Punch (103.1892)

40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 30, 1892.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.

Host. "Take a little Whiskey before you go, Jones!"
Jones {after helping himself). "Thanks! May I pour you out some?"
Host. "Please—not too much—just about Half avhat you've given
Yourself ! "

THE TBAYELLEB.

{Modern Version by a Grateful Cook's Tourist.)

[Mr. Thomas Cook, originator of the great " Personally
Conducted" Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday
the 18th July, aged 84 years.]

"Remote, unfriended, melancholy slow,

Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po ?"

Nay, gentle Gold smith, it is thus no more,

None now need fear " the rude Carinthian boor,"

The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin,

Or e'en the predatory Bedouin.

Where'er we roam, whatever realms to see,

Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee.

From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look

In travelled ease, and bless the name of Cook !

Eternal blessings crown the wanderer's friend!

A.t Ludgate Hill may all the world attend.

Blest be that spot where the great world instructor

Assumed the role of Personal Conductor !

Blest be those " parties," with safe-conduct crowned,

Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round;

Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome,

The heights of Athens, or the walls of Rome,

Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe home.

" Let observation, with extensive view,

Survey mankind from China to Peru."

By all means, yes, or even further fare,

And Afric's forest huge and poisonous Pigmies dare.

But, to avoid the lonely traveller's pain,

From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain ;

As Amurath to Amurath succeeds,

So Cook to Cook ! Thomas's grandiose deeds

What Tourist may forget ? The great one's gone,

But his vast enterprise shall still march on.

What Thomas started, is pursued by John.

Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer,

" Great Cook is dead, long live Great Cook ! " we cheer.

Dark Doings.—Mrs. Martha Ricks, the emancipated
black slave, who came all the way from Liberia to pay
Her Gracious Majesty a morning call, may be now
known as "The Queen's Black Woman," or as a companion
silhouette to "Salisbury's Black Man." Of course she
will go back laden with valuable presents, quite a
wealthy old lady, or " Ricks Pecuniarum."

THE DUEEER IN POLITICS,

My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So very
remote from this condition are they, that they regard men of letters
as "awful men," in the Shakspearian sense of the word. Conse-
quently, since those papers began to appear, sometimes, in the pages
of Mr. Punch, I have risen in the general esteem. Even John Dhu
Macnab has been heard to admit, that though the Mac Duffer is
" nae gude ava' with the rod or the rifle, he's a fell ane with the pen
in his hand. Nae man kens what he means, he's that deep." In

consequence of the spread of this nattering
belief, I have been approached by various
local Parties, to sound my fathomless depths
as a possible Candidate.

First came a deputation of Jacobites. They
were all ladies, of different ages, young and
old ; all wore ornaments in which the locks of
Queen Mary, Charles the First, Prince
Charlie, and other Saints and Martyrs, were
conspicuously displayed. Would I stand as
a Jacobite ? they asked, and generally in the
interests of Romance and Royalism. I said
that I would be delighted ; but inquired as to
whether we had not better wait for Female
Suffrage. That seemed our best chance, I
said. They replied, that Flora Macdonald
had no vote, and what was good enough for
her was good enough for them. I tben hinted
that it would be well to know for which King,
or Queen, I was to unfurl the banner at Glenfinnon. I also suggested
that the modern Crofters did not seem likely to rally round us. The
first question provoked a split, or rather several sprits in our Party.
It appeared that some five or six Pretenders of both sexes, and of
intricate genealogies, had their advocates. An unpleasant scene
followed, and things were said which could never be forgiven.

The deputation, which had been expected to stay to luncheon,
retired in tears, exclaiming for a variety of monarchs all '' over
the water."

The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared myself,
they said. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first review
Mr. Gladstone's numerous writings about Homer, and then come
to Home Rule. " Homer stops the way! " Were Mr. Gladstone's
Homeric theories compatible with a rational frame of mind ? Here
I felt very strong, and animated with a keen desire to impart infor-
mation, The deputation said all this was ancient history. As to Home
Rule itself, they said it really did not matter. What they wanted
was, free poaching, free private whiskey-stills, free land, and a large
head of game, to be kept up by the proprietor, for the benefit of the
glen, as in old times. I said that these seemed to me to be Utopian
demands If you all fish, and shoot, and drown the keepers in the
linn, I urged, there will soon be no g-ame left for any of you. < No
Game-laws, I observed, and you will obviously have no poaching.
There will be nothing to poach, and no fun in doing it. They said
that they would pay keepers to hold the Southern bodies off, out of
the rates, and the rates would be paid by the_ Laird—meaning me.
I said I knew that several Lairds were standing on this platform,
but that, personally, if my land and rents were to be taken away, I
did not see how the rates were to be got out of my empty sporran. This
was a new idea to them, but I cheered them up by saying I was in
favour of Compulsory Access to Mountains, with no Personal Option
in the matter. This was what the people needed, _ I said—they
needed to be made to climb mountains, beginning with Box Hill.
On Bank Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They
stay where the beer is. I would have a staff of Inspectors, to see
that they went. The general limbs and lungs would be greatly
improved, and the sale of whiskey, from private stills, would be
increased.

This unlucky remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister
wore a blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-any-price politician.
Two of " The Men," however,—a kind of inspired Highland prophets
—had a still of their own, and they and the Minister nearly came