Punch (103.1892)

July 30, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

45

MINOR MISERIES.
No. I.—To a Lady on whose Table-Cloth

he had TjrSET the mustard-pot.

Dear Lady, in your dining-room

I sat, a melancholy slave.
Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom ;

While others jested, I was grave.
And still you saw me sit and sit—

"Enough of this," you said, "come,
come,

Be cheerful." While I merely hit
A foolish, irresponsive thumb,

And found no comfort in the act,
And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth,

As void of ringers as of tact,
Who spilt the mustard on the cloth !

That was the cause of all my woe—

Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain ;
Still on the cloth's expanded snow

I seem to see that yellow stain.
And still you sit and speak me fair,

And still your Butler grimly smiles,
The while I paint in mustard there

Asketch-map of the British Isles.
I think it had repaid my guilt

Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth,
And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt

That flood of mustard on your cloth.

Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream,

What more could mortal man desire ?
I munched them idly in a dream,

My head sang like a village choir.
I fumbled with the silver pot

Prom which that tawny torrent ran ;
I heard you say it mattered not,

To cheer a miserable man.
So here I thank you ; may I be

Extinct as is the Behemoth
Rather than spill by Fate's decree

Once more the mustard on your cloth.

most gracious. However, he said that he was
not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty.
He offered, in lieu of signature, to give me
twelve sacks of emeralds (uncut), and the
wives of six of his Field-Marshals. Ex-
plained that no representative of England
could entertain such a suggestion. The Sul-
tan, upon this, terminated the interview.

Fourth Day.—The Sultan having learned
that Herr Yon Klevermann was a member
of my suite, expressed a wish for a second
meeting. I consequently attended at the
Palace. Herr Yon Klevermann, having pro-
duced a number of artificial-flowers, a bird-
cage, and a rabbit, from an Opera-hat, His
Majesty asked the price. I immediately
replied, a Treaty of Commerce. I am to call
again to-morrow.

Fifth Day.—Had another interview with
His Majesty. The Sultan wanted to know the

FANCY PORTRAIT.

THE NEXT AFRICAN" MISSION.

(Telegraphic Precis of the Negotiations.)

First Day.—Arrived safely at the Sul-
tan's capital. . Everything in proper order.
Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplo-
matic uniform. Escort in marching order.
Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to
commence negociations. Only waiting
for the conjuring paraphernalia of Herr
Von Klevermann to come up with us.
Thought that that special morning per-
formance before the King and Queen of
the Cannibal Islands would delay matters.

Second Day.—Kerr Yon Klevermann
and his traps have arrived in camp.
Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to
find that one of the best (the Inexhaustible
Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the
Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, un-
able to send back to recover it. Might have
to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen
the numbers of our escort. Experts declare
that the Inexhaustible Bottle could only be
secured at the point of the bayonet. Have
arranged for a meeting with the Sultan to-
morrow.

Third Day.—Sultan's toothache better.
His Majesty having sent word that he would
be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the
Interpreter, the Commander of the Escort, and
last, but certainly not least, Herr Yon
Klevermann, arrived at the Palace. Found
that the Lord High Chamberlain had been
removed yesterday. The Lord High Execu-
tioner was acting in his stead. In fact, this
overworked official seemed to he the solitary
survivor of the Imperial Household. The
Lord High Executioner told us that His
Majesty had been very irritable yesterday.
The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper,
and was quite harmless. I found His Majesty

well to leave the country as soon as possible,
started early. Herr Yon Klevermann had
expressed his doubts whether His Majesty
would be_ satisfied. It appears that the Magic
hat requires a good deal of preparation to be
effective. The Herr's forebodings of evil
were speedily verified. The Mission had not
gone a mile before we were followed by the
entire army. We made a demonstration
with the machine-gun, which had the effect
of destroying six or seven brigades of the
enemy. _ The Sultan in person, declared that
he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to
do but retire as best we could.

Eighth Day.—Deeply regret failure of the
Mission. However, find that the King and
Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious
for annexation to England. They seem im-
pressed with the notion that the British
Government have power to cause a flow of
spirits from the Inexhaustible Bottle which,
since the departure of Herr Yon Klever-
mann, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks.
Of course, shall do nothing in this new
matter until I receive further instructions.

Ninth Day.—Embarked on my return
home.

THE RIGHT MAN IN THE BIGHT PLACE-
BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN.

ADYICE TO THE G. 0. M.

{From a Mathematical Tory.)

Take forty-two, and carry eight
(Eight hours, I mean), then mind your eye;
Bring all your items up to date,
And do your best to multiply
Your sheep by next subtracting votes
From over-suffraged Tory goats.
By Registration Law perplexed,
Take qualifying periods " next,
And at one swoop reduce with glee
Twelve months, or more, to only three.
Add labour to your motley crew,
Subtract (from life) a church or two.
Produce, with geometric skill,
The lines of many a promised bill.
But state—the Unionists to vex—
That Home Rule always equals x.
Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour,
Campaigning Ireland to a power.
And thus, to prayers and protests deaf,
Bisect the Empire. Q. F. F.

PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE.

Scene— Whitehall. Time— The Present.
Enter Universal Inspector - General,
accompanied by Mr. Admiralty Official.

Universal Inspector-General. So you
are going to have Naval Manoeuvres after

terms of the proposed Treaty. I replied, free . all, Mr. Admiralty Official ?
access to the interior for British merchandise, i Mr. Adm. Official. Yes, General, we are.
and the abolition of slavery. His Majesty Tin Ins.-Gen. And are you going to do
replied, he did not mind the abolition of anything new this time ?
slavery so much, on the understanding that Mr. Ad._ Off. Nothing more than the
the regulation did not apply to him. Herr usual meaningless cruising.
Yon Klevermann then produced his Magic Tin. Ins.-Gen. I read something about the
hat. and brought out from it a cup of coffee, . landing of the wounded ?
half-a-dozen recently-washed handkerchiefs, j Mr. Ad. Off. Ah—that is new ! We are
and a white mouse. The last item caused us going to "assume" a number of wounded,
to be hurriedly expelled from the Palace. It To quote from the Regulations — " Before the
appears that the Sultan greatly objects to \ ships leave for the ports, officers in command
mice. The Interpreter should have informed ; of fleets and squadrons are to communicate to
me of this peculiarity. | each Commander-in-Chief, by telegraph, the

Sixth Day.—Received a message from His aggregate number of assumed wounded that
Majesty to the effect that he would be glad ' may be expected to reach his port."
to see me and Herr Yon Klevermann again, ■ Tin. Ins.-Gen. Tell me what do we want
on the condition that nothing objectionable 1 with these pointless Manoeuvres ? Wouldn't
should be produced from the Magic hat. . it have answered everyone's purpose if there
Herr Yon Klevermann once more gave a had been a lecture in lieu of them at the Royal
seance. The eminent entertainer extracted ; United Service Institution ?
from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, Mr. Ad. Off. I should not he surprised,
and a lady's watch. His Majesty greatly Tin. Ins.-Gen. Then why run into this
delighted. He signed the Treaty, and pos- unnecessary expense ?

sessed himself of the hat.

Mr. Ad. Off. You really must ask my

Seventh Day.—Knowing that it was as successor! [Exeunt severally