Punch (85.1883)

October 13, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDOiN CHARIVARI.

169

HIPS V. BRACES.

Sketch of Two Gentlemen who cannot Agree on the Question.

HISS OWN IDEA!

[Moral Philosophy of Sage and Onions.)

Hissed in the streets the King of Spain,

Who came expecting acclamation,

Felt, probably, some little pain
When he was met with execration.

Well—some there are whose hisses me
Would rather than their plaudits flatter ;

Proud of the former I should be,

Ashamed to have deserved the latter.

When people hiss me, what, whilst I
Applaud myself ?—as I do ever.

Their noise can only signify
That I’ve done something good or clever.

And so whene’er I’m hissed, I say,

Hiss on ; for honour I’m your debtor ;

Hard as you ’re able hiss away;

Hiss, hiss, the more you hiss the better !

Diogenes Tubhouse.

Crumbs oe Comfort for the Alderman and Baker
"who was Bred up in the City. — Judging from the
bitterness shown by the “Livery,” who would have
selected the Gay Bachelor Baker Mr. Alderman Hadley
for the Mayoralty, that Livery must be very “livery”
indeed : quite j aundiced. Mr. Baker Hadley is natur-
ally, and professionally, crusty about it; but the Munici-
pal Patres Conscripti do not consider him as sufficiently
the Upper Crust for the elevated position. Never mind,
Mr. Alderman and Baker! You can, if this is any crumb
of comfort to you, tell your brother Aldermen that their
conduct is unchristian, and you can say to them, as a
Baker, 1 ‘ Dough as you’d be done by.” Or you can make
light of your own discomfiture, and, a propos of its
having been Michaelmas Day when you were rejected,
you can say, pleasantly, that ‘ ‘ the Geese have saved the
City.” Well, well; if to be a bachelor be your fault and
misfortune, Mr. Alderman Hadley, may you speedily
become a qualified Benedick,—may you live till you
marry —and after. So farewell, Baker! As oven as we
think of thee, Baker, we will say, “May Oven bless
thee! ”

ONWARDS ! OR, A LITTLE FURTHER STILL.

(Projected S. E. R. Alterations and Arrangements for the ensuing Month.)

1. The lO'lO p.m. train from Charing Cross to Lewisham will, in
future, be 90 instead of, as usual, 55 minutes behind time at New
Cross.

2. An additional siding will be opened five miles from Edenbridge,
for the convenience of passengers by the 8T5 p.m. train to Canter-
bury, who will not be able to get there till 11'22 the next morning.

3. The up day Parliamentary from Dover will not proceed further
than Merstham Tunnel; but passengers getting out in the dark will
be allowed to grope their way out, and be taken as far back again as
Ashford in a coal-truck on paying the regular excess-fare.

4. The 8T7 train from Strood, the 7'9 from Hastings, the 8'18from
Chislehurst, the 9T5 from Paddock Wood, the 10'20 from Greenwich,
the 6‘30 from Margate, the Continental Express, and the five local
suburban trains that have hitherto all arrived at Cannon Street
station together at 3’49 p.m., will, on and after the first of next month,
be joined by the 7T5 and 9‘52 from Croydon, the Hastings Mail, and
seven new supplementary fast trains, crossing them at intervals on
the up and down line. N.B.—Passengers by these trains going out of
their minds and jumping off the Company’s viaduct into Southwark
Street, will be permitted to do so on showing their certificates.

5. The third-class tickets of drunken dustmen, quarrelsome sweeps,
familiar card-sharpers, foul-mouthed costermongers, and raving
excursionists, will be available at all the Company’s Stations for a
journey in any first-class carriage, provided always not less than
fifteen endeavour to crush into a compartment already occupied by
six quiet and respectable first-class passengers.

_ 6. The Company will not hold themselves responsible for the con-
dition of their rolling stock, and the attention of travellers is
specially directed to the new Bye-law, which enjoins that in the
event of the bottom of a carriage coming out, the occupants will not
be _ allowed to follow it on to the three-foot way without paying
twice the amount of their original fares, plus the difference between
the point of their unexpected descent and their ultimate destination.

7. For the convenience of suburban passengers visiting the

theatres, a train of horse-boxes, fitted up with straw, will leave
Charing Cross at midnight, and be shunted, as circumstances require,
in the immediate neighbourhood of Spa Rnad or Blackheath.

8. Season ticket holders found strangling the Traffic Manager or
stray Directors unawares, without being able to furnish any suffi-
ciently satisfactory reason for their conduct will be proseputed by
the Company’s Solicitors.

9. The General Meeting of the Company will be held on the 5th of
November next, and as a very important resolution connected with the
carrying about of the Chairman in his own chair, with an evening
display of fireworks, will be proposed to the Shareholders, it is to be
hoped that they will attend in full numbers.

“ SANITAS SANITATUM.”

“ The angel of death is, so to speak, hovering over a doomed land, and he
descends on those spots which are the foulest.”—Sir Richard Temple's
Address at the Social Science Congress.

The Angel of Death, quoth Sir Richard, comes down
On spots that are foulest in every town ;

Then flush out your sewers and clean all your drains,

And see that no refuse among you remains ;

Be spruce as a school-boy made smart by pomatum,

And write on your shields “ Sanitas sanitatum.'”

Remember that dirt, which top often one sees,

Is the herald of deadly zymotic disease,

That fever and dirt are convertible terms,

Since the one brings the other by fostering germs ;

In your clean bill of health let there be no erratum,

And. write at the top “ Sanitas sanitatum.”

When he wanders abroad, many a tourist has known
All the wonderful smeRs of the town of Cologne ;

So take warning by that, and for ever decline

To be classed with that sewer-gassy place on the Rhine ;

Let your cities be sweet, is the bard’s ultimatum,

And stick to the text, “ Sanitas sanitatum.”

Vol. 85

6—2