DOI issue:
November 16, 1889
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17688#0234
November 16, 1889.] PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.
« Tree volontiers,” repartit le demon. “ Yous aimez les tableaux changeans : je veux vous contenter.”
Le Liable Boiteux.
XI.
“Mad mirth, and sullen misery !
These divide
The empire of the night, 0 sha-
dowy Guide,.
In this colossal city ! ”
So I, as on we sped. “ Scarce
know I which,
Dulness or wild delirium, poor or
rich,
Most earnestly to pity.”
‘ ‘ Earnestness always either fogs
or hores,”
Chuckled my cicerone. “ Fash-
ion’s doors
Open to every comer,
Save that. You see ’tis not ‘ amu-
sing.’ No!
’Twould lend an extra chill to
Winter’s snow,
And dull the sheen of Sum-
mer.
“Not to amuse oneself! That crowning
curse
Means excommunication. Power of Purse,
Brain, Beauty, all are Yanity,
If they bring not what the world calls ‘ good
fun;’ [‘run,’
With that bad form or vulgar farce will
Though void of taste or sanity.
“ These throngs at least amuse themselves! ”
I saw
A scene to fill a flunkey’s soul with awe—
Gay garments, glittering jewels ;
The raven gloss of swell-cut broadcloth close
With whirling clouds of satin milk-and-
rose,
Bare laces, radiant “ crewels.”
The walls were1 wide, the still electric
sheen, [scene.
Lay like rose-softened sunshine o’er the
Bass murmur, treble twitter,
Mounted in mingled cadences from lips
Lingering o’er mirthful mots and amorous
quips,
Amidst the glow and glitter.
“These bacchanals,” said my Guide, “are
truly ‘ tiled,’ [smiled
“ Save to ourselves. The Mamads might have
Upon such secret orgies ;
Scenes of such varied and voluptuous ease
Wealth’s deft, audacious caterers planned to
please
The Caesars and the Georges.
“ There stands the clever caterer of to-day !
Silenus might have squeezed his winy spray
On his Bardolphian features.
Trim-shaven, smartly clad, with a still smile,
And a subdued half swagger, in the style
Of Mammon’s chosen creatures.
“ He schemes, he manages, he understands,
But lolls with smile-wreathed lips and white
fat hands
Against the curtained portal;
Mercury, Bacchus, Ganymede in one,
But to these strange Olympians better fun
Than any old Immortal.
“ Purveyor he of fashionable mirth,
A genial mask, though earthy of the earth.
You see the clever schemer
Of tedium-proof amusement serves his kind
More than dull praters of the March of Mind,
Or philanthropic dreamers.
“At least they think so, these ‘ smart ’ men,
light maids,
And frisky matrons. Mirth has many grades;
That girl there glittering, hectic,
Laughs with hysteria’s high and crackling
laugh,
Whilst he, her partner, at the risque chaff
Shakes, well-nigh apoplectic.
“ Wine mounts, wit flows, such wit as wine
evokes
In souls to which the lightest social yokes
Are burdens to be lifted.
Laughter with loosened zone is chartered.here.
Different from yon dark slum, whose shadows
With rare gas-jets are rifted ? ” [drear
Different, indeed ! I heard the shrill of song
Crude-burthened raising echoes loud and long
Of mellow maiden-merriment.
How curious the response when stealthy skill
In coarseness on the polished world’s good-
Makes cynical experiment! [will
The fire of passion and the feverish fret
Of speculation rage. Bon-mot and bet,
W ager an cl amorous whisper,
Alternate sound on our ubiquitous ear.
Regard that girl. When saw you eyes more
Lips redder, curl- crop crisper ? [clear,
She, one would say, should still he cloistered up
At home with poetry and her pet pug-pup,
Her music and her novels.
Yet here she smiles where stage-stars strut
and flaunt.
Y/ffiat does young Innocence in a gilded haunt,
Where Caste in coarseness grovels F
“ Caste? Innocence? We must not look too
close. [rose,”
Some here, scarce roses, have lived near the
My guide responded drily.
“The ‘ aleatic tendency,’ you know,
As Robert Louts calls it, must have flow
Or openly or slily.
“ Sense-stir, and Speculation, and the taste
For the adventurous, move the most chaste,
And tickle the most prudent.
In ‘ proper ’ breasts oft lurks a craving hot
For the equivocal—even when not
Immaculately pudent.
“ A curiosity about the ways
Of the Declassees, in our period, plays
Its part in ‘ good ’ society.
’Tis so ‘ amusing,’ this half-world, so rife
With ‘ incidents’ that lend to ton’s dull life
Some touch of chic variety.
“ The gambling-hell and the lupanar ? No!
But Zola adds a zest, high play a glow
To moral tedium vitce.
Think you yon caterer, aiming to Amuse,
Of scurril Momus does not gauge the use
And venal Aphrodite ? ”
“’TWAS A GLORIOUS VICTORY,’’-AND
ADVERTISEMENT!
Dear Mr. Punch,
I have read with the greatest in-
terest a letter to your contemporaries from
Mr. Augustus Harris, in which that accom-
plished and patriotic gentleman suggests,
that there should be a grand collection of
relics in honour of the 75th Anniversary of
the Battle of Waterloo, which is due next
year.
As the Lessee of Drury Lane Theatre
invited co-operation from everybody, I im-
mediately set to work to pick up mementoes
of the glorious victory with—as you will see
— some success. It is my desire that, the
exhibition should he as complete as possible,
and if any feeble efforts of mine can con-
tribute to that end, I shall be more than repaid
for any trouble I may take in the matter.
Subjoined is my first list of exhibits.
Portrait of the Great Duke of Welling-
ton, published some years ago at the
selling price of a penny plain, and twopence
coloured.
Bronze coin, hearing the head of Napoleon
the Third. It is a strange fact that this
valuable piece has been refused by two omni-
bus conductors, showing that latent animosity
still exists between the English and the
French.
Broom carried for many years by the junior
crossing-sweeper of Waterloo Place.
Cards used for playing Napoleon. A propos
of this game, the expression “ going nap ” no
doubt referred to the deposed Emperor’s de-
parture for St. Helena.
Set of wheels from a hroken-up Waterloo
omnibus.
Draft application to the Council of the
Royal United Service Institution asking for
the loan of the skull of Shaw the Life Guards-
man, which has somehow or another found
its way into the Museum of that valuable
organisation.
Gate of the North Toll-house on old
Waterloo Bridge.
Napoleon’s Dream Booh, a cheap and in-
teresting treatise upon Fate, said to have
been used by the greatest General of his age
before all his victories, proving that his success
might have been attributable to the power of
witchcraft. Sold even to this day at a penny
a copy.
Acting edition of the Battle of Waterloo,
drama played at Astley’s.
Pair of quaint old Wellington boots—an
heir-loom.
Card of admission to the “Extra Rooms”
at Madame Tussaud’s, where “Napoleonic
relics” are always on view.
There, Sir; I do not think this bad for a
beginning. But why not have other celebra-
tions ?
Next year the 824th Anniversary of the
Battle of Hastings will he due, when there
might he a grand exhibition of hoarding-
house furniture, in honour of the victory
having been gained at a now favourite water-
ing-place. Then we might have the anniver-
saries of other things—the invention of the
umbrella, the discovery of sugar, the first
mixing of lobster-salad, and so forth.
Of course the difficulty would be to find
a site for the holding of exhibitions appro-
priate to the celebration of these interesting
events.
In the case of the Battle of Waterloo, Mr.
Augustus Harris had a new panorama ready
to hand. For all that, I cannot imagine how
he came to think of such a clever thing!
Yours truly,
Simon Simple Simple-Simon.
Crackup Court, near Fuffborough.
vol. xovn.
X
UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.
« Tree volontiers,” repartit le demon. “ Yous aimez les tableaux changeans : je veux vous contenter.”
Le Liable Boiteux.
XI.
“Mad mirth, and sullen misery !
These divide
The empire of the night, 0 sha-
dowy Guide,.
In this colossal city ! ”
So I, as on we sped. “ Scarce
know I which,
Dulness or wild delirium, poor or
rich,
Most earnestly to pity.”
‘ ‘ Earnestness always either fogs
or hores,”
Chuckled my cicerone. “ Fash-
ion’s doors
Open to every comer,
Save that. You see ’tis not ‘ amu-
sing.’ No!
’Twould lend an extra chill to
Winter’s snow,
And dull the sheen of Sum-
mer.
“Not to amuse oneself! That crowning
curse
Means excommunication. Power of Purse,
Brain, Beauty, all are Yanity,
If they bring not what the world calls ‘ good
fun;’ [‘run,’
With that bad form or vulgar farce will
Though void of taste or sanity.
“ These throngs at least amuse themselves! ”
I saw
A scene to fill a flunkey’s soul with awe—
Gay garments, glittering jewels ;
The raven gloss of swell-cut broadcloth close
With whirling clouds of satin milk-and-
rose,
Bare laces, radiant “ crewels.”
The walls were1 wide, the still electric
sheen, [scene.
Lay like rose-softened sunshine o’er the
Bass murmur, treble twitter,
Mounted in mingled cadences from lips
Lingering o’er mirthful mots and amorous
quips,
Amidst the glow and glitter.
“These bacchanals,” said my Guide, “are
truly ‘ tiled,’ [smiled
“ Save to ourselves. The Mamads might have
Upon such secret orgies ;
Scenes of such varied and voluptuous ease
Wealth’s deft, audacious caterers planned to
please
The Caesars and the Georges.
“ There stands the clever caterer of to-day !
Silenus might have squeezed his winy spray
On his Bardolphian features.
Trim-shaven, smartly clad, with a still smile,
And a subdued half swagger, in the style
Of Mammon’s chosen creatures.
“ He schemes, he manages, he understands,
But lolls with smile-wreathed lips and white
fat hands
Against the curtained portal;
Mercury, Bacchus, Ganymede in one,
But to these strange Olympians better fun
Than any old Immortal.
“ Purveyor he of fashionable mirth,
A genial mask, though earthy of the earth.
You see the clever schemer
Of tedium-proof amusement serves his kind
More than dull praters of the March of Mind,
Or philanthropic dreamers.
“At least they think so, these ‘ smart ’ men,
light maids,
And frisky matrons. Mirth has many grades;
That girl there glittering, hectic,
Laughs with hysteria’s high and crackling
laugh,
Whilst he, her partner, at the risque chaff
Shakes, well-nigh apoplectic.
“ Wine mounts, wit flows, such wit as wine
evokes
In souls to which the lightest social yokes
Are burdens to be lifted.
Laughter with loosened zone is chartered.here.
Different from yon dark slum, whose shadows
With rare gas-jets are rifted ? ” [drear
Different, indeed ! I heard the shrill of song
Crude-burthened raising echoes loud and long
Of mellow maiden-merriment.
How curious the response when stealthy skill
In coarseness on the polished world’s good-
Makes cynical experiment! [will
The fire of passion and the feverish fret
Of speculation rage. Bon-mot and bet,
W ager an cl amorous whisper,
Alternate sound on our ubiquitous ear.
Regard that girl. When saw you eyes more
Lips redder, curl- crop crisper ? [clear,
She, one would say, should still he cloistered up
At home with poetry and her pet pug-pup,
Her music and her novels.
Yet here she smiles where stage-stars strut
and flaunt.
Y/ffiat does young Innocence in a gilded haunt,
Where Caste in coarseness grovels F
“ Caste? Innocence? We must not look too
close. [rose,”
Some here, scarce roses, have lived near the
My guide responded drily.
“The ‘ aleatic tendency,’ you know,
As Robert Louts calls it, must have flow
Or openly or slily.
“ Sense-stir, and Speculation, and the taste
For the adventurous, move the most chaste,
And tickle the most prudent.
In ‘ proper ’ breasts oft lurks a craving hot
For the equivocal—even when not
Immaculately pudent.
“ A curiosity about the ways
Of the Declassees, in our period, plays
Its part in ‘ good ’ society.
’Tis so ‘ amusing,’ this half-world, so rife
With ‘ incidents’ that lend to ton’s dull life
Some touch of chic variety.
“ The gambling-hell and the lupanar ? No!
But Zola adds a zest, high play a glow
To moral tedium vitce.
Think you yon caterer, aiming to Amuse,
Of scurril Momus does not gauge the use
And venal Aphrodite ? ”
“’TWAS A GLORIOUS VICTORY,’’-AND
ADVERTISEMENT!
Dear Mr. Punch,
I have read with the greatest in-
terest a letter to your contemporaries from
Mr. Augustus Harris, in which that accom-
plished and patriotic gentleman suggests,
that there should be a grand collection of
relics in honour of the 75th Anniversary of
the Battle of Waterloo, which is due next
year.
As the Lessee of Drury Lane Theatre
invited co-operation from everybody, I im-
mediately set to work to pick up mementoes
of the glorious victory with—as you will see
— some success. It is my desire that, the
exhibition should he as complete as possible,
and if any feeble efforts of mine can con-
tribute to that end, I shall be more than repaid
for any trouble I may take in the matter.
Subjoined is my first list of exhibits.
Portrait of the Great Duke of Welling-
ton, published some years ago at the
selling price of a penny plain, and twopence
coloured.
Bronze coin, hearing the head of Napoleon
the Third. It is a strange fact that this
valuable piece has been refused by two omni-
bus conductors, showing that latent animosity
still exists between the English and the
French.
Broom carried for many years by the junior
crossing-sweeper of Waterloo Place.
Cards used for playing Napoleon. A propos
of this game, the expression “ going nap ” no
doubt referred to the deposed Emperor’s de-
parture for St. Helena.
Set of wheels from a hroken-up Waterloo
omnibus.
Draft application to the Council of the
Royal United Service Institution asking for
the loan of the skull of Shaw the Life Guards-
man, which has somehow or another found
its way into the Museum of that valuable
organisation.
Gate of the North Toll-house on old
Waterloo Bridge.
Napoleon’s Dream Booh, a cheap and in-
teresting treatise upon Fate, said to have
been used by the greatest General of his age
before all his victories, proving that his success
might have been attributable to the power of
witchcraft. Sold even to this day at a penny
a copy.
Acting edition of the Battle of Waterloo,
drama played at Astley’s.
Pair of quaint old Wellington boots—an
heir-loom.
Card of admission to the “Extra Rooms”
at Madame Tussaud’s, where “Napoleonic
relics” are always on view.
There, Sir; I do not think this bad for a
beginning. But why not have other celebra-
tions ?
Next year the 824th Anniversary of the
Battle of Hastings will he due, when there
might he a grand exhibition of hoarding-
house furniture, in honour of the victory
having been gained at a now favourite water-
ing-place. Then we might have the anniver-
saries of other things—the invention of the
umbrella, the discovery of sugar, the first
mixing of lobster-salad, and so forth.
Of course the difficulty would be to find
a site for the holding of exhibitions appro-
priate to the celebration of these interesting
events.
In the case of the Battle of Waterloo, Mr.
Augustus Harris had a new panorama ready
to hand. For all that, I cannot imagine how
he came to think of such a clever thing!
Yours truly,
Simon Simple Simple-Simon.
Crackup Court, near Fuffborough.
vol. xovn.
X