DOI Heft:
July 7, 1883
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17755#0013
July 7, 1883.]
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAPL
ALL AT SEA;
OR, TIIE PILOT, THE PEER, AND THE PREDICAMENT!
(A Story dedicated, without their permission, to the Lords of the
Admiralty.)
Her, 'Majesty’s steam-ship Joyful was gaily careering before the
wind, off the coast of Ireland, in a chopping sea.
“ If I can hut escape the Sow and Piggies,” murmured the Admi-
ralty-elected Pilot, “all may yet be well. The dreaded rocks in
question should be here—that is, if I understand the chart rightly.”
And the mariner anxiously regarded the horizon, and gave a new
order to the eager crew.
“I must speak with you at once,” cried a person who had ascended
from below. “ You must immediately hug the jihore.”
“ Hug the shore ! ” echoed the Pilot (who was somewhat inexperi-
| cnced), doiibtfqUy.. “ Why should I hug the shore ? ”
“ Because it is his Lordship’s wish,” continued his visitor. “ You
understand—his Lordship’s wish, conveyed to you by his Lordship’s
Hairdresser.”
The Pilot bowed respectfully, | and rfervously gave fresh orders to
the crew. Still the ship rocked to and fro, and was anything but
steady. The Hairdresser had retired, but his place had been taken
; by a second official.
| “ My fellow, why you not do what Milord he vant?” asked the
new-comer, sternly. “*Milord he say you not hug the shore
: enough.”
“What have you to do with it?” asked the Pilot, angrily,
j “ Who are you ? ”
“ Who am I ? Mafoi! How it please me ! Who am I ? Why,
of Milord his French Cook ! ”
On hearing this, the respectful mariner dropped upon his knees,
| and gave fresh orders to the crew, which were obeyed with alacrity,
i .But soon, the place of the “ cordon bleu ” was taken by another of
I h\s Lordship’s household. In turns the Yalet, the Coachman, the
Librarian, the Chaplain, the Travelling Tailor, the Consulting
Dentist, and the Cigarette-Maker put in an appearance to make the
same request—“ His Lordship was most anxious to get nearer to the
shore, and trusted that the Pilot would be able to oblige him.”
Accordingly, again and again the Joyful changed her course, and
turned her bows towards dry land.
“ Sir, you are trifling with us! ” at length said a young man of
commanding appearance who had taken the place of the others.
x ou are trifling with us ! His Lordship is still suffering inconve-
nience. Yes, listen and tremble. I am his Private Secretary, and I
tell you so. He is absolutely suffering inconvenience ! ”
Ho, no!” cried the Pilot, with his hands before his tear-bc-
dunmed eyes.
“ But I say, Yes, yes. You have not hugged the shore nearly
enough.”
“With the Sow and Piggies before us, it would be unwise to go
nearer—there might be danger,” and the Pilot wrung his hands in
despair.
“ If you didn’t there would be danger of his Lordship being-”
and the young man of commanding appearance whispered the rest.
“ Anything rather than that! ” shrieked the Pilot, beside himself
with respectful horror. “ Ease her! Stopper ! Turn her astarn, and
port your helm ! ”
These orders were promptly obeyed, and five minutes later there
was a crash, and the Joyful lay wrecked upon some jagged rocks.
Clinging to a masthead appeared the Pilot talking to a Peer of the
Realm.
“Oh, my Lord; thL is too much! I am not worthy of such an
honour! ” and the Pilot actually blushed with pleasure.
“ Pardon me ; you arc worthy of the honour,” replied the Peer of
the Realm, firmly ; and he shook hands for the second time with his
untitled companion. “ I repeat, 1 am personally obliged to you.”
“ No, no—my Lord, my Lord, how can I thank you ? ”
“I require no thanks; on the contrary, you have deserved my
respect—nay, gratitude—yes, gratitude,” and the eyes of the noble
filled with tears. Mastering his emotion, he continued, “ Yes ’ the
gratitude of the whole world is most j ustly your due ; for, had you
not lost your ship by hugging the shore, the Earl of Hackney Downs
might have been—sea-sick ! ”
A BLOW FOR THE BLOWHOLES.
The Railway Yenttlatoixs. Before the Select Committee, Mr.
Spin nidge examined : Is a practical chemist, and a Shareholder of a
Railway Company; also a. frequenter of the Thames Embankment.
In relation to that magnificent Terrace, considers the \ entilators
vast improvements. Thinks them both useful and ornamental at tlxe
same time. Ornamental not only in an architectural sense, but also
by reason of the products of combustion of coke and coal, which issue
from them in steam and smoke, and in so doing so gracefully curl,
as the poet sings. LTseful, too, in virtue of those same ingredients
the disinfecting gases and vapours they exhale, which include fumes
of carbonic acid as well as carbonic oxide, and sulphurous acid, and
sulphuretted hydrogen. Believes that their exhalations likewise
contain a very considerable proportion of ozone, an aeriform sub-
stance of acknowledged remedial agency in bronchitis and. asthma,
1: aware of the meaning of the Virgilian word, “Mephitis;” sup-
poses it meant Mephistopheles, and considers that expression, applied
to the sanitary and odoriferous effluvia of the Ventilators on the
1 Thames Embankment, a reckless calumny. Is accustomed to send
1 his children to that open space for change of air.
Vol. S5.
1
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAPL
ALL AT SEA;
OR, TIIE PILOT, THE PEER, AND THE PREDICAMENT!
(A Story dedicated, without their permission, to the Lords of the
Admiralty.)
Her, 'Majesty’s steam-ship Joyful was gaily careering before the
wind, off the coast of Ireland, in a chopping sea.
“ If I can hut escape the Sow and Piggies,” murmured the Admi-
ralty-elected Pilot, “all may yet be well. The dreaded rocks in
question should be here—that is, if I understand the chart rightly.”
And the mariner anxiously regarded the horizon, and gave a new
order to the eager crew.
“I must speak with you at once,” cried a person who had ascended
from below. “ You must immediately hug the jihore.”
“ Hug the shore ! ” echoed the Pilot (who was somewhat inexperi-
| cnced), doiibtfqUy.. “ Why should I hug the shore ? ”
“ Because it is his Lordship’s wish,” continued his visitor. “ You
understand—his Lordship’s wish, conveyed to you by his Lordship’s
Hairdresser.”
The Pilot bowed respectfully, | and rfervously gave fresh orders to
the crew. Still the ship rocked to and fro, and was anything but
steady. The Hairdresser had retired, but his place had been taken
; by a second official.
| “ My fellow, why you not do what Milord he vant?” asked the
new-comer, sternly. “*Milord he say you not hug the shore
: enough.”
“What have you to do with it?” asked the Pilot, angrily,
j “ Who are you ? ”
“ Who am I ? Mafoi! How it please me ! Who am I ? Why,
of Milord his French Cook ! ”
On hearing this, the respectful mariner dropped upon his knees,
| and gave fresh orders to the crew, which were obeyed with alacrity,
i .But soon, the place of the “ cordon bleu ” was taken by another of
I h\s Lordship’s household. In turns the Yalet, the Coachman, the
Librarian, the Chaplain, the Travelling Tailor, the Consulting
Dentist, and the Cigarette-Maker put in an appearance to make the
same request—“ His Lordship was most anxious to get nearer to the
shore, and trusted that the Pilot would be able to oblige him.”
Accordingly, again and again the Joyful changed her course, and
turned her bows towards dry land.
“ Sir, you are trifling with us! ” at length said a young man of
commanding appearance who had taken the place of the others.
x ou are trifling with us ! His Lordship is still suffering inconve-
nience. Yes, listen and tremble. I am his Private Secretary, and I
tell you so. He is absolutely suffering inconvenience ! ”
Ho, no!” cried the Pilot, with his hands before his tear-bc-
dunmed eyes.
“ But I say, Yes, yes. You have not hugged the shore nearly
enough.”
“With the Sow and Piggies before us, it would be unwise to go
nearer—there might be danger,” and the Pilot wrung his hands in
despair.
“ If you didn’t there would be danger of his Lordship being-”
and the young man of commanding appearance whispered the rest.
“ Anything rather than that! ” shrieked the Pilot, beside himself
with respectful horror. “ Ease her! Stopper ! Turn her astarn, and
port your helm ! ”
These orders were promptly obeyed, and five minutes later there
was a crash, and the Joyful lay wrecked upon some jagged rocks.
Clinging to a masthead appeared the Pilot talking to a Peer of the
Realm.
“Oh, my Lord; thL is too much! I am not worthy of such an
honour! ” and the Pilot actually blushed with pleasure.
“ Pardon me ; you arc worthy of the honour,” replied the Peer of
the Realm, firmly ; and he shook hands for the second time with his
untitled companion. “ I repeat, 1 am personally obliged to you.”
“ No, no—my Lord, my Lord, how can I thank you ? ”
“I require no thanks; on the contrary, you have deserved my
respect—nay, gratitude—yes, gratitude,” and the eyes of the noble
filled with tears. Mastering his emotion, he continued, “ Yes ’ the
gratitude of the whole world is most j ustly your due ; for, had you
not lost your ship by hugging the shore, the Earl of Hackney Downs
might have been—sea-sick ! ”
A BLOW FOR THE BLOWHOLES.
The Railway Yenttlatoixs. Before the Select Committee, Mr.
Spin nidge examined : Is a practical chemist, and a Shareholder of a
Railway Company; also a. frequenter of the Thames Embankment.
In relation to that magnificent Terrace, considers the \ entilators
vast improvements. Thinks them both useful and ornamental at tlxe
same time. Ornamental not only in an architectural sense, but also
by reason of the products of combustion of coke and coal, which issue
from them in steam and smoke, and in so doing so gracefully curl,
as the poet sings. LTseful, too, in virtue of those same ingredients
the disinfecting gases and vapours they exhale, which include fumes
of carbonic acid as well as carbonic oxide, and sulphurous acid, and
sulphuretted hydrogen. Believes that their exhalations likewise
contain a very considerable proportion of ozone, an aeriform sub-
stance of acknowledged remedial agency in bronchitis and. asthma,
1: aware of the meaning of the Virgilian word, “Mephitis;” sup-
poses it meant Mephistopheles, and considers that expression, applied
to the sanitary and odoriferous effluvia of the Ventilators on the
1 Thames Embankment, a reckless calumny. Is accustomed to send
1 his children to that open space for change of air.
Vol. S5.
1