DOI issue:
July 20, 1867
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16880#0041
July 20, 1867.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39
sue' terns as ruffian and coward in their teeth. He was deeply pained
at the tone some of the papers took in advocating the application of the
lash to garotters, apd other defendants that they described as Roughs.
(Ironical cheers.) Every now and then there was a paragraph giving
an art.-rendin account of the sufferings of a garotter under the lash,
on which leadin articles was written in scorn and ridicule. A part of
the Press seemed to gloat over the pangs of the victims that they gave
the abusive name of ruffians. (Yells.) Them that heard him must be
up and doing, or the barbarous suggestion of the sanguinary Grand
Jury would be carried out. He observed with pleasure that the House
of Commons had rejected a motion to disfranchise convicts. In a
reformed representation they would have a good lot of votes, and they
must do their best to get a Member returned to represent their peculiar
interest. There couldn’t be a doubt about the proper party. Who
was it that befriended Broadhead, and excused Crookes ? (Cheers,
and ciies of “ Beesley 1 ”) Yes, Beesley was their man. There
ought to be a Member for Ratclifffe Highway, and that Member should
be Professor Beesley. But whatever seat he was returned for, he
would be the right man in the right place. (Hear, hear !) He would
accordingly ask them to vote a resolution to the effect following: —
“ That this meeting do hereby pledge itself to use every effort to secure
the return, on the first opportunity, of the Rattener’s friend, Professor
Beesley, to the House of Commons.”
The resolution was seconded, in strong language, by Mr. Throttles ;
after which three cheers were given successively, for Beesley, Broad-
bead, Crookes, and Hallam, and the assembly separated, cursing
and swearing.
PEEPS AT PARIS.
PEEP THE SEVENTEENTH.
My days are numbered ; as, by the way, are everybody else’s, begin-
ning with the 1st of January, and so on. But I mean that mar vee
Purreeseean a finny. Not with a duel, at least, pars ongkor. When I
am well enough, I have arranged, sewer mar parrol, to return and fight
in the Bwaw der Bulloine, the survivor to breakfast, at his own expense,
at the cuffay by the karskard.
Taking my friends (maysamee) about sight-seeing all day, driving,
walking, theatre-seeing part of the night, petty soupays at her Caffuy
Reesh or Lay Trwaw Frayrs, not to mention the kongkong at Marbeel (I
have had several lessons in this national dance, and intend to introduce
it in Lar Ho Fee of the Bo Mongd on my return, commencing at Isling-
ton with the Belgian Ball) the Chinese Spayktarkl and all the etceteras
which go to make up “seing life ” in this gay Capital—doing all this,
I say, quite knocked me up, and I found myself one morning (the very
morning, curiously enough, on which I was to have met my vicious
adversary) unable to rise from my couch, with a pain all up there and
all down there, and through here and over there, up the middle and
down again like a country dance, so that I was obliged to call for ter
garsong, and exclaim,
“Dee dong, Alphonse” (his name is Alphonse), “savvayvoo oo a
urn hong Maydaysang ? ” (May day sang means physician.)
He directed me to urn Dokterr, M. Thierry Mieg, in Le Rue
Boissy d’Anglas, to whom I at once applied.
Mossew (This is how I now pronounce this difficult word)—“ Mossew
ler Maydaysang1 commenced, “ Jay venu ar voo vwaw, poor voo deer,
ker jer sweesarfflejay arvek la marl toot par esee, toot par lar, ong ser
kottay see, ong ser kottay lar, dong mar tayte, ar malfrong, ay”-
He interrupted the account of my symptoms by remarking that he
would understand me better if I spoke in English. I yielded to his
weakness, and recommenced, but not with as much fluency as in French,
which has now become quite a stepmother tongue to me, so to speak.
He at once prescribed for me; and I was enabled before onyze err
aydmee (half-past, eleven I mean, a.m.) to send my adversary a medical
certificate. Duel therefore postponed sine die.
The Maydaysang said that I had Lar marlardee Hystaireek (the
hysterics, in fact) and must get, immediately, change of air, perfect
quiet, and sea-bathing, with pills ar deeskraysiong. So I packed up my
traps, and having obtained from my friends the larjong necessary (mind
this makes ten pounds you owe them by this time), I went to the
Tweelvrees to make my ardeurs to the Imperial family.
Shall I draw a veil ?
No : it was most affecting, nay, harrowing. Lumpyraw, you know,
has not been well lately, and was obliged to receive me in his bedroom,
he being still couched, and the imperial bonnay der swar still encircling
, that majestic brow. He was lying there with deu shokolar and
urn petty pang by his side, reading from last Number.
He stretched out his hand to me.
Jay tombay sewer lay jaynou, pier ong bokoo.
“ Attongday zurn momong a jer sayray tootarfaypray der voo raysvwaw.”
I withdrew, sobbing. I heard him too choking with tears while
dressing. A valet was dismissed that morning for cutting his Imperial
master with a razor. Hot trarhesong.
In an antechamber seated with L’Armperrartreece a lerp’ttee
Prangse Armperryeabl, like a wax-work at Madame Ttjssaud’s,
was Lumpyraw waiting to receive me. “ Allayvoozong,” he said
sharply to such members of the nobility as were hanging about in the
hopes of catching a few words of our conversation.
One alone remained, and he approached the group jauntily.
A reed puckered itself upon the frong of Lumpyraw. He frowned.
“ II fo ker Mossew, vert art.tongd dayhor juicekarsker M. Larmbars-
sarder der song Arltaysse der Fleetstreet ar fay says ardeur. Bong jewer
ar pray song.”
The jaunty gentleman withdrew, making a note in his pocket-book
for the benefit of that daily journal which so often records the social
triumphs of its popular Parisian contributor.
Alone with the distinguished family jay tombay, oon zegond fwaw,
sewer say jaynoo.
Lumpyraw fumbled in his pocket for a second, then drawing forth a
piece of red ribbon with a pretty little glittering ornament at the end
of it, he said, “ Voollay voo ker jer voo daykor ?”
“ Seer,” I exclaimed, urvek uyffewseong, “jer ner pwee par Varksayptay
maym ar vo mang, parskermon Rmjdarkter, urn om arnfiek.seebl ay sayvayre,
ner mer pairmaytterar par okewn urn day say jern on sarksayptay urn
daykorarseong, song star eel dayveang ar mwoynsurn Due der kek shows.”
Then Dong sewn vwaw aytoofilay s’aykrear Lumpyraw :—
“ Nong. Saytarmposseebl ar fair star. Jay fay tro bokoo der noblayss
dayzar.”
He was very much cast down. The Empress applied her p'teet
mooshwaw ar saysyer, and t hen o nay deu Prangse Armperryearl, who
was snivelling. So I exclaimed, gaily, “ Narmport. Jer prongd’ray ler
volongtay o leer der larkt.”
“ Onibrarssay mwar,” cried Lumpyraw, souriant soo lay lame.
I obeyed—both cheeks.
“ Ay mwar o see,” saykrear L’Armperrartreece rusheesarng. I
obeyed. Kel bonnerr !
“ Ay mwar o see ! ”saykrear Lerp’tee Prangse. Then we all wept:
too lay kart ongsombl. “Farewell!” I exclaimed, and covering my
eyes, rushed from the room. I wish I hadn’t covered my eyes, as I
missed the door and came sharply against the wall.
The Imperial family fainted : 1 left them insensible, and was myself
carried out.
Ardeeur Parry 1 Ardeeur brilliant Capital, Ardeeur Legsposissiong,
marvellous! Ardeeur Mademoiselle Schneider, votre Altesse
La Grande Duchesse de Gerolstein ! Ardeeur Mamselles. et Messieurs uv
Americain-Parisiens, everything and everybody Ardeeur! 0 ruyvwavj
pertaytrr, may pars ar pray song !
By the Meenwee deese train I left for Dieppe, a wreck of my former
self, shattered and battered in your behalf, and longing for fresh air,
sea-bathing, and more larjong. * * * I will send you a line from
Dieppe ong root.
HOPE RESTING ON AN ANCHOR.
Admiral Punch presents his homage to the Lords of the Admiralty,
and begs that they will do him the favour to explain how it is that
Trotman’s anchors are not yet used by the Navy, although they were
affirmed by a Committee appointed by their Lordships to be the best,
as well as lightest and consequently cheapest, of all anchors now in
use. A Trotman’s anchor weighing only 50 cwt., and costing £90
has by test been proved superior to the Admiralty anchors, which
weigh fully twice as much, and cost four times as much. Not merely
naval officers, but, our largest merchant shipowners, have given evi-
dence in favour of the anchors of John Trotman ; yet the only ships
supplied with them by order of the Admiralty are the yacht wherein
Her Majesty, and the yacht wherein their Lordships trust themselves
afloat. These anchors would be scarcely used on board such precious
vessels unless they were esteemed the best that could be got, and
Admiral Punch repeats his wish to know why worse and dearer
anchors are supplied throughout the Navy, when the cheapest, namely
Trotman’s, have been proved to be the best.
In old allegories Hope is seen leaning on an anchor, and as truth
prevails in time, even with the Admiralty, Admiral Punch trusts that
John Trotman still leans upon his anchor in company with Hope.
The Bigoted Middlesex Beaks.
Their Worships declined Payne’s amendment to pass,
Which forbade priests in prisons to celebrate mass.
O bigoted Protestant Bench ! It believes
That there really are some Roman-Catholic thieves.
FROM SPITHEAD.
It was anticipated that the Naval Review on the 17th would prove
a great success, as all hands endeavoured to make it the ne plus
■ultra marine of such spectacles.
Why is the Viceroy of Egypt like twenty shillings ? Because he
is as good as a Sovereign.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39
sue' terns as ruffian and coward in their teeth. He was deeply pained
at the tone some of the papers took in advocating the application of the
lash to garotters, apd other defendants that they described as Roughs.
(Ironical cheers.) Every now and then there was a paragraph giving
an art.-rendin account of the sufferings of a garotter under the lash,
on which leadin articles was written in scorn and ridicule. A part of
the Press seemed to gloat over the pangs of the victims that they gave
the abusive name of ruffians. (Yells.) Them that heard him must be
up and doing, or the barbarous suggestion of the sanguinary Grand
Jury would be carried out. He observed with pleasure that the House
of Commons had rejected a motion to disfranchise convicts. In a
reformed representation they would have a good lot of votes, and they
must do their best to get a Member returned to represent their peculiar
interest. There couldn’t be a doubt about the proper party. Who
was it that befriended Broadhead, and excused Crookes ? (Cheers,
and ciies of “ Beesley 1 ”) Yes, Beesley was their man. There
ought to be a Member for Ratclifffe Highway, and that Member should
be Professor Beesley. But whatever seat he was returned for, he
would be the right man in the right place. (Hear, hear !) He would
accordingly ask them to vote a resolution to the effect following: —
“ That this meeting do hereby pledge itself to use every effort to secure
the return, on the first opportunity, of the Rattener’s friend, Professor
Beesley, to the House of Commons.”
The resolution was seconded, in strong language, by Mr. Throttles ;
after which three cheers were given successively, for Beesley, Broad-
bead, Crookes, and Hallam, and the assembly separated, cursing
and swearing.
PEEPS AT PARIS.
PEEP THE SEVENTEENTH.
My days are numbered ; as, by the way, are everybody else’s, begin-
ning with the 1st of January, and so on. But I mean that mar vee
Purreeseean a finny. Not with a duel, at least, pars ongkor. When I
am well enough, I have arranged, sewer mar parrol, to return and fight
in the Bwaw der Bulloine, the survivor to breakfast, at his own expense,
at the cuffay by the karskard.
Taking my friends (maysamee) about sight-seeing all day, driving,
walking, theatre-seeing part of the night, petty soupays at her Caffuy
Reesh or Lay Trwaw Frayrs, not to mention the kongkong at Marbeel (I
have had several lessons in this national dance, and intend to introduce
it in Lar Ho Fee of the Bo Mongd on my return, commencing at Isling-
ton with the Belgian Ball) the Chinese Spayktarkl and all the etceteras
which go to make up “seing life ” in this gay Capital—doing all this,
I say, quite knocked me up, and I found myself one morning (the very
morning, curiously enough, on which I was to have met my vicious
adversary) unable to rise from my couch, with a pain all up there and
all down there, and through here and over there, up the middle and
down again like a country dance, so that I was obliged to call for ter
garsong, and exclaim,
“Dee dong, Alphonse” (his name is Alphonse), “savvayvoo oo a
urn hong Maydaysang ? ” (May day sang means physician.)
He directed me to urn Dokterr, M. Thierry Mieg, in Le Rue
Boissy d’Anglas, to whom I at once applied.
Mossew (This is how I now pronounce this difficult word)—“ Mossew
ler Maydaysang1 commenced, “ Jay venu ar voo vwaw, poor voo deer,
ker jer sweesarfflejay arvek la marl toot par esee, toot par lar, ong ser
kottay see, ong ser kottay lar, dong mar tayte, ar malfrong, ay”-
He interrupted the account of my symptoms by remarking that he
would understand me better if I spoke in English. I yielded to his
weakness, and recommenced, but not with as much fluency as in French,
which has now become quite a stepmother tongue to me, so to speak.
He at once prescribed for me; and I was enabled before onyze err
aydmee (half-past, eleven I mean, a.m.) to send my adversary a medical
certificate. Duel therefore postponed sine die.
The Maydaysang said that I had Lar marlardee Hystaireek (the
hysterics, in fact) and must get, immediately, change of air, perfect
quiet, and sea-bathing, with pills ar deeskraysiong. So I packed up my
traps, and having obtained from my friends the larjong necessary (mind
this makes ten pounds you owe them by this time), I went to the
Tweelvrees to make my ardeurs to the Imperial family.
Shall I draw a veil ?
No : it was most affecting, nay, harrowing. Lumpyraw, you know,
has not been well lately, and was obliged to receive me in his bedroom,
he being still couched, and the imperial bonnay der swar still encircling
, that majestic brow. He was lying there with deu shokolar and
urn petty pang by his side, reading from last Number.
He stretched out his hand to me.
Jay tombay sewer lay jaynou, pier ong bokoo.
“ Attongday zurn momong a jer sayray tootarfaypray der voo raysvwaw.”
I withdrew, sobbing. I heard him too choking with tears while
dressing. A valet was dismissed that morning for cutting his Imperial
master with a razor. Hot trarhesong.
In an antechamber seated with L’Armperrartreece a lerp’ttee
Prangse Armperryeabl, like a wax-work at Madame Ttjssaud’s,
was Lumpyraw waiting to receive me. “ Allayvoozong,” he said
sharply to such members of the nobility as were hanging about in the
hopes of catching a few words of our conversation.
One alone remained, and he approached the group jauntily.
A reed puckered itself upon the frong of Lumpyraw. He frowned.
“ II fo ker Mossew, vert art.tongd dayhor juicekarsker M. Larmbars-
sarder der song Arltaysse der Fleetstreet ar fay says ardeur. Bong jewer
ar pray song.”
The jaunty gentleman withdrew, making a note in his pocket-book
for the benefit of that daily journal which so often records the social
triumphs of its popular Parisian contributor.
Alone with the distinguished family jay tombay, oon zegond fwaw,
sewer say jaynoo.
Lumpyraw fumbled in his pocket for a second, then drawing forth a
piece of red ribbon with a pretty little glittering ornament at the end
of it, he said, “ Voollay voo ker jer voo daykor ?”
“ Seer,” I exclaimed, urvek uyffewseong, “jer ner pwee par Varksayptay
maym ar vo mang, parskermon Rmjdarkter, urn om arnfiek.seebl ay sayvayre,
ner mer pairmaytterar par okewn urn day say jern on sarksayptay urn
daykorarseong, song star eel dayveang ar mwoynsurn Due der kek shows.”
Then Dong sewn vwaw aytoofilay s’aykrear Lumpyraw :—
“ Nong. Saytarmposseebl ar fair star. Jay fay tro bokoo der noblayss
dayzar.”
He was very much cast down. The Empress applied her p'teet
mooshwaw ar saysyer, and t hen o nay deu Prangse Armperryearl, who
was snivelling. So I exclaimed, gaily, “ Narmport. Jer prongd’ray ler
volongtay o leer der larkt.”
“ Onibrarssay mwar,” cried Lumpyraw, souriant soo lay lame.
I obeyed—both cheeks.
“ Ay mwar o see,” saykrear L’Armperrartreece rusheesarng. I
obeyed. Kel bonnerr !
“ Ay mwar o see ! ”saykrear Lerp’tee Prangse. Then we all wept:
too lay kart ongsombl. “Farewell!” I exclaimed, and covering my
eyes, rushed from the room. I wish I hadn’t covered my eyes, as I
missed the door and came sharply against the wall.
The Imperial family fainted : 1 left them insensible, and was myself
carried out.
Ardeeur Parry 1 Ardeeur brilliant Capital, Ardeeur Legsposissiong,
marvellous! Ardeeur Mademoiselle Schneider, votre Altesse
La Grande Duchesse de Gerolstein ! Ardeeur Mamselles. et Messieurs uv
Americain-Parisiens, everything and everybody Ardeeur! 0 ruyvwavj
pertaytrr, may pars ar pray song !
By the Meenwee deese train I left for Dieppe, a wreck of my former
self, shattered and battered in your behalf, and longing for fresh air,
sea-bathing, and more larjong. * * * I will send you a line from
Dieppe ong root.
HOPE RESTING ON AN ANCHOR.
Admiral Punch presents his homage to the Lords of the Admiralty,
and begs that they will do him the favour to explain how it is that
Trotman’s anchors are not yet used by the Navy, although they were
affirmed by a Committee appointed by their Lordships to be the best,
as well as lightest and consequently cheapest, of all anchors now in
use. A Trotman’s anchor weighing only 50 cwt., and costing £90
has by test been proved superior to the Admiralty anchors, which
weigh fully twice as much, and cost four times as much. Not merely
naval officers, but, our largest merchant shipowners, have given evi-
dence in favour of the anchors of John Trotman ; yet the only ships
supplied with them by order of the Admiralty are the yacht wherein
Her Majesty, and the yacht wherein their Lordships trust themselves
afloat. These anchors would be scarcely used on board such precious
vessels unless they were esteemed the best that could be got, and
Admiral Punch repeats his wish to know why worse and dearer
anchors are supplied throughout the Navy, when the cheapest, namely
Trotman’s, have been proved to be the best.
In old allegories Hope is seen leaning on an anchor, and as truth
prevails in time, even with the Admiralty, Admiral Punch trusts that
John Trotman still leans upon his anchor in company with Hope.
The Bigoted Middlesex Beaks.
Their Worships declined Payne’s amendment to pass,
Which forbade priests in prisons to celebrate mass.
O bigoted Protestant Bench ! It believes
That there really are some Roman-Catholic thieves.
FROM SPITHEAD.
It was anticipated that the Naval Review on the 17th would prove
a great success, as all hands endeavoured to make it the ne plus
■ultra marine of such spectacles.
Why is the Viceroy of Egypt like twenty shillings ? Because he
is as good as a Sovereign.