Punch (85.1883)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

November 3, 1883.]

1=—-

THE SPEAKER.

(A Handbook to Ready-made Oratory.)

\

Part II.—Political Stump Speeches.

The Parliamentary Debater who is permitted by his party to per-
ambulate the country for the purpose of indulging- in “out-of-Session
utterances” is invariably a practised Speaker. At Westminster he
has been tried before all sorts of audiences, from the full House of a
“big fight” right down to the “two men and a Speaker” of a “nothing-
serious-on” dinner-hour. Consequently it would be an act of superero-
gation, not to add impertinence, to teach such an orator what to say
and how to say it. For all that the Stump Speaker may be benefited
by a few practical hints. It will be as well for his Private Secretary,
having obtained a chart of his Chiefs projected tour, to go over the
ground beforehand, either in person or in spirit, as “ an agent in
advance.” The Secretary should ascertain the characteristics of the
people who live in the various places through which his master will
have to travel, and then should proceed to draw up a sort of tabular
report. For instance, say the Fight Hon. Sir.Maypole Waistcoat
intends a little trip to the West. He is going from England to Ire-
land, and returns by Wales. The following might be an extract
from the Private Secretary’s memorandum-book:—

Name op
Town.

General

Idea.

Safe

Subjects.

Unsafe

Subjects.

Useful Facts to he

REMEMBERED.

Blunderton.

English Sea-

The beauty

The Corrupt

That the borough


port, with

of the Town

Practices at

was disfranchised


Fishermen

Hall. The

Lie ctions

for bribery.


Voters.

repeal of the
Spirit Du-
ties. Advo-
cacy of in-
creased pay
to the Crew
of the Life-
boat.

Act, and the
success of
the Interna-
tional Fish-
eries Exhi-
bition.

That for many years
the more respect-
able of the inhabi-
tants have been
attempting to ac-
complish a Post-
Office Mail job.

Castle Shille-

Irish Home-

Only one

Every other

That the last Member

lagh.

Rule centre.

quite safe—
Whiskey.

When sober
enough to
understand
the purport
of a speak-
er’s remarks
the inhabi-
tants will
cheer the

n a me of

Charles

S T E W A R T
Parnell.

subject save
the con-

sumption of
alcohol.

was shot at four
times, and only
saved by local un-
steadiness of aim.

That they always try
to kill strangers.

Glenbyggygy

Welsh iforo’,

The increase

The veracity

That ninety - nine

owing every-

ofExcursion

of Welsh-

hundredths of the


thing to the

Trains. The

men. The

audience don’t un-

I

beauty ofad-
jacent scen-
ery, which
attracts
wealthy tou-
rists .

Eisteddfod.

charms of
North Lln-
dypppyd, a
rival beauty
spot.

derstand English,
and that the re-
mainder speak no-
thing but Welsh.

Of course the above is merely the roughest of rough guides. A.
good Private Secretary will find out whether a political speaker has
ever been killed. by a brickbat or pelted with rotten eggs. He will
see that his Chief is properly dressed to meet any emergency. In
Blunderton the Fight Hon. Maypole might wear a yachting costume
to suggest that his heart is in the proper place, and sympathises with
the toilers of the sea. In Castle Shillelagh a complete suit of steel
armour, worn under the cloth clothes, would be imperatively neces-
sary to prevent accidents. For Gflenbyggygy, a dress suggesting
intimate acquaintanceship with the more respectable of the Music
Hall agents would seem advisable. There are a number of “ Bards ”
wandering about Wales who would feel impressed at meeting a
gentleman who appeared likely to be able to get them “ a turn ” at
some Metropolitan “ Palace of Varieties.” As to the subject-matter
of the speech, that is an affair of no great importance. Of course the
oration should be written out beforehand, and “ communicated” to
the Press, for transmission to London. What is actually spoken on
the spot is seldom heard by anyone save the renorter, who, however,
having a “ corrected slip,” listens with very little attention. The
stumper must do his best to keep his temper. He must remember
that although his words are intended for the whole world, upon his
personal demeanour will depend the party retention of a seat. He
consequently will do his best to be all smiles and affability. If he
happen to have rather a quick temper, it will be as well for him to

rehearse the part he will have to play, with his Private Secretary,
who should be an accomplished Amateur Actor. To more fully
explain the meaning of the above, the Guide drops for the nonce into
a dramatic form :—

Scene—Interior of the Right Hon. Gentleman's Study. Mr. Ten-
tereore (the Private Secretary) discovered awaiting his Chief's
appearance. Enter. Sir Maypole. Mr. Tentereore rushes up
to him, and seizes him by the hand.

Sir Maypole. This is the proudest-

Mr. Tenter fore (interrupting). Stop, Sir Maypole! I am imper-
sonating the Mayor, and in that character must shake hands with
you for ten minutes, and talk rubbish to you for three-quarters of an
hour.

Sir Maypole. All right! Go on! [His Secretary goes on.

Mr. Tenterfore. Stop, stop, Sir Maypole ! You are actually
going to sleep!

Sir Maypole. Only closing my eyes, my dear fellow—only closing
my eyes.

Mr. Tenterfore. But you mustn’t close your eyes. And that
speech-receiving smile of yours is scarcely natural enough.

Sir Maypole {annoyed). Tut, tut! And yet I have practised it
every day for the last six months, in the looking-glass, while I was
shaving!

Mr. Tenterfore (encouragingly). Oh, it wall come in time. And
now, Sir Maypole, will you please mount this table ?

[The Right Hon. Gentleman obeys, and immediately comes a
“ cropper."

Sir Maypole {getting up). I say, this is beyond a joke! I have
hurt myself!

Mr. Tenterfore. I got a weak table purposely. Sorry to inconve-
nience you, Sir Maypole, but you must accustom yourself to these
little contretemps. And now, if you will make your speech, I will
interrupt you in the customary places, and pelt you at the points
where I think it is most probable jtou will receive a hot reception.

Sir Maypole {doubtfully). I say, you have no stones or dirty
water ?

Mr. Tenterfore {appeasingly). Oh, dear no ! Only a few harmless
cabbages ! I premise not to throw them too hard.

[Scene closes in upon the Right Hon. Gentleman learning his
lesson.

It will be seen from the above that the speeches of a first-class
political Stump Orator require considerable rehearsal before they can
be considered ready for the public ear. If the Speaker is very
popular, and selects his resting places, or rather non-resting places,
with care, no doubt he will escape the pelting and interruptions.
But he can never feel thoroughly safe from the other inflictions. He
must always put up with the fussy garrulity of provincial nobodies,
and -will scarcely ever be able to quite rely upon the stability of his
platform. It will be as well for him to glance at the table or chair
he is invited to occupy before mounting. Some furniture will not
stand fervid eloquence. He should avoid hurling messages of defiance
at anyone unless he is standing in a waggon or a railway carriage.
If he wishes to be unusually emphatic, he should carry his own plat-
form with him. But this should be only done in an acute crisis, as
the local upholsterer might consider himself defrauded of his just
perquisites.

To sum up. A political Stump Orator should attend chiefly to the
necessities of the outer man. He must look after his voice, and be
careful not to catch cold. He should go to bed wdth his head
swathed in flannel, and live chiefly upon rump steak and cough
lozenges. If he obeys these rules, he will return to the bosom of his
family but little the worse for wear. As for his speeches, they can
shift for themselves. And it is a notable fact that the speeches of
some stumping Parliamentarians are particularly shifty.

“FALSELY THUE.”

{Dedicated, without resped, to Lord Rossmore.)

Disloyal loyalty that breaks the lav/

In Law’s own name ! Contending crows that caw7
Mutual defiance harsh, from field to field,

As well might shelter spite ’neath Law’s broad shield.
This loyal service of the Sovereign State F
Not so, egregious Lord, but Party hate,

Sectarian fury. Genuine loyalty
Needs covert none of the fanatic lie.

The book singled out by the Times Feviewer as the successful
novel for this Fisheries Exhibition year is called, most appropri-
ately, John Herring. Probably some relation to John Dory.

“Young Folks’ Ways.”—A Pantomime version of this will pro-
bably be given at Christmas, called The Other Hikes' Ways.