DOI issue:
October 30, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17764#0211
Our Commissioner. All nonsense ? How’s that ?
Worshipful Master. Why for instance now, I ’ye three apprentices
to whom I am bound to teach the art and mystery of bellows-mend-
ing ; but they don’t want to learn them, and, if they did, I couldn’t
teach them. One is the son of a Baronet, another of an M.P., and,
another of an eminent literary swell.
Our Commissioner. Have you any trust funds ?
Worshipful Master. Oh yes. A Mr. Smith left us a little estate
in the City, some three hundred years ago, which produced £20
a-year, of which we were to pay £5 to the Church of St. Bennet-
shere-the-hog; £5 to the poor of Bullock Smithy ; £5 for coats or
gowns for five poor men of St. Michael the Queer; and the rest to
ourselves for our trouble.
Our Commissioner. Very good. And what does the estate pro-
duce now ?
Worshipful Master. About £2000 a-year.
Our Commissioner. Dear me ! And how do you divide it ?
. Worshipful Master. Exactly in accordance with the will of the
pious founder.
Our Commissioner. Quite right, quite right? In four equal
portions, 1 presume ?
Worshipful Master. Oh dear me, no ! We still give £5 for each
of the charitable purposes specified, and keep the balance, as directed
by the pious founder.
_ Our Commissioner. You don’t mean to say that out of £2000, you
distribute £15 in charity, and keep £1985 for yourselves ?
Worshipfid Master. Oh yes we do, in strict accordance with the
will of the pious founder.
Our Commissioner. Pious Fiddlesticks! Think you he could ever
have intended to give you £1985 for your trouble in distributing £15 ?
Worshipful Master. It is not for us to judge of the intentions of
so good a man ; all I know is that we stick to his words. Will you
allow me to add, Sir, that we all think it very strange that we can’t
be let alone. We are all satisfied, we don’t complain, we are all
loyal and contented subjects, we loathe the very name of Deform,
we always drink Church and Queen at our modest repasts, we are,
in fact, model Citizens. What more do you want ? Do you want to
make us discontented like mere Irishmen ?
Our Commissioner. Yes, that’s just what the contented burglar
would say, when enjoying a successful coup.
Worshipful Master. Oh, pray, Sir, don’t utter such bitter truths.
Our Commissioner. Let us resume, Sir. Do you receive any salary ?
Worshipful Master. Salary! Oh dear me, no; not a single farthing.
Our Commissioner. Any fees ?
Worshipful Master. Some few, of a most trivial character.
Our Commissioner. What do they amount to P
Worshipful Master. Hot above a poor £500 a year.
Our Commissioner. £500 a year ! What do your relations get ?
Worshipful Master. My brother gets the same as myself ; my
nephew about £1000 a year ; my son, the clerk, a poor £2000 ; my
two aunts about £100 a year; and my three nephews about £150.
Our Commissioner. Bless my soul! that makes over £4000 a year.
Worshipful Master (after a pause). Yes, I find, upon calculation,
you are right, as usual.
Our Commissioner. Have you no compunctious visitings of con-
science ?
Worshipful Master. Thank goodness, I am not one of those pests
of society, a thoroughly conscientious man.
Our Commissioner. I wonder your dinners don’t choke you.
Worshipful Master. On the contrary, I find that a good diges-
tion waits on appetite, and health on both.
Our Commissioner. I think I have learnt enough from you to-day.
Worshipful Master. Thank you, Sir. But, before I leave, allow
me to hand you a ticket of invitation for our next Court Dinner,
which will be a specially grand one.
Our Commissioner. Shall I find any £5 notes under my plate ?
Worshipful Master. Excuse me, if I say, “Ask no rude questions,
and I’ll tell you no rude stories.” Come and see ! [Exit,
By the Way.—It seems natural to speak of the pavement in.
front of the New Law Courts as the Causeway.
CHARIVARI. 203
A COMPREHENSIVE VIEW OE AMERICAN
POLITICS.
Any English. Boy. Will you, please Papa, explain
to me this Presidential Election which is going on now
in America ?
Any English Father. With pleasure, my dear boy.
Well, you see, the Americans are divided into Democrats
and Republicans.
Boy. But I thought all Americans were Republicans.
Father. Oh yes, of course they are ; but, you see, they
must have parties, or there would be no election, so
they call themselves Democrats and Republicans.
Boy. What’s the difference between a Democrat and
a Republican F
Father. Oh, ah, well, you know, the difference between
a Conservative and a Liberal. It’s like that.
Boy. Yes, Papa. And is a Democrat a Conservative,
and a Republican a Liberal, or is it the other way ?
Father. Well, you see, one’s one and the other’s the
other. After all, there is really not much difference.
Boy. No, Papa. And do these people vote ?
Father. Yes, my lad, of course they do.
Boy. And have they a House of Commons ?
Father. They have two Houses—Congress and Senate.
Boy. And which is the House of Lords—the Senate, or
Congress ?
Father. Why, Congress—no, Senate. They haven’t
got a House of Lords. There are no Lords there. Repub-
licans don’t have Lords, and you know that the Ameri-
cans are Republicans.
Boy. But you said some were Democrats, Papa.
Father. Oh bother! Hold your tongue! Where ’e
Harcourt ?
“Bound About Town.”
Our Travelling Fellow was so exhausted after the
Gresham Lecture last week, that he has not yet come
round. We sent some one to bring him round, but at
present all remedies have failed. He is just now sup-
posed to be lost in contemplation of the Griffin on the
Temple Bar Memorial, but we trust that in our next he
will return to adorn his own column in these pages.
“Just as I cm.” By Miss Braddon. Yes; sensa-
tional : just as she was.
October 30, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON
CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.
“ And where did these Drtjids live, Tommy ? ”
“They lived in Groves of Oak.”
“ And in what particular Ceremony were they engaged once a year ? ”
“ Er—let me see—Oh ! in Kissing under the Mistletoe ! ”
Worshipful Master. Why for instance now, I ’ye three apprentices
to whom I am bound to teach the art and mystery of bellows-mend-
ing ; but they don’t want to learn them, and, if they did, I couldn’t
teach them. One is the son of a Baronet, another of an M.P., and,
another of an eminent literary swell.
Our Commissioner. Have you any trust funds ?
Worshipful Master. Oh yes. A Mr. Smith left us a little estate
in the City, some three hundred years ago, which produced £20
a-year, of which we were to pay £5 to the Church of St. Bennet-
shere-the-hog; £5 to the poor of Bullock Smithy ; £5 for coats or
gowns for five poor men of St. Michael the Queer; and the rest to
ourselves for our trouble.
Our Commissioner. Very good. And what does the estate pro-
duce now ?
Worshipful Master. About £2000 a-year.
Our Commissioner. Dear me ! And how do you divide it ?
. Worshipful Master. Exactly in accordance with the will of the
pious founder.
Our Commissioner. Quite right, quite right? In four equal
portions, 1 presume ?
Worshipful Master. Oh dear me, no ! We still give £5 for each
of the charitable purposes specified, and keep the balance, as directed
by the pious founder.
_ Our Commissioner. You don’t mean to say that out of £2000, you
distribute £15 in charity, and keep £1985 for yourselves ?
Worshipfid Master. Oh yes we do, in strict accordance with the
will of the pious founder.
Our Commissioner. Pious Fiddlesticks! Think you he could ever
have intended to give you £1985 for your trouble in distributing £15 ?
Worshipful Master. It is not for us to judge of the intentions of
so good a man ; all I know is that we stick to his words. Will you
allow me to add, Sir, that we all think it very strange that we can’t
be let alone. We are all satisfied, we don’t complain, we are all
loyal and contented subjects, we loathe the very name of Deform,
we always drink Church and Queen at our modest repasts, we are,
in fact, model Citizens. What more do you want ? Do you want to
make us discontented like mere Irishmen ?
Our Commissioner. Yes, that’s just what the contented burglar
would say, when enjoying a successful coup.
Worshipful Master. Oh, pray, Sir, don’t utter such bitter truths.
Our Commissioner. Let us resume, Sir. Do you receive any salary ?
Worshipful Master. Salary! Oh dear me, no; not a single farthing.
Our Commissioner. Any fees ?
Worshipful Master. Some few, of a most trivial character.
Our Commissioner. What do they amount to P
Worshipful Master. Hot above a poor £500 a year.
Our Commissioner. £500 a year ! What do your relations get ?
Worshipful Master. My brother gets the same as myself ; my
nephew about £1000 a year ; my son, the clerk, a poor £2000 ; my
two aunts about £100 a year; and my three nephews about £150.
Our Commissioner. Bless my soul! that makes over £4000 a year.
Worshipful Master (after a pause). Yes, I find, upon calculation,
you are right, as usual.
Our Commissioner. Have you no compunctious visitings of con-
science ?
Worshipful Master. Thank goodness, I am not one of those pests
of society, a thoroughly conscientious man.
Our Commissioner. I wonder your dinners don’t choke you.
Worshipful Master. On the contrary, I find that a good diges-
tion waits on appetite, and health on both.
Our Commissioner. I think I have learnt enough from you to-day.
Worshipful Master. Thank you, Sir. But, before I leave, allow
me to hand you a ticket of invitation for our next Court Dinner,
which will be a specially grand one.
Our Commissioner. Shall I find any £5 notes under my plate ?
Worshipful Master. Excuse me, if I say, “Ask no rude questions,
and I’ll tell you no rude stories.” Come and see ! [Exit,
By the Way.—It seems natural to speak of the pavement in.
front of the New Law Courts as the Causeway.
CHARIVARI. 203
A COMPREHENSIVE VIEW OE AMERICAN
POLITICS.
Any English. Boy. Will you, please Papa, explain
to me this Presidential Election which is going on now
in America ?
Any English Father. With pleasure, my dear boy.
Well, you see, the Americans are divided into Democrats
and Republicans.
Boy. But I thought all Americans were Republicans.
Father. Oh yes, of course they are ; but, you see, they
must have parties, or there would be no election, so
they call themselves Democrats and Republicans.
Boy. What’s the difference between a Democrat and
a Republican F
Father. Oh, ah, well, you know, the difference between
a Conservative and a Liberal. It’s like that.
Boy. Yes, Papa. And is a Democrat a Conservative,
and a Republican a Liberal, or is it the other way ?
Father. Well, you see, one’s one and the other’s the
other. After all, there is really not much difference.
Boy. No, Papa. And do these people vote ?
Father. Yes, my lad, of course they do.
Boy. And have they a House of Commons ?
Father. They have two Houses—Congress and Senate.
Boy. And which is the House of Lords—the Senate, or
Congress ?
Father. Why, Congress—no, Senate. They haven’t
got a House of Lords. There are no Lords there. Repub-
licans don’t have Lords, and you know that the Ameri-
cans are Republicans.
Boy. But you said some were Democrats, Papa.
Father. Oh bother! Hold your tongue! Where ’e
Harcourt ?
“Bound About Town.”
Our Travelling Fellow was so exhausted after the
Gresham Lecture last week, that he has not yet come
round. We sent some one to bring him round, but at
present all remedies have failed. He is just now sup-
posed to be lost in contemplation of the Griffin on the
Temple Bar Memorial, but we trust that in our next he
will return to adorn his own column in these pages.
“Just as I cm.” By Miss Braddon. Yes; sensa-
tional : just as she was.
October 30, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON
CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.
“ And where did these Drtjids live, Tommy ? ”
“They lived in Groves of Oak.”
“ And in what particular Ceremony were they engaged once a year ? ”
“ Er—let me see—Oh ! in Kissing under the Mistletoe ! ”