DOI issue:
October 15, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0177
172 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 15, 1892.
" GREEN THE GUIDE."
{A Sketch on a "Royal Blue " Car at Jersey.)
On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat,
with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with a stouter
Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple of young
Green the G. {with perfect good-humour). I shall be happy to do
the deaf man, Sir,—if you'll help me by doing the dumb. [The Mor.
M. begins to feel that he had better leave Ghees' the Guide alone.)
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I '11 sing you a good old-fashioned
hunting-song, and I '11 ask you to join me in the Chorus.
[He sings " We '11 all go out hunting to-day ! "
The Mor. M. {after the First Verse). The beggar* don't sing so
Shop-ladies "; a Morose 1 oung Man, who 7uu got out of bed badl j win that for Um , {After the Third.) Capital voice
AL „7nWtln?jgLa?l *Tf lIZl™ ,3™J?.^!L J i he has ! Rattling good Chorus, too ! " Join the glad throng that
goes laughing along, and we '11 all go a-hunting to-day I " {At the
end.) Bravo! encore ! encore !
[His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored.
Green the G. {in a tone of instruction). You will notice that the
thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The
reason of that, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part
of the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistle-
down. {Outcry of incredulity.) If you don't believe me, ask the
Coachman.
The Coachman {stolidly). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you.
potations rather early, and is in the muzzily talkative mood.
The Car is one of a long string of similar vehicles, and is
proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the winding roads.
The Muzzy Man. Frivolous, am I P Well, we came 'ere to be
frivolous—to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything
I've said ? Because I woke this morning with a dry mouth, and I
don't mind saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since.
His Neighbour. You might let people find out that for them-
selves, I should think!
The Muzzy M. No—I like to be honest and straightforward, I do.
I don't want to be out of the way, you G. the G. The soil of Jersey is remark-
understand, illlfe^ ably productive; if you plant a sixpence,
The Shopkeeper's Wife {to her Neigh- J§MRsmi$h» it will come up a shilling in no time. The
bour). This is a pretty part of the road -^sg*^§ f. f/ cabbages on this island grow to an extra-
we 're on now—but, lor! there's nothing f^^^^W/ ordinary height, frequently attaining twenty
'ere to come up to the Isle of Man. Doug- M^*^^^^ feet—{outcry)—yes, if you measure up one
las, now—that is a nice plaee, with all ^^^3^^*^ s^e' anc^ down the other. {They pass a
them Music Halls! And the scenery—why, ^li^^^^^^K couple of sheep on a slope.) The finest fiock
I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I must stop, ^TJ^^^^^^P^k °^ sneeP in the island. The dark one is
just to look at it! m(^^^^^Wr^^^ no^ Diac^> on^J a little sunburnt. The
The Muzzy Man. I consider scenery ^^^ffm^w^^)'^^) house you see on that hill over there was
we're coming to most beautiful I've seen <r V ^^S^^^^^^^^m] formerly slept in by Charles the Second.
for—for miles around. [He goes to sleep. ^^\\f^^^^^j^H^Ky He left a pair of slippers behind him—
The Shopkeeper {to the Elderly G., who ''S^wJ^^P^^^a^^^^V which have since grown into top-boots.
is shifting and turning about uneasily). '' f^y^^^^'/ There yeu see the only windmill in this
Lost anything, Sir ? iMW 'wo^ft part of the island—there used to be three,
The E. G. No—thank you, no. I was ~TlMlim SlS^i' "S-^^^P i ^ was i°uri(i there was not enough
looking to see whether Green the Guide MiS^m) W TlHIf wind for them all. From here you have a
was on the car. {Shouts of laughter are fSliWmM^ ill JJffi^l clear view of the coast of France; and,
heard from the car behind.) Ah, thaVs f -^^mkWM^ f Fi llt/H when the wind is blowing in this direction,
Green" the Guide! I wish he'd come on j ' n^ffilj^mm,r 4 Wik'\ you have an excellent opportunity of ac-
our car—very amusing fellow, Sir—capital i I*'^^mKSmM0k % m% ) quiring the French accent in all its purity,
company! ' li^njuM yS^mmmk -f W$ ih {This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts
The Morose M. {to the Young Lady [on l!lffiffflHWMl&mM'Wlh ' meet.s with
a success beyond their intrinsic
his left\. Who's Green the Guide ? i "l'',1 j&lljsMm^-. %H j''" \\ Ml merits, the Morose Man being as much enter -
The Y. L. Oh, don't you know? He ' ''0MwM^ &Ml0MW\ 1 tained as anybody.] On your right is an
comes with the ears and makes jokes and '' ii'lllMwflH fcl§W/ inland lake of fresh water-
all that. I hope he '11 come to us. ,— Mmfllljllu^ WW The Muzzy Man {waking up with sudden
The Mor. M. J don't. I can do that ^5flMM Fiffi'r^ interest). Can you drink it with perfect
sort of thing for myself _if I want tto, I „_-~ ^ /WnW —"' impunity?
hope. [With a scowL / ^^W^^^^S^^'' Gr. the G. Depends" how far you " are
The Y. L. Well, there's , no harm in a—~-~>5-» \$&M?&Wi? p^e_ accustomed to it as a beverage, Sir. {The
hoping! —i car stops at an hotel.) We stop here two
The Serious Comm. T. {to his neighbour / y ^^^^M\' '••">-"--------* hours, Ladies and Gentlemen, to enable you
—one of the Shop-ladies). So you come /'~/'—'"^^^^^^ SL^Jjj) to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards,
from Birmingham ? Dear me, now. I used i^^v-^"^ia^^^^^^^ ffj Yon can leave anything you like on the
to be there very often on business at one /r^^st^tL^ '^^C^^ ■■'3 l)' cars excePt five-pound notes—and they
time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. Podger ^^~-^2r:~"~^ ^^^^p-s"'"might get blown away !
there? A good old gentleman, he is. I jS&Zi ':7':~^^::^^ss:==;^^'^ r\ -nr -it
used to attend his Chapel regular—most |B^--J^^'lr V" THE
improving discourses he used to give us. I "^^^^jT^ ^ The Shopkeeper s Wife {to her Husband).
am fond of a good Sermon, aren't you ? &c. -Tom, it's just as well you stayed be-
[He imagines—not altogether correctly— . , „ . , „ , ... ... hind—you'd never have got through those
that he is producing an agreeable <£ An elderly Gentleman, m ajall hut, with a quantity cayes,/ yqu wouldn,t be6iieve t co°uid ha>
impression. 0 ^KllJS- done it unless you'd seen me—clambering
A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap. Scar- I down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing through
borough? Yes, I've been there—but I don't care about it much. You tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a house. I do wish
have to dress such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out just' you could ha' seen me, Tom !
as I am! I Tom {philosophically). Ah, well, I was very comfortable where I
[The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is beginning to flag j was, settin' in the hotel room there, smoking my pipe. Green the
—when the car is boarded by a stalwart good-looking man, Guide gave us, "Mocked in the Cradle of the Deep," in first-rate
carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather shoulder-belt xoith 1 style—he is a singer, and no mistake !
"Green the Guide" in brass letters upon it; the Elderly His Wife. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing—I'd ha'
Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome him with effusion, ' stayed too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us—I do hope
he 's going to sing again !
Green the G. {mounting the car). I fear I am an unwelcome
visitor.
'The Fid. G. {graciously). It would be the first time in your life
then, Green !
G. the G. Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on
behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen,
and both of us have large families to support. If you don't believe
while the Younger Men appear to resent his appearance.
The Mor. M. {sotto voce). If he's going to play that old^instru-
ment of torture, 1 shall howl, that's all!
Green the Guide {in a deep baritone voice). Well, Ladies and
Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our ex-
cursion. My glass went up three feet this morning.
The Morose Man {aggressively). Was there whiskey inside it ?
Green the Guide. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if
there had been. {The Elderly G. asks for a song.) I shall be de- ! me, ask the Coachman. {The Elderly G! explains that his wrappings
lighted to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you ; prevent him from getting at his purse just then, while the others
like to have ?
The Mor. M. None of your songs—give us an imitation—of a deaf
and dumb man.
contribute with more or less readiness and liberality.) Many thanks,
Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Coachman, and
to express my sense of your generosity, I will sing you the great
" GREEN THE GUIDE."
{A Sketch on a "Royal Blue " Car at Jersey.)
On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat,
with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with a stouter
Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple of young
Green the G. {with perfect good-humour). I shall be happy to do
the deaf man, Sir,—if you'll help me by doing the dumb. [The Mor.
M. begins to feel that he had better leave Ghees' the Guide alone.)
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I '11 sing you a good old-fashioned
hunting-song, and I '11 ask you to join me in the Chorus.
[He sings " We '11 all go out hunting to-day ! "
The Mor. M. {after the First Verse). The beggar* don't sing so
Shop-ladies "; a Morose 1 oung Man, who 7uu got out of bed badl j win that for Um , {After the Third.) Capital voice
AL „7nWtln?jgLa?l *Tf lIZl™ ,3™J?.^!L J i he has ! Rattling good Chorus, too ! " Join the glad throng that
goes laughing along, and we '11 all go a-hunting to-day I " {At the
end.) Bravo! encore ! encore !
[His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored.
Green the G. {in a tone of instruction). You will notice that the
thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The
reason of that, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part
of the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistle-
down. {Outcry of incredulity.) If you don't believe me, ask the
Coachman.
The Coachman {stolidly). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you.
potations rather early, and is in the muzzily talkative mood.
The Car is one of a long string of similar vehicles, and is
proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the winding roads.
The Muzzy Man. Frivolous, am I P Well, we came 'ere to be
frivolous—to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything
I've said ? Because I woke this morning with a dry mouth, and I
don't mind saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since.
His Neighbour. You might let people find out that for them-
selves, I should think!
The Muzzy M. No—I like to be honest and straightforward, I do.
I don't want to be out of the way, you G. the G. The soil of Jersey is remark-
understand, illlfe^ ably productive; if you plant a sixpence,
The Shopkeeper's Wife {to her Neigh- J§MRsmi$h» it will come up a shilling in no time. The
bour). This is a pretty part of the road -^sg*^§ f. f/ cabbages on this island grow to an extra-
we 're on now—but, lor! there's nothing f^^^^W/ ordinary height, frequently attaining twenty
'ere to come up to the Isle of Man. Doug- M^*^^^^ feet—{outcry)—yes, if you measure up one
las, now—that is a nice plaee, with all ^^^3^^*^ s^e' anc^ down the other. {They pass a
them Music Halls! And the scenery—why, ^li^^^^^^K couple of sheep on a slope.) The finest fiock
I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I must stop, ^TJ^^^^^^P^k °^ sneeP in the island. The dark one is
just to look at it! m(^^^^^Wr^^^ no^ Diac^> on^J a little sunburnt. The
The Muzzy Man. I consider scenery ^^^ffm^w^^)'^^) house you see on that hill over there was
we're coming to most beautiful I've seen <r V ^^S^^^^^^^^m] formerly slept in by Charles the Second.
for—for miles around. [He goes to sleep. ^^\\f^^^^^j^H^Ky He left a pair of slippers behind him—
The Shopkeeper {to the Elderly G., who ''S^wJ^^P^^^a^^^^V which have since grown into top-boots.
is shifting and turning about uneasily). '' f^y^^^^'/ There yeu see the only windmill in this
Lost anything, Sir ? iMW 'wo^ft part of the island—there used to be three,
The E. G. No—thank you, no. I was ~TlMlim SlS^i' "S-^^^P i ^ was i°uri(i there was not enough
looking to see whether Green the Guide MiS^m) W TlHIf wind for them all. From here you have a
was on the car. {Shouts of laughter are fSliWmM^ ill JJffi^l clear view of the coast of France; and,
heard from the car behind.) Ah, thaVs f -^^mkWM^ f Fi llt/H when the wind is blowing in this direction,
Green" the Guide! I wish he'd come on j ' n^ffilj^mm,r 4 Wik'\ you have an excellent opportunity of ac-
our car—very amusing fellow, Sir—capital i I*'^^mKSmM0k % m% ) quiring the French accent in all its purity,
company! ' li^njuM yS^mmmk -f W$ ih {This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts
The Morose M. {to the Young Lady [on l!lffiffflHWMl&mM'Wlh ' meet.s with
a success beyond their intrinsic
his left\. Who's Green the Guide ? i "l'',1 j&lljsMm^-. %H j''" \\ Ml merits, the Morose Man being as much enter -
The Y. L. Oh, don't you know? He ' ''0MwM^ &Ml0MW\ 1 tained as anybody.] On your right is an
comes with the ears and makes jokes and '' ii'lllMwflH fcl§W/ inland lake of fresh water-
all that. I hope he '11 come to us. ,— Mmfllljllu^ WW The Muzzy Man {waking up with sudden
The Mor. M. J don't. I can do that ^5flMM Fiffi'r^ interest). Can you drink it with perfect
sort of thing for myself _if I want tto, I „_-~ ^ /WnW —"' impunity?
hope. [With a scowL / ^^W^^^^S^^'' Gr. the G. Depends" how far you " are
The Y. L. Well, there's , no harm in a—~-~>5-» \$&M?&Wi? p^e_ accustomed to it as a beverage, Sir. {The
hoping! —i car stops at an hotel.) We stop here two
The Serious Comm. T. {to his neighbour / y ^^^^M\' '••">-"--------* hours, Ladies and Gentlemen, to enable you
—one of the Shop-ladies). So you come /'~/'—'"^^^^^^ SL^Jjj) to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards,
from Birmingham ? Dear me, now. I used i^^v-^"^ia^^^^^^^ ffj Yon can leave anything you like on the
to be there very often on business at one /r^^st^tL^ '^^C^^ ■■'3 l)' cars excePt five-pound notes—and they
time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. Podger ^^~-^2r:~"~^ ^^^^p-s"'"might get blown away !
there? A good old gentleman, he is. I jS&Zi ':7':~^^::^^ss:==;^^'^ r\ -nr -it
used to attend his Chapel regular—most |B^--J^^'lr V" THE
improving discourses he used to give us. I "^^^^jT^ ^ The Shopkeeper s Wife {to her Husband).
am fond of a good Sermon, aren't you ? &c. -Tom, it's just as well you stayed be-
[He imagines—not altogether correctly— . , „ . , „ , ... ... hind—you'd never have got through those
that he is producing an agreeable <£ An elderly Gentleman, m ajall hut, with a quantity cayes,/ yqu wouldn,t be6iieve t co°uid ha>
impression. 0 ^KllJS- done it unless you'd seen me—clambering
A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap. Scar- I down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing through
borough? Yes, I've been there—but I don't care about it much. You tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a house. I do wish
have to dress such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out just' you could ha' seen me, Tom !
as I am! I Tom {philosophically). Ah, well, I was very comfortable where I
[The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is beginning to flag j was, settin' in the hotel room there, smoking my pipe. Green the
—when the car is boarded by a stalwart good-looking man, Guide gave us, "Mocked in the Cradle of the Deep," in first-rate
carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather shoulder-belt xoith 1 style—he is a singer, and no mistake !
"Green the Guide" in brass letters upon it; the Elderly His Wife. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing—I'd ha'
Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome him with effusion, ' stayed too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us—I do hope
he 's going to sing again !
Green the G. {mounting the car). I fear I am an unwelcome
visitor.
'The Fid. G. {graciously). It would be the first time in your life
then, Green !
G. the G. Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on
behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen,
and both of us have large families to support. If you don't believe
while the Younger Men appear to resent his appearance.
The Mor. M. {sotto voce). If he's going to play that old^instru-
ment of torture, 1 shall howl, that's all!
Green the Guide {in a deep baritone voice). Well, Ladies and
Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our ex-
cursion. My glass went up three feet this morning.
The Morose Man {aggressively). Was there whiskey inside it ?
Green the Guide. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if
there had been. {The Elderly G. asks for a song.) I shall be de- ! me, ask the Coachman. {The Elderly G! explains that his wrappings
lighted to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you ; prevent him from getting at his purse just then, while the others
like to have ?
The Mor. M. None of your songs—give us an imitation—of a deaf
and dumb man.
contribute with more or less readiness and liberality.) Many thanks,
Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Coachman, and
to express my sense of your generosity, I will sing you the great