DOI Heft:
November 2, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17688#0210
November 2, 1889.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205
QUANTUM SUFF.
Brown {just returned from a trial ride on his new Mare). “ Take the Brute away 1 Take her to the Station ! Put her on the
First Train. Don’t ask where it’s going to. Never let me see her again ! ”
LARGE FORTUNES EOR EVERYBODY.
Mr. Punch, Sir,—You have on several occasions allowed me to
ventilate the domestic or financial difficulties by which I have
occasionally found myself surrounded ; so I again venture to ask you
to permit me, for the sake of all impecunious gentlemen, to state my
present difficulty, which I think I may fairly designate “ JJn em-
barras des richesses,” not exactly in possession, hut most certainly in
prospect. I have already stated that, thanks to the discriminating
liberality of a distant relation, I am the happy possessor of a sum of
£20,000, invested in Her Majesty’s Consols. Until the great financial
authority, Mr. Jokem Goschen, so unexpectedly deprived me of one-
twelfth of the income I derived from my little fortune, I was well
able _ to accomplish what so many find the very difficult task of
making both ends meet. The many blessings that must be quarterly
showered upon that great Financier’s head by the many thousands of
people who share my disgust at his proceedings, and which I am
informed by my Stockbroker Robinson is to be repeated in a few
years’ time, I do not envy him. But to proceed.
Finding it most desirable to increase my income, I have applied to
Robinson, who is, I believe, what is called an Outsider, and who,
I am happy to say, informs me that it is the easiest and simplest
thing in the world. I am at once to sell out my old-fashioned and
shrinking Consols, and to invest the proceeds under his directions.
He brought me about a dozen Prospectuses of new Companies, the
most modest of which promises a dividend of at least 10 per cent.,
and some as much as 30 f One of them, I see, has purchased some-
thing like half a million acres of land, all surrounded with gold
mines, in such well-known places as Poteshofabroom, Shoutstan-
burger, and Pinaforenstine; another, so far as I can understand
the Prospectus, has purchased a mine in the Planet Uranus, whence
any quantity of the metal called Uranium can be obtained, and sold
for £3,000 per ton ; but, from what I have since learned, I think I
must have made some mistake as to the locality, as it is now stated
to be in Cornwall, which is of course very much nearer. This is to
pay 30 per cent. ! Then I have another fortune offered to me in the
shape of a Company for purchasing any number of Coffee Shops and
Eating Houses ; but this only offers 25 per cent., so Uranus ‘‘takes
the cake,” as Robinson says. Then there is a Company for bujing
up dozens of American Warehouses, which appear to have been used
for the purpose of elevating the price of corn ; thence called Elevators ;
and the shareholders in this little affair, with its quarter of a million
of capital, are expected to he satisfied with a poor 15 per cent.
I had been spending many weary hours over these several glowing
offers, and had arrived at the conclusion that by selling out my
Consols and distributing the proceeds fairly among these four
Companies I should at once raise my income from a paltry 2| per
cent, on my £20,000 to something like 22J per cent., an increase of
nearly tenfold its present amount!
Full of this grand idea I had commenced filling up my various
applications when Robinson looked in. He was unfortunately in
a great hurry, as it was, he said, Account Day, whatever that may
mean, but his advice to me was couched in some such mysterious
language as this:—
“Distribute your capital over a larger number of Companies. Buy
nothing. Apply for shares and then sell them at a large profit for
the account.” (He forgot to say whose account.) “Then take the
Contango or the Backwardation, whichever it may be, and apply to the
Bank of England to carry them forward to the next account at
Bank Rate. Then repeat the operation as before, and, as the
account is fortnightly, you will possibly double your capital in
twelve months. Continue this splendid game until you are quite
satisfied—and then stop for ever ! ”
The amount of time I have devoted to endeavouring in vain to
comprehend these puzzling phrases none will ever know. I search
in vain in Johnson, and Nuttall, and Chambers, for the meaning
of a Contango. I bore my friends for an answer to my repeated
question, “ What is a Backwardation?” One frivolous fellow boldly
asserted that Backwardation was the thief of time, and recommended
me to collar him! And when I seriously asked a rather solemn
friend of mine what was the Bank Rate at which they would carry
my shares to wherever they were destined to go, he replied. Five,
which, presuming he meant five miles an hour, I take the liberty
of doubting, not thinking it could be done at the pace in that busy
neighbourhood. If any specially clever fellow among your tens of
thousands of readers can kindly assist me with a solution of my
conundrums, I should feel deeply obliged to him—the more so as Robin-
son has left rather hurriedly for Paris. Joseph Greenhorn.
vox, xcvn.
T
QUANTUM SUFF.
Brown {just returned from a trial ride on his new Mare). “ Take the Brute away 1 Take her to the Station ! Put her on the
First Train. Don’t ask where it’s going to. Never let me see her again ! ”
LARGE FORTUNES EOR EVERYBODY.
Mr. Punch, Sir,—You have on several occasions allowed me to
ventilate the domestic or financial difficulties by which I have
occasionally found myself surrounded ; so I again venture to ask you
to permit me, for the sake of all impecunious gentlemen, to state my
present difficulty, which I think I may fairly designate “ JJn em-
barras des richesses,” not exactly in possession, hut most certainly in
prospect. I have already stated that, thanks to the discriminating
liberality of a distant relation, I am the happy possessor of a sum of
£20,000, invested in Her Majesty’s Consols. Until the great financial
authority, Mr. Jokem Goschen, so unexpectedly deprived me of one-
twelfth of the income I derived from my little fortune, I was well
able _ to accomplish what so many find the very difficult task of
making both ends meet. The many blessings that must be quarterly
showered upon that great Financier’s head by the many thousands of
people who share my disgust at his proceedings, and which I am
informed by my Stockbroker Robinson is to be repeated in a few
years’ time, I do not envy him. But to proceed.
Finding it most desirable to increase my income, I have applied to
Robinson, who is, I believe, what is called an Outsider, and who,
I am happy to say, informs me that it is the easiest and simplest
thing in the world. I am at once to sell out my old-fashioned and
shrinking Consols, and to invest the proceeds under his directions.
He brought me about a dozen Prospectuses of new Companies, the
most modest of which promises a dividend of at least 10 per cent.,
and some as much as 30 f One of them, I see, has purchased some-
thing like half a million acres of land, all surrounded with gold
mines, in such well-known places as Poteshofabroom, Shoutstan-
burger, and Pinaforenstine; another, so far as I can understand
the Prospectus, has purchased a mine in the Planet Uranus, whence
any quantity of the metal called Uranium can be obtained, and sold
for £3,000 per ton ; but, from what I have since learned, I think I
must have made some mistake as to the locality, as it is now stated
to be in Cornwall, which is of course very much nearer. This is to
pay 30 per cent. ! Then I have another fortune offered to me in the
shape of a Company for purchasing any number of Coffee Shops and
Eating Houses ; but this only offers 25 per cent., so Uranus ‘‘takes
the cake,” as Robinson says. Then there is a Company for bujing
up dozens of American Warehouses, which appear to have been used
for the purpose of elevating the price of corn ; thence called Elevators ;
and the shareholders in this little affair, with its quarter of a million
of capital, are expected to he satisfied with a poor 15 per cent.
I had been spending many weary hours over these several glowing
offers, and had arrived at the conclusion that by selling out my
Consols and distributing the proceeds fairly among these four
Companies I should at once raise my income from a paltry 2| per
cent, on my £20,000 to something like 22J per cent., an increase of
nearly tenfold its present amount!
Full of this grand idea I had commenced filling up my various
applications when Robinson looked in. He was unfortunately in
a great hurry, as it was, he said, Account Day, whatever that may
mean, but his advice to me was couched in some such mysterious
language as this:—
“Distribute your capital over a larger number of Companies. Buy
nothing. Apply for shares and then sell them at a large profit for
the account.” (He forgot to say whose account.) “Then take the
Contango or the Backwardation, whichever it may be, and apply to the
Bank of England to carry them forward to the next account at
Bank Rate. Then repeat the operation as before, and, as the
account is fortnightly, you will possibly double your capital in
twelve months. Continue this splendid game until you are quite
satisfied—and then stop for ever ! ”
The amount of time I have devoted to endeavouring in vain to
comprehend these puzzling phrases none will ever know. I search
in vain in Johnson, and Nuttall, and Chambers, for the meaning
of a Contango. I bore my friends for an answer to my repeated
question, “ What is a Backwardation?” One frivolous fellow boldly
asserted that Backwardation was the thief of time, and recommended
me to collar him! And when I seriously asked a rather solemn
friend of mine what was the Bank Rate at which they would carry
my shares to wherever they were destined to go, he replied. Five,
which, presuming he meant five miles an hour, I take the liberty
of doubting, not thinking it could be done at the pace in that busy
neighbourhood. If any specially clever fellow among your tens of
thousands of readers can kindly assist me with a solution of my
conundrums, I should feel deeply obliged to him—the more so as Robin-
son has left rather hurriedly for Paris. Joseph Greenhorn.
vox, xcvn.
T