Punch (85.1883)

September 1, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

97

THE BATHING MACHINE.

A Study op a Rare Old Conservative.

ehold an old relic of old-
fashioned days,
Recalling the coaches,
the hoy, and jiost-
chaise !

It lias not advanced in a
timber or wheel,

Since first it was fash-
ioned by Benjamin
Beale.

It is not aesthetic, nor
yet picturesque,

’Tis heavy and cumbrous,
expensive, grotesque—
And I feel very certain
there never was seen
Such an old-fashioned thing
as a Bathing Machine !

The windows won’t open,
the doors never tit,
The Boor is strewn over
Avith pebbles and grit;
A looking-glass too, Avith
a silverless back.

A pinless pincushion, a
broken boot-jack:

It smells of old seaweed,
’tis mouldy and grim,

’Tis sloppy and stuffy, ’tis dismal and dim—
’Tis a deer-cart, a fish-van, or something between;
Oh, a hideous hutch is the Bathing Machine !

The driver savs “ Right! ” and he raps at the door ;

He starts Avith a jerk, and you sit on the floor !

It creaks and it rattles, you rise and yomfall,

And bound to and fro like a mad tennis-ball!

Again there’s a lurch, and you nearly fall flat,

And first sprain your ancle, then tread jhi your hat—
While you ’re bumped and you ’re battered, bruised blue, black,
and green,

In that horrid contrivance, the Bathing Machine!

HOW WILL IT WORK ?

“ According to a list Ave printed the other day, sev'eral Englishmen have
I made vast acquisitions of land in the Western and Southern States of the Union,.
| British dukes and earls figure in the statement for many hundreds of thou-
sands of acres.”—Daily Daper.

The highly interesting question here raised may be best solved by
J a brief extract from the Parliamentary Reports of the day—say, a
1 generation or two hence, as under :—

HOUSE OF LORDS. April 1, 1083.

On the Lord Chancellor taking his seat as usual on the Wool-
sack at a quarter past four—

The Duke of Denver said,—He had no wish to be too smart on the
learned Boss who presided over this august Assembly, but he Avanted,
as a British Peer speaking from the other side of the Atlantic, to be
informed Avhy the sack on which his Lordship Avas fixed up in that
House Avas stuffed Avith Colonial Wool instead of American Cotton r
The latter was far cheaper, and, he believed, Avhen properly doctored
Avith line shavings by a patent of his own—about which he guessed
he Avould have something to say to their Lordships later—far softer
as chair stuffing, as his Lordship would find out if he tried a speci-
men or tAvo he had brought with him, and noAv in the Lobby. He
hoped he was not misunderstood. Meantime he Avould lay a pro-
spectus of the concern upon the table.

The Duke of Buccleuch, who was proud to say he owned not a
single acre beyond the seas, and spoke as the largest holder of landed
property in the three kingdoms, denounced the proposition as another
bit of encroaching Yankee impertinence. It Avas true that, OAving to
the operation of successive Land Laws, all that noAv was left to him
was the freehold of his Park-like Villa at Walham Green ; but still
such proprietorship should, he trusted, have its legitimate weight
Avith their Lordships. It was with a blush of shame that he reminded
the noble Duke that his illustrious ancestor, the Marquis of Salis-
bury', Avas an Englishman first and a speculator afterwards,
j Lord Fortescue considered such retorts simple downright cussed-
ness, and cutely calculated to Avaste the time of the House. He
wished to knoAv, too, why the two dozen extra spittoons that their
Lordships had determined to have in the Robing Room had not yet

been handed in. If Black Rod had been cornering over that job, he
should vote that that sniggering official be skewered out of his snug
box pretty sharp with an apple-slicer.

Lord Aberdeen guessed he was of the same opinion.

After some desultory criticism on the propriety of the recent
fashion introduced by some noble Lords of amusing themseh'es by
whittling during the delivery of the Speech from the Throne,

The Duke of Richmond, Gordon and Griggsville introduced his
Bill for the better preservation and expansion of the Tinned Pork
Monopoly Acts. He explained its provisions. He said that, speak-
ing Avith some warmth on behalf of the American pig-producing
interest, the measure he now proposed would make the sale of
British-fed pork practicaUy impossible. This would be simply
effected by requiring a heavy licence to be taken out by the home
producer, Avhile the curing of British-fed bacon would be made penal.
The impetus given to the American productive trade by such paternal
legislation Avould be obvious. The Tinned Pork trade would receive
a legitimate protection, and large breeders in the States, like him-
self, would get that proper encouragement from the State that they
not only expected, but had an hereditary and constitutional right to
demand.

Lord Carlingford, speaking as one of the most powerful iand-
OAvners in New Jericho, said he was darned glad to hear that obser-
vation. Upon Avhich

The Archbishop of Y ore rose, and, amid a scene of some excite-
ment, asked the Lord Chancellor if, as a Spiritual Peer, he Avas
bound to listen to language that he had just been given to under-
stand Avas more fitting to the atmosphere of an American drinking
saloon. He did not like it.

The, Duke of Norfolk said that, speaking as a genuine Frisco
straight-outer, he would in that case advise the Right Reverend
Prelate to leave it; and he continued to point out that Old A ork and
New York were not precisely on the same spiritual platform.

Lord Roavton was of opinion that second-class banter came hut
badly from the Premier Duke of England. His peerage could only
date' hack to the Victorian era; hut he would rather sign himself
fourth Baron than be largely interested in a Bogus Embalming busi-
ness, and callous as to the use of a big big D.

The Earl of Slicksburg said that, speaking for his great ancestor,
the first Lord Cairns, he regarded the latter portion of the Noble
Lord’s speech as purely personal, and that he felt hound to argue the
: matter out forcibly. Whereupon

The Lord Chancellor intimated that if there was to he any firing,
he trusted to the good sense of their Lordships’ House, to give him
ample time to get safe under the Woolsack.

The usual formalities were then proceeded with ; and, after a brisk
use of six-shooters all round, the debate was hastily adjourned till
to-day, Avithout a division.

THE SILVER TEMS !

The butiful River’s a-running to Town,

It never runs up, but alters runs down,

Weather it rains, or weather it snos ;

And where it all cums from, noboddy nose.

The young swell Boatmen drest in Avhite,

To their Mothers’ arts must be a delite ;

At roein or skullin the gals is sutch dabs,

For they makes no Fowls and they ketches no Crabs.

The payshent hangler sets in a punt,

Willee ketch kold ? I opes as he wunt.

I Avotches him long, witch I states is fax,

He dont ketch nothin but Ticklebacks.

The prudent Ferryman sets under cover,

Waiting to take me from one shore to t’other;

I calls out “ Hover ! ” and hover he roes,

If he aint sober then hover avc goes.

When it’s poring with rane and a tempest a-bloAvin,

A penny don’t seem mutch for this here rowin ;

And wen the River’s as ruff as the Sea,

I thinks of the tAATo I’d sooner be me.

For when I’m at work at Ampton or Lea,

Waitin at dinner, or waitin at tea, _

I gits as much from a yewthful Pair
As he gits in a day for all that there.

Then let me bless my lucky Star
That made me a Waiter and not a Tar;

And the werry nex time I ’ve a glass of old Sherry,

I ’ll drink to the pore chap as roes that ’ere Ferry.

Robert.

Mrs. Ramsbotham says her favourite poem is “ Gray’s Effigy.”

Vol. S3.

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