Punch (79.1880)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 11, 1880.

A GREAT TEMPTATION TO VISIT SCOTLAND.

- ARMS HOTEL.—HIRING in all its Branches,

including a superior HEARSE; also a new BRAKE, seated
for Twenty. The only House running a Machine Daily to all
the principal Trains running to and from Eordoun Station. The
best and greatest variety of Machines, and the best Horses in the
locality are kept.

The best “ Machines ” we have for hire,

And nags so good they never tire ;

Excursions if you wish to take,

To moor or mountain, loch or lake,

To ancient town or ruin grey,

Or any place where you will pay,

All carriages that run or roll
Shall take you swiftly to your goal—

The roomy brake, the rattling trap,

The cart canine—without mishap ;

And if, like Leighton, you intend
At some snug inn your days to end,

Come to these “Arms,” in far N.B.,

They’ll take you in—for £ s. d.,

Provide a doctor and a nurse,

And find you “a Superior Hearse.”

A Great Claance.

Since the following advertisement appeared in the
Lincoln Gazette, there has been a tremendous rush for
the place.

TF there is any active young CRIER and BILL-POSTER
X out of a job, who can live on about Is. 2>d. per week, there

is a grand opening.—For particulars apply to -, sworn in

Town Crier and Bill-Poster, on liberal terms, Horncastle.

"We hasten to give it publicity. Why are there no
“ JSgoes ” this iveek f Is it possible that our esteemed

Contributor- But no-Anyhow, we ’ll telephone to

the Sworn Crier, and hear him swear on the subject.

A Card.

AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

Professional Temperance Orator. “Waiter, have you got any Soda-Water?”
Barman. “ Yessir—plenty, Sir. A Bottle of Soda, Sir?”

Prof. Temp. Orator {ostentatiously). “ A Bottle of Soda-Water, please; and
-(sotto wee)—I THINK YOU CAN PUT A GLASS OF BRANDY INTO IT ! ”

N Section of the British Association at Swansea was
entertained with a paper on “ The Required Amendments
of the Marriage Laws of the United Kingdom,” read by
Dr. Ace. If Dr. Ace treated this interesting subject in
a suitable spirit, he has entitled himself to be described
as the Ace of Hearts.

DIARY OF THE PREMIER AT SEA.

Thursday.—On board the Grantully Castle. Thousands assem-
bled on Pier at Gravesend—wanted me to make speech. Had to
say (by Doctor’s orders), “Very sorry, couldn’t oblige them, unac-
customed to public speaking,” &c. Assembled thousands disap-
pointed. I can see them now, however, consoling themselves by
tearing old labels from my luggage, which lies on Pier, as slight
mementoes of my visit.

Half-an-Hour later.—Have just stepped down into cabin. Luxu-
rious furniture, sofas, &c. A writing-table! Sat down at once,
wrote six post-cards, also letters to Bismarck, Soxtan, Ameer, and.
others ; also articles on Homeric Ships; and was beginning my Life

of Lord B-d, when Doctor came in, and said, “ Must not exert

brain.”

Hour later.—Luggage come on board. Boat seen approaching
with Mayor and an Address, also Deputation and Address from
Liberal Association. By Doctor’s advice we steer away. I attempt
to make slight speech to Liberal Deputation through speaking-
trumpet, but stopped by Doctor. Wish I’d learnt the dumb alpha-
bet. Will do so.

Evening— Just passed the Nore. Deputation and Address from
keeper of the.light-ship.

10 p.h.—Time to “ turn in.” Do so. Think of Hartington.
Wouldn’t be be glad to be able to “ turn in ” now !

Friday, 4 a.m.—Went on deck. Ordered back to bed by Doctor.
However, when be left cabin, lit candle, wrote sixteen post-cards.
Knock at door. Captain, Mr. Donald Currie, Doctor, my family,
several M.P.’s, most of the crew, and the man at the wheel, outside,
imploring me to husband my strength. Why “husband” ? Why not
“ wife” ? Note for pamphlet on Mixed Marriages or Husbandry.

8 a.m.—Go on deck. Deputation and Address from occupants of
passing fishing-boat. Gratifying ; hut causes delay. Jib, spanker,
and topgallant Hying, I think. {Mem,—Write Work on Navigation
this evening.)

10 a.m.—Have just discovered that man-at-wheel is a Tory. Very
distressing. And I mayn’t speak to him. Doctor’s orders to me;
captain’s orders to him. Gave him a few copies of Midlothian
speeches. He wants to know where Midlothian is. Query—Does
this bring question of disfranchising man at wheel within the sphere
of practical politics ?

12 Noon.—“ I stood on bridge at mid-day.” (Not “ midnight,” as
Longfellow says. N.B.—Post-card to Longfellow to-night, cor-
recting his error.)

Weymouth.—Grantully Castle surrounded with boats. Thousands
of bathing-machine women, and children with spades, cheering on
beach. Deputation and Address from local Liberals. Beg me to
come on shore, lay foundation-stone of new Liberal Club, tell them
last reports from Afghanistan, make political speech,. but, above all,
to husband my strength. Note.—Is not an “ h ” omitted in Whey-
mouth ? Write article for Magazine on this and on Cowes.

Off Portland.—Inhabitants of whole South of England collected
on Portland Bill. They wave handkerchiefs, and ask for speech. I
explain principle of Hares and Rabbits Bill through speaking-
trumpet. Doctor begs me to stop.

Plymouth—Tory stronghold. Inhabitants all assemble, and.cheer.
Query—Reaction ? Deputation and Address from local Anti-Vac-
cinators. Doctor very angry. I retire to cabin. Hear of all-night
Sitting in House of Commons ! Would that I were there ! I try to
escape to London by one of the boats returning to shore. Caught by
Doctor. Forced to stay. Very provoking. Next time must travel

with a box of disguises. Made up as B-d I might escape notice.

Telegrams to Hartington, Forster, Dilke, &c. Propose to Cap-
tain to invite Messrs. Biggar, Parnell, Sullivan, &c., to accom-
pany us on voyage. Captain objects—fears disturbance on hoard.
I tell him he shall have compensation for any disturbance. He
asks, “What compensation?” I reply, he to pay £100 to each
Home-Ruler. Strange, he doesn’t see where the compensation comes
in exactly.

Off Scilly Isles.—Originally, of course, Scytta. But what s
become of Charybdis? What is the Scotch song about “Scylla