Punch (53.1867)

November 23, 1867.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

SHERIFFS’ EXCUSES.

“ Yesterday, at the nomination of Sheriffs, in the Court of Exchequer, many gentlemen
sought to he excused on various grounds, and a considerable number of memorials, petitions,
letters, and medical certificates were handed in.”—Times, November IS.

iese “ various
grounds ” of ex-
cuse occupied a
considerable space
in the Times, but
Mr .Punches, good
reasons for believ-
ing that an irresis-
tible appeal was
made to the kind
feelings of the Re-
porter not to pub-
lish many more
which were ad-
duced. Mr. Punch,
however, who was
present, and wore
his gold robes of'
office, and did his
best to follow the
Queen’s Remem-
brancer when he
administered the

oath in Norman French, is fabricated of sterner stuff, and feels constrained by
a violent sense of duty to acquaint his county friends with some more of the pleas
urged by the commoners of England, in the Court of Exchequer, on the “ Morrow
of St. Martin.”

ENGLAND.

Agriculturalshire.—Mr. Marmaduke Maximilian Haughtison of Greatswells.
Would be glad to be excused serving till 1870, as it is not convenient to him to
put his servants into new liveries before that year. Also his grand piano is out
of order.

Sandilandshire.—'&iK Vavasour Vivian of Bijou near Edenthorpe. Is newly
married. Young wife timid, and objects to his being exposed to any unnecessary
risk in these agitating times.

Wessex.—Mr. Reginald Raymond Otho de Rounceville of Quivering
St. Aspens. Is particularly sensitive to physical pain, and therefore prays to
be excused, because he understands the sheriffs are “pricked,” a cruel operation
which he thinks Her Majesty should be advised to omit. (Medical certificate.)

Stumpskire.— SiR Willoughby Bowler Baxtoppe of Great Over, Bailsmere.
Lives but for cricket. Is afraid that the Summer Assizes would interfere with the
great match in which he is engaged to play, between the Eleven of the United
Kingdom and Twenty-two of Bailsmere and district.

Wesfol/c.—Mr. Plantagenet Tudor Tresilian of Ermengarde Castle. Has
just lost one of his carriage horses and finds great difficulty in matching the
survivor. If his Shrievalty could be postponed for a year would be willing to
give Her Majesty’s representatives four piebalds instead of a pair of bays.

Hunting shire.—Lancelot Alured Everingham Hamilton Taillebois (com-
monly called Lord Vulpsley) of High Breding, near Foxford. Is a Master
of Hounds, and cannot possibly spare time to be a Sheriff.

Potentateshire.—Mr. Copperthwaite Jobson Treddles of Normanville Abbey,
Great Saxondale. Has only recently retired from business as a ship-chandler at
Martport, and purchased the Abbey of the last of the Fitz-Odos. Is, therefore,
not yet quite at his ease in County society, and would be glad to have a year’s
breathing time.

Humherland— Sir Annesley Hubert Bipont of Roxabel. As a mm of taste
and comfort, with an eye for the artistic and the aesthetic, protests against being
obliged to spend several days in the year in the Court House at Briborough,
which is, both outside and inside, one of the ugliest and most inconvenient
public edifices in the kingdom.

Shopshire— Mr. Sydney Conyers De Waldo Blatherwycke of The Plea-
saunce. So extremely short-sighted that he is confident he should not be able to
distinguish a Chief Justice from a Puisne Judge. (Medical certificate handed in
to that effect.)

Pasfolk.—Mr. Bellingham Barrington Beaucourt of Woodbine Grange,
near Brinkley. Eldest daughter, Leonora Charlotte Sophia, will be married
at the time of the Spring Assizes; youngest, Nea Amy Alice Ada (the darling,
and going out to India for fourteen years at the least) will be similarly circum-
stanced just as the Summer Assizes commence. If there was a Winter Gaol
Delivery in his County could not possibly be present, as he is subject every
year, at that time, to an attack of Pheasantitis.

Hareshire.— SiB. Cambridgeshire St. Leger, of Bonvivant Lodge. Can he
have a guarantee that the Spring “meeting ” will not clash with Newmarket?
Beady money not too plentiful.

Trentshire. — Mr. Philip Blythe Joly of Debonair House, Devonside. Is
enlarging his dining-room. It will not be papered and painted ready for the enter-
tainment of the County until after next Summer Assizes.

Woldshire. — Sir Hugh Granby Alrington of Yore. Hates fuss, crowds,
trumpets, javelin-men, deputy Lieutenant’s uniform, church bells, public meetings,
badly ventilated courts, great dinners, and county elections.

WALES.

Penillionshire. — Mr. Hugh Evans Price Thomas
Davies Lloyd Lewis Wynne Williams Phillips of
Llamplasgarn-goedilofaw. Called the attention of the
Court, by memorial, to the remarkable and unprecedented
circumstance that not a single gentleman of the name of
Jones had been summoned to serve from any of the
Welsh counties.

Msteddfodshire. — Mr. David Owen Bees Bichards
Jenkins, of Cw, would only consent to serve on the
positive understanding that the Judge on Circuit should
be a Welshman. If, to the disgrace of England, none of
the ancient race are now on the Bench, one to be imme-
diately added.

Mr. Punch could not advise his colleagues, of whom
it is only necessary to mention the Lord Chancellor,
the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the three
Common Law Chiefs, to listen to any of the excuses pre-
ferred, except Mr. P. B. Joly’s of Trentshire (as an
encouragement to that declining virtue, hospitality), and Sir
Hugh Granby Alrington’s of Woldshire, with whom he
cordially sympathised, being himself the devotee of seclu-
sion, and sequestration from the blare and bustle of the
world.

THE SUMMONS TO THE NEW SCHOOL
AT ST. STEPHEN’S.

Now gather, little boys,

Fresh from your long vacation—

From your tasks and from your toys,

Your toil or recreation.

Be’t like Grant Duff from “shinning ”
Impartially all round,

Like Osborne from broad-grinning,

Or Lowe from sense too sound.

’Tis not the usual meeting
This in November fog,

But a Master waits your greeting,

Who’s King Stork and not, King Log.

With new brooms to sweep clean, boys.

New birches to swish smartly:

New bounds, new schools, new cribs, new rules,
Gowns partly new, turn’d partly

No cut-and-dried Whig fossil:

No dead-alive old Tory :

As little of the Bussell,

As the Stanley of old story:

No Gladstone, though he mixes
Hues as incongruous quite.

And on Tory bases fixes
His Badical New-light.

Impossible to say, boys,

What there is he mayn’t teach you :

Nor the weight of dulness weigh, boys,

Spite of which he mayn’t reach you:

In seven years of tuition
He made Badicals of Tories,

All by braving a small scission,

And telling a few stories.

But one art is his chiefest boast—

Political gymnastics:

In which he proves himself the most
Elastic of Elastics.

No leap i’ the dark will give him pause ;

In party Acrobatics,

He at defiance sets all laws
Of Parliamentary statics.

Puts his head where his feet should be,

His feet ’twist his shirt-collars :

Nor only does this feat, per se.

But teaches it his scholars,

Until his pupils in his tracks
All gravity a-spurning,

Upom themselves to turn their backs,

—Castlereagh’s feat—are learning.

Motto for the Walrus. — Not “Wilkes and
Liberty,” but “ Whelks and Confinement.”

Vol. 53.

7—2