DOI issue:
November 17, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17755#0242
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[November 17, 1883.
SAFE BIND, SAFE FIND!”
Young Spoonbill. “Ah, my dearest Miss Shillinworth, if I may-1
HAVE LONG WISHED FOR THIS SWEET OPPORTUNITY, BUT I HARDLY DARE TRUST
MYSELF NOW TO SPEAK THE DEEP EMOTION-BUT, ’n SHORT, I LoArE YTOU !—
AND —YOUR —Y'OUR SMILE WOULD SHED—WOULD SHED—WOULD —-”
Miss S. “Oh, never mind the Wood-shed! How’s your Aunt’s Money
INVESTED ? AND WHERE ARE THE SECURITIES DEPOSITED ? M ’
PHEASANT BUTCHERS.
[In six days 8,312 head of game were killed with six guns on
the English estate of the Maharajah Dhuleep Singh.]
In days of old the Squire went out
Upon his land with dog and gun,
Cheered Ponto with a kindly shout,
Saw pheasants rise and rabbits run ;
Flushed the brown partridge from the beet,
Or haply shot the timid hare ;
And wot ye well such sport was sweet,
When golden Autumn days were fair.
But now the Millionnaire will stand,
Or sit a-near the covert side,
With guns men wait on either hand,
He need not take a single stride;
But dawdles through the livelong day,
And pots the birds that scarce can Hy,
And as he idly sits to slay,
In thousands round him they will lie.
And this is sport ? Ah no ! it shames
The ancient spirit of our race ;
No place this wholesale slaughter claims,
’Mid field-sports like the nobler chase.
Go take those strange four-barrelled guns,*
Or other plutocratic freak,
Like butchers, oh, degenerate sons
Of England, to where shambles reek !
* The latest invention of an enterprising gunmaker, an
abominable and most unsportsmanlike weapon. If this sort of
thing is to go on, we shall see men take a mitrailleuse out
shooting !
The Montefiore Commemoration.—What a grand
reward for a virtuous and beneficent life, to have the
commencement of your hundredth year celebrated by a
procession, with elephants and camels in it, arranged hy
a Circus Manager! Of course it never could have occurred
to the Circus people that this was a fine opportunity for
an advertisement._
Absit Omen !—The last days of the Municipality have
commenced. On the Ninth of November, at the Guildhall
Banquet, there was the tremendous spectacle of a Lord
Mayor quoting Latin .... and Greek : ! ! It is the begin-
ning of the end. _
“Wasn’t there a great scholar called .Julius Scav-
enger F ” asked Mrs. Ramsbotham of her Nephew.
“IN THE MATTER OF
A PRISONER/
(Probable Proceedings if the same Secrecy is observed towards Laymen
as Solicitors.)
Yesterday a person (it is impossible to give the sex, for fear of
affording a clue to identification) was brought before the presiding
Magistrate at a certain Police-Court, chai’ged with committing either
a felony or a misdemeanor. The Prisoner, upon being placed in the
dock, was immediately oi’dered to be removed hy his Worship, as the
person had not been clothed in the new regulation mask and disguise-
cloak. Upon these necessaries having been supplied, the Prisoner
was readmitted, and the charge was read in a whisper to the Magis-
trate. A Gentleman of the Long Rohe appeared to prosecute, and
the Prisoner was defended by a Solicitor.
The Magistrate. Are there any Witnesses P
Prosecuting Counsel. Several—they are in the waiting-room.
The Magistrate. I cannot possibly consent to have them in Court.
Were they seen they would be immediately recognised, and the
privacy now enforced by statute would consequently be lost.
Defendant's Solicitor. I had foreseen this objection, your Worship,
and as my Client is most anxious that the complaint against him or
her (as the case may be) should he fully investigated, I have arranged
that you shall listen to their evidence through a telephone.
The Magistrate. A very proper precaution. The matter may now
proceed.
Telephones having been supplied to his Worship, the representa-
tives of the parties interested, and also to the Prisoner, the case
commenced. After a whispered examination and cross-examination
of the Witnesses for the prosecution, the Magistrate asked the
Prisoner to make a statement, if a statement were considered
desirable.
Defendant's Solicitor. If you hear the voice of the Prisoner, surely
the sex will he identified.
The Magistrate {severely). You must he very ignorant, Sir, of the
manner in which I conduct my Court, if you believe I could permit
such a miscarriage of justice! {To Usher.) Supply the Prisoner
with the Punch-squeak, known in the Puppet Trade as “the Call.”
This useful article (which completely disguises the natural voice)
having been supplied, the Prisoner reserved the defence.
The Magistrate. Yery well, then, you are committed for trial,
and, under the circumstances, I must refuse to accept bail for your
appearance in a Superior Court.
Prisoner {speaking in a peculiar falsetto through the Pu?ich-squeak).
But won’t they discover who I am, your Worship, when I am lodged
in the House of Detention ?
The Magistrate. Certainly not, Anonymous One, as_ every precau-
tion will be taken to protect your incognito. You will continue to
wear your mask, and you will be supplied, on admission, with a
domino equally applicable to either sex.
The Prisoner, having thanked his Worship (through the lunch-
squeak) for his courtesy and consideration, was then removed in the
charge of a male and female warder.
The proceedings then terminated.
AMONG THE “new RULES.”
When any public professional person is maliciously and unfairly
criticised, whether as an Actor, Author, or _ Singer, he can bring his
action against the malevolent Critic at Nisi Prius as a Running
Down Case.” ___
Mrs. Ramsbotiiam says the Champagne she^ likes best of all is
Promissory. The name being disputed hy her Nephew, a bottle was-
nroduced. It was Pommery. “I said Pommery,” answered Mrs.
Ramsbotham. “ And the next best Champagne, I used to think,.,
was Hiaeandseek.”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[November 17, 1883.
SAFE BIND, SAFE FIND!”
Young Spoonbill. “Ah, my dearest Miss Shillinworth, if I may-1
HAVE LONG WISHED FOR THIS SWEET OPPORTUNITY, BUT I HARDLY DARE TRUST
MYSELF NOW TO SPEAK THE DEEP EMOTION-BUT, ’n SHORT, I LoArE YTOU !—
AND —YOUR —Y'OUR SMILE WOULD SHED—WOULD SHED—WOULD —-”
Miss S. “Oh, never mind the Wood-shed! How’s your Aunt’s Money
INVESTED ? AND WHERE ARE THE SECURITIES DEPOSITED ? M ’
PHEASANT BUTCHERS.
[In six days 8,312 head of game were killed with six guns on
the English estate of the Maharajah Dhuleep Singh.]
In days of old the Squire went out
Upon his land with dog and gun,
Cheered Ponto with a kindly shout,
Saw pheasants rise and rabbits run ;
Flushed the brown partridge from the beet,
Or haply shot the timid hare ;
And wot ye well such sport was sweet,
When golden Autumn days were fair.
But now the Millionnaire will stand,
Or sit a-near the covert side,
With guns men wait on either hand,
He need not take a single stride;
But dawdles through the livelong day,
And pots the birds that scarce can Hy,
And as he idly sits to slay,
In thousands round him they will lie.
And this is sport ? Ah no ! it shames
The ancient spirit of our race ;
No place this wholesale slaughter claims,
’Mid field-sports like the nobler chase.
Go take those strange four-barrelled guns,*
Or other plutocratic freak,
Like butchers, oh, degenerate sons
Of England, to where shambles reek !
* The latest invention of an enterprising gunmaker, an
abominable and most unsportsmanlike weapon. If this sort of
thing is to go on, we shall see men take a mitrailleuse out
shooting !
The Montefiore Commemoration.—What a grand
reward for a virtuous and beneficent life, to have the
commencement of your hundredth year celebrated by a
procession, with elephants and camels in it, arranged hy
a Circus Manager! Of course it never could have occurred
to the Circus people that this was a fine opportunity for
an advertisement._
Absit Omen !—The last days of the Municipality have
commenced. On the Ninth of November, at the Guildhall
Banquet, there was the tremendous spectacle of a Lord
Mayor quoting Latin .... and Greek : ! ! It is the begin-
ning of the end. _
“Wasn’t there a great scholar called .Julius Scav-
enger F ” asked Mrs. Ramsbotham of her Nephew.
“IN THE MATTER OF
A PRISONER/
(Probable Proceedings if the same Secrecy is observed towards Laymen
as Solicitors.)
Yesterday a person (it is impossible to give the sex, for fear of
affording a clue to identification) was brought before the presiding
Magistrate at a certain Police-Court, chai’ged with committing either
a felony or a misdemeanor. The Prisoner, upon being placed in the
dock, was immediately oi’dered to be removed hy his Worship, as the
person had not been clothed in the new regulation mask and disguise-
cloak. Upon these necessaries having been supplied, the Prisoner
was readmitted, and the charge was read in a whisper to the Magis-
trate. A Gentleman of the Long Rohe appeared to prosecute, and
the Prisoner was defended by a Solicitor.
The Magistrate. Are there any Witnesses P
Prosecuting Counsel. Several—they are in the waiting-room.
The Magistrate. I cannot possibly consent to have them in Court.
Were they seen they would be immediately recognised, and the
privacy now enforced by statute would consequently be lost.
Defendant's Solicitor. I had foreseen this objection, your Worship,
and as my Client is most anxious that the complaint against him or
her (as the case may be) should he fully investigated, I have arranged
that you shall listen to their evidence through a telephone.
The Magistrate. A very proper precaution. The matter may now
proceed.
Telephones having been supplied to his Worship, the representa-
tives of the parties interested, and also to the Prisoner, the case
commenced. After a whispered examination and cross-examination
of the Witnesses for the prosecution, the Magistrate asked the
Prisoner to make a statement, if a statement were considered
desirable.
Defendant's Solicitor. If you hear the voice of the Prisoner, surely
the sex will he identified.
The Magistrate {severely). You must he very ignorant, Sir, of the
manner in which I conduct my Court, if you believe I could permit
such a miscarriage of justice! {To Usher.) Supply the Prisoner
with the Punch-squeak, known in the Puppet Trade as “the Call.”
This useful article (which completely disguises the natural voice)
having been supplied, the Prisoner reserved the defence.
The Magistrate. Yery well, then, you are committed for trial,
and, under the circumstances, I must refuse to accept bail for your
appearance in a Superior Court.
Prisoner {speaking in a peculiar falsetto through the Pu?ich-squeak).
But won’t they discover who I am, your Worship, when I am lodged
in the House of Detention ?
The Magistrate. Certainly not, Anonymous One, as_ every precau-
tion will be taken to protect your incognito. You will continue to
wear your mask, and you will be supplied, on admission, with a
domino equally applicable to either sex.
The Prisoner, having thanked his Worship (through the lunch-
squeak) for his courtesy and consideration, was then removed in the
charge of a male and female warder.
The proceedings then terminated.
AMONG THE “new RULES.”
When any public professional person is maliciously and unfairly
criticised, whether as an Actor, Author, or _ Singer, he can bring his
action against the malevolent Critic at Nisi Prius as a Running
Down Case.” ___
Mrs. Ramsbotiiam says the Champagne she^ likes best of all is
Promissory. The name being disputed hy her Nephew, a bottle was-
nroduced. It was Pommery. “I said Pommery,” answered Mrs.
Ramsbotham. “ And the next best Champagne, I used to think,.,
was Hiaeandseek.”