DOI issue:
July 9, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0015
July 9, 1892.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
9
A FUTURE DIPLOMAT.
"mummie, bear, you haven't given me enough sugar for my straw-
berries !" (Mummie helps him to some more sugar.) "Now, Mummie, you
haven't given me enough Strawberries for my Sogar ! "
[Mummie helps him to more Strawberries !
ELECTION NOTES.
{By Mr. Punch's Special Commissioner.)
The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets party flags are
waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden beneath vast posters,
setting forth the merits of the rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers
held a private meeting last night. I was, however, enabled to be present
having disguised myself as Mr. Blackford, one of the Vice-Presidents of the
Association, who was taken ill at the last moment, and whose letter of excuse
for non-attendance I managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with
prayer, on the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, the discussion
began. A series of questions had, it appears, been addressed to both Candidates.
Here they are :—
(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign jam-stuffs ?
(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London Co-
operative Stores to sell only J am manufactured by the Bunkham Jam-Dealers'
Association ?
(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising generation
of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham Jam ? And will you
therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic
rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room cupboards ?
(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries?
(5) Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam not manufactured
in the Bunkham district ?
Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was generally felt that
on the answers to the fourth question the vote of the meeting would depend.
Bunkham is a district in which raspberries and gooseberries are almost exclu-
sively grown. Now it is well-known that Mr. Pledger, the Liberal Candidate,
has an almost passionate affection for strawberry-jam, and much interest was
shown as to whether he would be true to his favourite food, or renounce it
in order to capture votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman
refused to palter with his convictions. In a manly and straightforward answer,
he declined to be a party to " a system of espionage which had invaded the break-
fast table, and might go far to make even luncheon intolerable."
" Prom my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in the conviction,
that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is both the
best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace myself
if I were now, at the eleventh hour, to declare a pre-
ference which I do not honestly feel for gooseberry or
raspberry."
Ihis, of course, settled the matter. Mr. Tuff an
declared emphatically against the obnoxious strawberry;
and the result was that the Association, by an enormous
majority, decided to support him. The Liberals were at
first much discouraged, but they have now taken heart
again. One of their Canvassers, it seems, has succeeded
in making himself a persona grata to a lady who occupies
the position of under-housemaid in the establishment
of the Tuffans. Through her he obtained an empty pot
of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the Tuff an
family. This has been fixed upon a long pole, with a
placard underneath it, to the following effect:—
Taken from Tuffan's Table !
Yote for PLEDGER, and Honest Convictions!
And the device is now being carried all over the Town by
the Junior Liberal Association.
The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are
confident, but, on the whole, after reviewing all the cir-
cumstances of the case as impartially as possible, taking
into account everything that tells for or against both
parties, and not forgetting the effect produced by the
public secession of Mr. Honeydew, the tobacconist, and
Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe
in the victory of Mr. Pledger ; that is to say, unless Mr.
Tuffan should manage to secure a sufficient number of
votes to defeat his opponent. Yours &c,
The Man in the Moon.
ME. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS.
To the Electors of the United Kingdom !
I, PUNCH, who shoot at follies, and have wing'd 'em
For fifty years, and shall for fifty more,
Greet ye ! It were to force an open door
To ask ye one and all, to give your votes
To ME! There, there, my boys! don't strain your
throats!
My tympanum is tender. Punch rejoices
To listen once more to " your most sweet voices,"
Only you need not howl and make them raucous.
I'm not a Party Nominee, no Caucus
Has wire-pulLed Me ! I'd like to see 'em d© so!
I am Man Friday to no party Crusoe.
Salisbury, Gladstone, Balfour, Harcourt, Goschen,
Are all on my Committee. Morley's notion
(Shared for the nonce by Joe the shrewd and able),
Is, that it's safe to sit at my Round Table,
Where they all hob-a-nob as friends, not foes !
E'en the Macullum More cocks not his nose
Too high in Punch's presence ; he knows better !
Supremacy unchallenged is a fetter
E'en to patrician pride, provincial vanity;
Scot modesty, and Birmingham urbanity.
Bow at my shrine, because they can't resist.
Thus I'm the only genuine Unionist,
While all the same, my British Public you '11 err,
If you conceive I'm not a firm Home-Ruler.
Perpend! There's sense and truth in my suggestions,
And therefore, do not ask superfluous questions.
You might as fitly paint Dame Venus freckled,
As fancy Punch will stoop to being "heckled."
I have no " Programmes," I. My wit's too wide
To a wire-puller's " platform " to be tied.
I know what's right. I mean to see it done,
And for the rest good-tempered chaff and fun
Are my pet "principles "—till fools grow rash
From toleration, then they feel the lash.
I am a sage, and not a prig or pump,
Therefore I never canvas, spout or stump,
I'm Liberal—as the sunlight—of all Good,
Which to Conserve I strive—that's understood,
But Tory nincompoop, or rowdy Rad,
The thrall of bigotry, the fool of fad
I hate alike. There 's the straight tip, my bloaters !
Now run and vote for Punch—all who are voters;
And if some few have not that boon indeed,
Well those who cannot run at least can read.
There ! that's enough, my lads ! I'm off to lunch,
You, go and do your duty ; plump for $}Wfi$<8ffl 11!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
9
A FUTURE DIPLOMAT.
"mummie, bear, you haven't given me enough sugar for my straw-
berries !" (Mummie helps him to some more sugar.) "Now, Mummie, you
haven't given me enough Strawberries for my Sogar ! "
[Mummie helps him to more Strawberries !
ELECTION NOTES.
{By Mr. Punch's Special Commissioner.)
The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets party flags are
waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden beneath vast posters,
setting forth the merits of the rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers
held a private meeting last night. I was, however, enabled to be present
having disguised myself as Mr. Blackford, one of the Vice-Presidents of the
Association, who was taken ill at the last moment, and whose letter of excuse
for non-attendance I managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with
prayer, on the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, the discussion
began. A series of questions had, it appears, been addressed to both Candidates.
Here they are :—
(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign jam-stuffs ?
(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London Co-
operative Stores to sell only J am manufactured by the Bunkham Jam-Dealers'
Association ?
(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising generation
of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham Jam ? And will you
therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic
rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room cupboards ?
(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries?
(5) Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam not manufactured
in the Bunkham district ?
Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was generally felt that
on the answers to the fourth question the vote of the meeting would depend.
Bunkham is a district in which raspberries and gooseberries are almost exclu-
sively grown. Now it is well-known that Mr. Pledger, the Liberal Candidate,
has an almost passionate affection for strawberry-jam, and much interest was
shown as to whether he would be true to his favourite food, or renounce it
in order to capture votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman
refused to palter with his convictions. In a manly and straightforward answer,
he declined to be a party to " a system of espionage which had invaded the break-
fast table, and might go far to make even luncheon intolerable."
" Prom my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in the conviction,
that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is both the
best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace myself
if I were now, at the eleventh hour, to declare a pre-
ference which I do not honestly feel for gooseberry or
raspberry."
Ihis, of course, settled the matter. Mr. Tuff an
declared emphatically against the obnoxious strawberry;
and the result was that the Association, by an enormous
majority, decided to support him. The Liberals were at
first much discouraged, but they have now taken heart
again. One of their Canvassers, it seems, has succeeded
in making himself a persona grata to a lady who occupies
the position of under-housemaid in the establishment
of the Tuffans. Through her he obtained an empty pot
of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the Tuff an
family. This has been fixed upon a long pole, with a
placard underneath it, to the following effect:—
Taken from Tuffan's Table !
Yote for PLEDGER, and Honest Convictions!
And the device is now being carried all over the Town by
the Junior Liberal Association.
The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are
confident, but, on the whole, after reviewing all the cir-
cumstances of the case as impartially as possible, taking
into account everything that tells for or against both
parties, and not forgetting the effect produced by the
public secession of Mr. Honeydew, the tobacconist, and
Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe
in the victory of Mr. Pledger ; that is to say, unless Mr.
Tuffan should manage to secure a sufficient number of
votes to defeat his opponent. Yours &c,
The Man in the Moon.
ME. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS.
To the Electors of the United Kingdom !
I, PUNCH, who shoot at follies, and have wing'd 'em
For fifty years, and shall for fifty more,
Greet ye ! It were to force an open door
To ask ye one and all, to give your votes
To ME! There, there, my boys! don't strain your
throats!
My tympanum is tender. Punch rejoices
To listen once more to " your most sweet voices,"
Only you need not howl and make them raucous.
I'm not a Party Nominee, no Caucus
Has wire-pulLed Me ! I'd like to see 'em d© so!
I am Man Friday to no party Crusoe.
Salisbury, Gladstone, Balfour, Harcourt, Goschen,
Are all on my Committee. Morley's notion
(Shared for the nonce by Joe the shrewd and able),
Is, that it's safe to sit at my Round Table,
Where they all hob-a-nob as friends, not foes !
E'en the Macullum More cocks not his nose
Too high in Punch's presence ; he knows better !
Supremacy unchallenged is a fetter
E'en to patrician pride, provincial vanity;
Scot modesty, and Birmingham urbanity.
Bow at my shrine, because they can't resist.
Thus I'm the only genuine Unionist,
While all the same, my British Public you '11 err,
If you conceive I'm not a firm Home-Ruler.
Perpend! There's sense and truth in my suggestions,
And therefore, do not ask superfluous questions.
You might as fitly paint Dame Venus freckled,
As fancy Punch will stoop to being "heckled."
I have no " Programmes," I. My wit's too wide
To a wire-puller's " platform " to be tied.
I know what's right. I mean to see it done,
And for the rest good-tempered chaff and fun
Are my pet "principles "—till fools grow rash
From toleration, then they feel the lash.
I am a sage, and not a prig or pump,
Therefore I never canvas, spout or stump,
I'm Liberal—as the sunlight—of all Good,
Which to Conserve I strive—that's understood,
But Tory nincompoop, or rowdy Rad,
The thrall of bigotry, the fool of fad
I hate alike. There 's the straight tip, my bloaters !
Now run and vote for Punch—all who are voters;
And if some few have not that boon indeed,
Well those who cannot run at least can read.
There ! that's enough, my lads ! I'm off to lunch,
You, go and do your duty ; plump for $}Wfi$<8ffl 11!