Punch (66.1874)

April 4, 1874.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

145

THE INTER-UNIVERSITY TOURNAMENT.

unch’s University
Correspondent in-
forms him that, but
for the failure of
certain arrange-
ments of detail, the
following competi-
tions would have
been added to the
annual Oxford and
Cambridge boat-
race, athletic sports,
and matches at bil-
liards, rackets, and
chess:—

First, a grand
oratorical display be-
tween the Presidents
of the Oxford and
Cambridge _ Union
Societies, assisted by
the foremost spea-
kers of those bodies.
The subject of de-
bate to be ethico-
political. Inductive
argument, or gesti-
culation of any kind,
strictly forbidden. Dr. Kenealy, O.C., to be sole referee and
umpire. The arrangements unfortunately fell through, as the
Speaker did not in sufficient time express an intention of placing
the floor and tea-room of the House of Commons at the disposal of
the competitors.

Secondly, a grand Inter-University Pea-shooting contest. Condi-
tions of the match to be that a private omnibus be hired for the
conveyance of the competitors, and the same to be driven at a foot’s
ace from the Marble Arch to Regent’s Circus. The rival candi-
ates, in their proper colours, to be ranged back to back on the
“knifeboard” of the vehicle, and the victory to be adjudged to that
University whose representatives received, the greatest number of
summonses from outraged pedestrians.

Thirdly, a Match, four a side, for the most stunningly-dressed
Undergraduates. The rival representatives to walk arm-in-arm
once up and down Regent Street, at three o’clock in the afternoon.
Captains to toss for choice of the sunny side of the street. Masonic
regalia not allowable.

Finally, a grand game of Draughts, to be played at Exeter Hall.
Doors to he open at eight p.h. Six representative players of each
University. The conditions of the match to be that each pair shall play
three games; time to be called at eleven p.ai. The losers to pay all
expenses incidental to the hire of the Hall. The general public to
be admitted by half-guinea tickets. The proceeds, if any, to go to
the liquidation of the National Debt.

The revived Olympian Games were to have closed with an Inter-
University Bull-dog Show at the Agricultural Hall, and an Exhibi-
tion of coloured Meerschaums at the Albert Ditto, with a massive
gold medal for the ugliest canine and the loveliest clay, bearing the
motto “ Detur digniori,” to be awarded by Her Gracious Majesty
in person.

OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.

At the Criterion and generally Round About.

Sir,

The Criterion, “which,” the proprietors would probably
say, if they had any leisure for joking, “ is not a criterion to go
by, but one to enter,”—possesses one of the prettiest, if not quite
the _ prettiest (and 1 don’t think, as the fat boy said, “I knows
a nicerer”) theatre in London. It is most elegant in its fittings,
furniture, and decorations; and the one fault in its stalls is, that
the backs of the seats are at such an angle to their base, as to
render a passage between the rows embarrassing and unpleasant.
It’s all very well to say that the seats are moveable, and that
the sitters can make room for you to pass if they are only willing
to do so. But, as a rule, they are not willing. An Englishman
once seated in a place of amusement regards every new arrival
who may have to pass him as a borish intruder. By sacrificing
one line of stalls, the comfort of the passer-by and the squatter
would be secured; and this is worth consideration. In every other
respect the interior of the Theatre seemed to Your Representative
to be all that one could desire. Like the Athenee in Paris, and
the Opera Comique, the Criterion Theatre is dans le cave; but—

“ I have been there, and still would go ;

'Tis like a little Heaven below;”

that is, in a theatrical sense. Also, Your Representative must
qualify the expression, “still would go,” by adding, “when
Topsyturvydom is out of the bill.” But for one song, tellingly
rendered by Miss Holland, it would have been all up with this
wearisome piece. The idea, not a new one, was whimsical enough
in itself, and would do, as it has done already, well enough
on paper, or, when grotesquely illustrated, in a scene of a Panto-
mime, or Extravaganza. Since the first night, Topsyturvydom,
which commenced its unhappy career at the bottom of the bill,
has been placed at the top, so as to be as much out of the way
as possible, and perhaps, ere this appears, it will have been rele-
gated to the limbo of Theatrical failures, in company with the
Blue Legged Lady, Charity, and the Second Act of Committed for
Trial. In those dismal Realms of Joy, dramatis personce from the
Palace of Truth, Happy Arcadia, and Creatures of Impulse, may
meet together, bemoan their sad fate, think what they might have
been if they only had their chances over again and could unite
in making one good piece all together, instead of being compelled
to suffer the consequences of being brought into the world as the
weak offspring of a thoroughly worn-out idea.

From this melancholy spectacle—it wasn’t a spectacle at all in
the theatrical sense—it is refreshing to turn to Mr. Byron’s
American Lady, emphatically Mr. Byron’s American Lady and
nobody else’s. There is a plot, as there was in the same author’s
Haunted Houses (does any one remember this remarkably ingenious
play at the Adelphi ?), Your Representative will on oath depose to
its existence ; at the same time he must take this opportunity of
expressing his unbounded admiration of the detective-like faculties
of the critics who actually discovered, and published it next morn-
ing. The dialogue sparkled in the gaslight, and the author, who
himself played one of the characters, had taken care that all his
lines should be cast in pleasant places. Every line he threw out
furnished with a sharp hook, well baited, caught its fish.

Of course, given such a subject as an American Lady, and there is
no one in town to play it like Mrs. John Wood. If Mrs. Wood
will not play in Operas Bouffes, and when suited with a bouffe part,
she is incomparable, well—you can’t deal with her as the bird, that
can sing but won’t sing, is treated in the proverb.

So much for the Criterion, and now for a look round.

Philip is still “ on his way through the ‘ theatrical’ world,” at the
Lyceum, but I have not yet discovered who sings that boat-song,
“Ohe! Ohe! on the banks of the Guadalquivir,” behind the
scenes ? Is it, or is it not, Mr. Hamilton Aide himself ? Juan
should be described in the bills in the old fashion thus—

Juan (with a song, without), Mr. Clayton.

If Philip becomes a stock drama, Juan will, I suppose, fall to the
singing comedian who is usually cast for Sir Harry in the School
for Scandal.

There is some talk of reviving “ Charles his friend” during the
season (I mean Mr. Wills’s Charles), and on dit that the Bells are
to be heard again. This is ringing the changes. Then there’s to
be Mr. Toole at the Globe at Easter, in a new piece by Mr.
Albery. The Clandestine Marriage, and much work for the Opera
Bouffe department at the Gaiety about the same time.

“0 what a season we are having!” is, I hear, to be the cry.
The German Reed troupe opens at St. George’s Hall, and Lecoq’s
new Comic Opera is to be played by the Belgian Company in London
somewhere about June.

I am informed by a gentleman who kindly represented Your
Representative in his stall at M. Humbert’s Theatre at Brussels,
that in some respects Girofle is better than Madame Angot.
Another gentleman, equally trustworthy, told me it wasn’t any-
thing of the sort.

The former said it was merely an ordinary Comic Opera; the
latter that it was a regular Opera Bouffe under the name of Comic
Opera. The second was in ecstasies about the Pirate Chorus; the
first pooh-pooh’d the Pirate Chorus, observed ’twas a weak attempt
to repeat the Conspirators’ Chorus, and added that the morqeau was
the tenor-song.

One of my informants was very unwell on the voyage back, so
he may have been inclined to review the events of the premiere with
a jaundiced eye.

I present you with the above three-penn’orth of useful informa-
tion, and foreseeing much work in the Operatic and Dramatic
department, remain, as ever, Your Representative.

FASTS AND FESTIVALS.

Ritualism may draw considerably crowded churches by the
attraction of dresses and decorations, but its preachers have not
succeeded in impressing the British Public with an idea of the
difference between festive and penitential holidays. The Railway
Companies announce no end of Fast Trains to run on Good Friday.