said so. Farmer
Piggins has his eye on you. I’m.
tough and safe, but ain’t you going
to London ?

Young Goose. Me—oh — wh —
what d ’ye mean f

Old Goose. To-morrow’s the 29th
September, my child.

Young Goose. I wish there was
no Michaelmas Day. (struggling.)

MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS.

AUTUMN”.

Corn is ready to be cut;

So are tares and poppies too.
Many a crop is touched with smut.
Marked with spots of sable hue.
Thus, when ears of mildewed
grain

Dot wheat, barley, oats, and
rye,

Fields present one yellow stain
Only to the jaundiced eye.

Agricultural Improvement.
—In consequence of a great de-
crease of crime in the rural
districts, the farmers, generally,
employ the County Police as
Clod-crushers.

If you stumble over your new
mat in the passage, what science
are you shown to have neglected?
Pneumatics.

When you wind up your affairs,
mind you use the right watch-
key.

The New Spanish Wine, under
the Gladstone reduced Duties.
— Vino de Tarifa.

HALF A CENTURY HENCE.
(Extract from the Diary of Evelyn
Pepys Jones.)

Sept. 7. The cheap nights at the
Opera having now commenced, I
treat my wife and her mamma
to a couple of pit stals, for each
of which I pay two shillings, use
of opera-glass included. How
thankful we should be that the
Verdi reign is over, and that the
tide of favour has again set in for
GlUck, Rossini, and Mozart !
The same good taste is shown,
moreover, at the theatres. Trashy
farces and burlesques no longer
are considered the main features
of our stage ; and now that
managers have sense enough to
abolish fees to box-keepers, and
all such impositions, to ventilate
their theatres and make comfort-
able seats, and to limit each per-
formance to the playing of one
piece, the drama is of course in
a most flourishing condition.

ACROBATIC ARITHMETIC.

(For the use of Proprietors of Places
of Public Entertainment.)
Three stumbles make one fall,
Three falls, one broken neck,
Three broken necks, one success,
Three successes, one inquest.

Fact of Common Life.—Youth
is commonly considered to be in-
genuous and. inexperienced The
common, however, is a field of
observation on which we may
learn that, notwithstanding all
that is said of green geese, a
young goose is much more downy
than an old one.

Describe a Home-Circle.—
The Wedding Ring.

A FAIR RETORT.

Quoth Giles from the Dock to my Lord on the Bench,
Who with poaching offences was twitting him:

“ If us poachers do live by the znaring o'hares,

Zure yon lawyers do live by the splitten ’em. ”

EPITAPH UPON A CAT.

So rare her virtues, it were shabby
Not to lament my faithful tabby:

She lived as pure as any roach,

She died “ sans Purr, etsans reproche ! ”

THE VESTRY FIAT.

To your new-fangled ways and means.
We still prefer our stale ways :

We’ll neither have street-railway trains,
Nor yet have Train’s street-railways.

_. _ .w A LITTLE SHOOTING IN IRELAND.

•‘No hit again, I’m afraid, Tim!"

“ 0, niver mind, yer ’Onor ! Sure, te do it very nist. 'There’s some Jintlemen now comes, and they Blaze away and they Wowntmck the
Lies and the Wings, and such like, but yer ’Onor 1 O, ye Fires, and Fires, and ALWAYS Misses ’em CLANE and CLEVER 1 ” K P00R Birrds