Punch (85.1883)

December 29, 1883.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

305

THE MODERN ARS AMANDI.

{By Punchius Naso.)

CANTO VL—Mamma.

Punchitjs sat pondering- o’er his mighty theme,
When suddenly a keen electric gleam

Seemed to transpierce his sanctum’s roseate shade,

And lo ! a Presence ! gorgeously arrayed
In glistening satin of soft Tyrian sheen,

“ Invested with purpureal gleams,” its mien
Gravely majestic ; ample-shouldered, large,

Of such fair swell as Cleopatra’s barge
Breasted the Cydnus with. Erect she stood,

The British Matron ; in no genial mood,

If aspect augured aught. Her greeting fair,

The courteous Sage his most capacious chair
Filled with her portly amplitude. Thence she
In round sonorous periods uttered free
Maternal thoughts, and, as in eclogues old,

By rushy brook or by close-wattled fold,

Virgilian Swains discourse, Puschitts, well suited
To Mantuan grace with her interlocuted.

Matereamilias.

Punch, I presume ?

Pehchitts.

_ Presumption is a worn
Which to connect with you-

Matereamilias.

Don’t be absurd!

What do you mean by “ Love and laughter ” ?—I

Q/uote from your “ Proem ”—What’s your aim, Sir ? Why,

Love is no laughing matter,—or, any rate,

Marriage is not! You as a comic zany rate

The modern Cupid, make him talk that stuff

Which men call “ satire.” Pooh ! We ’re quite too tough

For all that sort of thing to trouble much.

A mother’s heart male mockery cannot touch,

We’ve far too much at stake. But Punch, you know,

This Ars Amandi is not comme ilfaut,—

JOILS' just explained it,—and I really think
As British Girldom’s pet, you ought to shrink
From-

Punchies.

Yeiling satire with a genial laugh,

And teaching wisdom ’neath the cloak of chaff ?

Matereamilias.

Oh, bother ! That’s what Johjv calls “ Big Bow-Wow.”

But—girls are quite sufficient trouble now.

They do not want more “ wisdom,” I am sure,

But more docility. If you cannot cure

Their sentimental fads, at least don’t turn

Their heads with-well, I’ve really yet to learn

What you quite mean—but all this curious mixture

Of rhymes, and gods, and things. There’s one great fixture—

Get married ! Now, your Cantos seem to sap

Its firm foundation.

PTnsrcHius.

How ?

Materfa mili as .

Well, dear Old Chap—

You are a dear, when you are nice, you know—
I really can’t tell how, you fog me so.
i’m not sure when you ’re serious. But indeed
I must remonstrate.

PtJNCHILS.

Madam, pray iiroceed!

(To he continued.)

ROBERTAS CRISMAS STORY.

{As append last Summer.)

I was a staying at swellish Surbiton and had been ingaged at
Appy Ampton a waitin on won of my_ favrit Companies, the diners. I
Ah them’s good fellers, them diners is, and nose a glass of ’47 Port
as quick as any Company in Lundon, aye and injoys it two, and
never refuses a second.

Well, as I was returnin home, I had sitch a singler adwentur as
mite be common enuff in new Amerikay or even in old Ireland, but
in that nice quiet qdaice it did seem just a leetle staggerin.

Sornterin along quietly “ by the margin of Tems’s fare waters,” ■
as the Poet says, I took a seat, about hart way home, on a nice ard
wooden form with not no back to it, kindly purwidea by the lokal
orthoritys for tired trawellers of which I was jest a little one, wen I
was akorsted by a gentleman of not werry engagin aperience who i
was so obligin as to inform me that he was quite down upon his j
luck, and was gettin jest a bit desprit, and wood I kindly assist
him with the lone of five shillinx !

In course I told him as I hadn’t no five shillinx to spare, as I was
only a pore Waiter, wen he sed as that story wouldn’t wash, as any-
boddy who ’d bin akustomed to igh life could see at once by my wite
choker as well as by my manners as I was a Parson ! and posserbly a
Bishup! Of course I was a good deal fiatterd at his little natral
mistake, and said that as far as 6d. would go he mite have it and
welcom, wen he suddnly quite haltered his manner, and said, as
money he wanted and money he must have, and putting his and in
his pocket he pulled out a rewolwing Pistol, and sed I shoud have it
for a pound.

[ think I was never so fritened in all my life, and without stoppin
for to think wot was best to he done, I acshally gave him all I had
in my pocket, which was about 9s. 6d., which he took with a cuss,
and putting the awful lookin weppen into my hand, and sayin
“Full to the muzzel,” he ran along to the Park railings, jumped
over, and was off like a shot!

I set there, on that ard seat, with that dedly weppen in my grasp,
for I should think quite a quarter of a our, wundring what on ertb
I should do with it.

Suppose, I thort to myself, a Pleaceman was to cum and see me
thus, armed to the teeth, how could I conwinee him as I was only
a umbel Waiter who had jest made a purchase, and not, wot I looked
exactly like, a sangwinery Bugler or Highway Man ! I dared not
put the cold fire-arm in my pocket, for fear it mite be, as he had
said, loaded to the muzzel, and mite go off of itself. I had sumtimes
herd of these deadly weppens being loaded with slugs, and the meer
thort of such disgusting lieptiles a crawlin about in my pocket,
gave me a fit of the shudders.

Presently I herd carridge wheels a com in nearer in the distance,
so in my hagony I rushed from my ard seat, ran along about 200
yards, and throwd it madly into the middle of the Paver, and then
took to my eels, like a guilty thing, and never stopt till I come to
the Ferry, when my f'rite was so great and my breth so short that I
coudn’t call out “hover” lowd enuff for the Ferryman to hear me
for a matter praps of 10 minnets, and ewenshally retched home so
much more ded than alive oh! that my kind land lord insisted on
my sendin out for harf a pint of brandy, which he mixed with
some skill, and of which he most kindly partook of, share and share
alike.

Of coarse I esily misled my land lord by denounsing the Sammon,
although, trewth to tell, it was remarkabel good, and so, after a lite
supper of pork chops and stout, to bed, to bed, where I slept the
sleep of the hinnocent Waiter and not of the gilty assassassin.

I have for sum time left the shores of the silwer Terns, unless
indeed I may call it by that fond name at Londun Bridge, witch
mite be thort jest a leetie soreaustic, so I may safely reweal the fac, !
that, if any one,includin the galliant Admiral of the Terns Conserwa-
tives, wants what I’ve no dont is a hntifnl specimen of the hintrest-
ing article commonly called a rewolwer, all he has to do is to go to
the place atween Long Ditton and Ampton where the ard seat is,
and exacly 200 steps nearer Surbeton he will cum to 3 grate Trees,
ether Helms or Hoax, I don’t know witch, hut I thinks the former,
and nex to them is a werry big Tree with a broken bow, and exacly
opersit that, just 4 across the River, let him dredge and dredge, and
he’s sure to find the Burgler’s companion, and watever he may think
my dew, I will leave hEntirely to his Honner to send me. Robert.