DOI issue:
December 21, 1889
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17688#0297
292
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 21, 1889,
MR. PUNCH’S MORAL MUSIC-HALL ^DRAMAS.
No. I.—THE LITTLE CROSSING-SWEEPER.
Dramatis Persons.
The Little Crossing-sweeper. By the unrivalled) ^j-gg jENXT Jinks.
YArtist
The Duke of Dillwater , . ... . Mr. Henry Irving.
{Specially engaged; Mr. Punch is sure that he will cheerfully
make some slight sacrifice for so good a cause, and he can easily
slip out and get hack again between the Acts of the '‘'‘Dead
Heart.")
A Policeman ..... Mr. Rutland Barrington.
{Engaged, at enormous expense, during the entire run of this piece.)
A Butler {his original part) .... Mr. Arthur Cecil.
Foot-passengers, Flunkeys, Burglars.—By the celebrated Knockabout
Quick-change Troupe.
Scene I.—Exterior of the Duke’s Mansion in Euston Square by
night. On the right, a realistic Moon {by kind permission of
Professor Herkomer) is rising slowly behind a lamp-post. On
left centre, a practicable pillar-box, and crossing, with real mud.
Slow Music, as Miss Jenny Jinks enters, in rags, ivith broom.
Various Characters cross the street, post letters, 8fc. ; Miss
Jinks follows them, begging piteously for a copper, which is in-
variably refused, ivhereupon she assails them with choice
specimens of street sarcasm—which the Lady may be safely
trusted to improvise for herself.
Miss Jenny Jinks {leaning despondently against pillar-box, on
which a ray of lime-light falls in the opposite direction to
the Moon).
Ah, this cruel London, so marble-’arted and vast,
Where all who try to act honest are condemned to fast!
Enter two Burglars, cautiously.
First B. {to Miss J. J.). We can put you up to a fake as will be
worth your while,
For you seem a sharp, ’andy lad, and just our style !
[They proceed to unfold a scheme to break into the Ducal abode, and
offer Miss J. a share of the spoil, if she will allow herself to be
put through the pantry ivindow.
Miss J. J. [proudly). I tell yer I won’t ’ave nothink to do with it,
fur I ain’t been used
To sneak into the house of a Dook to whom I ’aven’t been introdooeed!
Second Burglar {coarsely). Stow that snivel, yer young himp, we
don’t want none of that bosh !
Miss J. J. (with spirit). You ’old your jaw—for, when you opens
yer mouth, there ain’t much o’ yer face left to wash !
[The Burglars retire, baffled, and muttering. Miss J. leans against
pillar-box again—but more irresolutely.
I’ve arf a mind to run after ’em, I ’ave, and tell ’em I’m game to
stand in ! . . .
But, ah—didn’t my poor mother say as Burglary was a Sin !
[Duke crosses stage in a hurry; as he pulls out his latch-
key, a threepenny-bit falls unregarded, except by the little
Sweeper, who pounces eagerly upon it.
What’s this ? A hit o’ good luck at last for a starvin’ orfin boy !
What shall I buy ? /know—I’ll have a cup of cawfy, and a prime
saveloy!
Ah,—but it ain't mine—and ’ark . . . that music up in the air !
[A harp is heard in the flies.
Can it be mother a-playin’ on the ’arp, to warn her boy to beware ?
{Awestruck). There’s a angel voice that is sayin’ plain {solemnly)
“ Him as prigs what isn’t his’n,
Is sure to be copped some day—and then—his time he will do in
prison! ”
[Goes resolutely to the door, and knocks—The Duke throws open
the portals.
Miss J. If yer please, Sir, was you aware as you’ve dropped a
thruppenny-bit ?
The Duke {after examining the coin). ’Tis the very piece I have
searched for everywhere! You rascal, you’ve stolen it !
Miss J. {bitterly). And that's ’ow a Dook rewards honesty in this
world! [ This line is sure of a round of applause.
The Duke {calling oft). Policeman, I give this lad in charge for a
shameless attempt to rob, [Enter Policeman.
Unless he confesses instantly who put him up to the job !
Miss J. {earnestly). I’ve told yer the bloomin’ truth, 1’ave—or
send I may die !
I’m on’y a Crossing-sweeper, Sir, but I’d scorn to tell yer a lie!
Give me a quarter of a hour—no more—just time to kneel down and
pray, [me away.
As I used to at mother’s knee long ago—then the Copper kin lead
[.Kneels in lime-light. The Policeman turns away, and uses his
handkerchief violently ; the Duke rubs his eyes.
The Duke. No, blow me if I can do it, for I feel my eyes are all
twitching!
{With conviction). If he’s good enough to kneel by his mother’s side,
he’s good enough to be in my kitching!
[Duke dismisses Constable, and, after disappearing into the
Mansion for a moment, returns with a neat Page's livery,
which he presents to the little Crossing-sweeper.
Miss J. J. {naively). ’Ow much shall I ask for on this, Sir?
What! Yer don’t mean to say they ’re for me !
Am I really to be a Page to one of England’s proud aristocra-cee ?
[Does some steps.
3fechanical change to Scene II.—State Apartment at the Duke’s.
3Iagnificent furniture, gilding, chandeliers. Suits of genuine
old armour. Statuary {lent by British and Kensington Museums).
Enter Miss J., with her face washed, and looking particularly plump
in her Page's livery. She wanders about stage, making any
humorous comments that may occur to her on the armour and
statuary. She might also play tricks on the Butler, and kiss the
maids —all of which will serve to relieve the piece by delicate
touches of comedy, and delight a discriminating audience.
Enter the Duke.
I hope, my lad. that we are making you comfortable here? [Kindly.
Miss J. J. Never was in such slap-up quarters in my life, Sir, I'll
stick to yer, no fear!
[In the course of conversation the Duke learns with aristocratic
surprise, that the Page’s Mother ivas a Singer at the Music-
Halls.
Miss J. J. What, don’t know what a Music-’all’s like ? and you
a Dook! Well, you are a jolly old juggins! ’Ere, you sit down on
this gilded cheer—that’s the ticket—I ’ll bring you your champagne
and your cigars—want a light ? (Strikes match on her pantaloons.)
Now you ’re all comfortable I
[The Duke sits down, smiling indulgently, out of her way, while she
introduces her popular Vocal Character Sketch, of which space
only permits us to give a few specimen verses.
First the Champion Comic Steps upon the stage ;
With his latest “ Grand Success.” Sure to be tbe rage !
Sixty Pounds a week he Easily can earn;
Round the Music-Halls he goes, And does at each a “turn.”
Illustration.
Undah the stors in a sweet shady dairl,
I strolled with me awm round a deah little gairl,
And whethaw I kissed har yaw’d like me to tairl—
Well, I’d rawthah you didn’t inquiah !
All golden her hair is, She’s Queen of the Fairies, And known by
the name of the lovely Mariah,
She’s a regular Yenus, But what passed between us,’I’d]very much
rawthah you didn’t inquiah !
Next the Lady Serio, Mincing as she walks ;
If a note’s too high for her, She doesn’t sing—she talks,
What she thinks about the men You ’re pretty sure to learn,
She always has a hit at them, Before she’s done her “turn! ”
Illustration.
You notty young men, ow ! you notty young men!
You tell us you ’re toffs, and the real Upper Ten,
But behind all your ears is the mark of a pen !
So don’t you deceive us, you notty young men !
Miss J. J. {concluding). And such, Sir, are these entertainments
In which Mirth and Refinement go ’and-in-’and ! [grand,
[As the Duke is expressing his appreciation of the elevating effect of
such performances, the Butler rushes in, followed by two flurried
Footmen.
Butler. Pardon this interruption, my Lord, but I come to announce
the fact
That by armed house-breakers the pantry has just been attacked!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[December 21, 1889,
MR. PUNCH’S MORAL MUSIC-HALL ^DRAMAS.
No. I.—THE LITTLE CROSSING-SWEEPER.
Dramatis Persons.
The Little Crossing-sweeper. By the unrivalled) ^j-gg jENXT Jinks.
YArtist
The Duke of Dillwater , . ... . Mr. Henry Irving.
{Specially engaged; Mr. Punch is sure that he will cheerfully
make some slight sacrifice for so good a cause, and he can easily
slip out and get hack again between the Acts of the '‘'‘Dead
Heart.")
A Policeman ..... Mr. Rutland Barrington.
{Engaged, at enormous expense, during the entire run of this piece.)
A Butler {his original part) .... Mr. Arthur Cecil.
Foot-passengers, Flunkeys, Burglars.—By the celebrated Knockabout
Quick-change Troupe.
Scene I.—Exterior of the Duke’s Mansion in Euston Square by
night. On the right, a realistic Moon {by kind permission of
Professor Herkomer) is rising slowly behind a lamp-post. On
left centre, a practicable pillar-box, and crossing, with real mud.
Slow Music, as Miss Jenny Jinks enters, in rags, ivith broom.
Various Characters cross the street, post letters, 8fc. ; Miss
Jinks follows them, begging piteously for a copper, which is in-
variably refused, ivhereupon she assails them with choice
specimens of street sarcasm—which the Lady may be safely
trusted to improvise for herself.
Miss Jenny Jinks {leaning despondently against pillar-box, on
which a ray of lime-light falls in the opposite direction to
the Moon).
Ah, this cruel London, so marble-’arted and vast,
Where all who try to act honest are condemned to fast!
Enter two Burglars, cautiously.
First B. {to Miss J. J.). We can put you up to a fake as will be
worth your while,
For you seem a sharp, ’andy lad, and just our style !
[They proceed to unfold a scheme to break into the Ducal abode, and
offer Miss J. a share of the spoil, if she will allow herself to be
put through the pantry ivindow.
Miss J. J. [proudly). I tell yer I won’t ’ave nothink to do with it,
fur I ain’t been used
To sneak into the house of a Dook to whom I ’aven’t been introdooeed!
Second Burglar {coarsely). Stow that snivel, yer young himp, we
don’t want none of that bosh !
Miss J. J. (with spirit). You ’old your jaw—for, when you opens
yer mouth, there ain’t much o’ yer face left to wash !
[The Burglars retire, baffled, and muttering. Miss J. leans against
pillar-box again—but more irresolutely.
I’ve arf a mind to run after ’em, I ’ave, and tell ’em I’m game to
stand in ! . . .
But, ah—didn’t my poor mother say as Burglary was a Sin !
[Duke crosses stage in a hurry; as he pulls out his latch-
key, a threepenny-bit falls unregarded, except by the little
Sweeper, who pounces eagerly upon it.
What’s this ? A hit o’ good luck at last for a starvin’ orfin boy !
What shall I buy ? /know—I’ll have a cup of cawfy, and a prime
saveloy!
Ah,—but it ain't mine—and ’ark . . . that music up in the air !
[A harp is heard in the flies.
Can it be mother a-playin’ on the ’arp, to warn her boy to beware ?
{Awestruck). There’s a angel voice that is sayin’ plain {solemnly)
“ Him as prigs what isn’t his’n,
Is sure to be copped some day—and then—his time he will do in
prison! ”
[Goes resolutely to the door, and knocks—The Duke throws open
the portals.
Miss J. If yer please, Sir, was you aware as you’ve dropped a
thruppenny-bit ?
The Duke {after examining the coin). ’Tis the very piece I have
searched for everywhere! You rascal, you’ve stolen it !
Miss J. {bitterly). And that's ’ow a Dook rewards honesty in this
world! [ This line is sure of a round of applause.
The Duke {calling oft). Policeman, I give this lad in charge for a
shameless attempt to rob, [Enter Policeman.
Unless he confesses instantly who put him up to the job !
Miss J. {earnestly). I’ve told yer the bloomin’ truth, 1’ave—or
send I may die !
I’m on’y a Crossing-sweeper, Sir, but I’d scorn to tell yer a lie!
Give me a quarter of a hour—no more—just time to kneel down and
pray, [me away.
As I used to at mother’s knee long ago—then the Copper kin lead
[.Kneels in lime-light. The Policeman turns away, and uses his
handkerchief violently ; the Duke rubs his eyes.
The Duke. No, blow me if I can do it, for I feel my eyes are all
twitching!
{With conviction). If he’s good enough to kneel by his mother’s side,
he’s good enough to be in my kitching!
[Duke dismisses Constable, and, after disappearing into the
Mansion for a moment, returns with a neat Page's livery,
which he presents to the little Crossing-sweeper.
Miss J. J. {naively). ’Ow much shall I ask for on this, Sir?
What! Yer don’t mean to say they ’re for me !
Am I really to be a Page to one of England’s proud aristocra-cee ?
[Does some steps.
3fechanical change to Scene II.—State Apartment at the Duke’s.
3Iagnificent furniture, gilding, chandeliers. Suits of genuine
old armour. Statuary {lent by British and Kensington Museums).
Enter Miss J., with her face washed, and looking particularly plump
in her Page's livery. She wanders about stage, making any
humorous comments that may occur to her on the armour and
statuary. She might also play tricks on the Butler, and kiss the
maids —all of which will serve to relieve the piece by delicate
touches of comedy, and delight a discriminating audience.
Enter the Duke.
I hope, my lad. that we are making you comfortable here? [Kindly.
Miss J. J. Never was in such slap-up quarters in my life, Sir, I'll
stick to yer, no fear!
[In the course of conversation the Duke learns with aristocratic
surprise, that the Page’s Mother ivas a Singer at the Music-
Halls.
Miss J. J. What, don’t know what a Music-’all’s like ? and you
a Dook! Well, you are a jolly old juggins! ’Ere, you sit down on
this gilded cheer—that’s the ticket—I ’ll bring you your champagne
and your cigars—want a light ? (Strikes match on her pantaloons.)
Now you ’re all comfortable I
[The Duke sits down, smiling indulgently, out of her way, while she
introduces her popular Vocal Character Sketch, of which space
only permits us to give a few specimen verses.
First the Champion Comic Steps upon the stage ;
With his latest “ Grand Success.” Sure to be tbe rage !
Sixty Pounds a week he Easily can earn;
Round the Music-Halls he goes, And does at each a “turn.”
Illustration.
Undah the stors in a sweet shady dairl,
I strolled with me awm round a deah little gairl,
And whethaw I kissed har yaw’d like me to tairl—
Well, I’d rawthah you didn’t inquiah !
All golden her hair is, She’s Queen of the Fairies, And known by
the name of the lovely Mariah,
She’s a regular Yenus, But what passed between us,’I’d]very much
rawthah you didn’t inquiah !
Next the Lady Serio, Mincing as she walks ;
If a note’s too high for her, She doesn’t sing—she talks,
What she thinks about the men You ’re pretty sure to learn,
She always has a hit at them, Before she’s done her “turn! ”
Illustration.
You notty young men, ow ! you notty young men!
You tell us you ’re toffs, and the real Upper Ten,
But behind all your ears is the mark of a pen !
So don’t you deceive us, you notty young men !
Miss J. J. {concluding). And such, Sir, are these entertainments
In which Mirth and Refinement go ’and-in-’and ! [grand,
[As the Duke is expressing his appreciation of the elevating effect of
such performances, the Butler rushes in, followed by two flurried
Footmen.
Butler. Pardon this interruption, my Lord, but I come to announce
the fact
That by armed house-breakers the pantry has just been attacked!