DOI issue:
October 26, 1889
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17688#0206
October 26, 1889.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
201
"My Horse he like not your Wall op Stone—I go to make it more Low !”
He ! la Bas ! ! ”
WHEN YOU COME TO THINK OE IT.
(Modern Hypnotic Thaumaturgist's Version, as sung by the Rev. A. Tooth.)
[The Rev. Arthur Tooth has introduced a form of neo-hypnotic treatment
for dipsomaniacs and others, which he calls “ Cure by Suggestion.”]
I’m a nineteenth centnry thaumaturge, with “will-force,” and a lot
When I come to think of it, [of it,
There might he happiness in life, though little man’s yet got of it,
When I come to think of it.
They talk to me of Science,—humph ! I do not think a deal of it;
Tooth-ache (no pun !) is a great scourge ; I do not like the feel of it.
I have a sort of fancy, now, that I could make a heal of it,
When I come to think of it.
Mesmeric force, hypnotic power ?—men do not like the names of them,
When they come to think of it.
Reminds them of ’cute charlatans, and all the little games of them,
When they come to think of it.
But mental power o’er matter ?—there can surely be no harm in it,
Give it a nice new name, and none will find cause for alarm in it.
‘ ‘ Cure by Suggestion! ” That’s the very thing, there’s quite a charm
When you come to think of it. [in it,
If Tommy’s got the toothache life is troublesome and slow to him,
When he comes to think of it;
He needs the dentist’s services but does not like to go to him,
When he comes to think of it.
But what if I “ suggest ” to Tom when forceps get a bite of it,
That molar or incisor, he will howl—with the delight of it ?
Tommy of course, at once will feel that I am in the right of it,
When he comes to think of it.
The dipsomaniac again !—he likes rum as a beverage,
When he comes to think of it;
But by this same “ Suggestion” on his will I get a leverage,
When I come to think of it.
I hint to him that Zoedone much nicer than “ Pine-apple ” is
(Suggestion the best manner with his morbid taste to grapple is)
He ’ll own that Zoedone the thing to titillate his thrapple is,
When he comes to think of it.
Repressive laws are hateful to John Bull, he loathes the style of them,
When he comes to think of it;
He has a fad for freemen, and he thinks he has an Isle of them,
When he comes to think of it.
But surely mere “ Suggestion ” freedom cannot bind, or shackle it.
No, “Local Option” sounds not sweet though Temperance men be-
Sir Wllprid must prefer my way, if he will fairly tackle it, [cackle it,
When he comes to think of it.
HAMPERING HYMEN.
[A Bill is to be introduced into Parliament next Session—so it is said—to
stop improvident marriages by forbidding anybody below twenty-five years’
old to contract a matrimonial alliance.]
Monday.—After a sleepless night, summoned up enough courage
to declare myself (sounds rather as if I was accused of carrying con-
traband goods), to the object of my affections, Miss Clementina
Tallboys. Had rather a bad five minutes—of vacillation on Clemen-
tina’s part—but at last was accepted. Rapture! Presented her with
the brass coal-scuttle (which I had left out in the hall, and should
have taken away with me had I been rejected), as an engagement
gift. Clementina looked as if she might have preferred jewellery.
However, the coal-scuttle will be useful when we begin housekeeping.
Tuesday.—Curious ! Clementina anxious to have my exact age.
Tell her, twenty-seven and nine months. She seems doubtful. Can
she distrust me ? She explains that, by the new law, I should be
sent to prison for any time not exceeding five years (gracious !) if I
married before the age of twenty-five. Clementina actually sheds
tears as she mentions it. I tell her how glad I am to find that she
cares for me enough to weep at thought of my imprisonment. She
replies—“ Oh, it’s not that so much, but anybody aiding and abet-
ting would also be punished; and so I might have to go to prison
too ! ” I suggest that “love would make even a gaol pleasant.” She
answers (coldly I think) that “ she would prefer to spend her honey-
moon somewhere else.”
Wednesday.—Clementina’s father has written to ask for my Bap-
tismal Certificate! Query—insulting ? He tries to explain his request
by saying, “it would be so awkward if you had made a mistake about
your age. You have a young look (rather flattering, that), and
Clementina naturally wishes to avoid committing a misdemeanor.”
Thursday— Clementina trying to _ pump me about money-
matters. I should not shave thought it of her! Says, blushing,
“ her Papa would be glad to see me about settlements.” But 1
haven’t anything to settle !
Friday.—No letter to-day from either Clementina or her father!
Have they discovered a flaw in the Baptismal Certificate ? Call, and
am told “the whole family’s not at home.” Query—a whopper ?
Saturday.—Frigid note from Clementina herself, saying “ she has
just happened to remember that, though I am twenty-five, she is
only twenty-two, and therefore, by the new law, she cannot marry
for three years. She begs accordingly to break off our engagement,
and returns the coal-scuttle.” Believe, myself, she’s thirty, if she’s
a day. This excuse of age is a subterfuge. I am rejected for lack of
money—settled by settlements ! If Parliament had not passed that
idiotic law, I should take immediate action—a Breach of Promise one
—against Clementina’s perfidy.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
201
"My Horse he like not your Wall op Stone—I go to make it more Low !”
He ! la Bas ! ! ”
WHEN YOU COME TO THINK OE IT.
(Modern Hypnotic Thaumaturgist's Version, as sung by the Rev. A. Tooth.)
[The Rev. Arthur Tooth has introduced a form of neo-hypnotic treatment
for dipsomaniacs and others, which he calls “ Cure by Suggestion.”]
I’m a nineteenth centnry thaumaturge, with “will-force,” and a lot
When I come to think of it, [of it,
There might he happiness in life, though little man’s yet got of it,
When I come to think of it.
They talk to me of Science,—humph ! I do not think a deal of it;
Tooth-ache (no pun !) is a great scourge ; I do not like the feel of it.
I have a sort of fancy, now, that I could make a heal of it,
When I come to think of it.
Mesmeric force, hypnotic power ?—men do not like the names of them,
When they come to think of it.
Reminds them of ’cute charlatans, and all the little games of them,
When they come to think of it.
But mental power o’er matter ?—there can surely be no harm in it,
Give it a nice new name, and none will find cause for alarm in it.
‘ ‘ Cure by Suggestion! ” That’s the very thing, there’s quite a charm
When you come to think of it. [in it,
If Tommy’s got the toothache life is troublesome and slow to him,
When he comes to think of it;
He needs the dentist’s services but does not like to go to him,
When he comes to think of it.
But what if I “ suggest ” to Tom when forceps get a bite of it,
That molar or incisor, he will howl—with the delight of it ?
Tommy of course, at once will feel that I am in the right of it,
When he comes to think of it.
The dipsomaniac again !—he likes rum as a beverage,
When he comes to think of it;
But by this same “ Suggestion” on his will I get a leverage,
When I come to think of it.
I hint to him that Zoedone much nicer than “ Pine-apple ” is
(Suggestion the best manner with his morbid taste to grapple is)
He ’ll own that Zoedone the thing to titillate his thrapple is,
When he comes to think of it.
Repressive laws are hateful to John Bull, he loathes the style of them,
When he comes to think of it;
He has a fad for freemen, and he thinks he has an Isle of them,
When he comes to think of it.
But surely mere “ Suggestion ” freedom cannot bind, or shackle it.
No, “Local Option” sounds not sweet though Temperance men be-
Sir Wllprid must prefer my way, if he will fairly tackle it, [cackle it,
When he comes to think of it.
HAMPERING HYMEN.
[A Bill is to be introduced into Parliament next Session—so it is said—to
stop improvident marriages by forbidding anybody below twenty-five years’
old to contract a matrimonial alliance.]
Monday.—After a sleepless night, summoned up enough courage
to declare myself (sounds rather as if I was accused of carrying con-
traband goods), to the object of my affections, Miss Clementina
Tallboys. Had rather a bad five minutes—of vacillation on Clemen-
tina’s part—but at last was accepted. Rapture! Presented her with
the brass coal-scuttle (which I had left out in the hall, and should
have taken away with me had I been rejected), as an engagement
gift. Clementina looked as if she might have preferred jewellery.
However, the coal-scuttle will be useful when we begin housekeeping.
Tuesday.—Curious ! Clementina anxious to have my exact age.
Tell her, twenty-seven and nine months. She seems doubtful. Can
she distrust me ? She explains that, by the new law, I should be
sent to prison for any time not exceeding five years (gracious !) if I
married before the age of twenty-five. Clementina actually sheds
tears as she mentions it. I tell her how glad I am to find that she
cares for me enough to weep at thought of my imprisonment. She
replies—“ Oh, it’s not that so much, but anybody aiding and abet-
ting would also be punished; and so I might have to go to prison
too ! ” I suggest that “love would make even a gaol pleasant.” She
answers (coldly I think) that “ she would prefer to spend her honey-
moon somewhere else.”
Wednesday.—Clementina’s father has written to ask for my Bap-
tismal Certificate! Query—insulting ? He tries to explain his request
by saying, “it would be so awkward if you had made a mistake about
your age. You have a young look (rather flattering, that), and
Clementina naturally wishes to avoid committing a misdemeanor.”
Thursday— Clementina trying to _ pump me about money-
matters. I should not shave thought it of her! Says, blushing,
“ her Papa would be glad to see me about settlements.” But 1
haven’t anything to settle !
Friday.—No letter to-day from either Clementina or her father!
Have they discovered a flaw in the Baptismal Certificate ? Call, and
am told “the whole family’s not at home.” Query—a whopper ?
Saturday.—Frigid note from Clementina herself, saying “ she has
just happened to remember that, though I am twenty-five, she is
only twenty-two, and therefore, by the new law, she cannot marry
for three years. She begs accordingly to break off our engagement,
and returns the coal-scuttle.” Believe, myself, she’s thirty, if she’s
a day. This excuse of age is a subterfuge. I am rejected for lack of
money—settled by settlements ! If Parliament had not passed that
idiotic law, I should take immediate action—a Breach of Promise one
—against Clementina’s perfidy.