Punch (27.1854)

100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SCENE—PALAIS ROYAL.

Gar con (to London Gent). " Voila ! M'sieu ! Le Charivari—French—a Punch.
Good Morning, Sake ! On, I speak Inglees verra well—I live Inglees
Coffee tree Munse. Oh yas—all right !—nevare hind ! ! "

[Jumps over three chairs, and vanishes, to the great astonishment of TOMKINS.

SING A TE DEUM !

I've killed far above half a million of men,

And more of them subjects, I reckon, than foes ■„
And expect to destroy full as many again,
Ere my blessed existence shall come to a close.
qui 2* oj Te J)eum ; sing tol-de-rol-lol.
1 don't care if they batter Sebastopol!

As long as I've legions to lay down their lives,
And throw themselves under the Juggernaut Car,

Which my pride o'er their grovelling carcases driveSj
I'm determined that I will continue the war.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

It little will vex me if Cronstadt should fall,
I've a plan that will make the invaders retire,

For the fiddle I '11 play as I sit on a wall,

While St. Petersburg blazes—by me set on fire.

Sing a Te Deum, &c. >

Whilst I have a hangman, a knout, and a stick,
To drive my battalions, like beasts, to the field ;

Or the point of a sword, the retreating to prick,
Regardless of carnage, I never will yield.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

Pll pillage and bum as the champion of pure
Christianity ; playing the gentle and meek ;

And Pll quote from the Psalms with a visage demure,
And Pll shoulder the Cross with my tongue in my cheek.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

Let ruin and beggary stalk o'er my land,

My peasants may starve and my merchants may smash ;
Go on to the Deuce ! is my word of command:

I have not got a conscience, and don't care a dash.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

I know I'm a great inconvenience to some,
And should in my person dislike to be hurt;

So, perpending the grief 1 o which tyrants oft come,
I shall take the precaution to wear a mail shirt.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

To partake of my meals, ere a morsel I taste,
I '11 have a dog, when I sup, breakfast, or dine,

And a slave at the back of my chair shall be placed,
And the fellow shall drink first the half of my wine.
Sing a Te Deum, &c.

A MOCK JENKINS AT THE PALACE.

Jenkins is weak enough—even though his be sometimes an " amiable
weakness" and means no harm—but a mock Jenkins is in literature
what mockery would be to mock-turtle in the world of soups, or imi-
tation Walker , in the region of sham champagnes. We regret to
perceive that there are several imitation Jenkinses, whom we can only
compare to a species of mocking bird flitting about the columns of
the newspaper press. They are seen perching sometimes on the window-
sills of the palace, and sometimes on the area railings of the houses of
the nobility, and after picking up what they can they hop off to the
offices of some of the would-be fashionable journals. This feathered
tribe will often indulge in such hoaxes as would entitle them to rank
as "humming-birds," and we are disposed to believe that the qualities
of the " humming-bird" are displayed in a recent account of some
alleged festivities at Osborne on Prince Albert's birthday.

We are told, that on the occasion spoken of, there were "jumping in
sacks, wheeling barrows blindfolded," and other fooleries, to which the
name of " Rural old English Sports " is usually given. "Among the
rest" we are told there were several candidates for a prize, "who
had their hands fastened behind them, and the task was to bring forth,
from tubs of meal, money thrown therein, with their mouths." The
report adds, that "as they raised their heads covered with flour, their
ludicrous appearance created roars of laughter." Now, as the regular
Coun Newsman says nothing of all this, and as the great original
Jenkins is silent on the subject, we must regard the whole affair
as a weak invention of Ihe Mock Jenkins, who has lately got posses-
sion of tne penny-a-liner's " flimsy." We cannot believe that "jumping
■a sacks," the fun of which consists in the probability that the jumpers
may fall and receive some personal damage, can have been provided as
" a dainty dish to set before the Queen " on Prince Albert's birthday,
nor do we think that Her Majesty would have looked on with de-
light at the disgusting exhibition of a number of degraded beings

trying to lick up filthy lucre by the still more filthy process of digging
their tongues into sacks of flour.

We have no doubt there are always about the court a sufficient
number of mealy-mouthed people, without adding to the quantity by
the nasty process of plunging a variety of mouths into a sack of meal
in the very presence of the Sovereign and her family. We can only
say that if such " sports" were really provided on the occasion, the
Master of the Revels seems to be as much behind the taste of the age
as he is, no doubt, behind that of the Royal lady whose favour he
hoped to propitiate.

NEW NAMES POR THE NAVY.
With considerable pleasure we see from the Times that—

" The greatest activity prevails in our dockyards. Several line-of-battle ships have
lately been laid down, and are already in an advanced stage of forwardness."

When these ships are launched, we suppose it will be ihe duty of the
Government to officiate as godfather, and as we are decidedly of those
who think there's something in a name, notwithstanding Shakspere's
purely nominal objection, we would suggest that the style of naval
nomenclature in use hitherto should be discarded as being now com-
pletely out of date and inappropriate. It is proverbially advised that
we should "call a spade a spade," and such bellicose titles as the
Bulldog, the Terrible, the Vengeance, or the Fury, sound to us imposing
only in the sense of make-pretence. The peaceful war policy of our
present Government would, we think, be indicated far more correctly
by such names as the Lamb, the Reluctant, the Forbearance, the_ Harm-
less, and our ships would thus no longer be sailing under false titles, as
seems to be the case, especially in the Plack Sea, just at present.

Our Sanitary Report.—The best Chalk Mixture: London Milk,