DOI Heft:
October 29, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17694#0201
196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octobee 29, 1892.
ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. No. 2.
Another of our speshal lot is good old Sam, with his wunderfool
memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally
swears as he remembers the time when there wasn't not no Cabs,
nor no Homnybusses nor no Railways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no
Perlicc, in all Lundon ! And when there was grate droves of Cattel
and Sheep druv thro' the streets, and people used to have to put up
bars at their doors to keep 'em out. And menny and menny a time
has he seen a reel live Bullock march into his Master's Counting
'Ouse, with his two wild horns a sticking out, and as it was to
narrer for him to turn hisself round, he used to have to be backed
out tale foremost, with a fierce dog a barking at his nose.
Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How
the peepel got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as
how as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses,
and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old
, coaches, called Ackney Coaches—coz,
''''ftll; they was all maid at Ackney, I sup-
pose—all drorn by two ramshackel
old Osses, and with werry shabby old
drivers with wisps of stror round
their shabby old hats. Then some
brite Genus went and inwented Cabs,
and they soon cut out the Ackney
Coaches, which all went back to
Ackney, and was never seen no more.
And then, sum ewen briter Genus
went and inwented Homnybusses,
and they rayther estonished the Cabs,
and what the next brite Genus will
inwent in that line, I don't know,
and Sam don't know, and I don't
suppose as nobody else don't. But
the most wunderfullest thing of all
must have bin the having of no Perlice ! For
Sam, acshally declares, that before Perlice
was inwented by Sir Robert Peel—therefore
wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers—the only
pertecters as London had at night was a lot of
werry old men, all crissened Charley, who
used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers
has at the Queen's Pallaces, with a little lan-
tern hanging up in front, and when the Church
Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to
git out of their boxes and wark up and down
the streets a calling out, '' Parst Three
o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it
mite happen to be, and then go back to their
little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and
quietly go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times
for Messrs. Dick Tuppin, Jack Shephard, Bill Sikes, and
Cumpny, unlimited. But, Sam says, as they made up for it by
hanging ewery body as stole amost anythink, such as a sheep, or a
fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and that on Mondays, which was
Hanging Days, he has ofi'en and often stood at the hend of the Hold
Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches, with white nite caps
on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so serously that we
are forced to bleeve him.
Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. "We all likes
to work with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he 's rayther
a comical feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the
true fax of the case, they 'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total
"Waiters. And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily
bleeves as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what
he means by it; but Brown says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack
on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be Tea-
totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But no—I'm
in favour of Free_ Trade in AVaiters as in Wine, and I shoud think
that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own punish-
ment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to lead,
than _ to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most
bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous
Waiter's "taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I
thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times,
as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner,
but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him
to taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was Sanky Panser,
some relashun of Moody and Sanky, I sposes. His master's name
was Dan Ouickshot, ony another name, I bleeves, for Buffalo
Bill. But that was aothink of a case to wun as my son William
told us of the other day. It seems as there was, wunce upon a time,
a Greshian Gent, by the name of Tantlus, who, becoz he was
found out in helping hisself to sum werry speshal brand of Keekter,
was condemned to stand up to his neck in water for ewer go many
years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty that he would have
drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he wasn't allowed not to
taste a drop ; and, not only that, but there was a lot of most bewti-
fool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and whenever he tried
jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it away out of his
reach. Hence the prowerb, " You be blowed! "
In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged
in former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian
Gent's constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny
years! Robert.
CARON AND CHARON.
{After dipping into Major Le Car oris " Recollections.")
Major le Caron ! _ Major ! True, a greater
Or more accomplished spy who ever knew ?
And so original! In fact, the pater
Of all deception yields the palm to You!
Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met
Wile with wile wilier ! And then, forsooth,
You so transformed yourself to suit each set,
That it is praise to say, " you lied like truth!"
And in an honest cause ! Renown'd Ulysses,
That craftiest hero yields to you in guile.
You touch the gold! You 're not the man who misses
A chance ! You caught the wariest with your smile!
'1 Caron ! " The " h " is dropped, or we could fix
(And so we can if Greek the name we make)
You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx,
Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake.
The simile is nearly perfect, note,
For you, with your Conspirators afloat,
Were, as you 'veshown us, all in the same boat.
AT IT AGAIN!
The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to
Mr. Punch for publication :—
I.—Koniglich-Kaiser licher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dumm-
witz von Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second.
Most Gracious Imperial Majesty,
I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my
spouse, the beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, Anna
Anselma, whom, by your Majesty's ever-to-be-with-gratitude-re-
membered permission, I last year to the altar led, is now of good
hope, and will shortly, if all should go well, add one to your
Majesty's loyal and submissive subjects. I make this announcement
in accordance with your Majesty's Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6.
And I remain, &c. &c. &c,
Dummwitz von Hammelfleisch.
II.—William the Second to K. K. 0. H R. D. H. D. von
Hammelfleisch.
Hers Doctor,
I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7
of my Hochzeit's Decree, 1 graciously give permission for the birth
of the child referred to in your communication. I beg, at the same
time, to point out that, by my Supplementary Decree (Proportions
of Sexes), issued last week, it is necessary that the child should be
a boy. Communicate this at once to the Frau K. K. Ober-Hof-
Rathin Doctorin A. A. von Hammelfleisch.
(Signed) William I. et R.
III.—K. K. 0. H. R. D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King,
William the Second.
Most Imperial Majesty,
Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my
wife communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your
Imperial Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. von H.
IV.—Extract from the "Reich's Anxeiger."
t" Frau Anna Anselma von Hammelfleisch, having last week given
birth to a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's Supplemen-
tary Decree (No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our painful duty to
announce that the Herr Doctor Dummwitz von Hammelfleisch has
been dismissed from his post as K. K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will im-
mediately be prosecuted for the crime of Use Majeste.
V.—Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month later
"The prisoner, Hammelfleisch, was yesterday condemned to
twenty years' solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. The
wretched man acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and begged
others to take warning by his fate."
ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. No. 2.
Another of our speshal lot is good old Sam, with his wunderfool
memmery. He won't tell not nobody his age. But he acshally
swears as he remembers the time when there wasn't not no Cabs,
nor no Homnybusses nor no Railways, nor no Steam Botes, nor no
Perlicc, in all Lundon ! And when there was grate droves of Cattel
and Sheep druv thro' the streets, and people used to have to put up
bars at their doors to keep 'em out. And menny and menny a time
has he seen a reel live Bullock march into his Master's Counting
'Ouse, with his two wild horns a sticking out, and as it was to
narrer for him to turn hisself round, he used to have to be backed
out tale foremost, with a fierce dog a barking at his nose.
Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How
the peepel got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as
how as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses,
and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old
, coaches, called Ackney Coaches—coz,
''''ftll; they was all maid at Ackney, I sup-
pose—all drorn by two ramshackel
old Osses, and with werry shabby old
drivers with wisps of stror round
their shabby old hats. Then some
brite Genus went and inwented Cabs,
and they soon cut out the Ackney
Coaches, which all went back to
Ackney, and was never seen no more.
And then, sum ewen briter Genus
went and inwented Homnybusses,
and they rayther estonished the Cabs,
and what the next brite Genus will
inwent in that line, I don't know,
and Sam don't know, and I don't
suppose as nobody else don't. But
the most wunderfullest thing of all
must have bin the having of no Perlice ! For
Sam, acshally declares, that before Perlice
was inwented by Sir Robert Peel—therefore
wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers—the only
pertecters as London had at night was a lot of
werry old men, all crissened Charley, who
used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers
has at the Queen's Pallaces, with a little lan-
tern hanging up in front, and when the Church
Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to
git out of their boxes and wark up and down
the streets a calling out, '' Parst Three
o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it
mite happen to be, and then go back to their
little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and
quietly go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times
for Messrs. Dick Tuppin, Jack Shephard, Bill Sikes, and
Cumpny, unlimited. But, Sam says, as they made up for it by
hanging ewery body as stole amost anythink, such as a sheep, or a
fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and that on Mondays, which was
Hanging Days, he has ofi'en and often stood at the hend of the Hold
Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches, with white nite caps
on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so serously that we
are forced to bleeve him.
Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. "We all likes
to work with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he 's rayther
a comical feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the
true fax of the case, they 'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total
"Waiters. And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily
bleeves as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what
he means by it; but Brown says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack
on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be Tea-
totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But no—I'm
in favour of Free_ Trade in AVaiters as in Wine, and I shoud think
that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own punish-
ment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to lead,
than _ to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most
bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous
Waiter's "taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I
thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times,
as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner,
but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him
to taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was Sanky Panser,
some relashun of Moody and Sanky, I sposes. His master's name
was Dan Ouickshot, ony another name, I bleeves, for Buffalo
Bill. But that was aothink of a case to wun as my son William
told us of the other day. It seems as there was, wunce upon a time,
a Greshian Gent, by the name of Tantlus, who, becoz he was
found out in helping hisself to sum werry speshal brand of Keekter,
was condemned to stand up to his neck in water for ewer go many
years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty that he would have
drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he wasn't allowed not to
taste a drop ; and, not only that, but there was a lot of most bewti-
fool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and whenever he tried
jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it away out of his
reach. Hence the prowerb, " You be blowed! "
In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged
in former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian
Gent's constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny
years! Robert.
CARON AND CHARON.
{After dipping into Major Le Car oris " Recollections.")
Major le Caron ! _ Major ! True, a greater
Or more accomplished spy who ever knew ?
And so original! In fact, the pater
Of all deception yields the palm to You!
Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met
Wile with wile wilier ! And then, forsooth,
You so transformed yourself to suit each set,
That it is praise to say, " you lied like truth!"
And in an honest cause ! Renown'd Ulysses,
That craftiest hero yields to you in guile.
You touch the gold! You 're not the man who misses
A chance ! You caught the wariest with your smile!
'1 Caron ! " The " h " is dropped, or we could fix
(And so we can if Greek the name we make)
You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx,
Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake.
The simile is nearly perfect, note,
For you, with your Conspirators afloat,
Were, as you 'veshown us, all in the same boat.
AT IT AGAIN!
The following correspondence and extracts have been sent to
Mr. Punch for publication :—
I.—Koniglich-Kaiser licher Ober-Hof-Rath Doctor Hermann Dumm-
witz von Hammelfleisch to The Emperor-King William the Second.
Most Gracious Imperial Majesty,
I have the honour to announce to your Majesty, that my
spouse, the beautiful and accomplished clergyman-daughter, Anna
Anselma, whom, by your Majesty's ever-to-be-with-gratitude-re-
membered permission, I last year to the altar led, is now of good
hope, and will shortly, if all should go well, add one to your
Majesty's loyal and submissive subjects. I make this announcement
in accordance with your Majesty's Hochzeit's Decree, Section 6.
And I remain, &c. &c. &c,
Dummwitz von Hammelfleisch.
II.—William the Second to K. K. 0. H R. D. H. D. von
Hammelfleisch.
Hers Doctor,
I have received your letter. In accordance with Section 7
of my Hochzeit's Decree, 1 graciously give permission for the birth
of the child referred to in your communication. I beg, at the same
time, to point out that, by my Supplementary Decree (Proportions
of Sexes), issued last week, it is necessary that the child should be
a boy. Communicate this at once to the Frau K. K. Ober-Hof-
Rathin Doctorin A. A. von Hammelfleisch.
(Signed) William I. et R.
III.—K. K. 0. H. R. D. von Hammelfleisch to the Emperor-King,
William the Second.
Most Imperial Majesty,
Your with-satisfaction-received letter has been to my
wife communicated. She desires me to assure you that she is your
Imperial Majesty's obedient subject, (Signed) D. von H.
IV.—Extract from the "Reich's Anxeiger."
t" Frau Anna Anselma von Hammelfleisch, having last week given
birth to a girl in contravention of his Imperial Majesty's Supplemen-
tary Decree (No. 10. Proportions of Sexes), it is our painful duty to
announce that the Herr Doctor Dummwitz von Hammelfleisch has
been dismissed from his post as K. K. Ober-Hof-Rath, and will im-
mediately be prosecuted for the crime of Use Majeste.
V.—Extract from the "Reich's Anzeiger," a month later
"The prisoner, Hammelfleisch, was yesterday condemned to
twenty years' solitary confinement in the fortress of Spandau. The
wretched man acknowledged the justice of his sentence, and begged
others to take warning by his fate."