Punch (7.1844)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

183

over a wall, he would not have pursued little John to th»
BROUGHAM IN THE PliOTINCES. treadmill for a loss of the value of one farthing. Yes ; we

think it plain that the valorous soldier was never in reality
a child. Perhaps, indeed, he may be the identical warrior
o ' whom the well-known story is told that "the Colonel
was crying for his porridge."

The stern Lord Eldon, in his old age—even when he
had become hardened in ermine—looked indulgently at
schnul-boy apple-stealing ; for he somewhere says of him-
self and brother, " we were very good boys ; we never did
worse than rob an orchard." But then Lord Eldon had
been once a boy ! He had—shall we call it so—the advan-
tage of Colonel Campbell.

John Hoare will, however, gain experience. After
fourteen days retirement in gaol, he may come out with a.
contempt of the pettiness of his offence — instead of
knocking down walnuts he may learn to steal handker-
chiefs and pick locks.

We think the county of Hampohire should in some way
mark its gratitude to Colonel Campbell. The whole
Iliad, it is said, was once so minutely written that it could
be enclosed in a walnut-shell. Let the same ingenuity be
exercised on the Newgate Calendar, and then be presented^
with grateful solemnity, to " Colonel H. D. Campbell,
of North-End, near Kingston, Portsea ! "

THE HONOURABLE ARTILLERY COMPANY.

At a Court of Assistants of Ute above Honourable Company, it
was resolved unanimously :—
1st. That the members be strictly ordered not to put on
their clean shirts on Sunday, but save them till Monday, as it
would be a disgrace to the Service to appear with dirty collars.

2nd. That Privates be not allowed to have straps at the
bottom of their trousers j and those Members whose trousers
are too short, are ordered to have their boots blacked well up
We have had several inquiries addressed to us as to what has become of1 the legs.
Lord Brougham. We have no means of knowing with certainty how his Lordship 3rd. That the Members be ordered to attend particularly to
is at present occupied, but it is not impossible that his success as clown to the their Caps ; the Court of Assistants having noticed, with regret,
ring during the last parliamentary campaign has induced him to seek during the the very rusty appearance of the beaver, which can be reno-
reeesa a similar situation in the provinces. We know that there are several ! vated at a small expense.

equestrian companies traversing the country at this period of the year, and we J 4th. That the Armourer be ordered to take off the locks of
have heard of a very clever clown in Mr. Cooke's employ, who jumps through a the muskets, to prevent any accident.

hoop on the back of a horse at full gallop. Can it be Lord Brougham ? 5th. That the Captains be instructed to arrange all the

_ short men in front, 60 that the taller men may look over their

heads without standing on tip-toe.

A P R F A T W A I N I I T OAcp ^th, and last. It is earnestly requested, that the whole regi-

vjKtAI WALINUI O A -> t. ment will be careful not to tread on each other's heels ; and

•'Andoh,itwaSi1utsforthedeTiltocrackl"-MooKE. none but Officers will be allowed to wear eye-glasses or

spectacles.

Among other odd theories, we have one, that some men were never children
—that, if we except their size at the time of their birth, they were in all other
respects adults ; mentally full-grown ; /^-Minervas, albeitfor a period doomed
to long clothes and swaddling bands. " Colonel H. D. Campbell, of North-
End, near Kingston, Portsea," must we think be one of these privileged beings.
He, it is plain, from the short newspaper history we are about to quote, was

By Order of the Court,

W. White, Secretary.

THE KING of the FRENCH and the CITIZENS.
Louis-Philippe has quite enchanted the Corporation by his
never a boy. He has known nothing of the temptations of childhood-life in the ' urbanity, though his confounding Sir Claudius Hunter with

shape of walnuts « hanging over a garden wall." SlR Peter Laur\k Pr0/eS that 1 * ™VTessi™ cre^d b^ the

t^z- Q +. i___f r> . , , , , latter was somewhat of an evanescent character. 1 he answer

Before the solemnity of a Portsmouth tribunal was " a little boy, named tQ the addre8S of the Clt :s> it seems, not to be simply copied

John Hoare, arraigned for knocking three walnuts « of the value of one : m the ordinaryiuk of everyday life, but it is to be engraved, so

farthing off the branch of a tree, the property of the aforesaid Colonel that e one' of the Corporation may have a copy of it. We

Campbell. The culprit had been abetted in his iniquity by three other boys, understand that the copy is to be carefully made from the

Two of them escaped, but the third, for the ends of justice, was induced to i original in the heart of Sir Peter Laurie, who has solemnly

turn himself inside out as Queen's evidence. John Hoare, however, evidently declared that the address is engraved there, and will continue

bronzed in crime, pleaded guilty to the charge. Whereupon, the little walnut

ruffian was sentenced to be "imprisoned and kept to labour fourteen days."

This appalling story is very pithily related in the Hampshire Independent, from

which we gather the further comforting intelligence that the police are keeping

a sharp look out for the two escaped criminals, " in order to bring them to

justice !" Happy is Hampshire in such a police ! " Oh, Justice," cried the

French patriot, " what tomfoolery, what wickedness is often done in thy

name !"

We think our readers—at least some of them—will now accord in our
theory, that there are men who have never been boys ; and that stern lovers
of justice, like unto Colonel Campbell, are among the privileged. Other-
wise, the Colonel, remembering his school-boy days, when apples smiled at
him from over a wall—when walnuts, audible to his heart, cried " knock me
down"—would have rebuked, or angrily shook his fist at the offending John
Hoare, or have threatened him with horsewhipping,—but, certainly, with a
thought of the frailty of the flesh of boyhood in the matter of fruit hanging

to be engraved there as long as the proprietor of the engraving
is in existence, _

Advertisement for Tongues.

A certain " Y. Z." of Wandsworth, advertizes in the
Times for " an active young woman who can speak French
and work well at her needle, as Housemaid, in a small family."
A small touch of Chinese and Arabic would, of course, not be
objectionable. We may next expect an advertisement for
u a getter up of fine linen, who can use the Italian iron, and
read Dante."

Nothing Surprising. — We regret to hear that Louis-
Philippe suffered dreadfully, during the night he spent at
Dover, from the night-mare. His medical attendants attri-
buted it to apprehension of the visit from the corporation at
day-break.