Punch: Punch (97.1889)

PUNCH,

LONDON CHARIVARI.

45


Mr. Chamberlain proposes to abolish a number of Ornamental Royal Offices, such as
the Master of the Buckhounds, and the Hereditary Grand Falconer. A great
chance for Madame Tussaud. These Figures will soon be added to the Collection.

MAMMONS MARTYR.

I feel, it’s natural, of course,

What Doctors call my “vital force”

Is all expended;

I’ve headaches sometimes rather bad,
And, on the whole, I ’in very glad
The Season’s ended.

At garden parties oft one gains,

On damp lawns, queer rheumatic pains ;
And talks idyllic

Beneath wet trees whence falls a spray,
Lead to the acid, doctors say,

Is salicylic.

From a hot concert-room or ba.ll,
Neuralgic pains will oft befall
A hapless maiden ;

While over-ventilated rooms
Are like so many living tombs,

With phthisis laden.

And whether one is host or guest,

The wily plumber does his best,

_ Methinks, to kill us ;

Within his untrapped drains there lurks
What no one all his lifetime shirks,

The gay bacillus.

I’m tired of pleasure’s endless round ;
My voice has quite a feeble sound ;

_ I’ve every reason,

To think I need some stringing up,

So Jenner’s hand shall brim the cup,

To end the Season.

General and Particular.

Inquirer. Is General Boulanger good-
looking P

Informant. Not bad. But, as representing
another General, he may be styled a “pretty
fellow.”

Inquirer {interested). Another General!
What other General does he represent ?

Informant. “ Pretty General Discontent.”

TURNED TO ACCOUNT!

{A Fragment from the History of the next Invasion.)

London was in danger; nay, more, London was in the hands of
the enemy. The Chinese Barbarians had, without difficulty,
destroyed the British Fleet, and made their way up the Thames !
They had landed at Westminster, and were now marching on Charing
Cross. They had met Englishmen on their own ground, with their
own weapons, discarding their terror-inspiring shields for magazine
rifles of the most modern fashion. The Commandant of the Guards
sadly awaited the advance in the yard of St. George’s Barracks.

“We are lost,” he murmured ; “oh, why was not the warning of
Sir Harry Yerney respected? Why was the National Portrait
Gallery built here ! We are deprived of space, and all for the sake
of some pictures that no one cares to see! ”

“We are no match for them Chinese, my Lord,” replied the old
Regimental Sergeant-Major; “they outnumber us by thirty to
one. I will be sworn, our field state is no more than three hundred,
all told ! Bless me, my Lord! I do believe there are more portraits
in the Gallery yonder than men in tire Barracks over there! ”

“Eureka!” shouted the Commandant, excitedly. “Sergeant-
Major you have given me an idea! We may yet save London!

Fall in the men and--” he whispered the rest.

******

The Chinese troops came on and on. They seized Parliament Street
and Whitehall! They slaughtered the cows in St. James’s Park!
Oh, it was a dreadful moment for Londoners !

At length the invaders were opposite the National Gallery, outside
which the Guards were now drawn up. The remainder of the British
Army were standing at ease, with what seemed to be posters pendant
before them after the fashion of perambulating sandwich-men. Their
backs were turned to the enemy ! The Chinese commenced to
charge! “ Right about turn ! ” shouted the British Commander.

The Guards faced about, displaying the canvasses, which served
as breastplates. The Chinese wavered. Then, with an unearthly
yell, the Asiatics fell upon their knees and surrendered!

“I thought they would be frightened out of their wits by those

wretched daubs! ” muttered the British Commander, as he took the
entire Chinese Army prisoners.

Yes, London was saved, and by the contents of the National Por-
trait Gallery!

A NOTE FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

Having been asked by numerous Correspondents “why I did not
proffer my own services to the accused before the Special Commission
after they had lost the aid of their originally-selected advocates?”
May I be permitted to answer, that I did on the impulse of the
moment feel inclined to come to their succour, but after a second’s
reflection, decided that it would be far better to wait until my
services had been formally requested. That Mr. Parnell has dis-
pensed with the assistance of Sir Charles Russell and Mr. Asquith,
is really no proof that the Member for Cork City is in any way
dissatisfied with the conduct of the Counsel who thus far have
represented him. I should be very sorry indeed, and very loth
indeed, to suppose that the Hon. Gentleman, by severing his con-
nection with my learned friends, wishes to suggest, that he would
be happier if I appeared in their place. Nay, I will go further
and declare, that I believe such an idea absolutely preposterous,
because, really and truly, both Sir Charles and Mr. Asquith have
done their work in a manner that has met with my entire approba-
tion. So, I would urge upon Mr. Parnell and the other interested
parties in the suit, not to place me in a position of very great
embarrassment. I can assure them that there is little left to do.
After the excellent address of Sir Charles Russell, a second speech
on the same subject from me might, perhaps, have the effect of an anti-
climax. True it is that, recognising as I do the duty I owe to my
fellow-man, I am always reluctant to decline a brief, and, yet I
must deprecate a situation in which I find interests of a conflicting
character, tearing, as it were, my robes and wig asunder. Of
course, my Clerk attends to everything of a professional character
for me, but I shall most deeply regret if that Clerk hands to me a
retainer in any way calculated to wound the feelings of gentlemen
for whose ability I have the profoundest respect.

Pump-handle Court. (Signed) A. Briefless, Junior.