Punch (103.1892)

154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 1, 1892.

looks with peremptory encouragement towards the Teuton; " Ach,
grdsglich! " rattles out Donnerwitz, and strikes again ; the cobra-
like gutturality of that " Ach" is heart-rending; still no Adolf

INNS AND OUTS.

No. IV.—THE WINDOW-SHUTTERS.

» And efery time he gif a shoomp, he make de winders sound." f fa ^old-ffra.u^t §Jane,e iro™ mJ companions, he has ordered another

* . . J detachment to the_front; aj fresh current of air invades the room.

I do not allude to the white wooden Venetian work that shades Donnerwttz's knife is now brandishing peas; his offended napkin
the Grand Hotel windows. It is of the clique who insist on shutting ! chokes him ; with tbe yell and spring of a corpulent hyena, he rises

the windows that I write
Briefly speaking, the in-
mates of the Grand Hotel
may be divided into two
classes — the window-
openers and the window-
shutters. The former are
all British. The same
Britons who at the Club
scowl at a suspicion of
draught, and luxuriate in
an asphyxiating atmo-
sphere, band against "the
foreigners " in this respect.
We have a national reputa-
tion to keep up. We are
the nation of soap, of fresh
air, of ^condescending dis-
content ; and when we are
on the Continent every one
else, including the native,
is "a foreigner; " we
carry our nationality about
with us like a camp-stool;
we squat on it; we are jea-
lous of it; it is a case of
" liegardez, mats ne touchez
pas ! "

This patriotic obtrusive-
ness culminates in the Battle
of the Windows. It is an
oppressive evening. The
Table d'Hote-room is seeth-
ing like a caldron; a few
chosen conspirators and
myself open the campaign
early; we "tip" Adolf
" the wink. " That diplo-
matist orders the great
window to be half-opened.
If things go smoothly, he
will gradually open out
other sources of ventilation.
The Noah's Ark procession
files in—all shapes and all
languages, like the repast
itself; Donnerwitz, Tar-
taric, SlIIRTSOFF, scam-
pelini ; there is nothing
in common between them—
save the paper collar; they
would hail international
declarations of war to-
morrow ; but the sight of
us, and that speck of air
leagues them. " MeinGott,
Die JSnglander ."' coughs
Donnerwitz ; " Ce sont
de fanatiques enrhumes ! "
hisses Tartaric ; Shirts-
off sneezes the sneeze of
All the llussias; " Corpo
di Bacco!" cries Scampa-
lini ; still nothing is done ;
the Potage a la reine"-—
so called from the predomi-
nance of rain-water—ebbs
away in the commingled
smacks and gulps of the
infuriated Powers ; " Sau-
tnon du llhin, sauce Tar

and rushes to the windows.
The timid pensionnaire
and her shrinking sister-
hood follow him, under the
misconception that he is
summoning them to ad-
mire the sunset; the sun-
set is their evening ex-
citement, and Donner-
witz can be sentimental
in his calmer moments ;
but no " Wie wunder,
wunderschon! " escapes
him ; a Saxon word, that
even they can understand,
is on his lips; the ring
on his forefinger gleams
luridly; bang, bang,
bang; he opens fire;
down go the windows,
and Donnerwitz resumes
his seat of war, his napkin
waving like a standard
before him. It is now my
turn; I don't like it;
but my co-conspirators
expect me to maintain the
honour of our country;
Adolf cannot be trusted
further; I advance fur-
tively ; the eyes of Europe
are upon me ; one by one
I open them again and
subside; a terrible silence
supervenes. What next ?
—that is the question !

But Donnerwitz is not
only a Moltke, he is also
a Bismarck ; flushed and
moist with exertion, he
has foreseen this move; it
is the hour of that inevit-
able " Bavaroise" ; the
fork has succeeded to the
knife: his mouth is at
last free to confabulate
with his neighbour—the
Lady from Chicago.

" Wal. I call that slap-
up rude, I hear her re-
mark. "In Amur'ca we
should just hev' him re-
moved ; but Englishmen
are built that way; they
fancy, I s'pose, they dis-
covered Co-lumbus ; "and
then Donnerwitz leans
over the table and, grasp-
ing the united weapons of
fork, knife, and spoon,
addresses me with effer-
vescent deliberation.
"Pardon,—Mister, — but
—di s—1 eddy,—haf—
gatarrh; in a Sherman
shentleman's house—most
—keep—first—de—leddy
zimmer; so!" I don't
fully understand, but I
feel that my chivalry is
impugned. _ My c«nfe-

tare " is being apportioned to the knives of all nations ; it is perhaps i derates, too, round upon me ; "Of course," they whisper, " had no
the sight of his knife, from which soup only is sacred, that nerves ; idea the lady was an invalid." The brutes! I stutter an apology,
the fuming Donnerwftz to lead the attack. "list! "he shouts to and "climb down;" the windows are again hermetically sealed;
the studiously unheeding Adolf ; "'nother bottil Pellell—ver' well j and, as I slink away, I hear " Viva!" " Hoeh ! " and clinking
sare!" chirrups Adolf reassuringly to me; Donnerwitz raises his glasses. Then Adolf hurries up surreptitiously, and whispers, " Tell

COMMERCIAL INSTINCT.

Original Genius {soliloquising). " Lor, it 'id bin a crool Shame to miss an
Opportunity like this 'ere. The Gov'nor oughter lemme 'aye Ten Bob on
that Job !"

knife ; I fear for the consequences ; he brings it down with a clang
on the hardened tumbler of the Grand Hotel; the timid pension-
naire of numberless summers starts and grows pale; SniKTsoFF

you vat, Sare ; to-morrer you shoost dine on de teras3 ; dere, plenty
breeze, hein ? " " Plenty breeze! "—and you pay three francs extra,
and catch a cold.