DOI issue:
December 31, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0308
December 31, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
303
A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893.
(Published in Advance.)
January.—As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they
manage things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and
drafted them a treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with
the courtesy of hidaljos, but refused with the paltry jealousy of a
petty-fogging second-rate Power I What nasty pride! Sent home
to one of my Magazines, " How I took part in a Bull-fight."
February.—Opened Parliament and set things going, and then
thought I might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. _ Had
a chat with the Czar, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of
" Home Pule." Czar polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every
one has a right to his own opinions, still I think it would do. Czar
didn't. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, '' How I lived
for three days in the Mines of
Siberia."
March.—Back to town for a
few days, and then off again.
Clark says travelling the best
thing in the world for super-
fluous energy. Did China
thoroughly. Drew up a plan
for altering the language,
manners, religions, politics,
and customs of the Chinese.
Brought it before a Special
Committee of Mandarins ; but
they prevaricated, and prac-
tically shelved it. Sent home
to "one of my Magazines an
article, "HowI had a Boxing-
match with the Emperor of
China, and knocked his Ma-
jesty out of time."
April. — Things going' on
decently well at Westminster,
so started for Turkey. Ar-
ranged Turkish Finance for
the Grand Yizier. But that
official distinctly an—well, not
a wise man — said he would
knock out a better budget
himself. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, "My Fort-
night's Manoeuvres with the
Bashi Bazouks."
May.—Dropped in at] St.
Stephen's, and put a few
finishing touches to one or two
measures, then away to Egypt.
Sketched out a Republican
form of Government for the
Khedive. However, his High-
ness did not seem to see it.
The Egyptians are very Con-
servative in their notions. Sent
home to one of my Magazines,
"A Fortnight in the Mahdi's
Camp, by an Acquaintance of
Osman Digna."
June.—Attended a couple of
Cabinet Meetings, and then to
America for a j aunt. Gave the
President a carefully worked-
out scheme for converting the
Government of the United
States into a Monarchy of
limited liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure
it would work. The Americans are sadly behind the age. Sent
home to one of my Magazines, " How to see the World's Fair at
Chicago in Twenty Minutes, by One who has done it."
July.—Session nearly out. Took part in a debate or two and then
off to the North Pole in a balloon. Managed to see a good deal of
snow and ice, and fancy we caught a sight of the Pole itself. Sent
home (by parachute) to one of my Magazines, " How I got within
Measurable Distance of the Moon."
August.—Just back to Westminster for a couple of days to wind
up the Session, then away to India. • •. Went on my own responsibility
to see the Ameer of Afghanistan. Drew up a treaty in draft to
be signed by the Ameer and the Emperor of Russia, Czar was
immensely pleased and wanted to make me Prince of Crim Tartart.
Sent to one of my Magazines, " How I shot my first Wild Elephant."
September.—Returned to Hawarden for the inside of a week and
then paid my hurried visit to Australia. Submitted to the Colonies
a scheme for "A Federal Association for the encouragement of the
Naturalisation of the Rabbit in Australasia." The proposal fell
rather flat. Find the rabbit is already known in these places. Sent
home to one of my Magazines an article entitled,'' My Prize-fight with
the Kangaroo, and how I won it."
October.—In London for a few days, then to Mexico. Saw the
President, and suggested the revival of the Empire. President
very rude; told me to mind my own business. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, " A Week on the Prairies Buffalo lassooing."
November.—Popped in at Midlothian, and made a speech or two,
and then hurried away to Norway and Sweden. Tried to induce
them to give up their form of Home Rule, which, as all the world
knows, has been a failure. Wanted them to take our Irish edition.
They asked me " if it had been a success?" Stumped! Sent to
one of my Magazines, "How to
take a Photograph by Midnight
Sunlight, by One who has
done it."
December.—Obliged to stay
at home, because I think we
are going to change our Town-
house. _ Downing Street most
convenient, but question
whether I shall be able to get
a renewal of the lease next
year. Sketched out the scena-
rio of the Drury Lane Panto-
mime; but Sir Augustus
prefers his own. Well, well,
youth will have its way. Sent
in my special article for
Christmas and the New Year,
"The History of the World,
from the Earliest Times to the
close of the Nineteenth Cen-
tury, by One who has employed
his leisure moments in its
compilation." And here I
may conclude, by wishing
everybody " A Happy New
Year."
GETTING
Fair Authoress. "By the wat, have you read any op my Books?
q.G. " No ; I'm keeping them for my Old Age !"
F. A. "Oh, don't talk of Old Age !—it's so horrid!"
q.C. "Not with your Books I"
TRIFLES.
{From Otcr Special Autolycus.')
Mr. Oscar Browning has
republished, with other His-
torical Essays, his account of
the Flight to Yarennes, in
which he demonstrates that
Carlyle was hopelessly wrong
in the narrative which glows
through the most famous and
fascinating chapter in The
French Revolution. There
seems no doubt about it; but
Autolycus says, he knows a
man who would rather be
wrong with Carlyle than
right with 0. B.
* * # #
Met the Duke of Sotto-
Yoce to-day. Evidently in
most doleful dumps. "No,
it's not the weather, Auto-
lycus," he said. "Fact is
that, although supposed to be
a rich man, I am reduced to
extremities. Lunched yester-
day at the Carlton off dish of braised ox-tail, and supped at night
at Beefsteak on cow-heel d la cordormier.1'
#*##**
Autolycus hears that, early in the New Year, Mr. Armitstead,
Mr. Gladstone's host in the South of France, will be raised to the
Peerage, under the title of Baron Biarritz of Barmouth. " Pau !
Pau ! " said Mr. Stuart-Rendell, when the rumour reached him.
"What are Barmouth and Biarritz? I took Mr. G. on to the
Pyrenees, and Cannes. If a fresh Barony is to be created for
Abmitstead, what shall I have?" "Why, a Canne'd one," said
Algy West, who is always so ready. (Signed) Adt©lycus.
"The Liberator Building Society:"—To liberate, means, "
make free." If the present charges are proven, the title will be
rather appropriate, considering how very free it seems to have made
with a considerable amount of property.
303
A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893.
(Published in Advance.)
January.—As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they
manage things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and
drafted them a treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with
the courtesy of hidaljos, but refused with the paltry jealousy of a
petty-fogging second-rate Power I What nasty pride! Sent home
to one of my Magazines, " How I took part in a Bull-fight."
February.—Opened Parliament and set things going, and then
thought I might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. _ Had
a chat with the Czar, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of
" Home Pule." Czar polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every
one has a right to his own opinions, still I think it would do. Czar
didn't. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, '' How I lived
for three days in the Mines of
Siberia."
March.—Back to town for a
few days, and then off again.
Clark says travelling the best
thing in the world for super-
fluous energy. Did China
thoroughly. Drew up a plan
for altering the language,
manners, religions, politics,
and customs of the Chinese.
Brought it before a Special
Committee of Mandarins ; but
they prevaricated, and prac-
tically shelved it. Sent home
to "one of my Magazines an
article, "HowI had a Boxing-
match with the Emperor of
China, and knocked his Ma-
jesty out of time."
April. — Things going' on
decently well at Westminster,
so started for Turkey. Ar-
ranged Turkish Finance for
the Grand Yizier. But that
official distinctly an—well, not
a wise man — said he would
knock out a better budget
himself. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, "My Fort-
night's Manoeuvres with the
Bashi Bazouks."
May.—Dropped in at] St.
Stephen's, and put a few
finishing touches to one or two
measures, then away to Egypt.
Sketched out a Republican
form of Government for the
Khedive. However, his High-
ness did not seem to see it.
The Egyptians are very Con-
servative in their notions. Sent
home to one of my Magazines,
"A Fortnight in the Mahdi's
Camp, by an Acquaintance of
Osman Digna."
June.—Attended a couple of
Cabinet Meetings, and then to
America for a j aunt. Gave the
President a carefully worked-
out scheme for converting the
Government of the United
States into a Monarchy of
limited liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure
it would work. The Americans are sadly behind the age. Sent
home to one of my Magazines, " How to see the World's Fair at
Chicago in Twenty Minutes, by One who has done it."
July.—Session nearly out. Took part in a debate or two and then
off to the North Pole in a balloon. Managed to see a good deal of
snow and ice, and fancy we caught a sight of the Pole itself. Sent
home (by parachute) to one of my Magazines, " How I got within
Measurable Distance of the Moon."
August.—Just back to Westminster for a couple of days to wind
up the Session, then away to India. • •. Went on my own responsibility
to see the Ameer of Afghanistan. Drew up a treaty in draft to
be signed by the Ameer and the Emperor of Russia, Czar was
immensely pleased and wanted to make me Prince of Crim Tartart.
Sent to one of my Magazines, " How I shot my first Wild Elephant."
September.—Returned to Hawarden for the inside of a week and
then paid my hurried visit to Australia. Submitted to the Colonies
a scheme for "A Federal Association for the encouragement of the
Naturalisation of the Rabbit in Australasia." The proposal fell
rather flat. Find the rabbit is already known in these places. Sent
home to one of my Magazines an article entitled,'' My Prize-fight with
the Kangaroo, and how I won it."
October.—In London for a few days, then to Mexico. Saw the
President, and suggested the revival of the Empire. President
very rude; told me to mind my own business. Sent home to one of
my Magazines, " A Week on the Prairies Buffalo lassooing."
November.—Popped in at Midlothian, and made a speech or two,
and then hurried away to Norway and Sweden. Tried to induce
them to give up their form of Home Rule, which, as all the world
knows, has been a failure. Wanted them to take our Irish edition.
They asked me " if it had been a success?" Stumped! Sent to
one of my Magazines, "How to
take a Photograph by Midnight
Sunlight, by One who has
done it."
December.—Obliged to stay
at home, because I think we
are going to change our Town-
house. _ Downing Street most
convenient, but question
whether I shall be able to get
a renewal of the lease next
year. Sketched out the scena-
rio of the Drury Lane Panto-
mime; but Sir Augustus
prefers his own. Well, well,
youth will have its way. Sent
in my special article for
Christmas and the New Year,
"The History of the World,
from the Earliest Times to the
close of the Nineteenth Cen-
tury, by One who has employed
his leisure moments in its
compilation." And here I
may conclude, by wishing
everybody " A Happy New
Year."
GETTING
Fair Authoress. "By the wat, have you read any op my Books?
q.G. " No ; I'm keeping them for my Old Age !"
F. A. "Oh, don't talk of Old Age !—it's so horrid!"
q.C. "Not with your Books I"
TRIFLES.
{From Otcr Special Autolycus.')
Mr. Oscar Browning has
republished, with other His-
torical Essays, his account of
the Flight to Yarennes, in
which he demonstrates that
Carlyle was hopelessly wrong
in the narrative which glows
through the most famous and
fascinating chapter in The
French Revolution. There
seems no doubt about it; but
Autolycus says, he knows a
man who would rather be
wrong with Carlyle than
right with 0. B.
* * # #
Met the Duke of Sotto-
Yoce to-day. Evidently in
most doleful dumps. "No,
it's not the weather, Auto-
lycus," he said. "Fact is
that, although supposed to be
a rich man, I am reduced to
extremities. Lunched yester-
day at the Carlton off dish of braised ox-tail, and supped at night
at Beefsteak on cow-heel d la cordormier.1'
#*##**
Autolycus hears that, early in the New Year, Mr. Armitstead,
Mr. Gladstone's host in the South of France, will be raised to the
Peerage, under the title of Baron Biarritz of Barmouth. " Pau !
Pau ! " said Mr. Stuart-Rendell, when the rumour reached him.
"What are Barmouth and Biarritz? I took Mr. G. on to the
Pyrenees, and Cannes. If a fresh Barony is to be created for
Abmitstead, what shall I have?" "Why, a Canne'd one," said
Algy West, who is always so ready. (Signed) Adt©lycus.
"The Liberator Building Society:"—To liberate, means, "
make free." If the present charges are proven, the title will be
rather appropriate, considering how very free it seems to have made
with a considerable amount of property.